Is 40 years old too young to look back on your life with nothing but regret? I need a release; my life has turned out like nothing I would have thought.  Fifteen years ago I looked upon my life with nothing but hopes and dreams and now all I see is regret.  The world used to be filled with possibilities and now I can’t see a single thing worth living every single day for.

Kurt would be so much better off if I just lost all contact with him again and never went to see him.  He might finally get the closure if I told him that I don’t want to be with him and that I stopped loving him a long time ago.  Maybe if I was stronger I could; but I’m not. I’m selfish so I’m going to go back.  I’m going to spread my toxic ways into his life and corrupt it. 

If I could stop myself life would be so much better for him.  He wouldn’t have to risk heart break again and he could love someone who he wouldn’t be scared would hurt him…again.  He could trust this new person, someone who’d appreciate all the love that he had to give.  The love that I took for granted. 

I need to stop myself from making this mistake, I decide.  If I’m not here then I can’t hurt him.  I’ve decided it in that moment that I need to get away; somewhere where I can’t hurt Kurt or Melody anymore.  Before I know what’s going on I’m up on my feet searching through my crappy little apartment for my gun license.  My father made me get it because he thought having it would ‘make me straight’.  It’s safe to say I’m still gay based on the pile of porn DVD’s that have gathered on my bookshelf from over the years.

I find it in a pile of old bills and letters.  It’s dusty having been untouched for so long but it’s exactly what I need in this moment.  I shove it deep inside my pocket then I go to search for my shoes.  They’re by the door so I shove them on quickly before running out of my apartment and down to the street where my car is parked.  I almost slip and fall several times because I’m running there so fast.  But finally I make it to the car.  I jump in a turn the key in the ignition, the car roars to life. 

I head off on the road driving a little faster then usual.  It seems fitting that their really isn’t that much traffic and in a way I’m grateful.  I know where I’m headed and the sooner I get there the better.  It’s still New York City though so it takes me a good 35 minutes to get there. 

All the while my brain is buzzing with thoughts; thoughts that I really don’t want; my conversation with Melody, Kurt’s and Rachel’s Facebook messages, the look of pure terror on Kurt’s face after he hugged me and he knew for sure that I was real.  The look of disappointment and rage Rachel wore the entire time she talked at me.  It was all bouncing around in my brain but each guilt trip pointed me in the same direction.

Finally I pull up to the place.  I park my car along the side walk haphazardly and dash into the store; I’m determined to make it there before it closes.  Luckily I’m on time but not by much.  I walk right up to the counter and cough slightly to get the old man’s attention. 

The man with bright white hair and a bushy gray beard turns around and looks me over.  I feel exposed and I want to cover myself up, retreat back into the whole I’d dug myself into and stay there forever.  Or better yet, I want to go back to high school.  When I was just a teenager in love with my boyfriend and nothing else mattered; oh what I would give to be back in the retched halls of McKinley.

“What can I get you?” he asked me in a firm tone.  I can tell he’s not one to mess around with.  Not that I was planning on causing trouble there anyways, I’ve done enough of that for the people in my life.

“Nosler M48 TGR” I say.  I’m not messing around and I need something that will get the job done.

“Excellent choice, perfect for getting things done in one shot” he says.  His tone his eerie and it’s sort of freaking me out. 

“That’s the plan” I say with a polite no, I’m nothing if not dapper.  That’s one thing that hasn’t changed through all the hell that my life has been over the last fifteen years. 

“License?” he asks.  The piece of paper feels hot in my hands as I remove it from my pocket.  I slide it over the counter and his old wrinkly hands snatch it up quickly; eager to close the shop once I leave.  

Once he inspects it thoroughly and determines that I am in fact Blaine Tony Anderson and I do have my gun license he slides back my piece of paper and I return it to the depths of my jeans pockets.

He removes the gun from its case and hands it to me in exchange for a form of pay.  I give him the cash leaving a little behind as a tip before dashing out the door and back into my awaiting car.  I start driving down the high way  as fast as the speed limits will let me until I get to the forested area I’ve been longing for ever since I got the idea only an hour and a half previously.  I pull my car up next to a tree and turn everything off.  I get my gun from the passenger seat and I hurry into the thick covering of trees. 

I find a spot that I’ve deemed fit and I set my gun on a stump.  It’s cool outside but the temperature is the least of my worries at the moment.  The layers of guilt that have built up around me over the last fifteen years of my life feel heavy.  I calmly get into position and grab my gun.  I know that some people will see my choice of coping outrageous and wrong but to me it is right.  It’s what I need and things will only get better.

Slowly once my shot is lined up clear and square right in the center of pure forehead I pull the trigger and the layers of guilt melt away.