Chapter Twenty-Seven:  The Spanish Teacher

Kurt hated Mondays. He always had. But now they were even more unbearable without Blaine there. He missed him at school, even if he still saw him almost every day. Blaine had yet to return to school. His operation had been successful but he had to continue wearing the eye patch for two weeks and had been instructed not to strain his other eye by reading.

When the last bell rang, Kurt made his way out to the student parking lot. He climbed into his Navigator and drove straight to Blaine’s house. Blaine’s mother answered the door, greeting him with a smile and a hug. Blaine was upstairs and Kurt hurried up them to see his boyfriend.

“Hey,” Kurt said cheerfully when he entered the room.

“Hi,” Blaine said half-heartedly from where he lay in bed.

Kurt frowned as he slowly walked towards his boyfriend. “What’s wrong?”

Blaine had been acting out of sorts ever since Kurt told him Rachel had gotten her NYADA letter. Kurt didn’t know what was wrong but he was determined to get to the bottom of it.

“Nothing,” Blaine answered, fidgeting with his comforter.

“Well something is,” Kurt said as he joined Blaine on the bed.

Blaine sighed. “I’m just worried that we’re going to be separated.”

Kurt’s face softened. He took Blaine’s hands in his. “That’s not going to happen, Blaine.”

“You don’t know that,” Blaine grumbled, refusing to meet Kurt’s eyes.

“No, you’re right I don’t. But I only applied to OSU as a precautionary measure. I’m a finalist at NYADA. That has to mean something,” Kurt reminded him.

“You’re a finalist. That doesn’t mean you’ve been accepted,” Blaine said harshly.

Kurt did his best to hide the pain Blaine’s words had brought. He knew Blaine didn’t mean it but what he said was the truth. Kurt knew Blaine was hurting and all he wanted to do was fix it. Blaine still refused to look at Kurt and Kurt didn’t know any other way to reach him so he began to sing.

Summer has come and passed.

The innocent can never last.

Wake me up when September ends.

Kurt would give anything to get rid of the pain and anxiety that plagued him. He knew Blaine was hurting now and he never wanted him to feel like he did. His innocence had been torn away when his mother died. Kurt knew all too well how cruel the world could be. He wished he could protect Blaine from the same heartache.

Like my father’s come to pass,

Seven years has gone so fast.

Wake me up when September ends.

Kurt wished Blaine would understand that OSU was not a sure thing. In fact, that was Kurt’s last chance. He would only go there if he had exhausted all other options. Kurt wanted to be with Blaine more than anything in the world. If only Blaine would understand that.

Here comes the rain again,

Falling from the stars.

Drenched in my pain again,

Becoming who we are.

As always, just when Kurt thought things were getting better, they got worse than ever before. He was tired of the pain. He knew his life experiences had shaped who he was but he didn’t want the pain to be part of him.

As my memory rests,

But never forgets what I lost.

Wake me up when September ends.

Kurt knew even if he did get separated from Blaine that wouldn’t mean they wouldn’t be together. Kurt would try to see him as often as possible, and no matter what his heart would forever belong to Blaine. But Kurt didn’t want to think about that. OSU was such an unlikely option that Kurt didn’t want to even imagine the prospect of being separated from Blaine.

Summer has come and passed.

The innocent can never last.

Wake me up when September ends.

Ring out the bells again,

Like we did when spring began.

Wake me up when September ends.

When the school year began, Kurt and Blaine had been happy. Sure, Kurt still had to deal with his anxiety and depression but Blaine had stayed upbeat through the entire thing. Now Blaine could only think of the possibility of them being separated. The thought clouded his mind.

Here comes the rain again,

Falling from the stars.

Drenched in my pain again,

Becoming who we are.

As my memory rests,

But never forgets what I lost.

Wake me up when September ends.

Blaine didn’t know what he would do if he was separated from Kurt. Kurt was his entire world and he couldn’t bear to be without him. He felt like his heart was being ripped out of his chest and they weren’t even apart yet.

Summer has come and passed.

The innocent can never last.

Wake me up when September ends.

Like my father’s come to pass,

Twenty years has gone so fast.

Wake me up when September ends.

Wake me up when September ends.

Wake me up when September ends.

Blaine curled into Kurt when he finished singing. Kurt wrapped his arms around him, holding him close to his chest. After a while, Blaine broke the comfortable silence.

“I’m sorry. I’ve been acting like a jackass,” he said against Kurt’s chest.

“It’s okay,” Kurt answered. “I just wish you would understand.”

“I’m starting to,” Blaine told him.

“Good,” Kurt said, pressing a kiss to Blaine’s hair.

K/B

Kurt was glad when Rachel invited him and Mercedes to her house for a sleepover. He hoped the night would prove to be a much needed distraction. They were sitting on Rachel’s bed, passing bowls of different flavored popcorn between the two of them. Rachel and Mercedes were discussing the love triangle in the movie, but after a while it was too much for even Kurt to handle.

