Chapter 4

Look, I'm still around

(I'm trying hard to take it back)

Part one

I'm sorry. Please don't tell anyone.

Kurt sat at the red light, staring blankly at his phone, the message from Blaine just a series of meaningless letters. When the light turned green, he threw the phone on the seat passenger seat next to him, keeping his eyes on the road as he drove. To an outsider he may have looked perfectly calm and content, but that was far from the case. Kurt's mind was spinning. He played the moment over and over in his head as though, if he just did it enough times, he would come to a different conclusion, and this wouldn't be his reality. Catching his boyfriend shirtless by accident would have been exciting rather than horrifying. Blaine wouldn't have lied to him through eight months of dating. Kurt wouldn't be this angry right now. Or hurt. Or confused. Or scared.

'Hi, hon,' Carole called from the kitchen when Kurt made it home. 'Dinner's almost ready.' The smell of warm food was creeping into the hallway where Kurt was hanging his coat, and he vaguely recognized the smell as something he liked, but he thought he might throw up if he ate anything right now.

'I'm not hungry. I ate at Blaine's,' he called back, ignoring his rumbling stomach and barely keeping himself from grimacing at the sound of his boyfriend's name. He didn't wait for a response before hurrying upstairs to his room and closing the door behind him.

Leaning against the door, Kurt drew a long breath in the hope of clearing his mind, but all it did was make him more aware of his own ragged breathing and his heart thumping loudly in his chest. Unable to stay still, he began pacing back and forth, doing his best to ignore the urge to scream and throw things.

How had Blaine managed to keep this secret for so long? And how had Kurt not seen the signs? Because there had been signs, Kurt was realizing. Now that he thought about it, wasn't it strange that he had never seen Blaine without a shirt before? Not even a peek as he was changing clothes, or sunbathing over the summer? And come to think of it, Kurt had never been shown a childhood photo of Blaine. Around the Anderson house there were photos of his brother as young as three years old, but Blaine was never younger than fourteen in any of them. And look how violently Blaine had reacted to Kurt's attempt to move the physical aspect of their relationship to the next level. At the thought another flash of anger tore through Kurt. His instincts had told him that something was very wrong, and he had expressed his concerns, giving Blaine every reason to think that, whatever the problem was, Kurt would be understanding.

But still Blaine had lied.

Kurt felt deceived. He felt used. Except maybe for his dad, Blaine was the most important person in Kurt's life, and he had let himself believe that the feeling was mutual. Apparently, though, Kurt wasn't even important enough to be afforded basic honesty, and he had to wonder how much longer the lying would have gone on for if tonight hadn't happened.

Who else knew? Had Blaine told anyone? His family knew of course, but-

Kurt ceased his pacing abruptly. All at once it occurred to him just why Thanksgiving had been so awful for Blaine. He heard Blaine telling him in a would-be casual voiceMy grandmother literally called me a freak and, in the light of recent events, the word choice took on a whole new meaning. Kurt sank to the floor and leaned against his bed, overwhelmed with sudden sadness and heartbreak that Blaine of all people – beautiful, warm Blaine, who never had a mean word to say to anyone – had been made to listen to that. Though Kurt still felt hurt and betrayed, it wasn't hard to tell why Blaine had failed to tell him what was going on, and by running out on him, Kurt might just have confirmed his worst fears.

If only Kurt had the slightest idea what to do next.

Because how was he even remotely equipped to handle something like this? He didn't know the first thing about gender identity issues, or what someone like Blaine might be feeling. Sure, people had always had issues with Kurt, making fun of him for being "girly", and he had been called "lady" more times than he cared to count. But those were their issues, and though the thought had crossed his mind once or twice when he was little, that things might be easier if he were a girl, Kurt had never truly questioned his gender. He was just informed enough that he knew what the "T" in LGBT stood for, and he vaguely knew that "FTM" and "MTF" stood for "female to male" and "male to female" respectively, but he had never dwelled on the topic for long, honestly finding the whole concept a bit difficult to comprehend. The idea of dating a transperson had never even occurred to him, but now it was there and he was just lost.

He wanted – needed – to talk to someone, but Blaine had asked Kurt not to tell anyone and, whatever mixed and messed up feelings he had towards his boyfriend right now, Kurt would never do that to him, even if it was just Kurt's dad who Kurt thought could be trusted to keep quiet. There had to be someone he could talk to though, someone who already knew the truth. There were Blaine's parents, obviously, but Kurt had barely spoken two words to either of them, and he couldn't imagine that conversation going particularly well. Then there was Cooper, who Kurt had just met and liked a lot, but still, he was Blaine's brother, and Kurt thought he might be a little too close to the situation. Kurt needed someone who could give him solid, neutral advice.

