Kurt hated making scenes in public, which was why he waited until they were back at their hotel room to turn on Alex furiously.

“What the hell did you think you were doing?”

Alex seemed startled by his question. He looked at him with wide eyes. “I'm sorry, what do you mean?”

“What do I mean? The way you talked to Blaine! You had no right to say any of those things to him, Alex!” Kurt exclaimed, throwing his arms in the air in frustration.

Alexandre laughed incredulously. “Are you serious right now, mon ange? I had no right to talk to him like that? And who is he to refuse to sign the divorce papers? Who is he to stop us from getting married? Don't you see that he is ruining everything? He's mocking us! He's making us waste our time!”

“He's not okay!” Kurt retorted angrily. “Didn't you see him? He's not okay, Alex!”

“Yeah, what's the deal with that guy? Has he always been an alcoholic, or is this something new? Because I was being honest. I really don't see what you saw in him.” Alex said, sitting casually in the armchair, as if they were discussing table centerpieces.

Kurt ran his hands through his hair. “Why are you being so insensitive?”

“Why are you letting him manipulate you? Don't you see what he's doing? Maybe he's still in love with you, maybe he's still bitter about what happened between you two a decade ago, but for some reason he's getting back at you! He found the perfect way to ruin your life again, Kurt!” Alex replied.

“He's not manipulating me. You don't know him Alex!”

“Well, you don't know him either!” Alexandre exclaimed, clearly getting frustrated. “You haven't seen the guy in ten years, and you can't honestly say he's the same he was when you two were dating! You don't know him now, Kurt. You don't know what he's capable of. He's an alcoholic and drug addict…”

“He's not a drug addict! He has issues, yes, but he's…” Kurt raised his voice, needing to silence Alexandre's words, but his fiancé interrupted.

“Why are you defending him?” He asked, now visibly hurt. “Why is he more important than us? Why do you keep doing this? Why are you sabotaging our wedding?”

“I'm sabotaging our wedding? That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! I've been working my ass off planning that damn wedding for months! You can't tell me I'm trying to ruin it!” Kurt protested, obviously ignoring the other questions.

But Alex wasn't letting him off the hook. “Why is he so important to you? Why is a boy who broke your heart ten years ago more important than the relationship you have now, with the man you are about to marry? What makes you put him ahead of everything else in your life, even though you haven't seen him in so long?”

Kurt groaned, irritated. “Why do you always have to do this? This is completely illogical!”

“It's not! I think it's perfectly logical to feel insecure when your fiancé can't let go of his ex-boyfriend!”

“I just want to help him! He wasn't only my boyfriend, Alex, he was my best friend, too! I can't see him like this!” Kurt was on the verge of the tears. His stress levels were going up and his desperation was up to par. He didn't know how much longer he could keep doing this. “Is it a crime to help someone? How could you walk away from a thing like this?”

Alex ran a hand through his eyes, as if the whole situation exhausted him. “All I'm saying is that he's always been a shadow hanging over our heads, Kurt. When you didn't want people even mentioning his name, you were allowing him to get between us. Now he's actually in our way, and you can't blame me for wanting to know whose side you're on.”

Kurt leaned against the wall, feeling just as tired, as the fire of his anger seemed to dim a little. “Why do there have to be sides in this? There shouldn't be sides in this, Alex.”

“The fact that we have argued about this same thing three times in just a handful of weeks means there are sides, Kurt. And right now, I'm not sure if you're on my side at all,” Alexandre muttered quietly.

Kurt felt a pang of guilt stab him. He'd hurt two of the most wonderful men he'd ever met. Blaine might have been hurting longer, but that didn't mean Alex hurt any less. Kurt didn't want to risk his relationship with Alex, but he simply couldn't cut Blaine loose on his own yet either.

He wasn't sure if he would ever be able to stay away from Blaine completely.

