I'm in love but you don't care

2016

It happened on the last Thursday of June.

Blaine was wandering around the frozen foods area of their local supermarket, trying to pick out something quick and easy for dinner that night, when his phone went off, a familiar gentle piano melody signalling an incoming call from one Kurt Hummel.

Blaine couldn't help the smile that appeared on his face upon seeing his boyfriend's name on the display. More than five years into the relationship, Kurt still did this to him. Blaine let the phone ring a couple more seconds, just to hear the first few words of the song, before he picked it up. An elderly, somewhat sour-looking woman sent him a perplexed look. Right, he must look a little weird, standing in the middle of the supermarket, smiling at a ringing phone. Blaine did not much care.

'Hi sweetie,' Blaine greeted his boyfriend softly, noticing the woman now smiling approvingly before moving past him, and he thought he might have just single-handedly restored her faith in youth.

'Hey,' Kurt breathed, clearly excited about something. 'You took a long time to answer. I thought it was gonna go to voice-mail.'

'Sorry,' Blaine grinned. They had been through this before. In fact when Blaine had first chosen the song for his ringtone, Kurt had rolled his eyes and muttered something about “cheesiness”, but Blaine had simply shrugged and said that it was how he felt – lucky – which had softened Kurt considerably.

'You know, I'm not sure how much I like having my own ringtone if it means you're just going to listen to the song instead of talking to me.' Kurt's tone was light, teasing. 'Do you love Ben Folds more than me?'

'There's nothing I love more than you.' Blaine stated it matter-of-factly like so many times before, but he still thought he could sense Kurt's blush on the other end (and how was that even possible?). 'Anyway, was there something you wanted? Not that I don't love to talk to you in the middle of the supermarket, but I should probably--'

'I got it!' Kurt blurted, and Blaine just about exploded on his boyfriend's behalf.

'You got--? Did-- Really?'

'Really.' Kurt's voice was shaking with glee. 'They called me just now. And they want me. Me.'

'Oh my god, that's amazing. I can't believe it!' Blaine all but squealed, way beyond caring that people were staring at him as he began pacing down the aisle, unable to stand still. 'Well, I can actually believe it, 'cause you're amazing, so of course they want you. I'm just, you know, yay,' he said as all other words failed him. He stopped to breathe again. 'I'm so happy for you.'

'I know, I can't believe it either. I'm going to LA! I don't know what to do with myself right now. I think I'm still processing.' Kurt laughed a little and Blaine joined him.

'I hear you. If I'm this excited, I can't even imagine what you must be feeling.' Blaine passed the same old lady from before and when their eyes met briefly he smiled politely at her. 'I'm so proud of you, Kurt. My boyfriend's a TV star!' he exclaimed excitedly into the phone, and for a second he thought the woman was about to turn away in disgust, but then she just smiled fondly at him before getting on with her shopping. This was a good day.

'I don't know about star, but it's a terrific opportunity.'

'Definitely,' Blaine agreed. 'And you know no matter what happens you'll always be my star. Hey listen,' he said as an idea struck him. 'I gotta run. See you tonight?'

'Yep. Guess I should go talk to my boss and give my two weeks notice. See you later. Love you.'

'Love you, too.'

Blaine hung up and strode straight over to the butcher's section of the supermarket, where he bought half a dozen of the best steaks he could find. Screw the budget. This called for celebration.

*

When Kurt came home from work that evening, Blaine surprised him by having cooked a delicious meal (okay, it wasn't as good as Kurt would have made it, but Blaine couldn't exactly have asked Kurt to cook his own surprise dinner). He had made sure that Rachel and their other roommate, Max, were home and he had invited over Charlie, a close friend of Kurt's from college, and Tina, who had also gone to New York after high school.

'What's this?' Kurt asked as he hung his jacket, his lips curling into a confused smile.

'This is to celebrate.' Blaine pecked Kurt on the lips and smiled brightly at him. 'You.'

Dinner was an enjoyable affair, all excited talk, laughs and questions about Kurt's show (half of which he couldn't or wasn't allowed to answer). Rachel gushed about what an amazing opportunity it was; the amount of experience Kurt would get, not to mention exposure. Blaine found it kind of adorable how hard she tried not to talk about it all in relation to herself, though she did eventually turn the conversation to auditions she herself has been going to and one particular musical that looked promising ('Off Broadway, but still').

Charlie (who Blaine had internally dubbed “the gayest straight man” he knew) had graduated with Kurt that summer and he didn't even try to hide his jealousy, but he was also adamant that Kurt definitely deserved the break. Max was a history major and confessed that he knew nothing about this sort of stuff, but he joined in the celebration anyway ('Plus, you know, free food.'). Tina was sweet as always and after a couple of glasses of wine she got a little teary-eyed and started waxing poetic about the old days and how far Kurt had come. Blaine spent most of the night quietly watching his boyfriend. He was practically glowing.

'So guys, how are you going to handle being apart?' Max asked, when they were halfway through dessert. 'I mean, it's literally thousands of miles, isn't it?'

Blaine felt Kurt tense next to him, and he looked a bit like a deer caught in the headlights, but Blaine just shrugged. It had crossed his mind that it was going to be difficult, what with Kurt in Los Angeles and Blaine in New York, still a year short of graduating himself – of course it had. Tonight, however, was about celebrating his boyfriend's success, not moaning about the difficult year they had ahead of them.

'A lot of flying back and forth, I suppose. And lots and lots of Skyping.' He smiled. 'We'll manage. We always do.' Blaine covered Kurt's hand on the table with his own, squeezing reassuringly.

