Part four

After New Directions had – as per Cooper's prediction – won the competition, Cooper, having just a few hours left before he had to leave town again (for real this time), invited Blaine and Kurt out for lunch. Although part of Blaine wanted to blow it off and head straight back to Kurt's house (which Kurt had pointedly told Blaine would be empty until the morning) they agreed.

'So was I right or was I right?' Cooper beamed, when they had all settled into a booth at Breadstix. He was obviously in high spirits. 'In. The. Bag.'

Blaine grinned. 'Yeah. All your hard work really did pay off.'

'Like I knew it would, little brother. I don't invest my time in losers, you know.' He winked at them, and Blaine shared a look with Kurt, whom Blaine had quickly filled in about the conversation he and Cooper had had.

As they ate, the conversation circled mostly around the competition; the judges (laughing at the fact that one of them was an actual judge and whether that had been intentional or not), the opposing teams (The Unitards had been much less of a joke than the name suggested, and The Trouble Tones were no laughing matter either) and finally their own performance. It felt odd to Blaine having Cooper praise his work without following it up with a cascade of criticism, and Blaine thought Cooper might be overdoing it slightly, but he appreciated the gesture nonetheless.

'Anyway, I'd best be going now,' Cooper said finally when they had all finished eating.

Kurt chuckled. 'Yeah, you don't want to miss your flight. Again.'

'That would be tragic,' Cooper agreed. 'I'm sure LA misses me terribly by now, and I have, like, thirty desperate messages from my agent. But actually my flight isn't until eight.' He paused, and Blaine looked questioningly at him. 'I meant I have to go so you guys can feel free to go have sex.'

Blaine nearly choked on his drink and across from him, Kurt's mouth fell open. 'What?' Blaine sputtered, looking around the restaurant and checking to see if anyone was listening.

'Come on, don't deny it,' Cooper said calmly and emptied his glass. 'You've been sending each other lustful glances for the past hour, and been pretty obvious about it too.'

Blaine felt his cheeks burn in embarrassment – had they really been that obvious? Similarly, Kurt's face was growing steadily redder as Kurt busied himself with testing and contemplating the bendy nature of his straw.

Cooper went on, 'It's been fun torturing you guys, but I think I'll spend the last few hours at the airport.' He pulled out his wallet and placed a few bills on the table, more than enough to pay for all three meals, before sliding out of the booth and standing up. 'Have fun. But, you know, be safe and responsible and all that. See you at Christmas.' And with a smile and the barest hint of a smirk playing on his lips, Cooper turned around and was out of there, leaving both boys gaping after him.

'Well, he certainly knows how to make an exit,' Kurt managed to say.

'Yeah...' Blaine trailed off and quirked a suggestive eyebrow at Kurt, deciding that it was no use feeling embarrassed now that Cooper wasn't even here anymore. 'He wasn't wrong though,' he said in a low voice, and Kurt smirked in response.

'My house?'

Blaine nodded. 'Your house.'

Barely more than fifteen minutes later the front door of the Hummel-Hudson residence slammed shut behind them, and they were alone and in private at last. Blaine immediately rounded on Kurt, nearly shoving him against the door and planting a hungry kiss on his lips, wasting no time before pushing his tongue past Kurt's lips and deepening the kiss.

'Someone's eager.' Kurt smiled when they parted after a few moments, his breath warm against Blaine's lips.

'Well, excuse me. I've been wanting to do that since this morning,' Blaine said as he kicked off his shoes and hung his coat quickly.

'Then by all means, let's keep going,' Kurt said, following suit and shedding his own shoes and coat. 'Bedroom?' He held out a hand to Blaine, who took it eagerly.

'Definitely.'

Once inside Kurt's bedroom, however, with the door closed behind them (just in case), Blaine felt suddenly nervous and a little bit shy. Kissing passionately against the front door was all well and good, but a bedroom was a lot more suggestive, and it took Blaine's brain a few moments to catch up and disregard old instincts; to remember that this kind of intimacy was alright now – wanted even.