There was one thing Alexandre was absolutely right about: Blaine had always been a shadow hanging over them. There hadn't been a single man that Kurt had met and dated that he hadn't compared to Blaine. There hadn't been a single day when he hadn't thought of his ex-boyfriend and wondered what would have happened if things hadn't gone so wrong. There hadn't been a love song on the radio that hadn't squeezed his heart painfully as he thought of how much Blaine would've loved to serenade him with it.

Blaine Anderson was the kind of man that, once he owned someone's heart, he really owned it. Despite the years and the heartache, Kurt had always known that. He had learned to move on, had found Alex and started all over, but he would always remember Blaine – the good and the bad – because Blaine had been the great true love that movies and fairy tales talked about. He loved Alex with all his heart… but he also knew that no one had ever managed to make his heart beat as strongly, wildly and happily as Blaine had.

Love was such a mess…

“I don't know what to say, Alex,” he admitted finally, defeated. “It's your ring I'm wearing on my finger. It's you I'm marrying soon. Just because I want to help him, that doesn't mean I love you any less…”

Alex was silent for a long moment, but then looked up at him with a sad smile. “You can't help him, Kurt. I don't think anyone can help him anymore.”

And just like that, Alexandre had put into words Kurt's greatest fear.

*

Things were still tense between Kurt and his fiancé the next morning. They didn't speak much at breakfast in the hotel restaurant, neither able to repair the rift between them. There were so many things Kurt didn't know if he could ever fix again.

While Alex was in the shower, Kurt sat on the armchair with his computer. He was supposed to look through some résumés that his secretary had emailed him, so she could call back the possible candidates for the new job, but even though he tried his hardest, he couldn't focus.

Kurt didn't want to go back to New York.

It was like a slap on the face, the realization. Kurt had never felt more at home than in New York, but right now, he wanted to stay right where he was. He knew there was work piling up on his desk. He knew there were still lots of decisions to be made for the wedding. He knew Alex couldn't stay in Los Angeles forever.

He also knew that he couldn't leave until he did everything he could to help Blaine.

It was ridiculous, wanting to put his life on the line for someone else; someone who wasn't even a real part of his life anymore, who had hurt him so deeply that he had been unable to trust others for a very long time. But this was Blaine.

New York was home, but Blaine had always been his weakness.

Alexandre was ready to go back, and Kurt was aware of that. He had work waiting for him. His patience had run out already – he didn't want to deal with Blaine. He had mentioned once again the previous night that they would have to contact their lawyer and ask him to handle the divorce, since the other part wasn't cooperating. Kurt's stomach had churned at the idea, knowing how much more painful that would be for Blaine, but at the same time, he couldn't blame Alex for wanting to move things along. They really didn't have much time left…

Kurt closed his laptop, and rubbed his temples, feeling the tension building into another headache. It was pointless to attempt to get any work done, with the situation here heading to a boil.

He was considering getting a coffee at the shop down the street, when there was a knock at the door. He rose to answer it, assuming it was the maid. 

However, when he pulled the door open, Kurt gasped in shock. Blaine was standing in front of him, looking uncomfortable and just as tired as the previous day, though he was obviously sober this time.

“Blaine…” Kurt murmured, and just the sight of him was enough to send shivers all over him.

“Hi,” Blaine said timidly. He peered into the room. “Uhm. Is Alexandre here?”

“He's in the shower,” Kurt answered, fighting off the urge to pull him into his arms.

Blaine looked small and pale. He hadn't shaved, but it was obvious he had taken a shower, because his curls were shiny and clean. His eyes were red-rimmed and hollow, with shadows under them, either from lack of sleep or from crying.

“I… I wanted to apologize. To both of you,” Blaine muttered quietly. “I don't remember half of the things I said yesterday, but they probably weren't nice.”

“It's okay. We shouldn't have gone to your apartment like that. I shouldn't have let him come with me,” Kurt said immediately. “I'm sorry, Blaine.”

“No. No, you have nothing to be sorry for, remember?” Blaine tried to smile but it was a failed attempt. He swallowed with difficulty before continuing. “Once I, uhm, sobered up, I realized what an ass I've been. I realized that I've hated myself for hurting you for a decade, but now that I actually have the chance to give you some happiness back, I'm being a selfish idiot.”

