Part two

Kurt was sitting on his bed with a book in his lap, fighting his way through his English homework, when he felt his phone vibrate next to him. He picked it up and smiled when he saw the familiar photo of Blaine grinning up at him.

'Hello, handsome,' he greeted his boyfriend with just a hint of flirtation in his voice.

'Kurt,' the voice on the other end choked out, and though Kurt recognized it as Blaine's, it sounded nothing like his boyfriend. Kurt's smile disappeared in an instant, and he sat up straight, tense and alert.

'Blaine? What's wrong?'

'Nothing,' Blaine said quickly but then he added in a weak voice, 'Everything.'

'What happened?' Kurt was already on his feet and moving around the room, his heart beating painfully hard in his chest. He opened his closet and picked out a pair of shoes, past caring if they went with his outfit, his only concern that they were easy to put on. 'Blaine, honey, talk to me.'

'Nothing happened. Not really. It's just- I can't make it stop.' Blaine sniffed before letting out a shaky breath, and Kurt's heart ached to hear him like this. How long had Blaine been by himself with this – whatever "this" was – while Kurt had gone about his day without a care in the world beyond God, Shakespeare is boring?

'Are you alone?' Kurt asked, his voice tight and worried, as he grabbed his bag and hurried downstairs. 'Is your mom home?'

'She went to work. I can't disturb her. Her work is important.' It scared Kurt just how empty Blaine's voice sounded.

'Blaine, you're important,' Kurt said sternly as he threw on his coat, but Blaine just laughed hollowly. Kurt's eyebrows shot up. 'I'm coming over.'

'No, you don't have to. Just hearing your voice helps,' Blaine said quickly. 'You're probably busy.'

'Don't be silly. I'm coming over.' Kurt swallowed. He really didn't like the way Blaine sounded. It was beyond just sad or upset. He sounded broken. 'I'll be right there. Just- don't do anything.'

Kurt wasn't sure where the last three words came from. He didn't really believe that Blaine would hurt himself. Did he? Kurt shook his head in an attempt to clear his mind. He didn't know what he believed right now. All he knew was that his Blaine was alone and in pain.

'Okay. I won't.' Blaine's voice was barely more than a whisper, and Kurt bit his lip before hanging up and calling over his shoulder to whatever family member might be near that he was going out for a while. When he opened the door to hurry out to his car, he almost ran straight into the mailman who turned out to have a package for him. Kurt couldn't remember what he had ordered lately, but accepted the package distractedly and brought it along with him in the car.

The distance from his own house to Blaine's had never felt longer. The roads seemed endless and every red light had Kurt on pins and needles. Was this something Kurt should have seen coming? Blaine had seemed down the previous night, but Kurt had been so pleased to hear him talk in more detail about the way he experienced sex and what he wanted. Their first conversation two weeks previously had been extremely superficial – Blaine's contribution having consisted mainly of clarifying that no parts of his body should be referenced in female terms, declaring that touching his chest was a big no-no, and explaining that as far as he was concerned, he only had the one hole down there – so Kurt had taken this new burst of talking from Blaine as a step in the right direction.

What if Blaine felt that Kurt had pushed him there? Kurt was trying so hard to find a balance between I really want to have sex with you and We can wait as long as you want to make sure that Blaine knew that Kurt wanted him while also respecting his boundaries, but sometimes it was hard to know when to push and when to hold back.

Kurt desperately hoped that he wasn't making things worse for Blaine.

When Kurt finally made it to Blaine's house, he let himself in with the key that the Andersons kept under one of the potted plants on the front porch, before taking the stairs two steps at a time and hurrying down the hall to Blaine's bedroom.

Blaine was sitting completely still on the floor with his back against the bed, hugging his knees against his chest and his face buried in his arms. He was dressed only in sweats and a t-shirt, and his hair was damp and unstyled.

'Blaine...' Kurt uttered, heartbroken at the sight in front of him, rushing forward and dropping his bag and keys carelessly on the floor as he crouched down in front of the smaller boy. He tugged a little on Blaine's arms. 'Blaine, look at me.'

