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I am scared….. Both of us were bare chested and bare backed now. Is it be gay of me to say that I am scared? Well, I am scared. I have never done this before, and I have never even thought about doing this. Im not attracted to Brittany.

At all.

She's not boyish, or guyish or manly, and thats what I like. I look at muscle magazines! I fantasize about kissing boys, I even asked her what boys lips taste like because that is all I could think about while kissing her!

 She doesnt have a boy's voice, she doesnt wear boys' clothes, and she has long hair, and I never thought of wanting a girlfriend. But, now that she is peppering kisses along my body, and my eyes are closed, I dont see that she is a girl. I just feel that it is someone, and it feels nice.

Part of me though felt a little bit guilty, like I am using her because she's making me feel good. This isn't right. As I opened my eyes to try and stop her I noticed.

I didnt realize that her skirt came off. When did she do that? Or her- OH MY GOD!

I mightve lost my erection a little bit seeing the naked lower half of Brittanys body. It wasnt gross or anything, just not... i dunno. All my mind thought of was, vagina and I didnt find it appealing. It just didnt do anything for me. Because I like boys.

Even with me pretending this now, inside, I still like boys and I know that.

"Are you ready to do it?" She whispered in my ear.

I felt like I was shaking. Did she feel me shaking? Surely if she feels that Im nervous, shell stop right?

Right?

But do I want her to stop?

I have no idea. I cant- I cant think straight with her hand palming me bringing my hard on back against my head's better judgement.

This is for my dad.

This is for my dad….

 So I nodded.

She pulled me out of my boxers, and pulled them to my mid thigh.

“Be slow with me please? Im kind of scared.”

Her answer was just a big smile, with her cheeks a bright red that could even be seen in the faint candlelight in this basement.

“I've taken a boys virginity before. I know what to do.” She whispered sultry like before she attached her lips to mine, and sat her warm, midsection over my... warm midsection.

She grabbed my length in her warm and soft hand and pushed it into her… vagina, slowly.

I gasped a stuttered inhale.

This felt so much better than the hand that was just on it... It felt taut, tight, yet not tight enough, and wet.

I cant help but wonder if this is what it feels like to be inside of a guy too. It was probably even tighter.

And at the thought of that, being inside of a guy, I got harder, and let my eyes drift closed.

Use your imagination Kurt….

A warm tight blanket of space was moving up and down, up and down on my length, and it was 60% nice, and 40% uncomfortable.

Uncomfortable not only because her walls are hugging me snugly, and I was aching just a bit at the squeezing around me, but because I know that this isn't right.

What am I doing?

This is a girl that I have no feelings for. I am not attracted to her. I mean sure she's pretty, but that's because she is a nice person. Not because she is a girl.

Brittany started to moan ever so softly, and honestly, I think it kind of turned me off.

Hearing a girl moaning. But still, I kissed her so she wouldnt make any more sounds. One, I'd rather finish this sooner, and 2, I didnt want my dad to come in here. I know he didn't really mean to give me permission to do this. He just didnt think that I would really do anything. And besides, even if he did, I wasnt doing either of the things that he said to.

Use protection, and respect Brittany.

This is actually the COMPLETE opposite of respecting someone.

I feel terrible doing this. I'm terrible and not respecting her at all doing this!

She brought my thoughts to a halt by kissing my bottom lip once fast, and then she breathed heavily. I have to relax………

Without Brittany moaning, and with my eyes shut again, I noticed that it was anybody on top of me again. And not a girl.

At those thoughts consuming my mind again, combined with the tightness around my firm member, I felt warmth in the pit of my stomach. It was pooling in my lower belly, and I felt it.

Oh god, I have to pull out. I panicked a little as I felt it coming out a little and I knew that I had to stop, now!

Right NOW now!

I remember enough basic human life science to know that sperm shouldnt be released inside.

"B- Brittany. Get off, Im- I have to. Im..."

