New York was never ever quiet – traffic jams were a constant occurrence and people wandered around the city at all times. It wasn't called the city that never sleeps for no reason. New York was an endless buzz full of life.

Here, though, Kurt would have sworn he could hear his own breath echoing around him. Here, it was all emptiness and sadness. He guessed it was normal for a cemetery, but he still didn't like it. He tightened his hand around the bouquet of flowers he was carrying and carefully threaded through the lines of graves, looking for the one he hadn't seen in months and months. Looking for the one he hadn't dared to visit in exactly one year.

It had probably been the longest year in Kurt's life, and even though he liked to think he had come out of it stronger, he couldn't deny that he wished it would have been different.

When he was just a few steps away from Mark's grave, he stopped and allowed himself a moment to get ready for it. He buried his face in the beautiful orange lilies. They were Mark's favorite flowers, and he remembered buying him a bouquet on one of their first dates, as soon as he found out. Mark's face had lit up with a gorgeous smile when he had opened the door and found Kurt standing there. That was probably the moment when Kurt had fallen madly in love with him.

Kurt took a deep breath, and closed the distance between him and the grave.

There was a wilted bouquet already there, probably a week or two old. Kurt knew that Mark's mom visited often, but visiting his husband's grave wouldn't have given Kurt any comfort, because it never felt like Mark was here. The Mark he'd known and loved was gone forever, just like his mom's spirit had never been present at her grave. But today he'd needed somewhere to go to say goodbye to Mark and this was as close as he could get to him.

He crouched in front of the grave and tidied the dead flowers to one side, then his fingers traced each letter of Mark's name in the stone, struggling to hold back his tears.

“Hi honey,” he said in a soft voice. “I'm sorry I haven't come until now. It was probably selfish of me, but… I couldn't. It's difficult to imagine you're here. It makes it all so horribly real… but I guess it's time I start accepting that this is real.” He chuckled sadly. “God, I'm babbling already. That's not what I came here for…”

He placed the flowers next to the grave, taking his time to arrange them just right, even though he knew he was stalling.

“I miss you. Every single day, I miss you. I'm still pretty pissed off at the universe for not giving you enough time to become my husband. I really wanted you to be. I wanted us to have our first dance. I wanted us to have a beautiful honeymoon. I wanted us to be married and argue and have make up sex, and disagree about baby names and…” He shook his head. “It just sucks that we never got to do everything we wanted to do. You deserved that, Mark. We both did.”

He sniffled, and even though he would deny it if anyone ever accused him of such thing, he wiped his nose with his sleeve.

“After you died… I had a hard time figuring out what to do with my life. I felt so empty without you…” Kurt lowered his eyes. “I thought my life was over. But Blaine was there for me, just like he's always been, and he kept me floating when I felt like I was going to drown.”

He unconsciously played with the flowers, fixing a petal here and there, as if too nervous to keep talking.

“For a long time, I felt so guilty that I didn't want to admit what I have always known. What I've known since I was just a damn kid with big dreams,” Kurt muttered. He bit his lip and forced himself to say it. “I think you knew it too. I think you've always known a part of me was in love with Blaine…” He waited, but nothing happened. Mark didn't rise from the dead, the sky didn't part with a struck of lightning, the ground didn't crack under him. “It doesn't mean I stopped loving you – I don't think I can ever do that…”

It had taken a very long time for Kurt to wash the guilt away. Many late nights laying awake in his bed staring at the ceiling and wondering if loving another man after his fiancé died made him a bad person. But he knew if Mark could, he would give him a quick pat on the head and tell him to stop being so silly.

“Blaine loves me, and he makes me smile every day, even when I'm having a bad day,” Kurt explained sheepishly. “I wouldn't have survived losing you without him. It was hard at first to accept that I could love someone else, but Mark… I need him. I love him. I think he can help me rebuild a new life…”

He wiped another batch of tears from his face. He stopped for a moment to breathe and think of what he wanted to say next. He sort of expected to feel guilty and awful, like he was confessing to his husband that he was cheating on him, but he didn't. He felt light and at peace.

