Dec. 3, 2011, 5:31 p.m.
Bluebird: Chapter 18
E - Words: 2,818 - Last Updated: Dec 03, 2011 Story: Closed - Chapters: 31/? - Created: Sep 09, 2011 - Updated: Dec 03, 2011 686 0 4 0 0
Kurt was walking down hallways with no real direction or destination. He only felt that he needed to move. If he only kept moving and didn't stop, maybe his reality wouldn't catch up with him. He was right there, Kurt thought to himself. He was giving me every reason to believe him. I had him. Why did I say that? Why did I walk away? Fuck! Am I always fated to say the wrong thing?
"Kurt wait!" Zach yelled from down the hall behind him.
He did as he was asked. Kurt stopped walking and waited. "How much of that did you hear?" Kurt asked when Zach reached him.
Zach's breathing was labored from running. When he finally caught his breath completely he looked at Kurt with sympathy. "All of it."
Kurt turned his eyes down, ashamed. "I'm sorry." He paused. "You probably hate me."
"No. Actually, in a weird way, it kind of makes me want you more because Blaine seems like a really good guy, but you've still chosen me." Kurt huffed and rolled his eyes, shocked at what Zach was saying. "Look, I know you don't love me like you love him, and there are nights that I fall asleep thinking about how much I like you and how much I wished that were enough, but the truth is that while I'm falling asleep thinking of you, I know you're not doing the same."
"I'm sorry," Kurt repeated.
"You don't have to apologize. You never led me on. I knew what this was all along. I had hoped things would change, but two weeks isn't enough time for someone to fall out of love with one person and in love with another. It is however, enough time for two people in love to drive each other crazy because they aren't together."
Kurt couldn't bring himself to meet Zach's eyes. He was ashamed of what he'd been doing. He convinced himself that he wasn't using Zach. That he actually did like him. But he did like Zach. He was understanding and patient. Zach was sweet and thoughtful, and made Kurt laugh. If he had never met Blaine, Zach would be exactly the kind of person Kurt would want. But that's not the way things were. He had met Blaine and he had fallen in love with Blaine.
He tried to love Zach, but he couldn't. He did like him, he enjoyed spending time with Zach, and he definitely liked kissing him, but for some reason he couldn't understand, he didn't want him.
"Can we sit somewhere? I think I should tell you something," Zach insisted.
Kurt swallowed and nodded. They went into a deserted classroom and sat at a table, facing each other.
Zach scratched his forehead, thinking. "Okay. You'd never been on a date before me, right?" Kurt nodded in agreement, curious where Zach was going with this. "So that means you never had a boyfriend. Do you know how many boyfriends I've had?" Kurt shook his head. "Tons. Too many to count. Most of them I probably shouldn't even call boyfriends because they didn't last that long. At my last school, I went through boys like I was running a marathon."
"Why are you telling me this?"
"Because I want you to know how you changed me."
"Changed? Zach, you were the perfect gentleman and had all the right things to say and knew exactly how to treat me. People don't do things like that unless they already have that in them."
"I know. I was courting you. I had a lot of experience when it came to wooing guys to get what I wanted, so I used my techniques to make you feel special. At my old school, I was a completely different person. My friends that I hadn't ruined or attempted to plow through, called me Casanova because I went through so many guys so quickly and it took nothing for me to convince a guy that he was falling for me. I even had the straightest of teenage guys looking at me like a piece of meat."
"Why would you want that?"
"Because I didn't respect myself. I came here and heard stories about you and saw pictures. You were the most adorable thing I'd ever seen. I was infatuated with you before I even met you because of all the stories I'd heard from people. All they would talk about was how funny you were and how strong. How they were proud of your bravery and missed your voice in the New Directions. Then I saw you up close and I just knew that I needed someone like you in my life. I didn't want another person to go through. I had hoped for someone to finally go through me. But then you turned out to be so pure and I realized that your naivety was so refreshing because you didn't expect anything from me. Being around you is so easy and comfortable, but now I know that was only because you never really wanted me."
"I wanted to want you."
"I know and I wish you did, but…"
Kurt nodded. "But." He was unwilling to say 'I don't' out loud. "You really had a lot of boyfriends?"
"Yeah," Zach said with emphasis.
"Did you sleep with all of them?"
Zach thought Kurt's question was odd considering how Kurt was feeling, but Zach figured that since he was in a truth telling mode and Kurt had the guts to ask, he would tell in the entire truth. "Not all of them, but a lot of them. I fooled around with most of them and cast aside the ones that wouldn't put out when I wanted them to. I wasn't a very good person."
Kurt looked shocked because the person Kurt was talking to was not the person Zach was explaining. They might as well as been two different people. "I was a slut, I know," he laughed. Kurt looked like he was about to defend Zach, so Zach beat him to the punch. "You don't have to tell me I wasn't. I know I was. I didn't respect myself very much. Not like you do. You're careful and want more than what I did."