Then Kurt was standing in front of him and, without Blaine having to say anything, he took Blaine's hand in his, smiling sweetly and waiting patiently until the moment passed. Finally after what felt like minutes but was probably only a few seconds, Blaine swallowed and nodded once, letting Kurt lead him to the bed. Before long they were wrapped in each other's arms, limbs tangled together and tasting each other's lips as they traded slow and passionate kisses. Shirts were removed much less dramatically than the day before and when Blaine moved his hand between Kurt's legs and began palming him through his jeans, it felt like something he had been doing forever, while at the same time feeling so obviously fresh and exciting. Kurt's movements and the way his body responded to Blaine's touch were unpredictable but never surprising, and the noises he had Kurt making were brand new and intriguing but still so fundamentally Kurt.

When Blaine asked for permission to remove Kurt's pants, Kurt simply looked at Blaine through dazed eyes and nodded dumbly. Actually getting them off, however, turned out to be no small task, because Kurt's pants were tight, a fact Blaine usually appreciated as they didn't leave much to the imagination, and Kurt was very well shaped indeed. But now, as he tugged and tugged, Blaine felt more like crying in frustration and, feeling Kurt's eyes on him, watching his struggle, Blaine looked up to see his boyfriend's lips curled in amusement.

'It's not funny,' Blaine said, sticking out his bottom lip in a pout, but losing the fight to keep a straight face himself. 'It's supposed to be sexy. Or something.'

'Plenty of time for that,' Kurt said as he took matters into his own hands and peeled his pants off as easily as if they had been sweats.

Blaine gaped. 'How- how did you just do that?'

'Practice, honey,' Kurt replied with a smile and threw the pants on the floor along with his socks. Blaine caught Kurt's smile in a quick and messy kiss, before he pushed Kurt gently onto his back, kissing and caressing his way down Kurt's body until he reached the only clothed part of him, his growing erection straining beautifully against the black material. Blaine mouthed at it through the thin cotton underwear, grinning when Kurt gasped and rolled his hips in response.

'No more clothes,' Blaine mumbled finally and he hooked his fingers in the waistband of Kurt's briefs and pulled them off, and then Kurt was completely nude beneath him and Blaine almost (almost) swore at the sight. It was glorious. For a while – Blaine couldn't be sure how long – he just lay there, staring reverently and taking in every last detail, almost afraid to touch as if his touch would somehow tarnish the perfection he saw.

'I feel naked,' Kurt whined after a moment.

Blaine leaned over Kurt, resting a hand on either side of his head. 'That's because you are, darling,' he commented and kissed Kurt, nibbling lightly at his bottom lip with his teeth.

When the kiss broke, Kurt looked up at Blaine for long moment, his expression unreadable. He tugged softly at the neck of Blaine's binder, as if to test how tight it was. 'Isn't that uncomfortable?'

'No,' Blaine replied automatically before correcting himself. 'I mean, yes, of course. But it is what it is.'

'Can I see?' Kurt asked cautiously, and it took Blaine a moment to realize what he meant, and when he did, he sat back on the bed, hesitating; unsure. He had never thought this far ahead, and in fact all his fantasies up until now had all featured himself in the active role; always Blaine in control and making Kurt fall apart. The other way around... That was scary. Kurt sat up too and he caressed Blaine's bare arm lightly, drawing small, soothing circles. 'You can say no of course, but... I just want to see you. Will you let me?'

Very slowly, Blaine nodded.

Carefully Kurt reached out and hooked his fingers under the hem that ran just a couple of inches below Blaine's chest. When he began to tug at it, pushing it further and further up his chest, Blaine almost told him to stop, that it was too soon, but he also knew that no matter how long he waited, it was always going to feel like too soon, and he forced himself to stay calm. He raised his arms over his head when it became necessary but lowered them again the moment he was free of the binder, giving Kurt barely a second to see anything before he crossed his arms in front of his now bare chest, covering himself.

'You're not gonna scare me away,' Kurt told him softly but with such conviction in his voice, and god, Blaine wanted so bad to believe him. 'I've already seen, remember? I'm not going anywhere.'

Kurt grabbed each of Blaine's wrists and gently – gently enough that Blaine could have resisted him easily – pried his arms apart until his chest was fully exposed, its appearance now neither completely male nor female. Dark hair spread from Blaine's stomach and sprinkled lightly across his chest, but the shape and the size of it was still unmistakably female in appearance.