Later when Tina and Charlie had left and Max and Rachel had retreated to their respective rooms, Kurt and Blaine lay together in bed, naked limbs tangled up in each other and hands roaming freely. Blaine had settled on top of Kurt, kissing his way down Kurt's body.

'You're really not worried?' Kurt asked then, and Blaine's kisses came to a halt on Kurt's abdomen as Blaine looked up. 'About us?'

'No,' Blaine said firmly. 'Why would I be? We've done this before, remember.'

'But--' Kurt opened his mouth, but Blaine swallowed his protests with a searing kiss on the lips.

'Shh, not now, okay? We haven't had the obligatory celebratory sex yet, and I really don't think I can get it up if we're discussing red-eyes and Skype calls.'

Kurt quirked an eyebrow, but had to stifle a giggle and struggled to keep his voice even, mock-serious. 'Really? The sex is obligatory?'

'Yes, when your boyfriend gets cast in the huge new show, that everyone's talking about, you are honor bound to fuck his brains out as a reward.' Blaine adopted his dapper prep school boy persona, and he might have been reciting The Warblers' rule book, except his words were ridiculous (which, granted, some of the Warbler rules had been as well) 'It's the rule.'

Kurt smirked up at him for a second before he suddenly, and with a strength that really should not surprise Blaine anymore, flipped them both around, so Blaine was now on his back, Kurt on top of him.

'I think you need to brush up on the rules, because I'm pretty sure you've got that backwards.' And then Kurt was sliding off Blaine and moving between his legs, pressing light kisses to his inner thighs, teasing him. 'Hm?'

'Well, uh,' Blaine managed. What are words? 'I'm sure we can, uh, bend the rules a little. If you, uh,' Blaine whimpered when Kurt finally stopped teasing, and the last word came out as a whine. 'Insist.'

Blaine wasn't worried.

*

In the week following, Kurt was busy taking care of a thousand practicalities surrounding his move to LA and work on the show itself. There were movers to call, an apartment to find, meetings to schedule and scripts to read, and if Blaine sometimes caught Kurt seeming on edge or distant, he attributed it to that. Blaine, for his part, tried to help out the best he could, but there was really only so much he could do, so instead he dug out his calendar and set out to plan weekend visits. Of course it was difficult when both his and Kurt's schedules were still so much up in the air, but he did at least circle the first weekend he would like to come visit Kurt at his new place.

Blaine brought his plans up to Kurt over dinner on Friday the following week. Both Rachel and Max were out, so Blaine and Kurt had the apartment to themselves for the evening. To Blaine's surprise, Kurt didn't look at all happy or excited at the prospect of his boyfriend's first visit. Instead he bit his lip and stared at his plate, like something was on his mind, but he wasn't sure Blaine was going to want to hear it.

'What is it?' Blaine asked, eyeing Kurt fondly and trying to catch his eye. 'Does that weekend not work for you? 'Cause it was just a suggestion--'

'No, no. It's fine,' Kurt said quickly. 'It's not that.'

'Well, come on then. Spit it out,' Blaine urged, continuing to tug into his dinner and smiling lightly. He wasn't worried. He really, really wasn't.

When Kurt finally spoke his tone was even, casual almost, like he was suggesting they watch something different on TV. 'Do you think maybe we should take a break?'

'From what?' Blaine looked at him blankly, not understanding.

Kurt worried his lip again. 'From...us.'

For a long while Blaine just stared at Kurt, his entire being frozen.

'You can't be serious.' But Kurt's face was solemn and his body sort of deflated. There was no way that he was joking. 'Why?'

'You know why.' Kurt's voice was quiet, shaking ever so slightly. 'This year we have ahead of us – you here and me in LA. Do you have any idea how hard it's going to be?'

'Of course I do. Kurt, of course I do.'

'I'm not so sure you do. You've been avoiding the conversation all week, and either you really don't think it's a big deal, or you do and you don't want to think about it.'

'Well, forgive me for trying to stay positive,' Blaine spit. He got to his feet, annoyed now. 'And don't talk to me like I'm a child. I know what we're getting into, okay? Or are you forgetting that we did this exact thing four years ago?'

'But it's not the same thing, Blaine. Far from it. Lima is, what, five, six hundred miles. LA is more than two and half thousand. We won't be able to just pop back and forth the same way--'

'So the visits will be shorter, we still--' Blaine tried to interject, but Kurt kept going, ignoring him.

'And your senior year is important, Blaine. You can't afford to spend half of it traveling across the country, or entertaining me while I'm here.'

'Why don't you let me worry about that?' Blaine shot, annoyance starting to melt into anger. How could Kurt even be saying any of this?

'And what happens when you graduate and all your job opportunities are here or somewhere that's not LA? Do we just keep this long-distance thing going indefinitely?'

'Well, contrary to popular belief not everyone in LA is in the movie industry. I'll find something there.'

'And if you don't? Or if you get a better offer somewhere else? You shouldn't compromise on your career just to be with me.' There's no “just” about being with you. 'I wouldn't do that to you. And I hope vice versa.'

'So because of something that might be a problem in a year, you wanna just give up now?' Blaine said, allowing his disappointment to color his voice. 'After everything?'

'Not give up.' Kurt got to his feet too, and walked to stand in front of Blaine, looking him in the eye as he continued. 'Never give up. Just...a break.'

'Yeah, which is code for breakup,' Blaine said, voice strained.

'Hey, no.' Kurt took Blaine's hand and held it between both of his. 'That's not what I mean. I just think being apart will be easier if there's not this pressure of maintaining a relationship constantly looming. Know what I mean?'

