Chapter Two:  A Very Glee Christmas

          After another week of loneliness, Kurt tried harder than ever to get used to Dalton. He tried to involve himself in every aspect of student life that he could manage. But even then, Blaine’s words came back to him.

          “We’re a team, Kurt.”

          Some team. Kurt was suffocating in this building, in this uniform. He was afraid he would soon begin to forget who he was, after he had just discovered exactly who he was. Kurt found himself pushing everyone away. He didn’t go home that weekend, instead spending the entire time in his dorm room. He ventured out for meals, but he cut those short.

          So, when his phone rang and he recognized Finn’s ringtone he was surprised.

          “Hello,” Kurt answered.

          “Hey, Kurt. It’s Finn,” Finn’s voice was laced with excitement as it came through the speaker.

          “I know. Caller ID,” Kurt said, rolling his eyes.

          “Oh, right. Well, I just wanted to know when you were coming home. Burt says we have to wait for you to put up the Christmas decorations.”

          Kurt froze. Of course, Christmas break was coming up. Christmas was Finn’s favorite holiday, Kurt knew that. He knew he should join his new family in decorating their house, but the idea of faking Yuletide cheer made the cuts on his wrist twinge.

          “I don’t know, Finn. I have midterms this week. Tell Dad I said to put the tree up without me. I’ll be home next weekend for the start of Christmas break.” Kurt ran a hand over his face, wishing he could stay at Dalton over the holiday.

          “You know Burt won’t go for that but I’ll try anyway.” Finn sighed into the phone.

          “I’m sorry, Finn. But I really need to study. I’ll be home next weekend I promise.”

          Finn shrugged his shoulders. He started to say goodbye but Kurt had already hung up. Talking to Finn reminded him of his family:  his actual family and his New Directions family. It hurt too much and keeping up his pretending act was exhausting after several minutes of small talk.

          Kurt fell back onto his bed, curling up into the fetal position. He was tired of trying to fight back his tears whenever he thought of his friends in New Directions. He wanted to be with them, where he fit in more than anywhere else. Because face it, I don’t fit in anywhere, Kurt added to himself. He allowed himself a rare moment to cry, feeling weak for giving in to his emotions. He cried himself to sleep with that last thought.

          “If you tell anyone, I’ll kill you,” Karofsky threatened as he placed a hand over Kurt’s mouth, effectively keeping him quiet.

          Kurt trembled when Karofsky removed his hand, only to replace it with his mouth. He forced his tongue into Kurt’s mouth. Kurt’s impulse was to bite down on the muscle but he was too afraid of what Karofsky would do to him if he did fight back.

          So, when Karofsky tore Kurt’s shirt open, buttons flying everywhere, Kurt bit back a whimper. And when Karofsky reached for Kurt’s belt, he bit back a scream.

          “Kurt! Wake up!” Blaine shook him gently but firmly.

          He jumped, pushing Blaine away from him roughly. Blaine fell off of the bed where he had been sitting next to Kurt.

          “Kurt, what’s wrong?” Blaine asked worried, slowly getting to his feet so as not to startle Kurt further.

          He couldn’t stop his tears from coming. Kurt curled into himself, wishing Blaine would leave so he wouldn’t see him this way. He felt his entire body shake from the force of his sobs, which left him feeling raw and broken.

          “Shh, it’s all right. I’m here. You’re safe,” Blaine whispered to him, rubbing Kurt’s back soothingly.

          Kurt didn’t know how Blaine always knew the right thing to say, and he couldn’t stop himself from flinging his arms around Blaine, sobbing into the other boy’s shoulder. He knew he shouldn’t be doing this, that he had probably scared Blaine off with his overly emotional display. But that thought fled his mind when Blaine wrapped his strong arms around Kurt, holding him close and letting him cry on his shoulder.

          It took a while but Kurt’s tears finally subsided and he pulled away from Blaine, blushing deeply.

