June 1, 2012, 8:59 p.m.
Distance Makes The Heart Grow Fonder: Chapter 27
E - Words: 2,405 - Last Updated: Jun 01, 2012 Story: Complete - Chapters: 86/86 - Created: Jun 01, 2012 - Updated: Jun 01, 2012 309 0 0 0 0
Finn drove with Kurt in his passenger seat to Dalton. No one dared get in the car with them for hear Kurt would pass on whatever depressed mojo he had to everyone else. He had been silent for most of the ride in thought, With fifteen minutes left to the drive, Finn broke the silence.
"Are you nervous?"
"Yes."
"Do you think he'll be mad that you're there?"
Yes."
"He can't be mad at you for this. All of New Directions, and that includes you, were invited to be there. Besides, it's just a practice. Everything will turn out fine."
"I don't believe that, but thanks for saying it."
"The way I'm thinking of it is this: If he doesn't want anything to do with you, then you'll know what to do; if he wants to talk to you, then you'll get closure, no matter if it's good news or not."
"Thank you, Finn." He meant it because Finn was right. Kurt was just afraid.
They arrived at Dalton Academy at the same time as the other New Directions members and because Kurt had been the only other person who stepped foot in that school, Kurt lead everyone to the Warbler rehearsal room. His heart pounded with every step he took.
The doors opened and Wes welcomed the New Directions in. Kurt purposefully inserted himself in the middle of the group so when they entered, he would not be the first or last thing people saw; however, the boys in this room were his peers not too long ago, so he wasn't sure if his plan would work.
Kurt walked over the thresh hold and looked up for a mere moment to see where an empty seat would be and the instant he did, he spotted Blaine, whose honey eyes sought him out. He gulped and averted his eyes as he followed Tina and Mercedes to a row of fold out chairs the Warblers had put out for them.
James was in the back of the room sitting with what must have been his new friends, taking in this discourse. The Warblers knew the New Directions would be joining them and James found it odd that Blaine not only didn't save a seat for his dainty boyfriend, but made no move to greet him. Kurt wouldn't look at him and wore of look of fear on his face. James smiled at his findings. Looks like I didn't need Zach after all. They're going to ruin themselves. Hmm. He looked to the boy in the Dalton Blazer and thought about how long it would take him, now that the couple was already crumbling, to get the curly haired one alone.
Wes took his seat at the head of the room as David welcomed their guests and made particular mention of welcoming Kurt back. "You had to have known we'd get you back somehow." A few people chuckled. Kurt pretended to smile in gratitude, but once the light was taken off of him his mouth turned downward once more.
"So, Mr. Sheuster, we are under the impression that you've already been rehearsing the song we sent you?"
"Yes, David. We rehearsed it this morning. You chose a great song."
"Thank you. We've been talking it over throughout the day and have come to the conclusion that we'd like to turn this into a duet using one of our Warblers and one of your Dew Directions singers."
"That sounds like a great idea. We love collaborating."
Rachel sat up straight assuming it would be her to take the New Direction solo, but wondered if auditions were needed. Kurt sank low in his chair, knowing Blaine would be the one getting the Warbler solo and Kurt was hoping he would disappear so that he didn't have to sit through one more awkward moment in this room.
"If it's all right with you, we're well acquainted with your singers and have selected the soloists ourselves."
"That's fine. Takes time away from auditions."
"We thought so as well. Blaine, if you'll come up as the Warbler representative." Everyone clapped and Blaine slowly meandered his way up front. Kurt kept his eyes down. "And we've selected Kurt from the New Directions."
Kurt flicked his eyes up in horror and his jaw dropped. "That doesn't seem fair because he went here and Blaine's his boyfriend. I think it would be more appropriate for someone else to be chosen," Rachel whispered to Finn.
"Rachel, shut up." Finn had never spoke to her like that before, but he was preoccupied with his brother at the moment. This was about him and not Rachel.