Blaine shook his head. If they were not breaking up, how was being apart from Kurt going to be any easier, just because they were “taking a break”. And if they were breaking up – well then he was really fucked. And since when was their relationship pressuring?

Kurt let go of Blaine's hand and took a few steps back to the kitchen table, where the rest of their dinner was getting cold. He grabbed the back of the chair with both hands, leaning back against it, before taking a deep breath.

'Blaine, that year before you joined me here... I don't think you realize how hard that actually was for me. It was hell. I missed you so much and it affected everything I did. I felt so apart from everything that went on. I held on, because I knew that in less than a year we'd be together. But this time around, it will be much, much more difficult. We're both going to be busier, it'll be harder finding times when we can see each other. And with no guarantee of a reunion at the end of it... I'm sorry, but I just don't think I can do it again.'

'And you think it'll be easier, just because we're “on a break”? That we're just going to stop missing each other?'

'I think...it'll be easier, yes.' Blaine let out a short disbelieving huff of breath. 'And I guess--' Kurt looked like he was struggling with a thought, finding the right way to express it. 'You know, we've only ever been with each other. Don't you wonder sometimes?'

'Wonder what?' Blaine kept his voice even, indifferent, but he felt his stomach start to twist into knots, not liking what Kurt was getting at.

'Look, I love you,' Kurt said straightening up. 'But, Blaine, we met in high school. In Ohio. The real world is a lot bigger than that, and I just think maybe--' Kurt swallowed and finished with a shrug of his shoulders. 'Maybe it's time we explored that for a while.'

At that moment a little part of Blaine died, because through all of it – every fight, every obstacle – and in the face of every person telling him time and again that people didn't marry their first loves, Blaine had always believed in them. Always.

'Wait, let me explain.' Kurt took a few steps forward to stand in front of Blaine again. He made to touch the side of Blaine's face.

'Don't touch me,' Blaine spit, surprised at the venom in his own voice, and Kurt watched helplessly as Blaine shied away from him, crossing to the other side of the room. 'You want to see other people.'

'I-- No. I don't know. Sort of.' Kurt sighed, closing his eyes for a moment. 'I think if we have to spend a year apart, it's... an opportunity?' Blaine blanched. 'No, wait. I shouldn't have said it like that. Listen to me. I. Love. You. Don't think for a second that I don't. I just--'

'You're curious,' Blaine offered. 'About other people.'

'I guess?' Kurt frowned. 'I can't really explain it. Mostly I just can't do what we did last time. I just-- I can't. But I'm not ready for us to be over either. Am I making sense?'

Blaine wanted to say no. He didn't understand why they couldn't do what they did last time. They had survived, hadn't they? But he could tell that Kurt was serious, and Blaine didn't know that he had it in him to oppose Kurt. Not when the real world is a lot bigger than that still echoed in his mind. Despite how much he had tried to backtrack afterwards, those were the words Kurt had used. Blaine didn't need a break or other people to tell him that Kurt was all he was ever going to want or need, and it broke his heart to realize that maybe Kurt didn't feel the same way. That Blaine couldn't just be enough on his own, the way Kurt was for Blaine. That maybe Kurt thought that there was someone better out there for him. Who am I kidding? Of course there is. Blaine wasn't about to talk Kurt out of it. It was just going to spark resentment on Kurt's part and insecurity on Blaine's, which would end in Kurt leaving him anyway. At least this way Kurt might come back to him in the end.

'I guess. Okay.'

*

Day 1

Their break didn't officially begin until Kurt left for LA a little over a week later, but neither was their relationship the same after that conversation, so Blaine counted the days from there. He didn't even really know to what purpose he was counting. Maybe it was his way of applying logic in the form of maths to a situation he was so desperately trying to make sense of. Either way he counted.

Day 4

Blaine felt himself starting to get uncomfortable around Kurt, all too conscious of every move either of them made. How were you supposed to be in a relationship with someone who had told you, that they weren't sure they even wanted to be with you? Was Blaine still allowed to kiss Kurt? Hold him at night? Fuck him? And if he was, did that mean that Kurt was indulging him or that Kurt wanted those things, too?

Day 7

On their last night together Blaine stopped caring if it was needy or weird or wrong. He needed to feel Kurt close to him again, if there was any way he was going to make it through his goodbyes the next day without falling apart completely. So when Kurt responded to his advances that night, Blaine put every thought of why out of his head, and just allowed himself to feel. He fucked Kurt long and hard until they both came, every thrust a mantra of mine, mine, mine as though claiming Kurt in this primal way, would also make him Blaine's in every other way.

Day 8

The morning of Kurt's leaving arrived bright and sunny like any other day in July, and Blaine kind of wished it had been gray and cloudy. People tended to be a bit more reserved in their displays of happiness, when the weather was dull, or at least that was what Blaine had always thought. In any case happy, smiley, ice cream-eating sunshine people was not on Blaine's list of favorite things today.

Blaine had hoped for a quiet moment with Kurt, before they had to leave for the airport, but their last few hours together in the apartment passed by in a blur of stress and last-minute packing. Maybe it was just as well; Blaine probably wouldn't really have known what to say, anyway. Before he knew it he, Kurt and Rachel were in the car, fighting their way through morning traffic.

Next to Blaine Kurt had started fiddling with the radio, pressing buttons over and over, nothing satisfying him and his frustration growing by the second. Blaine nudged Kurt's hand lightly with his to make him stop. 'Hey.'

