I'm lost.

I'm confused.

My life is over.



After the fight with Blaine, I can't do anything. I've spent most days just lying in bed. Rachel keeps checking in me, making sure im still alive and not attempting harm on myself. She made it very clear that what I did was a very dumb and selfish move – but also understands that, just like once in high school, I let my childish insecurities get the best of me.



Im so fucking stupid.



I hear thru Rachel that Sebastian and Andy are doing well and they had a drink with Blaine the other night. Aparently him and Sebastian are friends now.

What the fuck is that about? I guess I should be happy that theyre friends and he isnt catching some type of jealous attack that hes dating Andy. That's a good sign.



I really wish he would talk to me.



I get up and go to meet Rachel and Brody for lunch in the City. I need to get out the house and the are always in good spirits, maybe itll rub off on me.



“Hey Kurt. I really wasn't sure if you were going to come. Im happy you did” Rachel says in her sweet caring sister voice.

“Hey guys. I needed to get out of the loft. I swear I was growing into the furniture”



I look across the room – and – I cant believe my eyes. Its Blaine and Sebastian.



“Is this some kind of joke?”

“What?” Rachel says startled

“What the hell? You brought me here to see Blaine? Hes not ready to talk to me okay. DO NOT PUSH IT. When hes ready he'll call”

“Kurt, what are you yelling about? We came here because im staying at this hotel while my apartment has work done” Brody says confused

“What? Blaines here? Where?” Rachel stands up from her seat and scans the room.

“He must be staying here. He never specified which hotel he was staying in. Maybe he was afraid I'd tell you and youd go knocking on his door. Should we say hi?”

“NO. He seems to be enjoying his time with Sebastian.”

“There you go right there – that's you guys problem. You keep waiting and assuming and waiting and assuming. Walk over and talk to him. Confront him”

“Confront him? Rachel I slept with someone else! He said he needed space. And there he goes. I feel like my chest has been kicked in. I cant see him with Sebastian”

“Theyre just friends. Sebastian is happy with Andy”

“He just met Andy. He has history with Blaine”

“You have history with Blaine. He has a memory. Walk over, come on, we'll both walk with you. Its just a coinsidence we're having lunch in the same place.”

“Come on Kurt, Lets just say hi. Break the awkardness. Someone has to”  - Brody has a point. Its either leave and wonder, or just walk and break the silence.



“Funny seeing you here” Sebastian stands up before we reach the table.

“Oh hey you guys” Blaine says calmly “Kurt?!?!” he says in surprise

“Hi, I didn't know you were staying here, Brody is too and we dragged Kurt to have lunch with us. How are you?” Rachel directs to both of them

“Just needed to talk so I called Sebastian”
“You couldve called me” Rachel says like a reglected child

“Rach, come on. Not now. I wanted an outsiders point of view – no offence” he turns to Sebastian

“No – none taken”

“So How are you?” I finally say

“Im fine. Just trying to keep busy. And You? How are you?”



I cant answer. I stay silent holding back tears.



“I think we should leave these two to talk, finally.” Sebastian says, and that's the first time I agree with him.

“Okay, well Kurt if you need me just call”

“I'll be fine Rachel”

“Sebastian, thanks for everything, we'll talk” Blaine says and my heart sinks.



This is a thousand shades of weird. This is ridiculous. Hes my best friend. My other half. My soulmate. We should not be this distant.



I take a seat and manage to hold my in tears. Blaine is just sitting there. Sitting back in his seat, Starring at me, for what feels like hours. He tilts his head to the left, as if examining me, my expression, my behavior.



“So Youre not going to yell and storm out because you saw me sitting here talking with Sebastian?”

“No. I understand he and Andy are happy and hes been a good friend to you lately. Tho I cant understand with the ton of friends we have, why you chose him”

“I chose him because hes impartial”

“Impartial? Are you kidding me. You had a relationship with him. He came back after a year away and went straight to find you. That's not impartial.”

“He knows its over. And he knows I love you”

Theres silence



“You still love me?”

“Of course Kurt. I will always love you. Just right now -"

i stop him from continuing

"Stop, please stop. i know whats coming. youre going to tell me right now its not good for us and we need to take time. Right?!? i cant handle you saying those words Blaine"

I get up to walk away and he stands with me

"Kurt sit down" he says firmly

I sit

"Right now, we both need time. Theres no question we want to be together. I can eventually forgive you for male bimbo over there, but I think its you who needs the time. I think its you who needs to register what we have. I want you to understand something - Rachel and I had this conversation the other day - You chose me. You chose from all the guys who were flocking to you, to be with me. I was the one afraid that i wasnt good enough. I tried to protect you and be your night and shining armour because thats what you deserve. A man who will always be by your side and love you no matter what. The fact that you chose me made me feel like i had to fill those shoes to the best of my ability. And i feel i have. Ive punched out bar guys for you. Ruffed up random guys whove come to close and god Kurt ive even almost gotten arrested from threatening a douche bag asshole. I LOVE YOU. You just cant comprehend my love for some reason. I really wish you would. Then you can see that im completely about you."



Shit - I never saw it that way. Maybe I should take a step back and think why am I so hard on him for no reason?



"Okay.. Blaine. I see your point. I see. I had no idea that this conversation was going to end with me agreeing with some time apart. I love you Blaine. And I do need to take time to realize whats my problem. I cant imagine my life without you but i cant understand why i keep fighting for no reason and we cant continue like this"

I say calmly knowing this is tearing me apart!

My heart is breaking at the revelation. I cant believe im walking away. We want to believe its not permanent, but we dont know that. We bought a home. We were going to have kids. We were going to spend our lives together. What now?