'See?' Kurt smiled encouragingly. 'Still here.'

'It's gross.'

'Funny,' Kurt said as he urged Blaine onto his back and straddled his thighs, switching their positions from before. 'Cause from where I'm standing, you've never been more beautiful.'

Blaine, however, barely heard him over the blood rushing in his ears. He swallowed painfully, feeling trapped and claustrophobic under Kurt's weight, even though he knew perfectly well that he wasn't, and he fought hard to gain control of his breathing.

'Blaine, honey?' He heard Kurt's voice above him, pulling him to the surface, and he felt a hand on his cheek, urging him to look up at its owner. 'Relax. You're okay.'

Blaine swallowed again. 'I know, I'm sorry. I'm trying.'

'Do you want to stop?' Kurt asked softly. 'Or put the binder back on?'

'No,' Blaine said firmly. 'No, I can do this. I want to,' he added, cursing himself that he couldn't just be okay when he wanted to, and feeling bad that this was becoming all about him. 'I just need a moment.'

'Tell me what you're scared of,' Kurt urged him. 'Then maybe I can help.'

'I'm not- I don't know. I can't really...' Blaine trailed off, looking into Kurt's calm and caring eyes. 'You're really not freaked?'

Kurt broke their eye contact and looked pointedly at Blaine's chest for several long moments, then back up at Blaine. He laid a hand in the middle of Blaine's chest, the only established safe place in that area for him to touch. 'No,' he said simply.

Almost without Blaine noticing it, his breathing had slowed down and evened out, and Blaine gave a small, almost imperceptible nod, letting Kurt know it was okay to continue. Kurt leaned forward to place a tender kiss on Blaine's lips, and in the process something brushed against Blaine's stomach, and oh, right, Kurt was naked and hard and so so hot. As Kurt kissed his way slowly down Blaine's chest and stomach, Blaine became aware of the heat building low in his stomach and the growing ache between his legs. Not that he could or would do too much about it right now, but it felt kind of nice to know it could happen with Kurt – like his body was giving him permission. Kurt stopped his kissing when he ran out of exposed skin, and his hand brushed across Blaine's stomach, coming rest on the button of his pants.

'Can I?' he asked.

Blaine was breathing heavily again, but unless he counted the throbbing sensation between his legs, it wasn't from discomfort, and he could find no reason to refuse, the protests in his mind only feeble, so he nodded his head slowly.

'Tell me if you need me to stop,' Kurt instructed as he undid the button and pulled down the zipper. Blaine raised his hips to allow Kurt to pull the pants down until they pooled around his ankles, and then Kurt was running a hand across Blaine's still underwear-covered crotch, squeezing slightly. The sight made Blaine's head spin, and it almost didn't matter that it was an illusion. When Kurt reached a hand into his briefs, Blaine's heart skipped a beat and he almost yelped, but all Kurt did was remove the packer and put it aside on the night table, before turning his attention to Blaine once more. His hands rested on Blaine's hips, fingers stroking soft skin lightly, and he looked up, his eyes meeting Blaine's, silently asking for permission, which Blaine gave with a careful smile, though he couldn't help the small gasp that escaped his lips, when Kurt pulled down his last bit of protection, and Blaine was finally completely exposed.

There was silence for a moment as they both seemed to adjust to the situation. No matter what Kurt said, it had to be strange for him as well, and Blaine could see him trying not to stare. Blaine's hormone treatment had caused things to grow, which meant that he no longer looked completely female down there, but it was still a far cry from anything Kurt might have imagined when they first got together.

'Just... don't touch, okay?' Blaine said trying to ignore the snide voice in his head that whispered, As if he'd want to. 'I can't- Not yet.'

Kurt just smiled and crawled up beside Blaine and pulled him in for a long, deep kiss. Blaine was vaguely aware that his pants were still pooled around his ankles and tried to shrug them off without breaking the kiss. When Kurt realized what he was doing, however, he scrambled to the foot of the bed to help him, pulling Blaine's pants and underwear all the way off and throwing them on the floor next to his own, which left Blaine in just his socks.

