Kurt

Sleeping Thursday night off didn't calm Kurt from the previous night's events. Binge eating pancakes, covered in butter, strawberries, and syrup, Friday morning didn't help either.

"Do I need to meet you in the locker room again?"

"What?" Kurt asked, being jolted from his daze.

Dave was standing next to him, walking him to his second to last class of the day. "Do I need to meet you in the locker room again?" he repeated. "We can do a repeat session of two weeks ago and then go to the gym." He was smiling teasingly.

"What are you talking about!" Kurt exclaimed quietly so people wouldn't know they were actually getting along. He looked annoyed, which only made Dave happier.

"You look like you're going to hit me again," Dave clarified. "I figured I'd offer to help squash your distress since I was so good at it last time."

"Shut up."

Dave laughed. "Seriously. The baseball team has an away game and no one will be in there after school."

"Careful. Don't want to out yourself," Kurt spit out.

"Careful. Don't want to take a joke for three seconds and seem normal." Kurt scowled. "I talked to Blaine. On Wednesday. Did he call you like I told him to?"

Kurt stopped Dave by grabbing is arm by the elbow. "You? You talked him into saying all that last night?"

"Saying what?"

"Whatever you told him to say."

"I didn't tell him to say anything. I just told him to call you," Dave said quietly.

"Right."

Dave glanced around for a second and pulled Kurt into the nearby bathroom. He checked the stalls and was satisfied when he saw no one was there. "Are you always this angry?" Dave snapped. "Not that I don't enjoy our tiffs because I do. In fact, seeing you annoyed is second only to seeing the backs of my eyelids when I'm making out with you, but you spend so much time scowling these days, you'll need botox by the time you're twenty five to clear up the wrinkles you're going to get."

"Ugh, I hate you."

"No, you tolerate me … and I tolerate you. We can't stand each other half the time, but the other half is spent actually helping one another. You love Blaine and he loves you, but both of you are too stupid to do anything about it. You've done way more for me than I ever deserved, so I went to Blaine to even our score."

"I didn't ask you to talk to him!"

"Why don't you believe him?"

"I have to go to class." Kurt's arm was caught by Karofsky's hulking strong hand. "Dave, let me go."

"Not until you tell me why you don't believe him."

"Because I'm not good enough for him!" Kurt shouted. He froze once the words came out of his mouth. This was something even Kurt hadn't admitted to himself.

"You can't seriously believe that?" Dave asked, his voice softening.

"I think I do. He's perfect. Why would he love me? I mean, Derek…"

"Derek is another version of you."

"No. Derek is… he's… I can't even describe him. He's perfect too."

"He's another version of you," Dave said again. "Only you're the better model. He's 1.0 and you're 2.6."

Kurt smiled sheepishly. "Why wouldn't he have told me? Why now? It seems odd that he suddenly realizes that he loves me when his relationship is crumbling."

"So he has bad timing. Did you ever think that maybe his relationship was crumbling because he loves you and not the other way around?"

"No."

"No you didn't think about it, or no you don't agree with me?"

"I didn't think about it."

"Well maybe you should. Why not try the 'Blaine's in love with me' hat on? See how it fits."

"It probably won't."

"How can you know that if you don't try it on? Just romanticize the idea for the afternoon. See where it takes you."

"What is there to lose?"

"My sanity. I'm scared too."

"You're probably scared for the same reasons he is, but whatever happens, it has to be better than what you both have now, right? So you give it a shot and it doesn't work out? At least you'd have had some good memories. Say it does work out? You'd be missing out on all that because you were scared. Again, what is there to lose? You'd be no better off than you are now. Now, all you do is mope, and wish, and scream at him that he's a liar."

Kurt saw the truth in Dave's words and tossed them around in his head during his next class. His thoughts came to a screeching halt when he was walked to his last class and saw Zach. What about Zach? Where does he fit in all of this?