Blaine only tightened his grip around his knees, before a muffled 'Can't,' reached Kurt's ears, and Kurt got the strangest feeling that Blaine was somehow ashamed. Kurt swallowed, wishing he had thought to educate himself on how to deal with moments like this. He should have called Trent on the way over. Or Cooper. Or anyone. He felt completely out of his depth. What was the right approach? Kurt didn't like to force Blaine to do something he didn't want to, but neither did he like what was happening now. In the end Kurt sat down next to Blaine.

'Come here,' he urged softly, patting his lap and tugging on Blaine's right arm. 'You don't have to look at me.' Slowly Blaine relaxed his grip and tipped his head into Kurt's lap, lying on his side, facing the door. He breathed out slowly, but he still felt tense when Kurt rested one hand on Blaine's bare arm while the other tangled in his damp curls. 'What can I do?'

'Just... keep doing what you're doing.' Blaine's voice was hoarse and ragged, as though he hadn't spoken for days. He coughed once to clear his throat. 'Just be there. Don't go away.'

Kurt squeezed reassuringly around Blaine's arm. 'I won't. Never.'

They sat in silence for a while, Blaine not talking and Kurt deciding not to try and force him. Kurt took the time to look around the room, only now noticing that the room was a bit of a mess; the mirror that usually hung over the dresser stood leaned against it now, clothes were strewn across the floor, and a foot or so away from Kurt lay an open photo album. Kurt stretched to pull it closer and glanced at the photos, all of a dark-haired girl around ten years old. Despite the smile on her face, Kurt thought there was something sad about her.

'Who's this?' he asked softly. 'In the photos.'

'That's me,' Blaine mumbled. 'Her.'

Kurt took a second to process what Blaine was saying and realize that he was looking at childhood photos of Blaine – or "Amber" as the captions read. He mulled the thought over for a moment, before surprising himself by not finding it more off-putting than he did. Not that he really knew how to respond. The only thing his brain would come up with was You made a cute girl, because he had, but it seemed like rather an insensitive thing to say.

'I was trying to find it,' Blaine went on. 'Where I lost my way. Turned into this. Wrong.'

'Well, you're not going to find it,' Kurt replied without even thinking.

'I know,' Blaine said in a hollow voice. 'I didn't turn wrong. I always was.'

'No,' Kurt said firmly, and this time he did force Blaine to turn and look up at him. Kurt stared into those hazel eyes and he wanted to cry and look away from the sheer emptiness there, but he forced himself not to. 'You never were.'

Blaine held Kurt's gaze, his eyes puffy and bloodshot, but he sent Kurt a smile that seemed genuine, if a little weak. Kurt stroked through Blaine's hair, taking pleasure in the lack of gel that meant he could do that for once and commenting idly, 'You didn't do your hair today.'

Blaine raised a hand to his head as though he was only just now realizing this and his cheeks flushed a little. 'God, I'm sorry. It's terrible, I know. I was just-'

'Shh, stop it.' Kurt placed his hand briefly over Blaine's mouth to make him stop talking. 'Why do you do that? Put yourself down all the time?'

Blaine opened and closed his mouth a few times, before he found words. 'I- I don't- Not all the time.' He closed his eyes for a moment. 'I don't know. Habit?'

'Well, stop it,' Kurt scolded. 'I like your hair.'

Blaine's smile this time was almost a grin, and it lit up his entire face, his eyes once again alive and dancing and Blaine. The tight feeling in Kurt's chest, the one that had taken hold and been building since Blaine's first broken word to him over the phone, lessened and Kurt finally felt like he could breathe again.

He smiled softly down at Blaine. 'There he is.'

From there it was almost easy. As Kurt chatted about this and that, Blaine listened and responded, his contributions perhaps fewer and a bit more muted than under normal circumstances, but gradually the tension in his body subsided until it felt almost like any other afternoon of warm snuggles.