Kurt hadn't budged. Tina and Mercedes practically pushed him up and forward to the front of the room. He made his way over to the table where Blaine was standing and he took his place next to him without looking at him. They both faced the room instead of each other. Just before the music started Kurt heard a quiet, somber, "Hi."
"Hi," Kurt answered without looking back.
Kurt listened to the Warblers start their vocal orchestra that he always admired and counted out the beats before he would enter in with the opening verse. He refused to look at anyone, least of all Blaine, because he knew how uncomfortable this must be for anyone who knew something was amiss between them. He also knew that Blaine must be hating this as much, if not more, than Kurt. The beats passed and he rolled his eyes, took a breath, and began.
Kurt: I won't do what you told me
I won't do what you said (no)
I'm not gonna stop feeling
I'm not gonna forget it
I don't wanna start over
I don't wanna pretend that
You are not my lover
That you're only my friend
Fight it! Kurt thought to himself. Don't look at him! He was fighting a losing battle. The words resonated with him so much that he felt he needed to perform this as best he could to show Blaine that this was exactly how he felt.
So he mustered up all his courage in a split second and looked to Blaine. He was stunned to see that Blaine had already been looking at him with red rimmed eyes. Kurt continued singing.
Cause when you took my heart, you took it allWhen you gave it back, I fell apart
Blaine: So...
Blaine had been fighting back tears since he saw the New Directions walk into the room. He couldn't help, but keep his eyes on Kurt the whole time and notice that Kurt hadn't looked at him once since their eyes met when he walked in. Here there were, finally face to face since that awful night, and like most everything in their relationship, they had to share their everything with everyone else watching.
Kurt: I won't do what you told me
Blaine: I won't do what you said, no
Kurt: I'm not gonna stop feeling
Blaine: I'm not gonna forget it
Kurt: I don't wanna start over
Blaine: I don't wanna pretend that
Both: You are not my lover
Blaine: That you're only my friend My friend
Kurt: I won't...
Blaine swallowed hard and averted his eyes momentarily for the first line of his verse because he didn't want Kurt to know that his solo verse was exactly what Blaine had been struggling with the past few days.
Blaine: Well, maybe you're not right for me
He looked back to Kurt and stepped forward to be within touching distance.
Maybe it's just hard to see
He reached out a hand and stroked Kurt's cheek with the back of his fingertips.
I get lost in your beauty
He had a slight half smile at the shear beauty Kurt did have and let himself swoon once more. Kurt closed his eyes in defeat and turned slightly into Blaine's hand.
And I just stop questioning
He took his hand back and covered his own heart with it.
Cause when you took my heartYou took it all
Kurt opened his eyes. Blaine wasn't smiling anymore. He looked pained instead.
When you gave it backI fell apart
Kurt: So...I won't do what you told me
Blaine: I won't do what you said, no
Kurt: I'm not gonna stop feeling
Blaine: I'm not gonna forget it
Kurt: I don't wanna start over
Blaine: I don't wanna pretend that
Both: You are not my lover
Blaine: That you're only my friend...Friend
Kurt: I won't...
Suddenly, in a split moment, Blaine knew what he had to do, what he had to say. In this moment of clarity, he realized a simple truth: things with Kurt were not going to go away. They were either going to get better or get worse, but they certainly were not going to disappear. If he broke up with Kurt, he'd hate himself for giving up and the loss of throwing away his first love would haunt him for the rest of his life. If he stayed with Kurt he would probably continue to be jealous of any guy who showed him the slightest attention. He would always be thinking if Kurt wanted something more than what Blaine could offer him because he couldn't always be there. They might be in a constant flux of fighting to make their relationship work until they graduated and could actually be together permanently, but at least, until then, he'd still have Kurt. They'd still have each other. BUT, and this was a very big key point for Blaine, he felt he still needed time to come to terms with the magnitude of what had happened in a two day time. A song may have brought them together again, but a song was not going to fix what happened.