'Are there no decent radio stations left?' Kurt huffed, changing the station again only to be met with someone rapping about his “hoes”. 'Seriously. It's insulting.'

'Why don't we plug in your iPod?' Blaine tried.

'Can't. It's in my bag in the trunk.' Kurt sighed before trying once more and groaning when he was presented with opera.

'Why don't we just do without then?' Blaine cut in, gently brushing Kurt's hand away and turning off the radio completely. Then there was just quiet. Okay, maybe not such a smart move. Tension was starting to build now that there were not a million things (and a radio) to distract them. What kind of conversation was Blaine supposed to go for? Small-talk (Lovely day out, huh? I bet Central Park's crawling with people) or the serious stuff (I'm really going to miss you, Kurt. Please don't leave me)? Somehow neither option seemed particularly inviting.

'Hey guys, did I tell what my director said to me the other day?' Rachel said, seemingly out of the blue. 'He was so out of line, I swear...'

As Rachel kept going and Blaine listened with half an ear, he breathed a soft sigh of relief, grateful for her ability to always find something to talk about (even if it was mostly herself). Blaine appreciated Rachel being there – and so did Kurt, Blaine thought, despite Kurt's one-syllable answers to most of her questions – but nothing she said could distract Blaine from the thought that as of eleven thirty, when Kurt got on that plane, Kurt would no longer be his boyfriend. He wouldn't exactly be his ex either, of course – Kurt had been adamant that the break was not meant as a breakup in disguise. Despite this Blaine couldn't help but think – melodramatically, he knew; Rachel was rubbing off on him – that he was driving towards the doom of their relationship. The airport meant the end of his life with Kurt as he knew it, and here he was, driving the car that would take them there.

No, stop it, Blaine chastised himself, it's not over yet.

Once they arrived at the airport Blaine focused all his thoughts on the practicalities of getting a cart for Kurt's luggage, finding the right check-in counter and getting Kurt checked in. When Kurt was finally checked in and his bags dropped off, Kurt slipped off the use the bathroom, which left Blaine alone with Rachel for a moment. Blaine was bouncing restlessly on his feet.

'How are you holding up?' Rachel asked him softly.

'Fine,' he replied automatically, without looking at her.

'It's okay if you're not, you know.' Blaine knew she meant well, and he appreciated it, but her timing sucked.

'Not right now, it's not,' he said distractedly, still radiating nervous energy. Blaine's face lit up in an exaggerated smile when he saw Kurt emerge from the bathroom. 'Hey! Ready to go?'

As they got closer to the boarding card check, after which Kurt would proceed to security check and they could no longer follow him, Blaine felt his heartbeat quicken and his palms getting sweaty. All too soon they came to a halt, standing a little off to the side, so they wouldn't be in anyone's way.

This was it.

'So...' Kurt stood awkwardly in front of Blaine and Rachel, lost for words. Biting his lip nervously and eyes darting from Blaine to Rachel, Blaine was struck suddenly with how much younger than twenty-two Kurt looked – which was probably why they had hired him to play a high school student, Blaine reflected dimly. Even like this Kurt was amazing, and just how was Blaine going to get used to not waking up to that gorgeous face every morning as he had for the better part of three years? 'I guess...'

Kurt trailed off as Rachel stepped forward then. She touched the side of his face gently, before pulling him into a tight hug.

'I'm so proud of you, Kurt. I'm gonna miss you like crazy.' Blaine could tell by the way Rachel's voice tightened that she was fighting tears and, oh shit, now Blaine was, too. 'But I am so so proud of you.'

They hugged again for a long while, each murmuring things Blaine couldn't hear in the other one's ear, before they finally pulled apart. Rachel looked at Kurt for a long moment, before telling him with a smile that was somehow equal parts sad and happy, 'Go. Be amazing.' She squeezed his hand briefly, and Kurt smiled appreciatively at her, watching as she stepped a few feet away, giving Kurt and Blaine their privacy.

Blaine stood in front of Kurt now. He wanted to say something, felt like he should. If his life had been a movie, he was pretty sure he would be working his way through a big speech right about now. He would be telling Kurt how much he was going to miss him, how much he loved Kurt and how much he wished they weren't doing this. Or if Blaine's life was a musical he would be launching into some huge gesture of a song. But no words would come to him, lyrical or otherwise. Blaine swallowed thickly.

'Blaine...' Kurt spoke softly, and Blaine met his eyes, his own eyes burning with the tears he refused to shed. He let himself be swept into a warm embrace, dimly registering that Kurt's messenger bag was digging into his thigh, but focusing on the feeling of Kurt's soft breath and the gentle caress of his hand against his neck. He wanted to stay there forever, buried in Kurt's arms, but all too soon (a minute? An hour?) Kurt pulled back. He smiled softly at Blaine, who still had one hand splayed on Kurt's chest. Blaine smiled brokenly in return.

'You're still coming to visit next month like you talked about, right?' Kurt asked, covering Blaine's hand on his chest with his own.

'I-- Do you want me to?'

'Of course I want you to, Blaine. Of course. What, did you think I was just going to leave New York and then we'd ignore each other until you graduate? You won't get off that easy, mister.' Kurt poked him playfully in the chest.

'No, I--' Blaine swallowed the lump in his throat. 'Of course I'll come.'

Blaine's smile was sincere this time.

'I have to go,' Kurt said after a moment, voice full of regret and making no effort to break away from Blaine.

'I know,' Blaine said, letting himself be the one to step back. He let a few seconds pass, before he gave in and leaned forward to capture Kurt's lips with his own in a painfully short kiss, before he pulled back again and echoed Rachel's sentiments, 'Go take LA by storm.'