'Okay, let's get you up,' Kurt said finally, patting Blaine's stomach. Blaine, however, curled around on his side and gripped Kurt's shirt tightly.

'No, don't wanna,' he whined. 'You make such a comfy pillow.'

Kurt laughed. 'You really are feeling better, aren't you?'

'No, I'm sad and depressed,' Blaine pouted, but his lips quirked and Kurt could tell that a smile was threatening to erupt. 'So you have to do as I say.'

Kurt pretended to consider Blaine's words. 'Hm... Sure you're not just taking advantage now?'

'What? Me? Never.' Blaine stuck out his bottom lip in a dramatic pout.

'Ri-ight.' Kurt trailed a finger down Blaine's bare arm. Kurt could play dirty too. 'Just like I'd never do this,' Kurt said as he brought his fingers to Blaine's ribs, making Blaine yelp and practically leap into the air.

'Okay, I'm up. I'm up!'

Kurt smirked as he, too, stood up. 'Thought so.' They looked at each for a moment or two before Kurt's expression turned serious and he stepped closer to Blaine. 'You are okay though, right?'

Blaine nodded and kept his tone cheerful as he responded. 'Yeah, I'm fine. I'm sorry if I scared you. It doesn't usually get this bad, I swear. I don't usually get this... helpless.'

Blaine gave an awkward half-shrug before he moved past Kurt and picked up the photo album from the floor. Kurt watched quietly as Blaine collected the other one from the bed and placed them both neatly on the desk, before picking up the clothes that were spread across the floor, his movements swift and sure.

'Can you tell me what happened?' Kurt asked and Blaine stopped in his tracks, his shoulders visibly slumping. Kurt imagined that Blaine would still be feeling somewhat raw and vulnerable, and he realized that Blaine probably wouldn't want talk about it, but neither could they just go back to normal as though nothing had happened. Kurt still didn't really know what had actually happened. He felt rather like he had walked into the climax of a movie without knowing the details of the story.

Blaine was still facing away from Kurt when he replied. 'I don't know. Nothing big.' He paused, before correcting himself, 'Nothing unexpected. Just stupid relatives catching me off guard.'

'What did they do now?' Kurt demanded, feeling anger rise in his chest. Some people really needed the If you don't have anything nice to say mantra drilled into their heads.

Blaine sighed, clearly too tired to get upset about it again. 'Nothing. Just the usual. It wasn't even anything compared to what happened at Thanksgiving. For some reason it just hit me harder today.' Before Kurt could process Blaine's words, let alone think of a response, Blaine grabbed the mirror by the dresser, asking, 'Can you help me with this?'

Kurt opened his mouth to speak, but found that he didn't know what to say, so instead he just stepped forward and grabbed the other end of the mirror, and for a minute they struggled in silence to get it back on the wall. It only just occurred to Kurt then what Blaine might have been doing with it, and the thought made him suddenly intensely sad.

Once the mirror hung safely on the wall, Kurt turned to Blaine and regarded him for a moment, head cocked thoughtfully. 'Do you ever wonder where it comes from? All of it.'

'You mean why I couldn't just be a girl?' Blaine asked quietly.

'Well. Yes.'

Blaine looked at Kurt for a long moment before turning to the dresser, apparently looking for something to wear, and Kurt was starting to think that Blaine was simply going to ignore the question, when he finally spoke. 'I used to make myself crazy thinking about it. Wondering if things might have turned out differently somehow.' Blaine turned away with a stack of clothes in his hands, pulling off his t-shirt and sweats, and began to get dressed. 'There are plenty of theories of course, but no one knows for sure what causes it. In the end it doesn't really matter. It's not like I can change it.'

Blaine turned back around and rummaged through a dresser drawer, still only clad in underwear and binder, and Kurt marveled for a second at how much more comfortable Blaine seemed around him now compared to a mere week ago.

'Would you?' The words tumbled out before Kurt could wonder if the question was inappropriate, and Blaine looked at Kurt in question, idly fixing his packer into his briefs. 'I mean, if they found a "cure" tomorrow, something that could make you cis, would you take it?'

