The phone slipped from his hand. Kurt’s knees buckled and almost made it to the floor before it did. He crawled over to retrieve it and hit replay. He closed his eyes and listened to the message one more time. The voice on the other end was frantic and hurried. A garbled collection of words Kurt could barely make sense of, except for the last one. It came out of the phone as a whisper. It was a whisper he knew, and a word that had played in his mind like a mantra over the years. He played the message again and let that last word wash over him. He felt its impact just as he had so long ago. He jumped up off the floor and ran over toward the wall opposite his bed. He reached up and lovingly ran a hand over the framed collage that hung there.

He saw it everyday but hadn’t really thought about it in a very long time. Every piece had a meaning. The background was made from torn pieces of a Wicked poster that had fallen victim to a fit of hopelessness and anger. Those torn pieces represented a broken and lost dream. A small picture of Glinda represented the character he had, for just a moment, become oh so long ago. Just for a little while, he had taken her name so he could talk to a stranger’s warm whispering voice on the phone. The pamphlet he had gotten the crisis number from, had been cut and shaped into letters. The letters became a word that ran over the entire piece. It was the word that a voice had whispered to him so long ago. That word and the sincere voice made him see the possibility of a new dream, a new future. The same word that had just been whispered by the same voice, a few minutes ago.

COURAGE

Kurt thought that the stranger’s voice would be forever burned in his memories. It wasn’t until he heard it again in the message from Blaine that he really remembered. He laid his forehead on the cold glass that covered the piece. “Blaine, it was you. It was always you.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day earlier:

“Kurt darling, if you keep frowning like that you’re going to get wrinkles. Fair warning dear, the only botox I pay for is my own.”

Kurt had come directly from the airport to Nora’s studio. He thought if he went right to work, it would take his mind off of Blaine. He was wrong. He sat in the chair in front of Nora’s desk. Instead of paying any attention to what she was saying, he was waging war inside of his own mind. If he ran his hands through his hair, they were Blaine’s hands. If he pushed a finger to his lips? It was so he could hold fast to the memory of Blaine’s mouth on his. He brought his phone out of his pocket and tapped it to his forehead. It was as if he were trying to use the power of thought to get it to ring. It had been a few hours since his last text to Blaine and he hadn’t heard a word back.

A loud and deliberate throat clearing from Nora made him look up. “I’m sorry, what were you saying?”

She smirked and shook her head. “I was saying that I suspect I know what is putting that furrow on your brow.” She turned her laptop around and there in high definition was a smiling Blaine.

“Nora, why are you looking at that?”

“The next one is my favorite.” She advanced to the next photo. It was a close up of Blaine bending over to pick something off the floor in the choir room. It wasn’t of his face.

As Kurt tried to shrink down into his chair, Nora seemed to grow happier by the second. “I would love to hear the story,” she held her hand directly underneath the screen, “behind this one. Pun intended”

He knew that all he had to do to deflect her would be to joke or insult his way out of it. He opened his mouth to reply but his eyes were glued to her computer as she scrolled through all of the pictures he sent her. Most of which were of Blaine.

“I can’t do this today Nora.” He cringed when he heard the break in his voice. “I need to leave. After I catch up with my classes I will put in extra hours, I promise.” He stood and started to walk toward the door.

“Kurt wait.” She closed her computer and walked over to him. “I sent you to Lima to work on finding fabulous new trends in fashion. All you did while you were there was to work on getting a broken heart.” She brought her hand up and placed it on his cheek.

Nothing about Nora reminded Kurt of his mother. However, the feminine and maternal touch of her hand was enough to make him lose control. He covered his face with his hands and turned away.

“Come here dear.” She led him back to his chair and she perched on the edge of her desk. I’m right aren’t I? That beautiful young man in the photos stole your heart and kept it with him in Ohio didn’t he.”

Kurt pressed a fingertip to his lips and nodded.

“Well, well, well.”

He was immediately put on guard by the tone in her voice. The touching moment was over and the real Nora Norbert had returned. He was grateful. This was the woman he knew how to respond to.

“Are you telling me someone actually got through the diamond studded diva’s armor that you keep around your heart? Wait! Don’t tell me. Mr. Bow Tie was the first to get a piece of that tight little a….”

“Nora! Just because you don‘t have a sex life does not give you license to invade mine.”

“Honey, I know for a fact that you have never had a sex life. Or did you forget that you shared that with me?”

Crap. “Remind me again why I told you about my lack of a personal life?”

“It was the thirty first anniversary of my twenty ninth birthday. You had a few cocktails which led to you revealing, your lack of cock tales. Dearest, it is not my fault that you tend to over share when tipsy. It was awfully entertaining though.” She grinned like the Cheshire cat.

He actually smiled. It was moments like this that he loved Nora the most. Behind her crass exterior lurked a friend who just wanted him to feel better. “This is why I swore to never drink again. But to answer your question, we shared nothing more than a kiss.”

“If he had asked for more?”

Kurt met her steady gaze with one of his own. “I would have given him everything and anything he wanted.”

She cocked an eyebrow and shook her head. “Kurt I have seen male models stare in the mirror in self doubt after you turned them down. I have seen other men walk in here, get one look at you and practically beg to be your sugar daddy. I have talked to you about many first dates, but you have never mentioned a second one. Your answer is always the same. He wasn’t the one Nora. So what’s different about this man?”

“It‘s because he…. He is the one, Nora. He felt like family even though I had only known him for an hour.”

“Then why in the hell did you come back here?”

“You told me to! You said, and I quote. Get your ass back to New York or you will be the assistant to the manager of Starbucks, and not a world famous designer. So here I am as commanded.”

Nora frowned and pursed her lips, which considering all of the fillers in her face, was quite a feat. “Kurt, why did you really come back?”