'Well, that's just not sexy,' Kurt said, frowning dramatically, and he proceeded to pull the socks off as well, accidentally brushing a light finger across the underside of Blaine's foot.

'Tickles,' Blaine said, flinching involuntarily and giggling a little.

'Does it now?' There was an evil glint in Kurt's eye and before Blaine could think to snatch his feet back, Kurt had a firm hold on one ankle and started tickling him mercilessly.

'Nonononono,' Blaine gasped as he tried to kick his feet, but Kurt held him down easily.

'No, what?' Kurt teased. 'You're not ticklish?'

'Absolutely not,' Blaine said even as his eyes watered.

'No?' Kurt said, abandoning Blaine's feet to attack his waist instead, and Blaine yelped, rolling instinctively away from Kurt. 'I do believe you're lying.'

Blaine looked over at Kurt, who kept his evil hands to himself for now, instead watching him in amusement. Off guard. Blaine pounced then, flattening Kurt on his back and pinning his wrists to the mattress. He grinned. 'My turn.'

'I'm not ticklish, Blaine,' Kurt said with a tiny roll of his eyes.

'Maybe not,' Blaine admitted as he let go of Kurt's wrists and slid down the length of his body until he had a perfect view of Kurt's semi-hard cock. God, it was gorgeous, and all his to touch. 'But there are other ways to torture you.'

The second Blaine wrapped his hand around Kurt's length, Kurt's hips bucked into the touch and he let out a soft moan. 'Oh.'

Truthfully though, Blaine had no idea what he was doing. He had watched some porn, of course he had, so he wasn't completely in the dark, but he had never thought in detail about what he would do in this situation. However, Kurt's pronounced reactions to Blaine's every touch, coupled with Blaine's own instinct, served as a decent road map, and it wasn't long before Kurt was completely hard and panting.

'If this is torture, I think you're doing it wrong,' he managed to say. 'Not that I'm- uh- complaining.'

Blaine laughed. 'This isn't the torture part, Kurt. This is,' Blaine said and removed his hands from Kurt's body, so the only parts of them that were touching were their legs.

'What? Noooo,' Kurt whined loudly. 'Don't stoooop.' Blaine just smiled and leaned down to pres soft teasing kisses to the inside of Kurt's thighs, while his hands caressed his torso, finding and teasing a nipple. He pointedly avoided paying attention to the part of Kurt that needed it the most, and Kurt whimpered in desperation. 'Please.'

Blaine pretended to not to hear him and continued what he was doing, taking far too much pleasure in Kurt's desperate writhing, until finally, without stopping to warn Kurt, he took pity on him and, by way of licking a long wet stripe up the length of Kurt's shaft, he stopped teasing. He hadn't really planned on doing it, but it suddenly felt like the thing to do, and as Blaine took Kurt fully into his mouth, it seemed that Kurt most definitely agreed with him. His hands were gripping the sheets tightly and his speech had been reduced to incoherent babbling sounds.

Blaine worked him over to the best of his ability, making a mental note of what got the strongest reactions and trying to recreate those movements. Admittedly it was a bit clumsy, and once or twice Blaine had to take a break to process the thought thatholy crap, his boyfriend's dick was in his mouth, how did that happen? Kurt had no objections, however, and before long, his breathing turned sharper and his hand found its way to Blaine's shoulder, patting wildly.

'Blaine, Blaine... I'm gonna... soon,' he managed to get out.

'Yeah?' came Blaine's reply, his own vocabulary a little limited as well, before he sank back down, redoubling his final efforts. He pulled away just as Kurt's orgasm began to wash over him, and Blaine stroked him through it, watching fascinated as Kurt's whole body shuddered and he came with a long groan, spilling all over his stomach.

'That was... wow,' Kurt said once he had come down a little bit.

'Yeah,' Blaine agreed, collapsing next to Kurt on the bed.

'I was about to say thank you, but that sounds a little weird,' Kurt said, chuckling a little. 'But... thank you?'

Blaine laughed and pecked Kurt on the lips. 'Pleasure was all mine, darling.'

'Was it though? I mean, you didn't...' Kurt blushed a little, and Blaine caught on.