Blaine watched Kurt as he hoisted his bag over his shoulder and showed his boarding card, before being ushered on to security check. He turned back and with a small wave of his hand, he rounded a corner and was gone.

Blaine kept staring at that one spot as though any minute Kurt was going to pop back around the corner. After a while he felt a small hand take his, tugging gently at him.

'Come,' Rachel said quietly, and Blaine let himself be led away, following her wordlessly.

When they reached the car in the parking lot, Blaine stood dumbly for a minute, before remembering that it was his car and that he was the one with the keys. He fumbled for a moment before withdrawing the keys from his pocket.

'Are you okay?' Rachel's voice was quiet, concerned.

'No.' Blaine shook his head and finally allowed his tears to fall. 'No, I'm not.'

Day 34

Blaine and Rachel were watching TV (well, the TV was on and Rachel was talking) when Blaine's phone rang with the same old ringtone, that Blaine hadn't seen fit to change. He smiled as he accepted the call.

'Hey.'

'Tell him hi from me,' Rachel said with a wink before excusing herself from the room, giving them privacy to talk.

'Hey yourself,' came Kurt's voice.

'So Rachel says hi,' Blaine chuckled, feeling a pleasant fluttering in his stomach at hearing Kurt's voice again.

'Thanks.' Blaine could hear Kurt's smile on the other end.

Blaine had been surprised at how comfortable things had been between himself and Kurt for the past month since Kurt had moved. Kurt hadn't been kidding when he had said he wanted to keep in touch; they spoke together on the phone at least once a week, and on days when they didn't there were emails and Facebook and semi-flirtatious text messages. Blaine had visited Kurt in his new LA apartment the weekend before, and it had felt like nothing had changed at all between them.

There had not been a single mention of dating or other people, and Blaine couldn't help but feel hopeful. He was even starting to move past his resentment of the fact that Kurt needed this in the first place. It was normal to have doubts about a relationship, wasn't it? All the books and movies said so, right? So just because Blaine had no doubt in his mind, didn't mean that Kurt didn't get to. And the fact of the matter was that after a month apart, Kurt and Blaine were still having long, comfortable conversations, which had to mean that Kurt wasn't having them with someone else.

'Listen, I should tell you.' Kurt sounded anxious suddenly. 'I've been invited to this charity event this weekend.' Kurt babbled off the details of what the charity supported and what kind of people would be there.

'That sounds like a really great cause, Kurt,' Blaine said bracingly. 'And it can't hurt your career either to be seen out and about like this.'

'That's what I thought, too. And, well, he's mostly just a friend, but I just thought I'd let you know in case there were pictures and you wondered or something.'

'Oh.' Blaine felt his stomach drop. 'You're going as someone's date.'

'Yes. Is that okay?'

'Yeah, of course.' Blaine's voice was strained as he replied. 'So who's the guy?'

'It's Scott.' Kurt's voice was cautious, as though he was afraid of saying the wrong thing. 'You know, Scott Boyes, one of the producers on my show?'

'Oh, okay.' Isn't he a bit old? 'I didn't realize he was gay.'

'It's not like I'm dating him,' Kurt said quickly. 'I guess, he just thought I might find it interesting.'

'Kurt, it's fine. Really.' Blaine sighed, hoping Kurt couldn't hear through the phone. 'It's what we agreed to, isn't it?'

'I guess, but--'

'Listen, I should go. I have a huge paper to write,' Blaine blurted and hanging up, before remembering that classes didn't even start for another couple of weeks.

Day 39

It was Tuesday the following week and Blaine had just finished reading Kurt's latest email, detailing his work on the show and how much he was learning. It said nothing about his faux date three days prior. In fact Kurt had not brought it up at all, since they last spoke, and Blaine had not wanted to ask, although part of him was dying to. He had not missed the way Kurt had talked of Scott as “mostly” just a friend. Blaine stared at his desktop, bouncing the laptop lightly in his lap, until finally a morbid sense of curiosity overtook him.

He opened his browser and typed a few choice words in his search engine. It didn't take long for him to find what he was looking for. He browsed through the press photos from the event, barely registering who he was seeing except they weren't Kurt. Then he reached the photo of Kurt and Scott, and Blaine sucked in a breath.

His eyes fell on Kurt first, looking simply stunning all dressed up to the nines. He was practically oozing excitement, and Blaine smiled, genuinely happy for Kurt in his success. This Scott next to him – Blaine didn't really know a lot about him, except the little Kurt had told him. He looked to be in his late thirties, and he was handsome, Blaine supposed, in a rugged sort of way. Blaine's eyes drifted from their faces to Scott's arm, snaked around Kurt's waist in what Blaine thought was a much too intimate way. Kurt didn't look at all uncomfortable. Beneath the photo there was a bit of text that the website that hosted the photos had written.

Scott Boyes and his new beau? CUTE!

Blaine clicked away immediately, quickly regretting his curiosity. He closed his laptop and tossed it aside as though it was poisonous.

*

Blaine was sitting cross-legged on the couch, his nose in a book, when Rachel came home a few hours later. Blaine felt the couch dip as she joined him there.

'What's up?' she asked, nudging a shoulder against his.

'What? Nothing? I'm fine.'

'Your book is upside-down, Blaine,' Rachel informed him in an even voice. Blaine flushed. 'You saw the pictures, didn't you?'

Somehow Blaine's first thought was there was more than one picture? and he wondered if the rest were any better or worse. However, if Rachel's tone was anything to go by, they certainly weren't any better.

