This Love Is Not A Victory March

Part Two

Christmas comes to Ohio, with a flurry of snowflakes and lights glistening, glowing oranges and reds and greens in every shop window, twinkling out from houses and wrapped thickly around proudly standing trees in front gardens. The streets are treacherous and the mere thought of stepping outside instils fear into many people, and most shake their head with a vicious fervency when asked to drive in the icy conditions.

The season affects everyone, all of them tangled up in dreams of kisses beneath the mistletoe, a white Christmas, gifts stacked high beneath the tree and chestnuts roasting on an open fire. It seems like, every way Blaine turns, people are singing festive songs, walking happily hand-in-hand, exchanging gifts and embracing beneath the sprigs of mistletoe pinned up across the school. He walks into the choir room one day to find Sugar and Artie singing Baby, It's Cold Outside, flirting shamelessly and chasing each other around the polished piano where Tina's playing the notes for them, and barely makes it to the bathroom before he throws up, slides to the floor by the sinks and cries.

With the Christmas recital coming up for them, every love song is quickly snatched up. Artie and Sugar put their names down for Baby, It's Cold Outside, and Blaine has to make sure to stay out of the choir room when they're rehearsing, because even the familiar opening notes make him feel sick. Unique picks up on All I Want For Christmas Is You, and pulls them all up to dance with her during every practice. Jingle Bell Rock goes to a grinning Sam, and Kitty and Sugar agree to back him up, leaving almost everyone in stitches after every practice with their dancing.

Blaine doesn't take a solo. He doesn't want to. All the songs remind him of happier times, and all that will happen if he stands onstage in front of the school is being heckled and booed, and he can't drag down the festive spirit all his friends are imbibed with by risking that. He'll sing back-up for Unique's opening number, and happily dance and sing during the group numbers, but he won't take his own song.

On the night before the show, Sugar takes them all out to shop and have dinner, paying for the food to everyone's incredible gratitude. It's the perfect occasion for the disorganised members of their group to buy their last-minute Christmas presents, and for those who thought ahead to supplement their gifts with a last few chocolate bars and scented candles. Tina immediately drags Unique and Brittany with her to try on dresses for the famous New Year's Party being hosted by Sam and Finn, courtesy of the Hummel-Hudsons, and Blaine follows the girls into the nearest shop, exploring the cufflinks for his father and brother, already prepared with earrings for his mother and plenty of those annoyingly loud silver bracelets for his sister.

With time on his hands, he's spent time preparing for the festive season, threading baubles for the fresh-smelling tree currently standing proud in the hall back home and glistening with strings of lights, jingling with the tiny bells wrapped around the trunk and decorated with a hundred or more tiny decorations, although the gingerbread they made was all eaten before it even made it to the tree. There's currently a neat stack of wrapped Christmas presents and written cards hidden beneath his bed to keep them from prying eyes, and this is just supplementing things he's picked out throughout the year with a few extras.

Or, at least, that's what he's hoping to do. Instead he finds himself with Brittany's hand like a vice on his arm, being dragged along behind her as she cheerfully declares, "We're going to buy you some new clothes, and it's our Christmas present to you."

"Look, Blaine, I love how you dress and everything, but you can't seriously expect to be able to keep wearing those tight jeans when you're pregnant and getting rounder every day," Tina says airily, already flipping through the racks of clothes.

Blaine sighs heavily and lets them hand clothes to him, stacking up and debating ideas over his head as if he's nothing more than a mannequin, steering him towards the changing rooms and somehow coercing him into trying on every piece of clothing they've picked out for him. When he stands and looks at himself in the mirror, he can see the more pronounced swell of his belly, growing with every passing week, and curves his hand around the small bump, this tangible proof that he has a baby growing within him.

They leave in a chattering throng, all swinging bags full to bursting with presents and new clothes for the festive season. Blaine sits at home that night, staring at the scarf he purchased on a whim, remembering how Kurt had hinted heavily over it for months, and now he had it in his bedroom, ready to be wrapped.

