Kurt tries to push away all of the swirling feelings in his stomach, making him feel sick. He feels too much; anger, guilt, embarrassment and jealousy, even though Kurt won't admit that last one to himself.

Kurt sits on the subway on his way home, biting his lower lip harshly. And he cannot help himself from thinking about it. Why did Blaine tell him he has a date? And why would he even go on a date? Because Kurt thought that the two of them-, no they're just friends, Kurt reminds himself. 

Blaine has all the right in the world to date people, because Kurt has made it very clear to him that the two of them cannot be in a relationship.

So really, Kurt has no reason to be jealous or mad, Kurt thinks.

But still, he feels jealous, and friends shouldn't feel that way. In fact, he should be happy about his friend having a date. Kurt is always happy for Santana when she finds another date or one night stand. So why can't he just be happy for Blaine? Because Blaine deserves love, even if it's not from Kurt.

Even though it should be.

But he doesn't let himself think that.

Kurt bites down his lip harder. He should be happy for Blaine. He is. 

Even though he might be falling for him.

And he doesn't let himself admit that.

Kurt walks home quickly after getting off the Subway. He does not want to spend another second out in the pre-winter air in the city. Because it is getting cold. The leaves on the trees are starting to fall, and Kurt can't even wear most of his fall jackets anymore. Winter is just around the corner, and all Kurt really wants, but doesn't want to admit, is the only thing that could save him from freezing to death this winter; being curled up in Blaine's comforting arms. 

He shakes his head. Blaine is his friend, he reminds himself for the hundred time this day. 

Because being with Blaine might screw things up with his career, and he can't have that. 

He slams the door shut behind him, walking into his apartment.

The taste of blood reaches his tongue as he continues to bite his lip harshly.

Okay, who the hell is he trying to fool? 

He is falling for Blaine more and more every damned day and every inch of his body screams of jealousy when he thinks about that Blaine is going on a date with someone else in a few days. 

Kurt spends most of his week ignoring both Blaine and Santana. Leaving work as quick as possible every day so he can go home and overthink and analyze the shit out of his situation. By the time the next Monday arrives, Kurt is a mess. Because he knows that Blaine had a date the past Friday, and Kurt doesn't want to know what happened, but he still needs to know.

”You look like you haven't slept in a week. Are dark circles under your eyes in style this winter or something?”, Santana shows up beside him as he opens his office door. 

”Not in the mood, Santana.”, Kurt warns in a sigh, not meeting her eyes.

”I'm kidding, Hummel.”, she raises her eyebrows, ”Seriously though, you look like a fucking mess. What happened?”

Santana usually never cares about how anyone else felt or thought about something, but somewhere under that Stone Cold Bitch surface she hides behind, there was a very caring and overprotective  person deep inside of her.

”I'm fine.”, Kurt snorts, placing his bag on his desk.

”So you looking like you haven't slept for days does not have something to do with that Gel Hair Gay went out on a day last Friday?”, she follows him into the office, crossing her arms in front of him.

”No!”, Kurt nearly shouts.

”Really? So if I were to say that the date went great and that they had amazing sex and are now together, you wouldn't be upset?”, she shoots a challenging gaze towards him when the look in his eyes changes.

He feels like he is going to throw up.

”Is that true?”, he says in a shaky breath.

”Nope. I wouldn't know, I just wanted to see your reaction, because judging by it, your little crush on Grandpa Gay is way too deep.”, she sighs towards him, and Kurt knows that she means well and that she cares, but he can still feel the anger bubbling inside of him. 

”You have no right to analyze my love life. I don't care who Blaine dates or has sex with or whatever. We're not together. We're just friends.”, Kurt hisses between his clenched teeth and Santana sighs.

”Yes I have the right to do so, because I am your friend. And I also happen to know very damn well that you do not look at me, your friend, like you look at Blaine, your friend.”, she points out and Kurt really doesn't know what to answer.

This past month she's been doing nothing but telling him how being in a relationship with Blaine will damage his career, but now all of a sudden, she is trying to make him admit that he actually does have feelings for him.

”What do you want me to say, Santana? That I am falling for him like a pathetic teenager falling for  his first love? That I think about him all the damned time? That I felt like I was going to die when he told us he had a date with someone else? Is that what you want me to say?”, Kurt is shouting by now, staring into Santana's with wide, surprised eyes. 

”Because now I've fucking said it. Please leave me alone now.”, he lowers his voice, letting out another shaky breath.

He hears a sharp inhale of air and is about to shove Santana through the door, but then he looks up, meeting a pair of hazel eyes staring back at his own.

Fucking shit.

”I did not plan this, Hummel.”, Santana tries to assure him as she becomes aware of Blaine's presence. 

”Out.”, Kurt breathes, and for once, she does like he says. 

She leaves the room with her lip between her teeth and a concerned glance towards Blaine. 

”Hi.”, he wants to cry at the sound of Blaine's soft voice.

”Do I even have to ask you if you heard our whole conversation?”, Kurt groans, voice cracking up. 

Blaine bites his lip, ”Did you mean it?”

”No.”, Kurt responds way too fast, ”I've already told you, this job means too much to me and I will never let myself screw this up.”

”That wasn't my question.”, Blaine takes two step towards him.

”Did you mean what you said about me?”, he repeats, hazel eyes burning into Kurt's.