'I don't know what you're talking about,' Blaine insisted, staring at the upside-down page number in his book and feeling too embarrassed to admit that he was jealous of this Scott based on nothing more than a photo.

'Look, Kurt assures me they're just friends, no matter what the media says. He's not this guy's new beau or whatever.'

'So what if he is?' Blaine tried for nonchalant, but was pretty sure he was failing. 'Kurt's allowed to date. It's kind of the point of this whole thing.' He made a vague gesture with his hand, before finally abandoning his book on the coffee table.

'I don't think that's...' She trailed off, frowning for a short moment. 'Well, you're allowed to date, too, don't forget,' Rachel told him, clearly trying to show him a silver lining. 'Have you even--'

'No.' Blaine's voice was firm. 'We're doing this for Kurt's sake, not mine. I'll wait all year if I have to, but I'm not dating anyone else while there's still a chance he's not done with us.'

Day 54

'I have a date,' Kurt informed Blaine on the final night of August. 'Well, kind of. It's a blind date that a mutual friend set up. She talked him up so much I'd have felt rude saying no.'

Blaine's inside felt like they were twisting into knots. Just the day before he himself had turned down a similar offer with the words I'm sorry, I can't, I'm still in love with my ex. And then he had gone home and eaten half a tub of ice cream, because in his fluster he had just called Kurt his ex.

'Okay. Well, have fun, I guess,' Blaine forced out, feeling more than a little pathetic being so decidedly not over them, fighting back advances from Sebastian who had somehow caught wind of the situation, while Kurt readily accepted dates.

'What about you? Are you... Have you met anyone?'

'No. It hasn't come up.'

Day 73

'Hey,' Blaine called from his place on the couch in the living room, where he was attempting to stay focused on his homework, when the front door slammed.

'Hi,' Rachel greeted tiredly, before flopping down on next to him a few moments later.

'Long journey?'

'Long journey,' she confirmed. Rachel had been to visit Kurt in LA for a few days, and Blaine was dying to ask questions, but wasn't sure he particularly wanted to hear the answers. So far Kurt had been pretty good about keeping Blaine informed, telling him when he went on a date or to a party, but Blaine couldn't decide whether he was glad of that or if he would rather just not know.

'Nice trip?' he asked, trying to sound casual and feigning interest in whatever was on his computer screen.

'Yeah, definitely,' she said sincerely. 'He's doing what he loves. It's great to see him so happy, you know?'

Blaine made a non-committal sound, as he continued to fiddle with his laptop.

'Okay, you're gonna have to help me out here,' Rachel said then, causing Blaine to look up, frowning in confusion.

'What?'

Rachel moved so she was kneeling on the couch, and she looked imploringly at Blaine. 'Look, I know all this,' she gestured with her hand. 'must be difficult for you. I know you miss him. But Blaine, I don't know what you want from me, and you're gonna have to tell me. I'll give you details and my thoughts and the whole shebang, if you want, but sometimes I think you'd rather I just spare you.'

'I'm not sure I know either.' Blaine sighed. 'Wait, what does “spare” me mean?' Rachel just looked at him for a long moment. Did he really want to know? Maybe not, but he needed to. He took a deep breath. 'Okay. Lay it on me. Tell me everything.'

And tell him everything she did; from the moment she arrived in LA to the moment she stepped back into the apartment. Whether or not it involved Kurt. Blaine rolled his eyes fondly as she spoke.

'So he's dating? A lot.'

'If you want to look at it that way, then yes, I guess. But Blaine, for what it's worth, I really don't think he's looking for anything serious. I think you've got this idea in your head that he's unsure of you or something, but all I saw was a guy going to parties and the occasional date, enjoying some innocent flirting. Like an extended bachelor party, or something.'

'Great. Good for him.' But there was no joy in Blaine's voice.

'I'm sure once the year is done, when you graduate and you can join him, he'll want to pick things up.' Rachel put a comforting hand on his shoulder and gave him a reassuring smile.

'I hope so. It's just...' Blaine closed his eyes for a second. 'I guess I can understand where he's coming from with all this. It was difficult being apart in his freshman year. I can sort of understand the impulse to want to try being single in a big city, if we're going to be apart for the next year, anyway. But it's just-- Even if we get together again, it wasn't supposed to be like this, you know? I wanted to someday tell our kids the story of how I met Kurt at sixteen and it's only ever been us. No wavering. The whole thing is just so shitty.'

'I know, sweetie. But things don't work out the way you plan. That's life.' She spoke softly, but Blaine thought he detected an edge of impatience in her voice, and he felt another miserable stab of embarrassment at his inability to handle the situation. 'I mean, look at me. I thought for sure I'd marry Finn and look how that went. But we've both moved on and are happier people for it.'

'Is that your way of telling me it's time to move on?' Blaine cocked an eyebrow, smiling wryly.

'No,' Rachel insisted, dragging out the word. 'But maybe it'd be good if you went out sometime? You've never been single in a big city either.'

'Can't,' Blaine said quickly. The very thought made him feel ill. 'No time. Too much school work.'

Day 85

'Dude, are you coming or not?' Max poked his head into the bathroom, where Blaine stood in his underwear post-shower. 'Cause we kind of need to get going soon.'

'Oh. I guess you should just go on without me,' Blaine said jumping on the excuse. 'I'll just--'

'Oh, no you don't,' came Rachel's voice as she barged into the bathroom, pushing Max aside in the process, and immediately started dragging Blaine out of there by the arm. 'He's coming,' she told Max who watched in amusement. 'Give me five minutes.'