Kurt wrapped his arms around himself. “What do you mean?”

“I signed them,” Blaine said, and held out a large white envelope. “You have this chance to be happy, to marry a good guy and have the life you've always wanted, and I'm not going to be the one to ruin that. I don't ever want to be the one to ruin your plans and your happiness ever again, Kurt.”

There were tears running down Kurt's face before he even noticed it. He wiped them away hastily when they blurred his vision. “Blaine…”

“I hope he makes you the happiest man in the world. You've always deserved someone who could make you the happiest man in the world,” Blaine whispered, as he twisted the envelope in his hands. It was as if he still wasn't ready to hand it over. “I'm sorry I couldn't be the one to make all your dreams come true. I'm sorry I broke all the promises I ever made to you. I'm sorry I betrayed your trust, because it's one of the most precious things a man could have. I'm sorry I kept this,” he added, gesturing to the papers in his hands, “from you for so long just to make myself feel better. And I'm sorry for giving you such a hard time these past few days, when you needed my help. I know it doesn't change anything, but I was afraid to sign these, because even though it's been ten years I still don't know how to let go of you.”

A sob broke through Kurt's lips. “Blaine…” He whimpered, because he didn't know what else to say.

“I'm just so sorry, for everything.”

“Please, just…”

“I love you,” Blaine interrupted, making Kurt's breath stutter. “I've always loved you, even when I fucked everything up. You're the only man I've ever loved and the only one I will ever love, and though I know it doesn't change anything, that it doesn't fix anything, and that it isn't worth anything now… I just needed to tell you.”

It isn't worth anything. As if love wasn't big enough. As if it wasn't important enough. A mistake doesn't make love worthless – it just dents it a little. Kurt cried harder when he realized Blaine didn't believe that anything in him could be worth it, not even his ability to love after so much heartbreak.

“So that's what I came here to say. Please tell Alexandre how sorry I am for everything,” Blaine said, before thrusting the envelope unexpectedly into Kurt's hands. “Goodbye Kurt.”

Kurt wanted to stop him, but Blaine practically fled down the corridor as if he couldn't stand to be there for another second. Kurt should've chased after him, but he couldn't move. It was as if his whole body had been frozen with those words: I love you.

Kurt had known Blaine loved him – it was in his lasting pain, his careful glances, his heated kisses. But hearing those words again in Blaine's soft voice had paralyzed him. He hadn't thought he would hear him say them again.

Kurt looked down at the envelope in his hands. He didn't dare open it.

A voice in the back of his head said, you should have run after him.

He leaned against the wall, feeling weak and slightly sick. He whispered with a sob, “I should have run after him.”

*

When Alexandre came out of the bathroom a few minutes later, clean-shaven and wearing a soft green Henley that Kurt had always adored on him, Kurt was sitting on the edge of the bed, looking down at the divorce documents resting on his lap and barely holding his tears back.

“I was thinking we could book our plane tickets for… Kurt?” Alex stopped on his way to his laptop that was resting on his bedside table. He frowned. “What's going on?”

“Blaine stopped by,” Kurt murmured in a hoarse voice. He raised the papers for Alex to see. “He signed them.”

A wide grin spread on Alexandre's face and he clapped his hands together. “That's fantastic! Finally! We should…” He paused when he realized Kurt wasn't joining in the celebration. “Mon ange?”

“I slept with him.” Kurt said clearly, his eyes fastened to Blaine's signature, the same curvy script he remembered from all those love letters Blaine had sent, when they were together. “The night before you arrived.”

Alex seemed frozen now, staring uncomprehendingly, as if he had suddenly forgotten all the English he ever knew. “You...”

“I'm sorry,” Kurt interrupted, because he needed to get this off his chest. “I'm sorry. I've always hated cheating for what it did to me when I was younger, and now I did it to you. You… you didn't deserve it, Alex. I'm really sorry.”