"I'm a girl. I fantasize about my life being a romantic comedy."
"You're not a girl. You're a romantic. You don't throw yourself around."
"What does it feel like?"
"Sex?"
"Yeah." Kurt blushed and looked away.
"Amazing. There's nothing better. In another life I would have loved and enjoyed showing you just how amazing it could be."
"But not this life?"
"No. Not this life. I don't deserve you. I had hoped to, but I know now that I don't."
"Don't be silly. I'm no better or worse than you."
"I'm not being silly. I'm being honest. You're beautiful and I could never take that from you. I'm a whore and you deserve to make love to someone and not simply have sex with them."
"There's a difference?" Kurt asked curiously.
"Of course." Zach chuckled. "Once you have the right person you'll find out the difference.
"Once I have the right person?" Kurt somehow felt like Zach was breaking up with him.
Zach licked his lips and sighed. He looked away momentarily. "I can't compete with Blaine and frankly I don't want to. I've changed for the better because of you, but I'm not the one you want. I'd kill myself trying to win you over and I'd never be able to because you'd always being wondering what it would have been like to be with Blaine."
"I-"
"Don't be sorry." Zach smiled. "We're parting on good terms. We can be friends."
"You shouldn't talk about yourself the way you do. You laugh it off, but slut and whore aren't good words to aspire to."
"I know. That's why I wanted you so badly. Because in your eyes, I wasn't the bicycle that gave everyone a ride. I was a guy who seemed to know a lot of things about a lot of things. I don't regret anything I've done; I wouldn't change any of it, no matter how awful. But I would regret my future if I didn't change my ways.
"What do I do?"
"Give him a chance."
"But-"
"Believe him. He's telling the truth. It shouldn't matter that he's only figuring it out now."
"I want to, but I don't understand why he loves me."
"Why do you have to understand? You're getting what you want. You love him and want him to love you and he does. Love doesn't need a reason."
"Because I don't want to get hurt. Not by him."
"Kurt, do you know why I went through so many guys?"
"Why?"
"Because I was afraid. I didn't want to get hurt either. But look, I opened myself up to you and took a chance and we didn't work out, but I'm not hurt. Why does allowing yourself to love automatically mean that you'll end up hurt?"
"I don't know, Zach. Whenever I open my mouth to say something about any of it, I say the wrong thing and we end up arguing."
"So what? Give it time. You'll never forgive yourself if you don't at least give it a chance."
"Everything is so easy for you, isn't it? So cut and dry? Black and white?"
"No, but this is easy."
"It's anything, but easy."
"Only because you're making it harder for yourself. All you have to do is look at Blaine and say yes. No need for explanation or conversation. Just say yes."
"What if I go to him and he doesn't want to bother anymore? I've done nothing, but yell at him and turn him down."
"Try, Kurt. That's all I can tell you. Just try."
Kurt and Zach walked back to the auditorium and heard Aural Intensity singing . They didn't want to disturb the performance with the sound of doors opening and closing so they waited for the song to be over.
"Stop analyzing," Zach said, interrupting Kurt's thoughts.
"I just don't get it," he sighed.
"Don't get what?"
"You, Blaine, the situation I'm in."
"What's to get? You and me aren't working out the way I wanted, but we're still friends, Blaine finally figured out that he's in love with you and wants to be with you."
"But the first thing. The part about you and me not working out. Doesn't that bother you?"
"A little, but I can't change the way you feel. I'll live."
"For the record, I really wish that I liked you more."
Zach smiled slightly and looked up at Kurt through lidded eyes. "For the record, I wish that were enough."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be. You can't help the way you feel."
"I know, but I wanted you to know that I wanted the same things you did."
"No, I think you wanted to want them. Sometimes these things happen. You see someone that you feel you should want, but there's a connection missing."
"Do you feel like that towards me?"
"No. I wanted you completely."
"Oh." Kurt looked down, feeling sorry again.
"Stop feeling sorry," Zach laughed.
"I'm having a really hard time seeing how you're so cavalier about this. I feel awful."
Zach laughed again. "You don't have to. I knew what I was getting into. Can we stop talking in circles? Don't feel guilty about any of this. Besides, if you go in there and start talking to Blaine, he'll be so confused and shocked. I'll love it."
"Why?"
"Blaine and I kind of had a heart to heart before I ran after you and I played the "he'll never love me like he loves you" card. I completely set you up to pick up the pieces. You're golden."
"Again. Why?"
"Because I knew the other night at the theater that you and I would never work out. I want to see you happy. If that means that I help you find happiness then I'm good either way."
Kurt winced in a struggling with his emotions way and leapt into Zach's arms. "I don't deserve you. You're amazing."
"Well, this is cute."
Kurt and Zach broke apart, hearing the clicking sounds of shoes and a smooth voice. Derek was walking towards them from a nearby bathroom. "Skipping the other performances to have a moment with your boyfriend?" Derek said blandly. "The bathroom is empty if you two want to have a quickie."