'Rachel--' Blaine began when she had led him to his bedroom and started rummaging through his closet, but she cut him off with an impatient 'Shush!' She rifled through his clothes for half a minute, before throwing a pair of pants and a matching shirt on the bed. She regarded him sternly, hands on hips.

'Get dressed,' she ordered. Blaine opened his mouth to protest. 'Ah! I don't want to hear it. I don't care if you spend the night in your own corner, not talking to anyone, but you are going to this party and that's that.'

Sensing defeat, Blaine reluctantly started pulling on the clothes Rachel had picked out for him.

'It's not like I'd let anyone down by not going,' Blaine whined, pouting a little. 'These are all Max's friends.'

'Perfect. Then they won't care if you're being an anti-social ass.'

She gave him a meaningful look, and Blaine gave an exasperated sigh. 'Honestly, I'd rather just stay home and--'

'Curl up on the couch? Watch a bunch of bad rom-coms?' Yeah, actually that sounds really good. 'I'm sorry, but I'm done watching you mope around the apartment like a kicked puppy. You've been doing nothing else for two months and I'm sick of it. Here. Shoes.'

Blaine put on the shoes on with a scowl. 'My hair--'

'Is fine. You can go one night without product. No one's gonna care. They're all drunk anyway.' Rachel gave him the once-over, and – apparently satisfied – she added, 'Now, get.'

Blaine moved out of his bedroom and into the hall, before Rachel could drag him by the arm again.

'He's ready,' Rachel announced to Max who was waiting at the front door. She kissed Blaine once on the cheek and gave him a reassuring smile. 'Have fun.'

'Thanks,' Blaine muttered, sending her a small smile and hoping she would understand what he meant.

Day 105

The phone rang in Blaine's ear. One, two, three, four times.

Since they first met in 2010, Blaine and Kurt had always celebrated the day they met as much as the day they got together (which Blaine quietly called 'The day I got my head out of my ass'). Blaine did not want 2016 to be an exception, so he planned on flying out to LA, so they could celebrate together. The day fell on a Wednesday this year, which for obvious reasons did not really work for either of them, so Blaine was calling Kurt to ask him whether the weekend before or after was better for him.

Blaine frowned lightly as the phone continued to ring with no answer. Kurt was usually pretty quick to pick up his phone. Of course, Blaine realized, today was Friday. Kurt was probably out at some party or--

'Hello?' a voice said, before Blaine could finish the thought. It was clearly a man's voice, but it definitely wasn't Kurt's.

'I'm sorry, is this the right number?' Blaine frowned. The man was breathing heavily into the phone and there was a strange scuffling noise in the background. 'I'm looking for Kurt?'

'Sorry, mate,' the man, who seemed to be speaking with an English accent, sounded out of breath when he replied, and what was that noise? 'Kurt's a little tied up at the moment. Can I take a message?'

The man sounded oddly smug, and it sent shivers up Blaine's spine for reasons he couldn't quite explain yet. And then he heard a quiet sated sort of giggling in the background – and that was definitely Kurt giggling.

'Josh, what are you doing?' Blaine dimly noted that Kurt, too, was breathing heavily. 'You don't answer my phone in the middle off--'

Kurt's words were cut off by a loud, clearly pleasure-induced moan, and Blaine froze, feeling all the blood drain from his face as he realized what was happening. He ended the call quickly, before dropping the phone as though it were on fire, but the noises he had heard still rang in his head, and a picture was forming in his mind of Kurt sprawled on a bed – his own maybe – in some obscene position with this faceless English prick pounding into him and--

Blaine shook his head, getting to his feet and starting to pace around the apartment in a vain attempt to clear the image from his mind, but everywhere he turned he was reminded of Kurt. The couch – they used to make out there. The desk – Kurt used to sit there, studying or dreaming up new designs. The kitchen – Kurt was a fantastic cook. Blaine's bedroom, which used to be their bedroom – the things they had done in there; things Kurt was doing with someone else right this minute. The guy – Josh – had used the words “tied up”, and oh god, had he meant literally?

Without really thinking about it, Blaine had picked his phone back up and was calling the first person that came to mind.

*

Blaine was sitting alone at the bar, scowling into his drink. Loud music filled the place, but it wasn't enough to drown out the giggling and the moaning and the comfortable way Kurt had addressed the guy, and Blaine knew beyond a doubt that what he had heard wasn't their first time together, and god, he felt so stupid. He heard Kurt's voice in his head, asking him over and over Are you seeing anyone yet? and then the unspoken Maybe you should. Blaine downed the rest of his drink in one go, wishing he could stop clinging to a past that Kurt had so obviously let go of, and feeling pathetic and useless that he couldn't.

'Hey there, killer, slow down,' a familiar voice greeted him, its owner patting him on the shoulder. 'You're way ahead of me already.'

'You came.' Blaine had never been so glad to see Sebastian Smythe.

'You sounded upset,' Sebastian shrugged, gesturing to the bartender for drinks. 'Booth?' he nodded towards an empty booth in the corner, and Blaine followed him there, letting himself sink back into the plushy seat. 'What's up?'

'He's moving on,' Blaine croaked. 'Kurt. From us.'

'O-kay,' Sebastian said slowly, and Blaine knew that “confidante” was not really Sebastian's favorite role to play. Blaine didn't know why he was telling Sebastian this, or even why he had wanted to see him tonight. 'Has he actually told you that?'

'Not exactly,' Blaine admitted. 'But he's fucking someone else.'