“You slept with him,” Alex repeated, but now he just sounded wounded.

“Yes. And it was my fault, before you start blaming it on him,” Kurt explained, and it shocked him how calm he suddenly was. He just wanted to be honest. He was so tired… “I… I went to his apartment, after we argued on the phone, and I admit I was a little out of control and a little too stressed, so I didn't approach the matter very well. He exploded, we argued, and then he… just told me everything. He just… he spoke so sincerely and I understood so many things that had been a mystery to me until then… and I kissed him.”

“Just because he was honest with you?” Alex asked completely bewildered. “You kissed him and slept with him because he decided to have an honest conversation with you?”

“No,” Kurt shook his head and clutched the papers against his chest, cradling them like a shield. “I did it because I love him.”

It was like the walls closed down around them. The silence was charged and tense, and Kurt felt shivers running down his spine. Alexandre remained completely motionless for a few long seconds, and then he looked down, away from Kurt, as if he needed to regroup before facing him again.

“I'm sorry,” Kurt said again, because he had never felt so guilty and so wrong in his entire life. “I guess I should've known this was going to happen, and maybe I should've handled things differently to avoid it, but… Alex, the truth is that I've been in love with Blaine since I was seventeen years old, and I will be in love with him until the last day of my life.”

Alexandre wrapped his arms around himself. “So… what you're trying to say is that you don't love me.”

Kurt's face softened. Fate had given him this wonderful man, but Kurt didn't deserve him. “Of course I love you, Alex. I'm just… I'm just not in love with you. I made myself believe that I was because I desperately wanted to be over him, and because I desperately wanted to be able to build a whole new life that didn't revolve around him…”

Alex nodded slowly, and then walked towards the bed, taking a seat right next to Kurt. He was still not looking at him. “I… I've always known. That you still loved him, I mean. That thing I said about him being a shadow between us, that was true, Kurt. I've always known he was the one for you, and that I'm just the man you settled with because you couldn't have him.”

“Alex, no,” Kurt muttered horrified. “No. I didn't settle. You are…”

“It doesn't matter. You would have never been with me if there was even a remote chance that you could have Blaine,” Alex shrugged sadly. “Like I said, I've always known.”

Kurt took a very deep breath to brace himself. He knew exactly what was coming, and he wasn't exactly eager to face it. He had never wanted to hurt anybody… how had things ended this way? How had they gotten so out of control?

“I did manage to make you happy, right?” Alex asked quietly, and Kurt smiled at him softly.

“Yes, you definitely did. I wouldn't have agreed to marry you if I wasn't happy with you,” Kurt replied.

“Then marry me anyway,” Alexandre exclaimed, causing Kurt's eyes to widen. He stood in front of Kurt and grabbed his hand, stroking the band on his finger lovingly. “I love you, Kurt. I've never loved anyone the way I love you…”

“Alex…” Kurt started saying, but Alexandre didn't give him enough time to say more.

“No, wait, hear me out, mon ange,” Alex squeezed his hand and looked into his eyes intently. “You've just said that you're happy with me. As long as I can make you happy, I'll be happy. We can have a wonderful life together, and maybe with time, you'll learn to fall in love with me a little bit more… and even if you don't… I'll understand. Kurt, I've had to share you since the moment I met you. You always belonged to him. But I don't care, as long as I can still give you a reason to smile…”

Kurt was filled with the deepest sadness and regret. He had given this man hope and illusions, and he was tearing them apart now. He had promised his love and his life to him, only to realize he had already given them to someone else, someone who had owned them all along. Kurt had never planned this – he had only tried to do his best with the pieces of his broken heart.

“I can't marry you, Alex,” Kurt murmured, hating himself for having to say those words. “It wouldn't be fair to you…”

“I want to. Kurt, I want to,” Alex practically pleaded. “Nothing has to change…”

“But Blaine…” Kurt started, only to get interrupted once again.

