Blaine

Blaine spent the rest of the night and all of the next day thinking about Kurt and what happened the night before at the bar. It wasn't until they were loading up their van with equipment that his thoughts were broken by Matty.

"Hey," Matty said with his eyes pointed down and his gloved hands in his pockets.

Chris, Nick, Jeff, and Blaine all turned to look at their band leader. His jaw was slightly discolored from where Jeff punched him, but not much. It would look worse tomorrow for sure. "What do you want?" Jeff asked.

"Uhhhhh," Matty dragged out. "I'm sorry. I lost my cool and everything I said was uncalled for."

"So, you're performing with us tonight?" Blaine asked. He was quick to forgive Matty for his actions. It was just music and he wanted to play.

"If you'll let me."

"How's your face?" Jeff asked.

"Hurts like a bitch, but I deserved it. I'm sorry for what I said, man. It was wrong and not cool at all."

"Okay then. Grab something to toss in here and let's get going." Just like that, all was forgotten and Matty was accepted back in the group.

When they were unloading the truck Matty crouched to help Blaine lift and amplifier. "Man, I'm sorry about sticking my nose in your business with Kurt. I'm trying not to, but I guess I need to try harder. I just see him and I get so mad, you know?"

"No. I don't know," Blaine said with a grunt as he adjusted his fingers to get a better hold.

"It's this thing with Candy. I know she's cheating on me, but I can't bring myself to confront her on it and when I see Kurt it makes me think of her and I get mad because I can yell at him and not at her."

"No, you can't yell at him. He's none of your concern. Besides, he's been nothing but nice to you in the past. So, if you stay out of my business, I won't hassle you like I did last night."

Kurt

Kurt arrived at the bar in Queens that Blaine told him about and immediately saw Matty outside smoking a cigarette. He walked up to him and greeted him. "Hey."

"Oh. You did come," Matty said a little blandly.

Kurt furrowed his eyebrows for a second. "Uh, yeah. Blaine asked me to, so…" he trailed off, not knowing why Matty wasn't as friendly as usual.

"Is that really why you're here?" He took a drag off his cigarette and blew it away from Kurt.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means that you are only around when Blaine isn't eating out of the palm of your hand."

Kurt tilted his head and immediately put on his bitch face. "What are you talking about?"

Matty blew the smoke out of his mouth and flicked the ashes off the cigarette. "You know exactly what I'm talking about. He's so messed up because, for some reason, he wants you and you act like he has a chance, but then turn right around and fuck things up for him."

"I have no idea-"

"Yes you do! How could you not? I don't know what game you're trying to play, but it needs to stop. You either choose him, or you leave him alone. It's hard enough being around him when all he can think of is you. Friggen, every song he writes is about you these days."

A light bulb went off in his head. "He told you."

"Yeah he told me. Vin must be some guy to turn down Blaine. You let him in your bed and make out with him and shit, then drop him when he leaves? Man, I'm glad you chose Vin. Blaine doesn't need someone like you. You'd probably cheat on him too."

"I don't need to listen to this." Kurt turned to walk away, but Matty caught him by the arm and Kurt turned back.

"Yes you do. You listen and you listen good. Blaine might be weak enough to fall for being the other guy waiting in the wings, but he's a damn good person and selfless as all hell. He doesn't deserve to be strung along."

"You think I don't know that?" Kurt snapped. "Why do you think I let him go? He deserves someone better. What he and I did was selfish, I know that. Me more than him, but he only cared that I was comfortable. He only cared about what I wanted. He even tried to help Vin be able to communicate better with me. All the while telling me it was okay that I made him wait because he wanted me to be really sure that my choice was what I really wanted. And what was I? I don't deserve someone like that. Don't you know that I know Blaine's too good for me? How can I not? Fuck, based on what I did, Vin is too good for me too, but…" Kurt couldn't finish his thought.

Matty let go of Kurt's arm. His eyes were less intense than they were previously. Kurt understood Matty's immense protection of his friend. Band mates are like family. There's a bond there. It was like when Kurt and the rest of his Glee-mates rushed to Rachel's defense, sophomore year in high school, when things got bad with Vocal Adrenalin. Rachel was annoying and irritating, but she was one of them. Blaine is the same in Matty's eyes, minus the part about being annoying and irritating. He only saw Kurt as those things right now. "At least we're on the same page on this," he said.