'Well, that doesn't have to mean anything. Take it from me. Sometimes sex is just sex.' Sebastian did his best to sound like he was reassuring his friend, but Blaine also heard the slight disappointment in his voice, and Blaine wondered again why he had thought it was a good idea to spill his guts to Sebastian Smythe of all people.

'Not for Kurt.' True, these days Kurt was far from the “baby penguin” he had been at seventeen, but still, Blaine couldn't see him jumping into bed with the first guy that came along, newly single or not. And if he did, what did that make Blaine?

'You guys are on a break, though, right? Isn't that kind of what you do? See other people and stuff?' Sebastian reasoned.

'Would he be fucking someone else if he planned on us getting back together?'

'I don't know, would he?' Sebastian shrugged. 'I'm sorry, I really suck at this stuff. But I always kind of figured that was the point of a break. Fucking around.'

'That's not what--' Blaine made a choked sound. 'He said he needed the year to figure things out. Looks like he has,' Blaine added bitterly.

'Well, then I'm sorry.'

'No, you're not,' Blaine chuckled despite himself.

'Okay, you got me.' Sebastian threw his hands up in mock surrender. 'I've always thought you were too good for him and if he's letting you go, well, then he's fucking blind and stupid. But I am sorry if you're hurting,' he added, his voice soft and his hand touching the side of Blaine's face in a surprisingly tender gesture. Blaine sighed and closed his eyes, raising his hand to cover Sebastian's hand, keeping it there.

He heard the soft squeaking sound as Sebastian scooted closer to him in the booth, and he kept his eyes closed as he felt soft breath against his mouth. The kiss was hesitant almost, soft and barely there. When it broke after just a few seconds, Blaine opened his eyes to find Sebastian staring at him, his expression soft.

'Perfect,' Sebastian muttered, and something in Blaine fluttered at the word.

'Seb,' Blaine whined a little.

Blaine might be a little tipsy at this point, but he wasn't stupid. He knew what Sebastian was doing, what he was hoping for. However, at this moment with Sebastian being everything he needed him to be, Blaine didn't much care what the other boy's agenda was.

Sebastian brushed his thumb across Blaine's bottom lip, and Blaine shivered.

'Gorgeous.'

'Are you-- Do you live nearby?' Blaine asked.

'Not far,' Sebastian replied calmly, shrugging, his darkened eyes the only thing betraying him. 'You sure?'

'Yes.'

Day 106

When Blaine woke the next morning, the first thing he was aware of was a warm arm draped across his back. He was confused for a second until he shifted slightly, feeling the soreness in his body and the night before came rushing back to him. He felt dirty and used – and oddly a little like he had used Sebastian. But a strange sort of calm had washed over him, and he felt a little less broken than he had yesterday.

There was a buzzing noise coming from somewhere on the floor. Blaine turned his head to look and realized that it was coming from his pants. Sebastian stirred beside him.

'Hm...leave it.'

'But, I should--' Blaine rarely ignored a phone call, as it had always made him feel rude. He successfully pulled the phone from his pants, but then Sebastian was pulling him back by the waist, fully awake now. He rolled Blaine onto his back, grinning at him and playfully pinning the arm that held the phone and kissing him open-mouthed.

'Let it go to voice mail. The world doesn't end because Blaine Anderson doesn't answer his phone.'

Blaine grinned happily, but took the phone in his other hand and answered it anyway, forgetting to check the caller-id.

'Hello?'

'Blaine! Hi! It's Kurt.'

'Kurt!' Blaine quickly sat up, ignoring Sebastian's eye-rolling.

'Listen, before you say anything, I need to apologize for last night. That was-- You shouldn't have had to hear that. Josh, he-- he shouldn't have done that. I'm really, really sorry.' Kurt did sound genuinely sorry.

'Yeah, that was... unexpected. And no offense, but your boyfriend's kind of a douche.'

'He's not my boyfriend, Blaine,' Kurt said quickly. Exactly how was that better?

'I slept with Sebastian,' Blaine announced before he could stop to think about what he was saying. Behind him Sebastian sucked in a breath, but didn't otherwise move or say anything.

'Oh.'

Blaine wasn't sure what he hoped to gain by telling Kurt. Jealousy? Anger? Disappointment? Maybe Blaine hoped that Kurt would yell at him; after all the crap he had pulled over the years, why Sebastian? Because unlike you Sebastian still wants me. Maybe he just wanted to hurt Kurt a little. Whatever it was, it certainly wasn't oh.

Oh was barely even a reaction at all.

*

On the train ride home later that day, Blaine's mind was reeling. If sleeping with Sebastian of all people – with all the history and everything Blaine knew he represented to Kurt – only rendered quiet acceptance from Kurt, then it really didn't matter to him anymore what Blaine did. He was finally beginning to accept the fact that Kurt was moving on. A tightness formed in his chest at the realization. Blaine wasn't angry with Kurt. He couldn't be. But that didn't mean that living with the knowledge was going to be easy. And despite living in opposite ends of the country, Kurt was still so much in his life, just not in the way Blaine wanted him to be, and it hurt.

His mind made up, Blaine went straight to his bedroom and turned on his computer, when he got home. He logged on to Facebook and, before he could second-guess his decision, he promptly unfriended one Kurt Hummel. Next he pulled out his phone and finally changed the ringtone for calls from Kurt back to the regular one, the same one he had for everyone else. He felt sagely grateful that he would no longer have to listen to that inane song every time Kurt called. Not that he expected Kurt to be calling a lot. That was kind of the point.

It was time to stop focusing on the past and look ahead.