Blaine frowned. 'That depends. Cis male? Yes. Cis female?' Blaine looked thoughtful as he pulled on his pants. 'I don't know. I feel like that would fundamentally change who I am, and I don't like the idea of that. Besides...' Blaine smiled warmly. 'Then I wouldn't have you, would I?'

'True.' Kurt returned the smile playfully. 'I am a lot to lose.' Blaine grinned and Kurt sat down on the bed, letting Blaine finish getting dressed in silence, only speaking again when Blaine was fixing his bow tie in the mirror. 'Do you think it's ever going to stop? The dysphoria.'

'Someone has a lot of questions today,' Blaine replied, lifting an eyebrow.

'Sorry, I can stop if it makes you uncomfortable,' Kurt said quickly. 'It's just, I still feel like I have so much to learn.'

'I'm not a science project, Kurt,' Blaine said evenly as he turned around.

'I know. I didn't mean it like that.' Kurt bit his lip as he felt himself getting nervous, and he blurted out the next sentence. 'I just really want to do this as perfectly as I can. I don't wanna be the one to make things worse for you, you know? So... I ask questions.'

Blaine's expression softened and he smiled in that fond way he sometimes did when he thought Kurt was being adorable and a little bit silly. He kneeled in front of Kurt so they were on the same eye level and he rested his hands on Kurt's thighs. 'I know. But it's only been three weeks, and you're doing fine, Kurt. More than fine.'

'Really?' Kurt said before he could stop himself. He had kept a calm exterior for Blaine's sake, but Kurt rather felt like he had stumbled his way through the last few weeks, never sure if what he did or said was the right thing.

'Really.' Blaine smiled warmly and it was remarkable how this was the same boy who Kurt had just been comforting. While Kurt had both seen and felt the change as Blaine let go of his... issues (Dysphoria? Sadness? Depression?), he suspected that at least part of Blaine's current cheer was an act – not for Kurt, but for himself. Blaine leaned in for a brief kiss before joining Kurt on the bed. 'Anyway, to answer your question. I think it gets less and less in time. And getting top surgery's gonna help a lot. Whenever that'll be,' he added with just a hint of bitterness.

'Your parents still not keen on the idea?' Kurt asked sympathetically, and Blaine shook his head.

'My dad apparently thinks I'm going to regret it, or he has some sort of moral objection to cosmetic surgery.'

Kurt frowned. 'That's simplifying it a little, isn't it? Calling is "cosmetic".'

Blaine laughed humorlessly. 'Yeah, try telling him that. Listen,' he said, his tone getting brighter as he stood up again and bounced on the balls of his feet. 'What do you say we go somewhere? Maybe go to the movies or something? I'm kinda sick of this room by now.'

'Sure, just-' Kurt looked at Blaine for a long moment while he worried his lip, wondering if now was the time and how to even articulate what he wanted to say. 'Can I say something first?'

'Okay...' Blaine flopped back down on the bed, looking questioningly at Kurt. 'What is it? You look serious.'

'No, it's not,' Kurt assured him quickly. 'Well, it is. Serious. But not serious serious. Just serious.' Blaine raised his eyebrows in amusement. Great, Kurt was already fumbling his words. Didn't this just bode well? Kurt took a deep breath. This didn't have to be awkward. 'It's about sex. Is that okay?'

Blaine's expression darkened the tiniest bit, but he nodded all the same. 'Sure, go ahead.'

'It's... the whole top/bottom thing.' Kurt paused, but Blaine had no discernible reaction, so he plunged on. 'The thing is when you mentioned yesterday that you wanted to bottom, I was confused at first. Not-' Kurt hurried to add. 'Not because you're trans or anything like that. I figure gender doesn't really have lot to do with sex or sexuality, does it?'

Blaine nodded. 'No, I mean yeah, that's right.'