Before he can lose his nerve, he swathes the neatly-folded scarf in star-scattered paper, taping it firmly closed and adding it to the pile waiting to be passed around in school, and mailed to various people around the country.

Brittany's New Year's Eve party is interesting, to say the least. She made it an optional costume party, and is running around dressed as a Christmas bunny, flitting from group to group with fruit punch and bowls of popcorn. Someone brought alcohol, and probably spiked the punch, so Blaine's been sipping the same glass of water all night, perched on the sofa among his tipsy, dancing peers.

Eli's sitting next to him, fidgeting with his tie. Brittany invited him at the last minute with a chirpy declaration of, "The more the merrier!" He's been avoiding alcohol too, and they've been sitting together in awkward silence for much of the night while the beat of the music shakes the house and everyone dances around them, laughing and chattering and spilling drinks.

"One minute until midnight!" someone screeches in the depths of the house, and Blaine sighs heavily as people rush past them. Eli chuckles next to him, and Blaine hears the rustle of the upholstery as the boy shifts closer. When he turns his head, Eli's gazing at him, and the bottom drops out of his stomach.

There's a countdown being screamed out outside, and Blaine wants to get up and join them, get away from how Eli's looking at him, like he feels something.

The way Kurt used to gaze at him. Like he's madly in love.

"Happy New Year!" The cry echoes around the house and the street and the neighbourhood, as people yell and sing and cheer and kiss, fireworks crackling and whistling and going off like gunshots from every side.

Blaine barely registers the feeling of Eli's lips on his, soft and sweet, because all he can think of is that night, that settles hot and needling and awful in the pit of his stomach when he hears the grunts late at night, or when he sees his swelling belly in the mirror and remembers how it came to be.

He pushes Eli away, trying desperately not to cry, and leaves, swiping at his eyes violently with the back of his hand, rushing through the crowds out into the cold of the night, breath hitching as he dodges entwined couples to reach the end of the garden, where it's dark and quiet and beautifully solitary.

"Blaine, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable!" Eli shouts after him, catching up to him as Blaine closes his eyes to stop the tears from rolling down his cheeks. "I just…it's New Year's Eve and I really like you and I'm the father of that baby. I'd really like for us to be in a relationship."

"Eli, I'm sorry, I can't be with you," Blaine says, words hitching with suppressed sobs. "It's not fair to you, you'll always be second best to Kurt. I'm still in love with him, it was always him and you and I was…just a mistake."

He hears the sharp gasp Eli sucks in, knows he's hurt him by voicing aloud what he's been thinking for months. Eli's voice is unsteady as he says, "Fine. But you make sure, if you and him get back together, he knows how lucky he is to have you."

Blaine eventually trails back to the main party, still swollen-eyed from crying alone in the darkness, a long way from the celebrations. His phone starts ringing loudly when he spots Sugar and Tina waving at him, and he pulls it out to answer. "Hello?"

"Happy New Year, Blaine. Did I ever remember to thank you for my Christmas present? Thank you so much, it's so beautiful and I was so happy to see your handwriting on the box. I miss you like crazy."

"I miss you too." Blaine's eyes are welling with tears, and Tina's mouthing something concernedly at her, the movement of her lips veiled by his tears. "I'm glad you liked the present. I saw it when we were picking up some last-minute things and it made me think of you."

"I love it," Kurt says, and Blaine remembers those same words last Christmas, followed quickly by an I love you. "Blaine, I…I've been doing a lot of thinking. And I know you don't want to be with the guy who's the father of your baby. And I'm trying to forgive you, but I just…I'm not there yet."

"It doesn't matter," Blaine breathes, a tear trickling down his cheek. "Kurt, I love you so much."

"I love you too." And with those words, four simple words, eleven letters that could be arranged to mean anything but mean so much like this, Kurt's gone, and Blaine's holding the phone to his heart, smiling incredulously and crying as the celebrations continue around him.

Kurt still loves him.