Chapter 10
March 18th
BLAINE

Kurt called yesterday. My mom, not me. He said he wanted to reschedule our appointment because his dad was in town for the weekend he was taking him to the parade. I didn't protest. I was glad for it.
I just...didn't know what I would do if I saw him again. Burst into tears. Pounce on him and smash our lips together.
I still don't really know.
And now here I am, back in his office, looking right at him.
I've been here for twenty minutes and that's all we've done. Look at each other.
Not stare. Look.
Twenty minutes.
Twenty two minutes.
Twenty five minutes.
Twenty eight minutes.
"Blaine...I wanted to...apologize for last week. What I did. It was...it was inappropriate and I clearly wasn't thinking and I'm...I'm very sorry."
I don't say anything.
30 minutes.
33 minutes.
"That uh...that being said, I feel that since you've been so open with me, it's only fair for me to be...equally open with you. So. Here goes. I...am in love with you, Blaine. Very much so. I'm not sure...well, that's a lie. I know exactly when it happened. It was after we went to your apartment that I knew. But I don't want you to feel obligated to...say anything or do anything. Because of my...my feelings for you, it would be...unethical for me to continue being your therapist. After this...you won't have to worry about me anymore. I won't call you. I won't...contact you in any way. So uhm, I have here a few numbers for...for other practices, some are actually right near you in New Jersey, so it will be a much easier commute. Uhm...let me just...just get those."
No.
No.
This can't be happening. I don't want it to be. The reality of what he's saying, that he won't be my therapist anymore, that I won't see him every Monday at 3:30 after today hits me, and I'm scared.
The thought of him not being in my life terrifies me.
I see it then, like a picture in my mind. Everything I could have with Kurt, everything we could be and I know. I know now that I can't lose him, because I want him.
He could be so amazing for me, he already is, and I want him.
It's when Kurt turns around that I do the crazy thing. I stand up, purposefully stride over to the chair Kurt is sitting in, take his face in my hands, and do it.
I push my lips on his, feel him gasp against my mouth. I slowly push his lips open with my tongue, and he stands up, starts to deepen the kiss further.
I do something else crazy then.
I start to cry. I don't know why. I think I'm crying because I like him, Kurt, so much and I wish this kiss was happening somewhere else, someplace different, under different circumstances. I think I'm crying because I'll always love Andrew, but Kurt is here too.
But I keep kissing him, taste the tears in my mouth as they slide down my face.
And then we're both crying and still kissing, only breaking away from each other to breathe.
I break away slowly, reluctantly, and rest my forehead against Kurt's. Over his shoulder, I look at the clock.
45 minutes.
I kiss Kurt softly again, still crying. He's still crying, too.
"I have to go," I whisper, backing away to the door.
"Blaine, wait," he says.
I do, I wait for him. He turns around and rips a piece of paper from his notepad, writes something down on it.
He hands me the little ripped piece of paper. "Here," he says.
I take it in my hands, turn it over. It's a street, an avenue, a house number. An address.
"That's...that's my address. Meet me at my house. At 7:00. We'll talk."
I nod. "Okay. We'll talk."
"We'll talk," Kurt repeats, smiling at me through teary eyes.
I leave, stuffing the piece of paper in my jacket pocket.
--
KURT
7:15
He's late. Blaine is late.
I shake it off, convince myself his bus hit traffic, his subway got stuck, he couldn't hail a cab.
7:20
The pizza I ordered is getting cold, so I turn the oven on low and shove it in.
7:45
I'm sitting in a kitchen chair, not even bothering to shoo the Professor off the table.
His bus flipped. He fell onto the subway tracks. He got hit by a car and is lying in the middle of the street, bleeding. Attacked by drug dealers who thought he was someone else. Jumped by a gang because he accidentally wore a rival gang's colors. Sitting on a bench in Port Authority when the suitcase someone had left underneath it exploded.
8:30
I've calmed myself down a little. His mother would have called if there was something really wrong, right? I would have heard about it on the news if Port Authority had blown up.
9:15
He's not coming.
10:00
I know he's not coming, but I'm waiting for him anyway.
11:00
It's time for me to go to bed. Blaine isn't showing up tonight. I shut off the oven, and shove the pizza in the fridge, closing the door with more force than is probably necessary.
Honestly, I'm only mad at myself. I was stupid, ridiculous to think that something could happen with Blaine. I'm me. I screw things up. I get excited about things that I don’t deserve, and then they’re ripped away from me, because I shouldn’t be allowed to be happy.
Kurt Hummel, screwing up relationships since the beginning of time.
I walk up the stairs to my room. I'm about to close the curtains so I can change when I notice something out the window. A person sitting on the bench across the street. A person with dark curly hair, holding a bouquet of flowers.
Blaine.
I bound down the stairs, two at a time and fling open the front door, slam it closed, and run across the street.
"Blaine!" I say as I reach him. He looks up at me.
He has tear tracks on his face. He's been crying.
I sit down next to him. "Blaine, how long have you been here for? Why didn't you come in? What's wrong?"
He looks at me and shakes his head. "My husband hasn't even been gone a year. And here I am with you."
I don't say anything. I don't need to say anything because I know what he's telling me.
"I like you, Kurt. I like you so much. But...I'm not ready for this. I can't...be with you yet. I want to but...I can't."
I nod, biting my lip, holding back tears. "That's...yeah, that's cool. I understand," I say, my voice breaking.
"It's okay if you don't," Blaine says. "You don't have to. But uhm...I'm gonna go now. I'll...I'll see you on Monday."
"Oh," I start. "Do we...am I still...?"
He nods. "I can't really start over again. With a new therapist."
"O-okay. Alright. I'll see you Monday."
Blaine stands up and walks away and I head back to my house.
I open the door, shut it behind me, and walk upstairs to my bedroom. I don't go to bed though.
I stand in front of my bedroom window and look out at that bench for hours until my eyes sting and I feel like my knees will give out.