"Kurt, Im not just going to let you go that easy. I cant. I wont. I love you! And we will have our happy ending" he says as he leans over and grabs my hand and his eyes swell up with tears "But we cant have a happy ending without a happy beginning"



I get up. Give him a teary kiss in silence



"Kurt, its not over. I think right now we are better off apart because you need to figure things out. Im doing this because i love you. I dont want to be in a relationship where you feel like youre settling. But i also cant be without you. Please Kurt. Do what you have to do and come back to me. Come back home."



Im confused! Not that far off from where I started. I mean I did get a lot out of this. But Im still alone without my soulmate! Still without my man!

But I know what hes saying. I know what makes sense. And right now getting some space to maybe find myself without him makes sense.. In reality Im nothing without him. Yet Ive had such huge success in my life. Of course I wouldnt have been able to do those things without my best friend by side. But still! Without my missing puzzle piece Im incomplete!



I dont know what happens next.

I dont know how I continue!

Where do I start?



-----------------------------



A few weeks pass and the most communication Blaine and I have had was a few texts just saying hi, simple small talk.

I call Dani, she managed to find love with the devils mistress and never saw a single flaw in her! Made Santana better a person and now theyre having the happy ending Im supposed to have with Blaine. She can give me words of wisdom right now.

"Im breaking more and more everyday Dani, I dont know what Im doing"
"Kurt - let me ask you something. What are you so afraid of? Blaines made it clear day after day, time after time its you he loves. Do you think youre not good enough? Because let me tell you - any person would be lucky for 100 life times if they had you for just one"

God I love Dani.

"Thank you D. I know he loves me. And he has done everything right, hell hes the one who found the townhouse"
"Kurt what is it? Think deep. Think more than just you loving him and him loving you. Take a look inside. Maybe it is insecurities buried so deep you cant even see it anymore. Or maybe deep down you may, possibly, think that spending your life with him isnt really what you want. I know thats hard to grasp after 15 years, but you should look at all possibilities."

Me and Blaine - not spending our lives together? What does that even look like? Ive never considered it, maybe because Im too afraid to or maybe because its not an option.

"Im gonna go now Dani, thanx for the talk. Ill consider these options youve given me and see what I come up with."
"I love you Kurt."
"I love you too, tell Santana I said hello"

-------------------

I keep getting calls from the construction company about the renovations. I just direct them to call Blaine, I cant manage that right now. I know hes going crazy with the calls. He doesnt know how to handle it, it was my job. We were partners.

My phone rings

"Hello?"
"I miss you so much" he says and I automatically start to pour out tears!
"Blaine."
"Whats taking you so long?"
"Im doing what we agreed. Figuring out whats my problem."
"Your problem is that youre not here with me"
Then I notice his slur, hes been drinking again.
"Where are you?"
"STIR"
"Ill be right there"
"No dont come here. Meet me at The Empire"
"Im leaving now"

I forget everything thats been happening. I realize Ive been thinking of how I feel, how I cant breathe or function - I havent thought how this is affecting him

I arrive at The Empire, he texted me his room, Pent House of course, so I go right up.

"Kurt.. Kurt -" he says in pain. Like his heart is being torn out of his chest. I notice a few empty bottles on the table near the sofa.
"Blaine, oh my god. How much have you had to drink?"
"Just a bottle, or 2 or 3"
"Lets get you into bed"
"Please stay. Just tonight. Please. I cant be here alone."
"Of course"
"I know that youre taking time. Time I gave you. But all I see is you trying to figure out why you chose me. Is this your way of saying you made a mistake"
"You were never a mistake. You were always the one thing in my life I was certain of"
"So what is it? What the fuck is it Kurt??" His tone changes. He yells and Im thrown aback
"Relax, youve been drinking, a lot!"
"Fuck my drinking. Fuck this space - tell me now! Tell what you want right now!"
"Right now I want to make sure youre in bed safe and sound"
"Im not your baby Kurt, Im supposed to be your man!"

I feel this sudden urge in my chest! Like my chest is exploding with a million feelings. He trips while trying to undress. I catch him. Hes a mess! Hes a mess because of me! I did this! The last time he was like this was when Coop died, I can only imagine hes fucked some random twink at a bar or some Angry Blaine shit.
"Kurt" he says crying "I cant be this person. Drunk, angry. Maybe you should go. Just go and never come back" hes walking towards me and Ive managed to hold in tears - then he kisses me, as if its our last kiss and he was savoring every split second. I kiss him back, I pull him close. Taste of whiskey on his tongue but I dont care. Then he breaks away - looks me in the face
"I can get into bed just fine. Just go" he turns and dismisses me

He's angry. And drunk! I make my way to the door and look over at him. Broken. Alone. All I want to do is fix him. But right now I need to fix myself.

I start walking aimlessly, its cold. Im in complete shock of what just happened.

Why did I even go to The Empire? What did I think was going to happen?

I keep Thinking. Hes like this because of me! I did this!

Then something hits me – All of our memories play like a slide show in my head. When we first met – him singing Teenage Dream. Our first Christmas duet - Baby its cold outside. His first realization he was in love with me - when I sang Blackbird. Our first kiss. The words "you move me Kurt" replay in my head. Our first duet performance - Candles. The first time we made love. All the plans weve made. The Townhouse. The kids names weve picked out. The wedding song weve already chosen. We wont just dance, were going to sing it and show the world what this means to us!

I cant just walk away from all of this.

Ive been such a fool.

So selfish!

I have to go back - I have to make this right! For once and for all!!