"Look, I know you don't like me very much right now, but what do you want me to do here?"

"I want you stay away from him. Ignore him. Leave him be."

"I tried that, remember? I stayed away for six months and we still ran into each other. This is a huge city with millions of people and when the two of us were purposely trying to not run into each other, it only took six months for that to not work."

"Try harder."

"I care about him."

"Then stop breaking his heart!"

"Matty!" Kurt whipped his head around and both him and Matty were staring Blaine in the face. "That's enough."

"I was just-"

"Stay out of it," Blaine said with finality. He flicked his eyes to Kurt. Matty took the last drag off his cigarette and put it out with his foot.

Kurt's mouth opened and closed. He was in shock and didn't know how much Blaine had heard of Matty and his argument. His eyes shifted from one of Blaine's eyes to the other and took in a shaky breath. Matty left them both and went inside the bar without another word.

"I should go," Kurt said softly.

"Wait," Blaine pleaded.

"I shouldn't have come. Matty was right."

"I'll deal with him. He had no right to say what he did."

"Someone had to. He had a point."

"No he didn't."

"How can you trust me? I lead you on and even though I don't mean to, I still am. If I chose you instead of Vin, how do you know I wouldn't cheat on you like I did him?"

"I trust you because I know you. Vin clearly doesn't. If he did then you wouldn't have your doubts."

"Yes I would."

"Why?"

"Because I'd still have you in my life. It isn't him that made me turn to you; it was you. He could have been anyone and I would still have fell right into your arms the way I did. I felt… connected to you in a way that I never have before. It's effortless to be around you. You know me better than anyone and that scares the hell out of me because it was like I didn't need to say anything. You just knew. "

"Why didn't you choose me then?"

"I didn't want to hurt you anymore."

"You weren't hurting me," Blaine insisted.

"That night we got caught in the rain…"

"My last night there?"

"Yes. I was on the phone with Vin and when I got off, I realized that he would do anything to make me happy."

"And I wouldn't?"

"You would. I knew you would. Especially after I realized that he and I were only doing better because he took the advice of the person who wanted me just as badly as he did. But after what I'd done and was doing… You deserve so much better than what I had to offer."

"What does that even mean? And it wasn't up to you to decide what I did and didn't deserve. I wanted you."

"Wanted," Kurt repeated softly. "Past tense." He put his hands in his pockets and looked sheepishly down at the pavement. He was almost ashamed and embarrassed for admitting his feelings this way. He saw Blaine's shoes take a step toward him.

"Want…. Present tense."

Kurt looked up.

"I still want you." He took another step. They were close now. Kissing distance. Blaine gulped. "I'll always want you."

Kurt could feel Blaine's breath on his mouth. It tickled the nerves in his lips. His breath was hot in contrast to the bitter cold of the December night air. He gulped just like Blaine did and uttered the words he should have said all along. "I want you too." Whether it was Blaine or Kurt that kissed who first, they didn't know. Their lips were on each other and moving together with feeling.

Kurt whimpered and Blaine's hands moved to his face, cradling his cheeks between both his hands and tangling his fingers in Kurt's hair. Blaine pulled his lips away and looked deep in Kurt's eyes. "I want you. I want to be with you and I don't care if what we're doing puts a negative label on it. I just want you." He kissed Kurt again. They breathed deeply through their noses and Kurt moaned softly.

"Blaine-"

"No," Blaine interjected. "I don't wanna know. I don't want to hear you apologize or tell me that you can't do that to me. Whatever it is, I don't want to hear it. I'll be fine. Just do whatever you have to and I'll wait. I know you care about Vin and I know you love him, but whatever you have with him can't compare to us. I know it. I can feel it and I know you do too, otherwise, you wouldn't be here with me."

"Blaine." Kurt looked self deprecating.

"I don't care if it means I'm weak or helping you cheat on a guy who doesn't deserve it. I don't care anymore, maybe I never did. I don't know. I just-" He kissed Kurt again, as if frantic to prove a point. "Waiting and being weak is better than being without you. So whatever you have to do, I'll wait. I won't wait long, but I'll wait."

"You need to understand something. If you already do that's fine, but I need to know for myself that at least I said it. I'm a mess. I let you and Vin make the decision for me last time and I'm a coward for that. I'm… I'm terrified of letting myself be with you and that fear has done nothing, but cause you pain and anger." He paused, glancing at Blaine's expression and trying to read it. "I'm not worth it."