          “I’m sorry,” he whispered, embarrassed beyond belief.

          “Don’t be.” Blaine reached for his hand, rubbing his thumb over the back of the soft skin there. After several minutes of silence, Blaine spoke again. “Do you want to talk about it?”

          Kurt shook his head, but found himself speaking anyway. “It was Karofsky.” He tried to keep his tears at bay but was unsuccessful as he felt them overtake him once more.

          Blaine sighed unhappily. “What Karofsky did to you was wrong and it was not your fault.”

          “I know.” Kurt shook his head, trying to get rid of all the thoughts that jumbled his mind. “I don’t blame myself. I blame him. That’s not what I was dreaming about.”

          “What was it then?”

          Kurt took a deep breath before pulling back his walls and letting Blaine in. “I keep having this . . . nightmare where Karofsky rapes me.”

          “Oh, Kurt.”

          Kurt felt himself break into a thousand pieces as he finally admitted part of what was torturing him to Blaine. Blaine pulled Kurt into his arms, holding him tight to his chest. And Kurt let his tears fall. He gave up trying to hold them back and allowed them to overtake him for the third time that day.

          Maybe he couldn’t tell Blaine that he was cutting himself to push away the pain, but he could let him in this much. After all, Blaine had done so much for Kurt already. He didn’t deserve to be lied to more than was absolutely necessary. And some of the lying absolutely was necessary.

          So, when Blaine finally stood to leave an hour later (after Kurt had assured him multiple times that he was fine now), he carefully slid his walls back into place. But he instantly removed them again when Blaine turned back to face him from the doorway.

          “Promise you’ll call me if you have any more nightmares,” Blaine spoke, looking him seriously in the eyes.

          “I promise,” Kurt said though he wasn’t sure if he could keep that promise. But he knew he owed it to Blaine to try.

K/B

          Kurt skipped his lunch period to study in his dormitory the next day. He hadn’t seen Blaine since he had witnessed Kurt’s breakdown. He wasn’t avoiding him per se he just didn’t know how to act around him. Kurt was saved from thinking more on the matter when he heard someone whistling down the hall. He looked up in amusement when Blaine entered the room without knocking, a stereo in hand.

          “What’re you doing?” Kurt asked, unable to keep the smile off of his face.

          “I decided that you’ve been studying too hard. You need a break.” Blaine set the stereo down on Kurt’s desk, closing the book Kurt had been poring over.

          “Blaine! I was reading that!” Kurt protested. Anything else he might have said instantly died on his lips when Blaine took his hands and pulled him to his feet.

          “Yes, well I need help rehearsing ‘Baby, Its Cold Outside.’ And you are the lucky winner so. . . .” Blaine released one of Kurt’s hands to press play on the stereo, but keeping a firm grasp on the other.

          Kurt found himself singing before he knew what he was doing. He should be studying, but he didn’t care when Blaine was here looking so breathtakingly beautiful and asking for his help. Asking for Kurt’s help, not Wes’s or David’s. And when Blaine playfully flirted with him, Kurt flirted right back. He was unable to help himself.

          But the song ended much too soon. Somehow, they had both ended up seated on Kurt’s bed, sitting so close that their thighs grazed together. Kurt couldn’t stand the awkward silence. It left too many things unsaid all too often in life.

          “I don’t think you need any more practice.” Kurt blushed deeply as the words left his mouth.

          “Well, I just set myself up for a disappointment,” Blaine said.

          “What do you mean?” Kurt raised an eyebrow in confusion.

          “Whatever girl they scrounge up for me to sing with won’t sound anywhere near as good as you,” Blaine told him, bumping their shoulders together.

          Kurt felt himself blush, which he did all too often around Blaine. He opened and closed his mouth several times, not sure of what to say. He was finally spared from having to think of a reply when a knock came at the door and Will Schuester appeared.

          “Mr. Schue!” Kurt jumped to his feet, rushing to hug his old glee teacher.