Kurt had been kissing him and swooning around him for weeks now and Zach was sweet enough to not deserve his heart to be smashed. Maybe Kurt owed it to Zach and himself to give Zach an honest try. But would it be much of a try if all he'd be thinking about is the 'what ifs' with Blaine?

Kurt was more confused than ever. He could picture himself with Blaine. Happy with Blaine. As confident as Kurt was, when it came to Blaine, he always felt that they weren't equals. Blaine was his downfall. Blaine got all the solos. Men and women wanted him. He skated through classes with ease and always got top marks. His smile was charming and everyone loved him instantly. Outside of Glee Club, who loved Kurt? At what point was Kurt ever the star? No one and never. When it came to Blaine, that's how Kurt saw himself: as a 'no one' who would never get what he wanted or deserved. Friendship was more than he could have ever asked for because at least then, Blaine looked him with those honey eyes and made everything okay.

Could he really love Kurt? Zach seemed to have liked Kurt upon their first meeting just as Kurt did when he met Blaine and Finn didn't have feelings for Rachel right away, they grew over time. Couldn't that be the same for Blaine? Or maybe they'd been there all along and he's only just now realizing his feelings?

But what about Zach? Kind, sweet, caring, selfless, Zach? He truly was all those things. He recalled kissing Zach for the first time. It was such a rush. Much more intense than any kiss he'd ever shared with Karofsky.

What was Kurt supposed to think? What was he supposed to feel?

By the time the other schools started showing up for the pre-competition scrimmage, Kurt had been thinking of nothing, but Zach and Blaine for hours.

He could see in Zach's eyes that Zach knew something was rolling around in his head. He wanted to reassure him to make the anxious worry in his eyes go away, but deep down, Kurt knew that any reassurance he gave Zach would be false right now. What a mess this is, Kurt thought. He felt so guilty because of the way Zach looked at him. It was like a puppy in a pet store giving you sad eyes that said, "Pick me. Pick me."

More students were showing up and Kurt held Zach's hand. Zach squeezed it back and when Kurt saw Zach's eyes shift to the side, Kurt felt another pair of eyes searing into the back of his head.

Blaine

"Kurt?" Blaine said, trying to get the porcelain boy's attention. Kurt turned slowly, releasing Zach's hand, an action that Blaine didn't fail to notice.

Kurt appeared to be breathing like his breaths were labored and if given the chance, he'd unzip his skin and walk out of it. "Please don't be nervous around me," Blaine requested calmly. "I don't want to argue or upset you in anyway. I just wanted to come over and say hello. We'll be in the same room and I wanted to get the awkwardness out of the way."

"You just wanted to say hello?" Kurt asked.

"Yes. Hello." Blaine fidgeted with his fingers.

"Hello," Kurt responded uncomfortably.

"Hi, Zach." Blaine didn't care that Zach was standing there, but he didn't want to be rude by not acknowledging him.

"Hi."

"Um- break a leg. I'm sure the New Directions will do great."

"Same to you," Zach answered when Kurt didn't.

"Thanks. Um- right. Well, I'm going to go back to my group. Bye." Blaine said it to both of the boys, but directed it at Kurt.

Again, Kurt didn't answer, so Zach said, "See you later," for them both.

Blaine walked back over to his friends. "That didn't look so bad," David encouraged.

"He could barely speak," Blaine explained before running a hand along the gelled side of his head.

"That's better than getting mad at you again."

"Can we change our eleven o'clock number?"

"To what?" David asked tentativly.

"Can't Let Go by Langdon Pigg."

"Isn't that what we sang for Wes when he was trying to get his girlfriend back?"

"Yeah. Please? I'll be forever in all of you guys' debt."

"I don't know Kurt. We haven't practiced it in months."

"Please? I have to try something. Some other approach to reaching him. We don't need all the fancy choreography. We could all stand there in a semi circle for all I care. I just need to do something. Please?" Blaine seemed a little desperate right now.