There was silence for thirty seconds. "What happened to you?" Blaine asked with anguish in his voice. Kurt looked questionably at Blaine. "Who did this to you to make you think that you're not worth it?" He put his hands on Kurt's shoulders and grasped hard. "You're… The way I feel about you… the indescribable reasons why I feel the way I do about you… there's no way for me to ever believe that you're not worth it. You're everything, Kurt. You're worth everything to me."

"How could you know that?" Kurt said loudly, feeling a lump rising in his throat. "You haven't seen me in six months and the time we spent together before then was disastrous."

"That's not the way I remember it."

"Matty's right. I have to stop breaking your heart. It isn't fair to either one of you."

"It isn't fair to you either. I know you want us both. I know you're torn. But you can have us both until you know for sure."

"You mean, until I choose you." Blaine went silent and his face read all the answer Kurt needed. "Blaine, what are you doing to yourself? You don't know what you're agreeing to."

"Yes I do. Kurt, I came alive when I met you. I knew within minutes that I had to have you in my life. I was drawn to you. You said that it wasn't Vin that made you run to me; it was me. It wasn't just me. It was you too. We're supposed to end up together. I just know it."

"Just stop. I can't do this! Don't you get it?" Kurt was near tears. Blaine could hear it in his voice.

"Obviously not! What can't you do? Tell me."

"I can't lose you!" Kurt almost screamed it. The tears came and he couldn't hold them back anymore. "I'm going to break your heart again. I know it. I'm going to do it again and again no matter how much I don't want to. If I choose him, then I get to keep you. If I choose you, then you'll eventually see that I don't deserve you, and you'll leave me, and we won't be friends or lovers or anything. You'll hate me and I can't have that." His voice choked and he couldn't speak anymore.

Blaine quickly grabbed Kurt and held him close. He was far past caring who saw or heard their spat in the street. "Never, Kurt; never. I told you. I'll never stop wanting you. I could never hate you. We're like Justin and Brian from Queer As Folk, or um… what was that movie we watched? When Harry Met Sally. I'll even be Sally."

Kurt sniffled and made a noise that almost resembled laughter. "No way. You'd never be able to pull of Meg Ryan."

Blaine laughed. "Fine. Billy Crystal then."

Kurt let Blaine wipe his tears with his thumbs. "Don't they get together in the end?"

Blaine just smiled. "I know what I'm asking and agreeing to. I know what's in store for us and I'm saying that I want to go through it. I know it will be hard, but I want to go through it if it means that I get to have you in the end."

"But what if you don't? What if you don't get me in the end?"

"Why don't we cross that bridge if that's the road we take. 'We' being the key word. We'll do this together. We'll work through this and we'll see where we end up. If it doesn't work out… then at least we'd know that we tried. And I'd have no regrets."

"I'd have a few." Kurt sniffled again.

"You do stand to lose the most. I could either lose or keep you. Vin could either lose or keep you, though he doesn't exactly know that. But you… You lose someone you care about either way."

Kurt blinked, knowing what Blaine was saying to be true. According to Kurt, he felt that whatever pain or loss he got in the end was well deserved. How could he say yes to what Blaine was offering? How could he say no? He wanted Blaine. Desperately he wanted Blaine, but picking up the affair that they were having and continuing it was probably more wrong than the first time. He looked at Blaine and held his hands. He looked at everything like he was memorizing everything about him. His face and all his features. The hope that Blaine held in his eyes and the pleas that he was holding back from all the others. His lips and his neck that he'd kissed so many times. His arms and hands that held Kurt close for nights on end. His chest and torso that Kurt could never keep his eyes off of. He couldn't. He couldn't put Blaine through this. He couldn't go to Vin and tell him that he'd been having a prolonged affair with Blaine. He couldn't hurt Vin like that. He couldn't leave them both and couldn't have them both. Right now, he just knew that he couldn't be around Blaine and not want to kiss him or more. He couldn't do this all over again. He just couldn't. But he would.

Kurt brought Blaine's hands up to his lips and kissed them both. Then he brought them down and wrapped them around his own waist, pulling Blaine back in again. He tangled his fingers in Blaine's curls and slowly, ever so slowly, he brought his lips to Blaine's.

It was that moment that, no matter what happened or what could happen, Blaine felt like he'd won.