“Because he let me go! Nora, do you know what it’s called when Cinderella has to get her own glass slipper back? Or when Sleeping Beauty has to rescue herself instead of waiting for her true love?“

“What Kurt?“

“Real Life. I told him I was going to leave, and that was it. He didn’t fight. He didn’t beg me to stay. He didn’t demand to come with me. He just let me go! He didn’t want me as much as I wanted him. There is no Prince Charming after all.”

After that outburst, Nora made him go home. Where he sat alone in his apartment and thought about Blaine, because he was trying not think about Blaine. His phone became another appendage. Kurt was fairly certain it had become permanently attached to the palm of his hand. He was still holding on to the smallest glimmer of hope that Blaine would call. Maybe once he went to his dad’s place and got the present he had left? But it had been hours since his text to Blaine and he had heard nothing.

His phone buzzed in his hand and he shut his eyes and hoped beyond all that this was the call he had been waiting for. He let his eyes open just a crack and looked at the name. It took every ounce of acting ability he could muster to sound thrilled when Mercedes announced that she was in town. They arranged to meet for brunch the following day.

Later once the lights of the city had started to glow outside his window, he unpacked his suitcase. He took the shirt he had worn when he had held and kissed Blaine. He placed it over his pillow. It was with some small amount of shock that his phone did actually detach from his hand. He placed it on the pillow next to him where it lay silent all night long.

He drifted off to sleep. A few minutes passed before his eyes flew open. He awoke thinking he heard a sound. Nothing. Blaine didn’t call, and he wasn’t going to. It wasn’t until about four in the morning that Kurt finally lost all hope, turned the phone off and tossed it in the chair next to the bed. The self-doubt and self-talk was getting loud and more vicious by the second. Filled with ‘did you really think’ and “how could anyone love y…’ and ‘did you really think a cheesy bow tie would…‘, until he raised his hand and waved an invisible conductors wand to end the insults. He buried his head down in the shirt-covered pillow and let the city sounds outside of his window finally lull him to sleep.

Kurt woke from a nightmare several hours later. In it, he had met the man of his dreams. However, his knight was too afraid to leave his castle so Kurt had to ride off into the sunset alone. He glanced at his clock. “Oh damn!” Seeing he had only an hour to get ready before Mercedes came, he ran to get ready.

It was only after he had showered, dressed and coiffed that he retrieved his phone. He turned it back on and almost dropped it when he saw that he had a voice mail. Trying not to have too much hope in his heart, because it just hurt too much, he listened.

“Kurt it’s Blaine. This will have to be quick because………… my charger. I got your present and………….”

Kurt would have clutched and pulled at his hair in frustration if hadn’t spent thirty minutes making it perfect. He could just make out a word here and there, as Blaine’s phone kept cutting off. This left Kurt to fill in the blanks.

“I’m so sorry ……………..call you. I was trying to ………………..soon as possible. I can’t …………... ……… to see you Kurt. Something happened when I………………..that I can’t wait to tell you about …….. That’s right I ……….You told me ……………..say goodbye. …………….for the rest of your life. I don’t ………love you ………….., but I just can’t hold it in any longer. ………I scare you off ……. Until I ……….just please know that I am so sorry I……………... It just took me awhile to find the ………... ……... Because of you …………the courage.”

There was a time when Kurt was a teen, he was so negative that he sometimes couldn’t stand to be alone with himself. It was before he came out and he was angry at a world that may not accept him. Angry with himself for hiding. So he compensated the inward negativity for outward barbs that he would sling at anyone in his vicinity. He eventually came out of that, but in this moment, he felt like that self-hating kid again. He immediately began filling in the blanks of Blaine’s call with the worst of his thoughts.

“He’s sorry. Sorry he had to call me? He was trying to what? Let me down easy? He can’t see me. He can’t wait any longer to tell me about how he really feels. He’s saying goodbye even though I told him not to. He’s sorry because he doesn’t love me.”

The rest of the call blurred in the echo of, ‘he doesn’t love me, he doesn’t love me.’ The replay didn’t stop until Blaine‘s last word, whispered in his ear.

“Courage.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kurt was running around his room gathering the clothes he had so recently unpacked. The fact that he was shoving them in the suitcase without folding or smoothing them was a red alert.

“Kurt. Kurt stop!”

He paused and looked at his friend. Mercedes had come in only moments before. He had opened the door for her and turned away without a word. She followed him, sat on his bed, and watched his mania play out with concerned eyes.

“Kurt talk to me. Tell me what’s going on. I have never seen you like this before.”

“I can’t. If I tell you then you’re just going to be reasonable and convince me not to do what I’m about to do.”

“Probably, but I’m your friend so tell me anyway.”

Kurt took a deep breath and launched into the entire tale. Only pausing for the occasional breath. He continued packing as he talked.

“So that’s it. That is why I have to go back and talk to him face to face. Even if he…” Kurt stopped long enough to clear the sob that was forming, from his voice. “Even if he doesn’t want to be with me, I want to at least tell him how he helped me years ago. And thank him, and maybe stalk him until he loves me.” He looked up at Mercedes so he could smile and show he was joking about that last part. Maybe. However, she was not looking in his direction. Instead, she had his phone in her hand and was staring at the screen.

‘Mercedes? This is the part when you have to go all logical on my ass. Tell me why I shouldn’t do this.”

“Kurt you need to stop talking and pack faster.”

“What? Wait, you’re not going to try and stop me?”

She looked up and held his phone out to him. On it was the picture of Blaine that he was using as his background. “Kurt, don’t you know who this is? This is your boy from the bar. That sweet and sloppy drunk from the parking lot of Scandals.”

He was too stunned to even respond, so he packed faster.