”No.”, it comes out as a shaky breath and he tries to take a step back from Blaine, but his body doesn't seem to function. 

”Then look me in the eyes and tell me you don't want me.”, Blaine is just a few inches away now, his hot breath puffing into Kurt's mouth, his hazel eyes locking Kurt's gaze still.

”Tell me you don't want me.”, he repeats and Kurt is pretty sure he can feel his heart in his throat. 

Kurt isn't sure about who closed the space between them, but somehow, they end up with their lips pressing together, even more hungry and desperate than the previous times. Kurt's hands flies up to Blaine's hair, tugging it gently, moaning when he feels another pair of strong hands on his hips. 

”Say it.”, Blaine breaths out between hot, messy kisses, but all Kurt can do is to keep kissing him. 

With their teeth clashing and their noses bumping together, it's not perfect, but it still feels like is. 

Kurt can hear himself breathe out Blaine's name as he feels the other man's tongue on his lower lip again. 

How is it even possible for him to feel like this so fast? To feel so much so fast? Kurt doesn't know, the only thing he knows is that he keeps clinging onto Blaine's body, chasing his lips in a new kiss every second, not getting enough of the taste of Blaine's tongue. 

”Tell me you don't want me, Kurt.”, Blaine repeats again and god, why is he doing this to him?

”This cannot happen.”, Kurt is on the verge of crying by now, fighting back his tears.

”Tell me.”, Blaine is breathing heavily, eyes burning into Kurt's skin.

”Why are you doing this? Don't you get it? I could loose my job because of this-”, he gestures with his hand between them, ”Doesn't that mean anything to you? Wouldn't you care if I lost my job and therefore all my dreams and hopes? Do I mean that little to you?”

”No, Kurt, that's not what I-”

”Because it seems like the only thing you want here is to get into my pants, and that you really do not give a shit about the mess you might cause if you have your way.”, Kurt continues, voice calmer now, eyes staring into Blaine's.

”If I mean anything to you, then back off. Sure, I could say that I want you and that everything around me reminds me of you all the time. About your smile, your eyes and your voice. I could say that. Because that's what I think about when I think of you. It's not just about the sex, like it seems to be about for you.”, Kurt is still not letting Blaine talk, holding the man's tear filled hazel eyes still.

”I care about you. And I wish that you cared enough about me to realize how much I've worked to get this job and how much it means to me. And how devastated and lost I would be if I got fired because of us.”

Kurt has to remind himself to continue to breath regularly as Blaine bites his lip, a single tear running down his cheek.

”It's not like that, I- I care about you, Kurt.”, Blaine finally speaks after a moment of heavy silence is the only thing being heard in the office.

”Then please let it be. Let me be. I can't have this right now.”, Kurt's voice is weak again and he wants to slap himself for wanting to cry.

Because he shouldn't want this.

He should be happy to see Blaine actually listen to him, not trying to kiss him or anything that might damage their careers. He should be happy.

But he isn't.

”I'm sorry but I-”, Blaine starts, but Kurt doesn't let him finish.

”Look, I don't need to hear an apology or an explanation. It's fine. I have to go.”, Kurt sighs, almost rushing out the office with his bag under his arms. Forcing himself to not look back at Blaine's sad face.
Because looking at him again might cause his heart to break.

Or cause him to take back everything he just said, and to throw himself at Blaine.

Like he actually wants to.

The sky is dark as Kurt starts walking home. He has been walking around the city for hours, stopping at a café to work on his laptop, calling some clients. And then he started walking again. He has been watching a few red leafs leave the trees. He has been watching couples in love, walking hand in hand in Central Park. He has been watching tourists, photographing every single corner of the city. From every single angle. And out of those three things, he does not feel like the happy couple in love, showing their love to the world. He does not feel like those tourist, jaws dropping in amazement by the city's beauty, taking numerous of pictures to capture the moment forever. Instead, he feels like the falling leaf. Like he is falling, not to the ground, but maybe to reality. 

Because who was he to think that Blaine would be just another good friend in the city? Just a friend? That Kurt wouldn't develop feelings for him? That Kurt wouldn't reconsider his goals and dreams just for the chance to be with Blaine, even if it's not forever?

Because he has been considering to just drop it all lately. Like the falling leaf. All his hopes and dreams. Because he seems to forget about every single work related goal and dream when he is looking into those burning hazel eyes. He seems to forget everything around him.

Like nothing else matters, and that scares him. And he finally dares to admit that to himself now, after more than a month of denying and lying to himself and to Blaine. 

Because Kurt wants him. He wants all the good parts and the bad parts of Blaine. He wants to get to know him in every single way possible. He wants to know him better than what Blaine does himself. That's all he wants.

But Santana is right, he can't just drop all of his goals, just for the chance of a love that might not even last. He won't do that. He won't let himself. And Blaine doesn't seem to understand that. 

But they're not teenagers anymore, Kurt thinks. If they had met back in high school at a choir competition or something, maybe they would be together by now. Maybe everything would be great, because at that time in his life, love was all he needed. All he ever thought of. Meeting Blaine back then would have been perfect. 

But they're adults now, and there are more things that matters than just love, Kurt has learned. 

He bites his lip hard. He is making the right decision not to give in to his attraction and connection to Blaine.

They can be friends, but nothing more than that, Kurt decides. Because his career is more important to him. So maybe Kurt has finally convinced himself about the right thing to do.

Or maybe not.