          “Kurt,” Will said as he hugged the boy back.

          “I’ll let you two catch up. Thanks again for your help, Kurt.” Blaine grabbed his stereo and slipped out of the room before Kurt could ask him to stay.

          “So, is he your boyfriend?” Will asked bluntly.

          “No.” Kurt blushed. “But he is gay. And I think I might be in love with him. I call that progress.”

Will laughed. “I would agree with that.” He paused before asking, “Are you happy here?”

“Yes,” Kurt lied. “The classes are more challenging but I’m not getting death threats from any of my peers. I do miss everyone in glee though.”

“We miss you too, Kurt. And you may be a student at Dalton but you will always be a member of the New Directions.”

“So, what brings you to Dalton?” Kurt asked, gesturing for Will to sit down at Kurt’s desk.

          “Well, we’re doing a Secret Santa for the staff at McKinley, and I drew Sue’s name,” Will explained.

          “Say no more. You came to the right guy.” Kurt immediately began planning for Sue’s Christmas present.

K/B

          After spending all of Christmas Day with his family, Kurt finally slipped upstairs for some quiet time. He had managed to convince his father that he was happy at Dalton, whatever the case may be. The truth was Kurt was nearly as unhappy at Dalton as he had been at McKinley. At least at McKinley he could express himself fully. At McKinley, he had more than one friend. But at Dalton he was safe.

          The pain went straight to his heart. Kurt felt like he was slowly dying an agonizing death from all the emotional anguish. He removed his shirt as he walked to his bathroom, intent on finding his razorblade. He needed to stay strong. He couldn’t allow himself another moment of weakness.

          Looking down at his wrists, Kurt knew he couldn’t cut there again. So many fresh cuts already adorned his skin and there simply wasn’t room for more. So, Kurt brought the blade to his stomach, pressing it into the pale skin there. He gasped as the blade went in, blood pouring out. He pressed the blade in again, needing to feel more.

          When he was done, Kurt cleaned himself up. He bandaged his cuts with care, as always. Then he pulled on his silk pajamas and slipped between the sheets. Again, Karofsky found him in his dreams. And this time when Karofsky reached for his belt Kurt didn’t wake up. When the dream-rape was finally over, Kurt woke sobbing. He reached out for his phone, hardly aware of what he was doing or what number he was dialing.

          “Kurt?” a sleepy voice asked on the other end of the line.

          Kurt couldn’t answer. He couldn’t stop crying. He couldn’t pause to take a breath. He let the pain consume him completely as he sobbed into the phone.

          “Kurt? Did you have another nightmare?” the voice asked again.

          He cried harder, nodding his head as he was still unable to answer, even though he knew Blaine couldn’t see him. He began to hyperventilate. He couldn’t catch his breath.

          “Kurt, breathe. Just breathe. I’m on my way. I’m leaving now.”

          And that was how Blaine ended up in Kurt’s bedroom at two o’clock the morning after Christmas Day. Kurt had somehow managed to get himself downstairs in time to open the door before Blaine rang the doorbell and woke the entire house. When he saw Blaine standing in the doorway he collapsed against him, unable to support his weight on his shaking legs. Blaine instantly scooped the boy into his arms, carrying him up into his room. He laid Kurt down on his bed before climbing in next to him. Kurt curled himself against Blaine, burying his head in the boy’s shoulder. And Blaine held him tight, repeating over and over again that he was okay and he was safe because Blaine was there and he wasn’t leaving Kurt.

          That was how Burt found them the next day, asleep on top of the covers. Burt’s initial reaction was anger until Kurt lied that they had fallen asleep watching A Christmas Carol on AMC and that Blaine had Carole’s permission to be there. Burt believed his son because he never lied to him. Only he didn’t know that Kurt was lying to him constantly, and about the most important of things.

          Thankfully he didn’t notice the way Kurt flinched when his shirt grazed against his stomach.