'Oh. Well, no,' Blaine admitted. 'But it's fine.'

'Are you sure? It doesn't seem right.' Kurt frowned. 'I want to make you feel good too.'

'I know, me too, but give me time? I don't know how long, but eventually, yes. If you still want. Besides,' Blaine said and smiled, feeling like his problems with his body was maybe not the best topic for post-orgasm pillow talk. 'I just got a bunch of new masturbation material, so I'm good for a while.'

You know that you're not the only kid your age who has issues with their body. Half the kids in your class does in one way or another, and the other half probably just isn't broadcasting it. Sara, for one, has mentioned on more than one occasion that she thought she could stand to lose a bit of weight, and you see her sometimes pressing her hands against her ears in a futile effort to make them stick out less.

It's more than that though – you're not just looking to drop a few pounds. It's that when you look in the mirror, you don't identify at all with what you see. The person who looks out at you from behind lost and sad eyes feels like a costume that you're forced to wear – but at the same time you're painfully aware that's it's not, and the thought makes you want to scream. This is partly by choice, of course, because in order to preserve your sanity, you spent years living in your head as much as you could. The real you is buried and shapeless, and your heart aches as you wonder whether you're ever going to see him, or if you will always feel this dichotomy between what's in your heart and mind and what the mirror shows you.

Except-

You take a step back as the word appears in your mind in large, bold, capitalized letters, and the thought is so intense that you accidentally say it out loud.

'No.'

You won't let that happen. You refuse to let yourself be a victim. If this is really your lot in life, then you are going to fight to be happy, dammit. You're not going to give up now just because the road seems long, and you're going to find a way to live with what you've got until you can start to change it. Like the song says – you're a fighter, and you've had enough. A sudden fire and willpower courses through, making you shiver, and when you look up into the stranger's face, you almost startle, because for a second there that was you looking back. The real you.

You take a step closer to the mirror then, nose nearly touching the glass, and you try to look for it again. It starts with the eyes. It takes a little while – you lose track of how long – but then you blink and there, those are your steely and determined eyes.

And actually, come to think of it, you don't dislike your eyes. You used to be so stuck on how your appearance is so similar to your mother's, while Cooper got your father's looks, but actually you like your own hazel eyes better than Cooper's pale blue ones. And there's your nose. Nothing wrong with your nose. Or your jawline. You cock your head and narrow your eyes a little. And maybe there's nothing wrong with your mouth after all. Heartened, you continue your search, picking out body part after body part, ranging from your arms (which are actually kind of hairy for a supposed girl, and maybe if you started working out more, you could get a bit of definition to them) to your bellybutton (because a bellybutton is a bellybutton and hey, it all counts).

Finally you take a few steps back to look at the whole and oh, there he is, and it's not just a brief flash this time. He stays, second after second, minute after minute, until you're sure that he's sticking around. You're still naked, and there's still a lot you don't like to look at, but the rest of it. That's you. The boy who has been trapped inside for so long.

Blaine.

Later that day Blaine goes to his father and asks him to take him shopping for clothes. Blaine needs new clothes, because baggy jeans and t-shirts just aren't him. Those were choices born out of panic in the face of dresses, skirts, skintight jeans and cute tops. Blaine is something else entirely. He isn't yet sure what, but he's itching to find out. After they leave the mall with five bags full of new clothes, Blaine's father asks if he would like to get his first proper male haircut, and Blaine nods eagerly, so they stop by a barber shop on the way home and ask if they happen to have an opening.

'My son needs a haircut,' Blaine's father says.

When Cooper visits for Easter, Blaine pulls him aside and asks him to help find a binder that will fit. It will be a while still before he can wear it in public, of course, but even just being able to wear it around the house sometimes – to look at his reflection, flat-chested and right – is going to feel amazing. They use Cooper's credit card, and Blaine promises to pay him back, but his brother just waves a dismissive hand and says to consider it a gift – a replacement for all those Christmases and birthdays where Cooper mistakenly got Blaine something girly and useless to him. And in an unusual display of unprovoked affection, Cooper pulls Blaine close, squeezes his shoulder.

'You'll be okay,' he promises.