“I will never forget you,” Kurt said caressing the gravestone once again. “You were one of the loves of my life, and a damn good one. You were the perfect man to love, Mark. I can love a memory, but I cannot hold on to a ghost.”

He stood up slowly and cleared his throat. The cemetery was still deserted and Kurt wrapped his arms around himself. It was just the beginning of September, but autumn was announcing its imminent arrival already.

“I love you,” Kurt murmured and smiled. He imagined Mark smiling back at him and felt warmth in his chest. “I'll come back again soon, okay? And I promise I'll look after your mom.”

Kurt bit his lip. His father had told him he believed in heaven. He believed in meeting their loved ones at the end of the road, of getting to see them again. Kurt had said he didn't believe in those things, that he couldn't. But sometimes he really wanted to.

“I hope that, wherever you are, you met my mom,” Kurt said, feeling a little choked up. “And I hope I can make you both proud.”

He nodded and exhaled sharply, before he turned around to walk out of the cemetery. He looked back the grave before he was too far away to see it, and watched as the breeze silently ruffled the flowers a bit. He closed his eyes and imagined that same breeze that now brushed his face was a caress – a caress from the two people he had loved unconditionally and lost too soon.

*

As soon as Kurt opened the front door, he was immediately hit by warmth and a very comforting, spicy scent. He stepped into the apartment and dropped his keys on the bowl by the door.

Blaine came out of the kitchen, wearing a ridiculous apron and with a little smudge of flour on his cheek. “Hey! You're home!”

Kurt couldn't stop the smile that pulled at his lips despite how draining today had been. He walked towards him and melted into Blaine's welcoming open arms. “Hi. What are you doing?”

“I thought you might need a little pick me up, so I'm baking some cookies. The first batch is in the oven,” Blaine said, dropping a kiss to Kurt's temple and letting his lips pressed there. “I also found that expensive, aromatic tea you like so much and bought a box for you. I'll put on some water and make you a cup. What do you say?”

Kurt blinked away the tears forming in his eyes. He had already cried too much, and even if this time it was because he hadn't even imagined he could be this happy again, he felt like he needed a break from it. He wanted to laugh more. He thought he deserved it. “That sounds perfect. Thank you so much.”

Blaine hummed and swayed him back and forth a bit. They allowed the silence to settle between them for a moment, before he spoke again. “Are you okay? How did it go?”

Kurt hid his face in Blaine's neck and inhaled deeply. He smelled of cinnamon, chocolate, sugar and happiness. “I'm okay. I think… I think he'd be happy for us.”

Blaine cupped Kurt's jaw in his hands carefully and made him look up at him. Their eyes met, both so intense and mesmerizing, and Blaine offered him a tender smile. “I think he would be happy for us, too.” Blaine paused, and looked away for a second, as if he were embarrassed. “He knew. He knew I loved you. I actually told him myself when he asked me.”

Kurt's eyes widened in surprise. “Really? He did?”

“Yeah. Soon after you first introduced us. He looked like he would take a step away if we wanted him to. That's when I was sure he would be perfect for you – because he loved you so damn much, Kurt, but he put your happiness before his,” Blaine explained, and he looked like he was close to tears too. “But he knew, and he never tried to put a dent in our friendship. He knew all I wanted to do, all I've ever wanted to do was spend my life loving you…”

Kurt moved in for a soft kiss before Blaine could say anything else. Some people struggled to find one good man who would love them – he had managed to find two amazing, perfect men who loved him without regrets or conditions, who loved Kurt Hummel for everything he was, flaws and all.

For every heartache life had put in his path, it had rewarded him with twice as much love.

Blaine smiled against his lips, his arms wrapped around his neck. He was the most beautiful thing Kurt had ever seen, smudge of flour and all. “Tea and cookies?” He offered quietly.

I'm going to be okay, Kurt thought as he watched him, slightly incredulous that he got to call Blaine his. We are going to be okay.

“Tea and cookies,” he confirmed, and kissed him again, just because he could.

*