Kurt took in the sight of Derek. He was staring daggers and reeked of bitch. Zach picked up on Derek's hostility towards Kurt and jumped to Kurt's defense. "Well, Kurt just turned me down, but I'm willing if you'll join me," he offered, knowing what Derek's answer would be. Zach winked at Derek flirtatiously.
"I wasn't offering," Derek snapped.
Zach walked toward Derek and got uncomfortably close. He put his hand on Derek's bicep and held it. "Come on, sweetheart, do you wanna pitch or catch cause I guarantee a great time either way."
Derek quickly pushed Zach away. "Get off me!"
Zach advanced to Derek again, but slower this time. "Aw, don't be like that. I usually a gentle lover, but I can be rough if that's what you like." There was a smile on Zach's face and a twinkle in his eyes that angered Derek and freaked out Kurt.
"Derek, that's enough," Kurt interupted.
Zach continued to smile and backed away from Derek. He gave Kurt a peck on the cheek to let him know that he was finished and sorry, then turned his face back to Derek. His smile faded. "Don't talk to Kurt like he'd put out anytime, unless you're willing to be spoken to in the same manner."
"What is it about you?" Derek asked Kurt. "Why do all the boys suddenly fall for you? Blaine and I were happy."
"Don't blame me. I didn't do anything."
"No? You don't do anything? Nothing at all? The guys just suddenly start singing songs about you and you didn't do anything to make any of them fall for you? What is it? You must be really good at sucking dick."
"Derek!" All three boys all turned abruptly to a hallway that lead to an exit sign. Blaine was standing in the middle of the hallway looking furiously at Derek.
"Why Blaine? Why him?" Derek was shouting.
Zach glanced at Kurt and gestured to the door behind them to the auditorium with a nod of his head. Kurt looked at the door and immediately understood. The music from inside the auditorium had stopped. Both of them were sure that people could probably hear what was going on out here if they were pay attention.
"Derek," Blaine started, "stop. Just go back in the auditorium and don't ever talk to him or anyone I care about like that ever again."
"No. I want to know. Why Kurt? We were happy. You loved me. Why him?"
"Does it make a difference to you, who it was?" Blaine answered gently. "You started this whole thing and you're getting exactly what you wanted. I admitted that I'm in love with Kurt." He flicked his eyes to Kurt for less than a second and returned his attention to Derek. "You're not the same person that I fell in love with. This person is mean and crazed. Kurt never pretended to be anything other than who he is and that's who I want. I'm sorry if this hurts your feelings, but attacking Kurt isn't going to make our circumstances any different and it's not going to change how I feel about him."
Then, just like that, it was as if lightening struck and all of Kurt's doubts of Blaine's feelings melted away. He recalled the conversation Kurt had with Blaine, at the party, where Blaine had said that there was someone getting in the middle and he was confused about something he didn't understand. Kurt now realized that Blaine was talking about Kurt.
Kurt was snapped back into the moment when he heard the sound of a door slamming. Derek had gone back into the auditorium. There was silence and Zach told Kurt that he was going to go back inside. Then he whispered "Just try" as he walked past.
Kurt looked back to Blaine, who was still standing in the middle of the hallway. Looking at Kurt, Blaine looked defeated. Kurt gulped and walked up to Blaine. He stood closer than he ever dared.
Neither one said a word at first. They were taking in the moment. They were close enough to smell one another and hear the other breathing. When they finally locked eyes, Kurt brought a tentative hand up to the top of Blaine's head and ran his fingers down the side of Blaine's face gently. He stopped, resting his hand on the crook of Blaine's neck and shoulder. He swallowed hard again. "Y-you really are in love with me?" he asked slowly.
Blaine let out a breath. It was shaking and Kurt saw Blaine's eyes become moist. Blaine nodded his head in quick short movements. "I love you."
"And y-you want me?"
"I want you-"
Kurt's lips were on Blaine's. He didn't need to hear the rest of the sentence. He crushed his lips to Blaine's and the second after it took for Blaine to realize what was happening, they breathed together through their noses, wrapped their arms around each other, and kissed each other like it was something they'd been waiting their whole life for.
Comments
Love this chapter!! I't's perfect! I'm glad you got the inspiration to write again! =D
loving this story! Your portrayal of Karofsky is awesome. And as for the eventual Klaine sex thing, maybe start a different story in this same 'verse that is a little farther along in their relationship? Maybe like a first time one-shot?
Oh, lovely lovely lovely lovely!!! Huzzah for coherence.
Oh my God, I absolutely love Zach. I adore the fact that you pointed out that just because someone doesn't return your feelings or a relationship ends means that you're automatically going to get hurt. Zach is such a fantastic voice of reason. People always say that it's worse to wonder "what if" than for any possible relationship to go south and Zach gave such a glorious point of view regarding that fear of "what if." And I totally always thought Derek would turn out to be an ass.