“Blaine can't give you the life you deserve and you know it as well as I do. He's not the boy you fell in love with, Kurt. He's a different man with many issues, and even if you love him, you know you can't have the life you want with him,” Alexandre's eyes filled with tears.

“But that's the thing, Alex,” Kurt answered sadly. “I don't think I care what kind of life I have, as long as I get to have him.”

“Kurt…” Alexandre shook his head vehemently. “Please. Just… think about it. We can fix this. We can still be happy together…”

Kurt pulled his hand away from Alexandre's and looked down at his engagement ring. For a few months, looking at it had reassured him – he had managed to build a new life with a new man even after how damaged he had been when Blaine broke his heart. Now… it was a heavy burden. Every second he kept the ring on his finger was another second that he allowed Alex to hope for something he couldn't give him.

He took the ring off and placed it on Alexandre's hand. “I'm sorry, Alex. I really wanted to be the man you deserved.”

Only then did Kurt finally break down, realizing he was giving up a rare chance of having a perfect life, with a perfect man. Everything with Blaine was uncertain and he was risking what he had built so carefully, while breaking Alexandre's heart in the process.

Kurt had never hated himself as much as he did in that moment. After ten years of healing slowly and learning how to love and trust again, he was taking a million steps back just to fall into Blaine's arms once again.

He just hoped Blaine would catch him this time.

*

As soon as Blaine stepped out of the hotel after handing Kurt the divorce papers, he realized he was shaking violently. He covered his mouth with his hand, thinking for a moment that he was going to be sick, as he stumbled down the street, needing to get away from there as soon as possible.

He walked aimlessly, only knowing he needed to put some distance between him and that building where everything had ended. Blaine felt lost – for a decade, his whole life had revolved around Kurt. For the past eight years, that secret marriage had been the crutch he had leaned on when he couldn't find strength to get on his feet. Now, in the blink of an eye, everything was over.

He had finally let go of Kurt and he felt completely empty now, like he didn't even have a purpose.

He somehow ended at a park, and he let himself drop onto a bench. Blaine hugged his knees against his chest and cried bitterly into his own arms. He was scared. Being Kurt's husband had given him a sense of belonging, but now he was completely alone, and he was just Blaine again.

And he hadn't liked being Blaine in a very, very long time.

Where would he go? What would he do? Some of the thoughts passing through his mind terrified him. He had never felt anything stronger than his feelings for Kurt, both pain and happiness.  The pain was choking him now, and he couldn't see through his tears.

“I did the right thing,” he murmured to himself. “I did the right thing.”

Kurt deserved the happiness he hadn't been able to give him. Alexandre seemed to be a good guy and he had won Kurt's heart. Blaine couldn't stay in their way. Even if this was killing him, he knew he had done the right thing.

It still didn't mean he wasn't scared. Blaine tended to do very stupid things when he was upset.

He just wanted to be somewhere where he could stop feeling so devastatingly alone.

Without giving it much thought, because he knew he would change his mind if he did, Blaine stood and started walking. This time, he had a direction and he walked steadily even though he hadn't stopped shaking. He walked and walked until the streets started looking achingly familiar, until the traffic slowed down and the buildings disappeared and were replaced by beautiful houses. He walked down streets lined with trees and the distant sound of children playing and riding their bikes.

He walked until he was on a doorstep in front of a door he hadn't knocked in years.

This time, he did knock.

Blaine wrapped his arms around himself as he waited, and sniffed. I did the right thing.

When the door finally opened less than a minute later, Blaine found himself face to face with his brother for the first time in a very long time. Cooper looked exactly the same – maybe with a few grey strands on his hair, but just as handsome as ever. His brother's eyes widened in shock at seeing him there, and Blaine felt the rest of his walls coming down completely, crumbling around him. He had no strength left to keep them up.

“Coop…” He murmured, doing his best not to cry. There was so much he wanted to say, after so long without his brother, but all the words got tangled and lost. I'm sorry. I've never meant to hurt anyone. I did the right thing. Instead, he managed to say the one thing he hadn't dared saying in a decade. “Coop… I need help.”

*