David leaned backward and got Wes' attention. He whispered something in his ear and Wes nodded. Wes looked over at Blaine and nodded his head with pressed lips. David then started making his rounds to the Warblers to tell them that they'd be changing one of their songs.

Wes went over to Blaine and hugged him, giving him a manly pat on the back before releasing him. "Don't worry, Blaine. We're all on board. He's one of us too, you know. We'll help you get him."

"You all know?" Blaine asked.

"Blaine," Wes began. "We've always known. Kurt's like something of a precious jewel to you. He shines in your eyes when you look at him."

"Thank you," was all Blaine could come up with to say.

About an hour later, each group had performed at least one song and pizza was delivered, along with drinks, and the scrimmage became more of a social gathering where there happened to be people breaking out into song on the stage.

Blaine couldn't allow himself to enjoy his time because all he could do was watch Kurt holding onto Zach like an anchor for the entire time.

"You ready?" David asked at one point.

"Yes," Blaine answered.

The Warblers took the stage and suddenly, the rest of the singers took seats and sat, looking with anticipation at the all boys school in dapper uniforms.

They stood in a semi circle, as instructed, with Blaine off to the side, while the Warblers began singing their melodies, harmonies, and vocal instrumentals. Blaine finally stepped out front and center.

Well you're the closest thing I have

To bring up in a conversation

About a love that didn't last

But I could never call you mine

Cause I could never call myself yours

And if we were really meant to be

Well then we justify destiny

Its not that our love died

Just never really bloomed

Well I cant let go

No, I cant let go of you

You're holding me back without even trying to.

I cant let go

I cant move on from the past

Without lifting a finger you're holding me back.

And then we saw our paths diverge

And I guess I felt OK about it.

Until you got with another man,

And then I couldn't understand

Why it bothered me so.

How we didn't die we just

Never had a chance to grow.

I cant let go

No, I cant let go of you

You're holding me back without even trying to.

I cant let go

I cant move on from the past.

Without lifting a finger you're holding me back.

And it might not make much sense

To you or any of my friends

Though somehow still you affect the

Things I do.

And you cant lose what you never had

I don't understand why I feel sad

Every time I see you out with someone new.

I cant let go

No, I cant let go

No, I cant let go of you.

I cant let go

No, I cant let go of you

You're holding me back without even trying to.

I cant let go

I cant move on from the past

Without lifting a finger you're holding me back.

I cant let go

No, I cant let go of you

You're holding me back without even trying to.

I cant let go

I cant move on from the past

The music ended and as Kurt watched Blaine's eyes fall to the floor, he felt tears creeping up on him. He didn't want Zach to see his reaction to the song so he just got up and walked hurriedly out the auditorium door.

Zach was about to follow him out when Finn's voice caught his attention. "Blaine," Finn said urgently. "Go."

Blaine looked up pitifully at his name being called. He did as he was told almost instantly. Blaine jumped off the stage and ran for the exit. He was glad that Kurt didn't go running far because he was able to see him sliding his back down a wall to the floor, down the hallway to his right. Blaine gulped, put his hands in his pockets, and walked tentatively toward the beautiful boy sitting on the tiled floor.

When he reached Kurt, Kurt didn't look up. He sat looking straight ahead with his elbows on his knees and his fingertips holding his head up by his temples. "You walked out," Blaine stated nervously.

Kurt turned his head up to the olive skinned boy with tears glistening around his eye lids. He stood up and stared Blaine in the face. "You're not even trying," he said on the verge of tears, not meaning to make it sound like he was whimpering.

Blaine sighed deeply and felt every heart beat in his chest. He stayed silent, not knowing what to say.

"You begged me to believe you," Kurt continued, sounding exhausted. "You begged me." He sniffled. "And you sang that song with your friends like what you and I had never mattered."

"That's not what the song means."

"Yes it is. You sang that our love never died because it never had a chance to bloom. Blaine, it bloomed. You were my best friend, mentor, confidant; you were my everything. But I wasn't good enough for you. You could never call yourself mine because-"

"Please don't ever think that you weren't good enough. I love you, Kurt. I couldn't lose you. It kills me to think that I'd have a life that didn't have you in it. I couldn't bare risking being with you and watching you grow to hate me and leave me."