Heartened, Kurt continued. 'It's more that whenever we do stuff, you seem to prefer kind of... being in charge. Maybe that's a simplified way of looking at it, but I just sort of assumed you'd want to top, so I was a little thrown by that.' Blaine's eyes widened and his mouth fell open a little as though he wanted to say something but didn't know what. 'Not in a bad way. At all,' Kurt added, feeling too embarrassed to say what he really meant. Yes, I would very much love to fuck you. 'I was just surprised. But I've been thinking, and I think I understand now. The control. It's not that you want it necessarily. It's that you need it in order to handle things.'

Kurt looked to Blaine for confirmation, and Blaine nodded nervously. He looked rather like a deer caught in the headlights. 'Is this the point where you ask me to give it up?' Blaine asked quietly. 'To just let go?'

'No,' Kurt said softly. 'I mean, it makes me a little sad if it's not actually what you want. But,' Kurt stressed. 'I'm not going to force or pressure you to do something you're not ready for. That wasn't where I was going at all. If you feel like you need to be in control – to be the more... active one of us, then I'm going to let you. Until you're ready not to be.'

'O-kay...Thank you?' Blaine said slowly. 'Why do I feel like there's more coming?'

'I thought maybe you'd like to try topping,' Kurt said, tripping over his words slightly.

Blaine stared at him for a long hard moment. 'No, I'd love to, but... well, I can't, can I? Not without...' Blaine made a vague gesture towards his crotch.

'Right. That's where this comes in.' Kurt slid off the bed and picked up his messenger bag from the floor, fishing out the package he had received just before leaving home and handing it to Blaine, who took it warily. 'I was going to give it to you for Christmas, but uhm... it's probably better not opened in front of your family, anyway.'

Blaine laughed nervously. 'What is this, a sex toy or something?'

'Yes. And no.' Blaine lifted an eyebrow. 'Just open it, Blaine.'

'Okay, then,' Blaine said and did as asked, struggling with the copious amounts of tape for a while before he was finally able to pull open the box and look at its contents. His expression was unreadable as he held up a small bag in black fabric bearing the wordsPeecock Products.

'It's a three-in-one kind of a thing. "Pee, pack and play,"' Kurt explained when Blaine pulled out the item, staring at it. Kurt watched him anxiously, hoping that his gift wasn't offensive somehow. 'I thought you might want to give the STP thing a chance. This one's supposed to be really good. But if it's not, it's also a regular packer, and it comes with a harness and a rod thingy-' Kurt fumbled through the small mess on the bed and held up a plastic see-through rod the same length as the shaft. '– to make it hard, which means we can use it in the bedroom. I mean, if you want. We don't have to of course, but I ordered it earlier this week when I thought you'd be topping, but maybe you'd like to try it anyway? Maybe it could help somehow?' Kurt was rambling nervously now, his words coming fast and breathlessly. Blaine still hadn't said anything. 'And I heard that it's good for a top to try bottoming, so it might even help me for when – if – you're ready to let go. I don't know, tell me if I'm way off base here. I just thought-'

Kurt swallowed the rest of his sentence when Blaine held a finger to his lips and smiled at him. 'Thank you,' he said as he pulled Kurt in for a hug. 'I'd love to try that sometime.' He turned his attention to the items on the bed, sifting through the papers with interest, scanning through the notes on proper use and cleaning. When he got to the receipt, however, his face fell. 'Kurt.'

'Give me that.' Kurt yanked the piece of paper out of Blaine's hand. 'You weren't supposed to see that.'

'But you can't- That's a lot of money, Kurt. I can't afford something like that.'

'That's why it's called a gift, Blaine,' Kurt told him as he stuffed the receipt into his bag.

'I know, but what I got you-'

'I know what you meant. And don't worry about it, okay? In a way it's kind of for the both of us, isn't it?' Blaine smiled incredulously, shaking his head a little. 'Anyway,' Kurt said standing up and pulling Blaine with him. 'Come on. I believe you said something about a movie? And unless I'm mistaken there's a bag of popcorn and a large can of soda with our name on it. I'll even let you pay if it makes you feel better.'