Thankfully, she got what I was trying to say, even though I couldnt form a coherent word with my orgasm hitting me, and she lifted me out of her and then leant her head down to it. She grasped at it and started to pull at it, a little more roughly than before, and too soon, I felt relief, and wet strings of goo all over my stomach and groin.

Britt let my- thing go, and I softened right at the loss of contact. She kissed it and then she sat up next to me.

"Youre really big Kurt. Really big. Its so hot."

Hmm. That's good to know I guess.

And then it hit me.

Holy sweet hell…..

Did I just lose my virginity?

To a girl?

I just had sex with a girl, and... and kind of liked it...?

But….. I was imagining it wasnt a girl the entire time... so, maybe not.

But still…….

Oh my god. I am gay, and I just slept with a girl to make my dad proud of me…….

What did I do…….?

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Blaine's Pov

I love Google. Google kind of knows everything. I'll either be going to McKinley High School in North Lima, or Lima Heights charter school, which is obviously in Lima heights. I was vigorously hoping not to go to the latter. We lived in a very crummy apartment on the edge of West Lima and Lima Heights, aka the ghetto. I am nowhere even close to a racist person. Really I am NOT. But looking outside, I see primarily Hispanic and African American people. My family is Italian with some Filipino thrown in there. As easy as I would find it to be making friends with whoever, my dad is kind of racist. And overly judgmental. Whatever you want to call it. He is a jerk to everybody but more so to people who arent visually some shade of white as we are.

So what concerns me about going to Lima Heights High School is the fact that I would never be able to have any friends that could come over. Friends that I can actually go out and spend time with, super, possibly, if I didn't tell my parent's where I was going. But friends that I can just have in the house, anyone from around here, would never be allowed.

I have friends, but they're pretty much all in Westerville, and with me living here now, I highly doubt they'll be coming around to visit. Not that their racist or judgmental, because Dalton is made up of every color, sexual orientation and personality, but they are realistic about life. And Lima heights, is crimeville.

And they all have very nice cars.

Read between the lines.

I dont have anyone to talk to at home. As I said before, that my dad is a total douche. And my dad is also true old school, conservative in every way, class A, douche. Seriously. When Barack Obama got elected president, my dad did nothing but drink hard alcohol for a month straight. He laid off a bit after a month, but he never fully stopped. And thats when he is the worst to deal with, when he was lightly drinking it. Not so much when he was hammered, because his aiming equilibrium was garbage when he was too drunk. When he'd only had a few beers though, that was when I'm the most afraid of him. He's coherent enough to chase me and win it then. I have to steer clear of my dad when hes drunk if I want to avoid any bruises. When he's hammered, he's useless. But lately, he's drunk all the time. Since losing his job, I basically locked myself in this crappy room, which is why Im so bored.

I used to find solace in staying with my mom because Dad would never put his hands on her violently. But I lost that solace years ago when Mom turned to pills to deal with life at home. She was so sick of cleaning up after my father and his messes from drunken stupor, and so sick of my bullying at school and so sick of my dad's evil mean attitude, that she just stopped working and literally started to stay in bed.

All the time.

Now shes never sober.

She has very few moments where she is lucid as I said, but it's not nonexistent, it's just incredibly rare. The last time that she was, she tried to get ME to go on antidepressants too, about 6 months ago. But Im not depressed. Never have been really. After I got jumped my freshman year, I was pretty sad, but I had reason to be. Even now Im not depressed. Im just bored. I want to go to school so freaking badly. I just wish it would take my dad less time to get up off his butt and get into and enroll me somewhere.

I want so badly to say something to my dad. Just a hint to my dad that I really need to start school. But of course if I did that, he would be all pissed and I would get my ass kicked and then he would absolutely put me into school right after said ass kicking. But then Id have to wear tons of makeup to cover up the marks that he'd be leaving behind and Id really rather start school fresh, clean, and without having anything to hide.

It would suck to be camouflaging the real me for my first day of school.

…………….