“Girls, I appreciate you spending time with me while Blaine recovers but why are you being so weirdly emotional? Our periods don’t come until the end of the month,” Kurt said as he passed along a bowl of popcorn.

Rachel paused the movie before turning around to face them. Mercedes began to protest but Rachel cut her off.

“Can you guys keep a secret?” Rachel asked nervously.

When the two nodded Rachel pulled on the chain she wore around her neck. It had been tucked into her shirt so no one would notice what was on it. Kurt was shocked to see a small diamond ring on the chain.

“Rachel, what the hell is that?” Mercedes asked.

Kurt had a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach before Rachel replied.

“It’s an engagement ring,” she said softly.

“Shut up!” Kurt said angrily. He couldn’t believe his stepbrother would do something so stupid.

“Finn proposed,” Rachel said with a delighted smile, ignoring Kurt’s reaction.

“What did you say?” Mercedes demanded, leaning forward.

“I said yes,” Rachel said, holding her hands over her heart.

“Have you lost your damn mind?” Mercedes asked bluntly.

“I love him,” Rachel said.

“What about NYADA?” Kurt held back the desire to shake some sense into the girl.

"It’s still going to happen,” Rachel told him. “Broadway is still my dream, but in every single one of my dreams Finn is there. I know I’m going to be with him for the rest of my life. So do you promise not to tell anyone?”

“I’m going home right now to yell at Finn,” Kurt said angrily. “This is insane.”

“That’s not fair, Kurt! What would you do if Blaine proposed to you today?” Rachel said, pushing him back when he tried to get off of the bed.

Kurt pointedly looked down. Rachel took this as her answer.

“Will you please keep my secret?”

“Aren’t you scared you’re making the wrong choice?” Mercedes asked seriously.

“I have the right person,” Rachel answered. “The scary part was just choosing to know it.”

“Look, Rachel, I’m not saying I wouldn’t say yes if Blaine proposed to me tomorrow. I know he’s the one for me. I know we’re going to be together for the rest of our lives. But that doesn’t mean we’d get married tomorrow. You can’t just jump into this blindly,” Kurt told her.

“Finn and I aren’t you and Blaine, Kurt,” Rachel said before she turned back around and restarted the movie.

Kurt kept the rest of his thoughts to himself, deciding he would confront Finn later.

K/B

Finn was gone when Kurt woke up the next morning and he didn’t see him for the rest of the school day. He finally found him in the weight room after school had let out. Kurt entered the room, holding several papers to his chest.

“Hey, dude,” Finn greeted him with a smile. “Do you want to lift some?”

“No thanks, and don’t call me that,” Kurt said. “Why don’t you pick up these?” He set the papers down so Finn could see them. “They’re from Miss Pillsbury.”

“College brochures,” Finn said, looking over at the brochures. “You’re got NYU and Adelphi.”

“That one’s in Long Island,” Kurt cut him off.

“Thanks for the research but college isn’t for everyone,” Finn said as he continued to lift weights.

“Neither is marriage,” Kurt countered.

“I can’t believe she told you.” Finn dropped the weights back into place, looking away from Kurt.

“I can’t believe you didn’t. We’re supposed to be brothers,” Kurt reminded him.

“I didn’t want to put you in an awkward position with Burt. I don’t want him to know yet,” Finn said, standing up.

“Do you think something you have to keep from everybody you love might not be a good idea in the first place?” Kurt asked him, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Don’t get down on me about this, Kurt. Rachel’s the only good thing in my life.”

“No she isn’t, Finn. I know you’ve had a rough year but you’re a star. Just as bright as Rachel. You just have to believe in yourself,” Kurt told him.

“The proof is in the pudding,” Finn said, raising his voice.

“I’m not telling you not to marry Rachel,” Kurt said. “I love her and you’d be lucky to marry her, one day. I don’t want you to be in the background while she lives her dream.”

“I need to be honest with myself about who I am.”

“And who is that?”

“Not you.” Finn motioned towards Kurt. “Not Rachel.”

“That’s the point, Finn. You’re unique and I can’t see this proposal as anything but you giving up on yourself,” Kurt said, his voice laced with disappointment.

“No, it’s not,” Finn said angrily. “You don’t know how it feels to have your life blow up before your eyes!”

“Really, Finn? Have you forgotten what I’ve been through in the past two years?” Kurt asked furiously.

“Of course not. How could I with the way you cry all over everyone!”

Kurt shook his head, not believing what Finn had said. “Screw you, Finn.”

Kurt hurried out of the room. He had only taken a few steps when a grape slushie hit him like an iceberg. He looked up to see Azimio standing over him, laughing.

“Hey, fag. Why don’t you do everyone a favor and off yourself?” he laughed again before striding down the hall.

Memories flashed through Kurt’s mind as he collapsed to the ground. Every time he had been torn down and made to believe that he was nothing until after a while he began to believe them flooded back to him. He curled in on himself as sobs wracked his body. It took several moments but Kurt finally tore himself out of his thoughts. Anxiety clouded his mind and he knew if he didn’t go to someone that second he would give in and hurt himself. He ran back into the locker room, hoping Finn would still be there. Relief swept over him when he saw his stepbrother, forgetting what had taken place only moments before.