"Why would I grow to hate you? You thinking that is worse than flat out asking me to hate you." Kurt moved forward and held Blaine's face in both of his hands. "I could never hate you." There was a tremble in his breathing.

Blaine knew how hard it was for Kurt to be holding back his emotions because Blaine was holding back his. Inside, his heart was breaking into smaller pieces at the feel of Kurt's touch and his familiar scent being so close to him.

"I love you too much to hate you."

Blaine swallowed hard. "If you love me so much, then why are you with him?"

Kurt dropped his hands, sliding them down Blaine's neck and chest before giving them rest at his own sides. "He makes the hurt less. It's not anything. He knows what this is. I know it seems like I'm using him. I'm not. I do like him. Maybe liking him and loving you at the same time makes me a bad person, but I don't know what else to do."

"You could be with me and we could work on us together."

Kurt thought for a minute. His emotions battling inside him. He wanted so badly to lean in and kiss Blaine as if one touch of their lips would make everything okay. He wanted to tell him that he knew Blaine wasn't giving up on them and that the song was just a reflection of his feelings for seeing Kurt with Zach. But what came out was: "I would, but you could never call me yours."

"I never said that. That's not true."

Kurt backed up slowly. "Check your lyrics. You just did." A tear ran down each of Kurt's cheeks and he twisted his mouth before turning his back to Blaine and walking away.

Out of what seemed like nowhere, Blaine felt a gentle hand on his shoulder. He turned to see which one of his friends had seen the whole thing and came to comfort him. It wasn't a Warbler. It was Zach.

Blaine quickly wiped the tears from his cheeks. "What do you want?" he snapped.

"Same thing you do. Only I am positive I won't get it." Zach was calm and comforting, not jealous or biting.

"That's not funny. I saw the two of you at the theater last night. You both looked cozy. Don't tell me you don't have what I want."

"It's tragic really. You have his heart while he's in my arms, and he has yours, but doesn't know what to do with it." Zach looked down. "He loves you. I can tell from the way he looked at you before he admitted it just now. He'll never love me. Not even close."

Blaine suddenly felt sorry for Zach. He was right. Kurt even admitted it. Zach was nothing, but a consolation. "Why do you do that to yourself? If you know he'll never love you, then why are you letting yourself fall?"

"If it meant seeing him smile at you through those eyes just once and seeing what pure happiness looked like through him- wouldn't you?"

Blaine looked back down the hall in the direction Kurt went. "Yes. I would do anything to have him look at me like that again."

"At least you got to see it."

"I still don't like you."

"I still wish I were as good a man as you, despite the fact you hate me. Maybe if I were half of you, Kurt might love me half as much."

Blaine tried to ignore the sympathy and empathy he was starting to feel for Zach. He overlooked the conversation they were having and gestured with his chin down the hall. "So you'll be going after him then?"

"If you don't mind."

"You're the boyfriend. That's your role." He paused, looking Zach in the face for the first time during the conversation and saw the hopeful despair on his face. Once again, Zach was right. It really was tragic. "You should know that you'll be doing that a lot if you're with him: following him."

Zach smiled sheepishly. "I know. For the record, technically we're only dating, so I'm not the boyfriend." His smile went away. "I know you won't understand or believe me, but I'm sorry. I'm sorry that this is happening to you. That song was beautiful and if he truly believed that you loved him, he'd understand that the song really meant that he's all you can think about."

Blaine chose to overlook Zach's kindness like everything else he did during their discourse. It was easier to hate him than to like him because if he liked him then that meant Kurt was in good hands and Blaine could give up on Kurt and him ever getting together. "Go on. He needs someone."

Zach didn't answer or say anything else. Instead he just left Blaine watching the blonde boy walk off to consol the porcelain doll that once sat on his shelf.