What about Dalton? Blaine had boarded there for two years. Someone had to have known. When the answer finally came to him, it was so obvious that Kurt couldn't believe that he hadn't thought of it before. Trent. He had been Blaine's roommate. Trent must have known. He couldn't not have known, right? Quickly Kurt pulled out his phone – the phone that had started all this tonight – found Trent's number and called him up.

'Hello?'

'Please tell me you know why I'm calling,' Kurt said as a way of greeting.

'Kurt? What's wrong?' Trent sounded immediately worried.

'It's Blaine.' Kurt kept his answer purposely vague just in case he was wrong.

'Oh. He finally told you?'

'More like "I walked in on him while he was shirtless and I figured it out,"' Kurt explained.

'Oh, okay. Wow. That's- not ideal. What did you do?'

'I took off.' Kurt sighed. 'I mean, what was I supposed to say? I was freaked out.'

Trent made a noise in his throat to show that he had heard Kurt's answer, but offered no immediate comment. Kurt bit his lip nervously. While it wasn't a stretch to call Trent a mutual friend, he was still more Blaine's than Kurt's, and Kurt wondered whether Trent was upset with him for reacting the way he did. Should Kurt have been able to just stay and deal with it right away?

'What about now?' Trent asked cautiously. 'Are you still freaked out?'

'Yes!' Kurt said a little more fervently than he meant to. 'I mean, this just happened, what - ' Kurt looked at his watch. ' - less than two hours ago, and I... I'm just so angry and confused, and I'm sad for him, and I'm just- This is just all wrong. I wish he would have just told me.'

Trent didn't reply immediately, and for a minute all Kurt heard was scrambling and then the opening and closing of a door. Kurt guessed that he had moved somewhere more private and, apparently alone now, Trent let out a small sigh before speaking in a quiet voice.

'The thing you have to understand is that there's no "just" about it for him. Being trans is not something Blaine is proud of.'

'He shouldn't be ashamed,' Kurt said. That much he knew. 'It's not like he can help it. It's like being gay, isn't it?'

'Well, yes,' Trent agreed. 'And I'm not saying he is. All I know is that it's not something he wears on his sleeve, and he doesn't like to talk about it. There's a reason I'm the only one at Dalton who knows. Not even all the teachers knew about it. Don't get me wrong, you deserved to know, and I'm not saying he was right to keep it from you for so long. I guess, I'm just saying that it's difficult.'

'See? I don't know about those things.' Kurt sighed deeply and sat down heavily on his bed. 'I don't know what to do. Tell me what to do, Trent.'

There was a brief pause as Trent considered his words.

'Okay, then. Let me ask you this: You're upset that he lied to you – that's understandable. But the fact that he's trans, does that upset you?'

'Yes. No. I don't know. I love him. But I just- I wanted a normal boyfriend.' Kurt winced. 'Sorry, that came out wrong. I just mean that this is... I didn't sign up for this.'

'Neither did he, for what it's worth,' Trent said. 'Difference is, you get to walk away from it.'

Blaine was waiting by Kurt's locker, when Kurt arrived to school the next morning. Kurt had half expected something about Blaine to appear different today; that he wouldn't be able to keep himself from picking up on all the clues that revealed the biology Blaine was trying to escape. Instead there was just Blaine as he had always been. Kurt smiled softly when he reached him.

'Hey. I was going to come find you.' Blaine gave a small nod in response.

'We need to talk,' he said, a steely, determined look about him.

'I think we do.' Kurt followed as Blaine turned and led the way to an empty classroom down the hall. Once inside Blaine leaned against the teacher's desk, while Kurt sat at a front row desk. Blaine took a deep breath and launched into speech.

'Okay. First we should probably make sure that we're on the same page here.' Kurt just nodded his agreement. 'So basically what you saw last night were my, well,breasts.' Blaine spat the word out with obvious distaste. 'And the reason I have those is that I was born into a female shape. I'm male, always have been. I'm not "really a girl" or anything like that. I'm male in here.' He touched a finger to his temple. 'But my body doesn't agree with me, and it took me a while to figure things out. That I'm trans. Transgender.'

'Okay. I understand,' Kurt said quietly. There was nothing in what Blaine said that Kurt hadn't figured out on his own last night, but hearing him say it out loud was still a little overwhelming. It was the final confirmation that this was happening; that what had happened last night was real and not just some really strange and vivid dream that Kurt had confused for reality.

'And with that out of the way: I'm sorry,' Blaine went on, looking straight at Kurt, still that determined look in his eye. 'You shouldn't have found out like that. I really was going to tell you today, believe it or not, and I know that doesn't make it better, cause I should have told you a long time ago, but I was just so scared that you would leave me, and I just- I just- I screwed everything up, Kurt.' Blaine paused to take a breath. He looked away for a moment before continuing, and Kurt could hear him struggling to keep his voice level. 'I understand if you hate me. Or if it's too much for you. Or, I dunno, not enough? I want you to know that I understand that, and I'm setting you free, so you don't have to say it. The only thing I ask is that you please don't tell anyone what happened. Make up a lie, tell them I cheated on you, tell them whatever you want. Just don't tell them about this, cause I just- I can't deal with everyone knowing.'