Blaine: You say it's easier to burn than to buildYou say it's easier to hurt than to healBut I say you lose when you give up what you love
Kurt felt he was begging Blaine in his next line.
Kurt: And I've lived my life without you long enoughSo...
I won't do what you told me
Blaine: I won't do what you said, no
Kurt: I'm not gonna stop feeling
Blaine: I'm not gonna forget it
Kurt: I don't wanna start over
Blaine: I don't wanna pretend that
Both: You are not my lover
Blaine: That you're only my friend...Friend
Kurt: I won't...
Both: No, I won't...
At first there was no sound when the song ended. No one cheered or clapped. Everyone knew there was something more going on than the words in a song and the tension in the room was thick.
Without waiting or looking around at the room, Kurt dropped his eyes from Blaine's and rushed out of the room. Blaine stood unmoving, watching him leave.
"Blaine," Finn broke the silence. The curly haired boy turned his head and looked at the tall stepbrother of the boy he loved. "Go," was all he said. Blaine nodded and hastened through the door.
He raced through hallways, taking guess after guess of which way, Kurt could have gone and found him sitting on a stairwell. He felt that he should have known and may have subconsciously known all along that this staircase was where he would find him because this is the place where they first met. Blaine stared at the boy on the stairs, his chest heaving and out of breath.
Kurt had his face in his hands, but knew Blaine had found him. He felt so strongly about how awful their situation was that he was sure Blaine was there to break-up with him. "Say it," he said looking up finally, his face flushed and eyes heavy. "Tell me you don't want me anymore." There was a lump in his throat that he couldn't swallow down.
Blaine didn't think it were possible, but his heart sunk further. "I love you," was all he could say.
Kurt's eyes widened and his expression changed to stunned. His mouth gaped open. He hadn't expected that to be what fell from Blaine's lips.
Blaine held out his hand. Kurt took it immediately and stood as Blaine backed down the stairs, pulling Kurt with him until they reached even floor. They stood looking into the other's eyes for a few seconds, still holding hands, before Blaine pulled Kurt to him and held him tightly. "I love you," Blaine whispered. "I love you. I love you. I love you." He kept saying it over and over again.
Kurt sniffled feeling the lump subsiding, but tears still welling in his eyes. "I love you," he whimpered.
"I'll always love you. I'll always want you."
There was a tone in the way he said it, that made Kurt pull away and look at his face. "But?"
"But I need more time." There, he said it.
Kurt thought carefully and spoke slowly. "How much more time?"
"I don't know. I can't begin to know how to get over how much pain I felt because of…HIM. But I don't want you out of my life. We need to work through this because I can't let you go, but for now…" He paused and breathed despite how heavy his chest felt. He couldn't believe he was about to say what he was about to do, but knew it was something that had to happen in order for them to get better; in order for him to be better for Kurt. "I think we need to take a break from each other."
Kurt let this news sink in and tried not to fall apart. He kept his head level and held back his tears without twisting his face. "You're breaking up with me?"
"No!" Blaine said quickly. "No. I'm not. Kurt, that song we just sang had a lot of truth to it. I've lived my life for too long without you and I won't let you go; not until you tell me to. I just need some time to myself. I'm not going to date anyone else or even look at anyone else for that matter because you're the one I want, and what I need, but I need this time alone to let things quiet down and wrap my head around what everything means." He looked to Kurt for reassurance and acceptance.
It took some time of really processing what Blaine was saying before he put his brave face on and nodded his head. "Okay."
"Okay?"
"Yeah. If this is what you need for us to move forward… together, then this is the way it has to be."
"I promise this will work out." Blaine held Kurt's face in his hands looking scared and confident at the same time. "It will be you and me."
Kurt's voice was shaking. His bravery was faltering. "For always?"
"For always." Blaine brushed his hand through the hair on the side of Kurt's face and leaned toward him. He licked his lips and captured Kurt's upper lip between his. This is right, Blaine thought. Kurt and I are right.