Blaine finished talking, and for a long moment Kurt just watched him. Then he stood up and walked around the desk, moving to stand right in front of Blaine, who crossed his arms uncomfortably and didn't look at Kurt.

'I'm not going to tell anyone,' he said. 'And we're not breaking up.'

'We're not?' Blaine blurted, twisting his neck to look up at Kurt, his eyes wide with surprise and uncertainty.

'Not unless you want to?' Kurt lips quirked in a careful smile.

'No! Of course not. No,' Blaine said, straightening up, speaking in fractured sentences as he continued. 'I- I wanted to hope, I did, but I didn't think- I thought you wouldn't want- And I lied to you.'

'I won't lie, I spent a lot of time last night being angry with you,' Kurt confessed. 'I get that it must be difficult, I do, but you still should have told me, and I'm honestly hurt that you didn't. But damn it, Blaine, you're in my heart now, and I couldn't walk away even if I wanted to.'

'But what about...?' Blaine swallowed.

'Not a deal breaker.' Kurt took Blaine's hand in his, caressing softly with his thumb. 'You're a guy, and I love you. That's all that matters.' Kurt shrugged. 'The rest is just sex, and we'll figure that out if and when you're ready, okay?'

'Okay.' Blaine nodded, and they leaned in at the same time, their lips meeting in a brief kiss. Blaine's eyes were glassy when they pulled apart. 'I love you so much.'

Kurt smiled. 'Tell me about it. Just no more secrets, alright? From now on we talk about stuff.'

'Are you sure about that?' Blaine asked, mock serious. 'Because, I mean, that could make birthdays and Christmases very boring.'

'Jerk.' Kurt snorted and punched Blaine lightly in the shoulder. 'You know what I mean.'

'Well, excuse me for trying to lighten the mood,' Blaine said with a grin just as the bell rang, which prompted him to make a frustrated noise. 'Can we pretend that didn't happen? I kind of want to just stay here.'

'"Kind of" being the operative word. We both know hell's gonna freeze over before you skip a class,' Kurt teased prodding Blaine lightly with a finger, before pulling him towards the door by the hand. When they reached it, however, he stopped and turned to Blaine, his expression serious again. 'Yours after school? I want to know your story. If you'll let me.'

'Of course.' Blaine nodded, though he looked a little uncertain.

'Don't worry. We'll be okay.' Kurt squeezed Blaine's hand reassuringly, and as they parted ways to go to different classes, Kurt just hoped he was right.

He was sure he had made the right decision in staying with Blaine – his heart told him as much – and Kurt was going to do everything in his power to make things work. This was all so sudden though, and Kurt was a little – okay a lot – overwhelmed. He hadn't exactly been prepared for a situation like this, and if he was still a somewhat apprehensive about the situation, that was to be expected, right?

It wasn't the sex part of Blaine being transgender that worried Kurt the most. That might take some getting used to, but Kurt figured he could deal with it, because whatever he looked like, Blaine was still Blaine, and he was more than a set of body parts. What really worried Kurt was the hurt and the fear he thought he could trace in his boyfriend's eyes. It was clear that Blaine's gender identity came attached to issues and demons, that Kurt might never fully understand, and while he wanted to be the one to help Blaine, what if he just couldn't? Or if he made everything worse? And Kurt didn't have anyone to talk to about it, because no one else knew.

Except Trent, Kurt recalled. He at least seemed to know what he was talking about. During Kurt's brief time as a Warbler, Trent hadn't been among those Kurt spoke to the most – not out of any sort of dislike, but simply because Kurt happened to click better with other people, and he and Trent hadn't shared any classes. However, Kurt had a feeling that the two of them were about to get very well acquainted.

After their last lesson of the day, Kurt met up with Blaine by the latter's locker, and they both kind of wanted to just go straight home, but with Cooper around and with Sectionals coming up in less than two weeks, they agreed that skipping glee rehearsal wasn't really an option, no matter how much they wanted to be in their own world right now.

The hallways being mostly deserted this late in the day, they walked hand in hand to the choir room, where half the club was already gathered along with Mr. Schue and Cooper. When he saw them enter, Cooper turned to them, a worried look on his face. As they came to a halt in front of him, he eyed their joined hands and looked from one boy to the other, before his gaze settled on Kurt.

'Good?' Cooper asked simply. Kurt smiled and squeezed Blaine's hand.

'Good,' he confirmed.

The next thing Kurt knew, Cooper had charged forward and pulled him into a warm hug, catching Kurt off guard and murmuring into his ear, 'I'm glad I was right about you.'