“Oh God, Finn,” Kurt said through his tears. “I can’t take this. I’m tired of the pain.”

“Tell someone else, Kurt,” Finn said. “I can’t fix you.”

Kurt stared at him in disbelief before he sprinted out of the locker room, racing through the halls until he found the nearest bathroom. He entered the nearest stall and locked the door before falling to his knees. Digging through his messenger bag, Kurt found his razorblade. He needed to see the blood streaming out of his veins, taking the bad feelings along with it. Kurt didn’t hesitate before pushing the blade into his arm, not thinking to be careful as he usually did. He continued to slice away at his flesh until there were ten parallel cuts, the last one deeper than the others.

Sighing in relief, Kurt felt the anxiety leave him. He wiped the blade clean and returned it to his messenger bag, pulling out his bloodstained ace bandage. Kurt wrapped it tightly around his arm. As he gathered his things, he realized what he had done. Guilt washed over him and Kurt bit his lip to stop himself from crying again. He made sure no one was in the hall before exiting the building and heading towards his car. He drove straight to Blaine’s house.

Kurt didn’t stop to greet Blaine’s mom before sprinting up the stairs and into Blaine’s room. He threw the door open, barely managing to contain his emotions. Blaine looked up when he heard the door open, frowning as he took in Kurt’s red rimmed eyes.

“What happened?” Blaine asked, sitting up in bed.

Kurt flung himself at Blaine, clinging tightly to his chest. He hissed in pain as his injured wrist rubbed against Blaine’s arm. Blaine knew instantly what Kurt had done and wrapped his arms around him. He held him for several long minutes before he pulled back.

“Let me see,” Blaine said softly.

Kurt whimpered but obediently pulled his sleeve up. Blaine slowly unwrapped the ace bandage, noting the blood had soaked through the material. He closed his eyes as he took in the ten self-inflicted wounds. Most had stopped bleeding but one continued to flow freely. Blaine pulled Kurt into his bathroom, sitting him on the closed toilet seat.

Blaine pulled out a first aid kit. He cleaned the wounds gently with hydrogen peroxide before putting a butterfly strip over the deepest wound. He then covered all ten cuts in a long piece of gauze, taping it to Kurt’s arm. Blaine put everything away before kneeling in front of Kurt.

“What happened?” Blaine asked.

Kurt told him about the fight with Finn, and then his run in with Azimio which caused an anxiety attack. He told him how he tried to go to Finn who only yelled that he couldn’t fix him. Blaine frowned when Kurt was finished, pulling him into his arms. He led Kurt back into the bedroom, sitting him on the bed before he pulled out his phone.

“What’re you doing?” Kurt asked.

“Shush,” Blaine said gently. He found the name he was looking for in his contact list and pressed dial. It rang four times before the call was finally picked up. “Hey, Finn. I know you got into an argument with Kurt but I was wondering if you and Rachel would be willing to come over to my house to talk it out.”

Kurt started to protest but Blaine shook his head at him. Blaine was relieved when Finn agreed, but not without reluctance.

“Why did you do that?” Kurt asked angrily after Blaine had ended the phone call.

“Because Finn is your stepbrother. He should have been there for you. He could have stopped this from happening but he didn’t do a damn thing but make it worse,” Blaine said. He sat down, pulling Kurt into his arms. He held him close until a knock sounded on his bedroom door.

Blaine went to open the door, inviting Finn and Rachel in. They stepped into the room hesitantly, pointedly looking away from Kurt. Blaine turned to Finn after the couple had sat down.

“When Kurt told me what you said I couldn’t believe you would speak to him that way. You seriously hurt him. And when he tried to come to you because he had an anxiety attack you turned him away instead of reaching out to comfort him. Kurt hurt himself today which would have been avoided if you had stopped being selfish enough to talk to him,” Blaine said furiously.

“Do you know how many times Kurt’s come to me?” Finn demanded. “The fact of the matter is I can’t fix him.”

“You should have tried to help him!” Blaine said, raising his voice.

“This is the same thing that it always is,” Finn said angrily. “Kurt hurts himself and someone else is blamed for it. Why shouldn’t he be held responsible?”

“I know you’re trying, Kurt. But we can’t always be there when you need us,” Rachel told him.

Finn shook his head angrily. “I don’t know how to tell you how this affects everyone around you. But I know one way I can make you understand.”

Finn went to Blaine’s iHome, switching Blaine’s iPod for his own. He queued up the song he was looking for and pressed play. Kurt was shocked as Finn began to sing.

Hands on the mirror, can’t get much clearer.

Can’t make this all go away.

Now that you’re bleeding you stare at the ceiling.

Watch as it all fades away.

Finn had seen Kurt like this many times before. He had seen Kurt have anxiety attacks and he knew Kurt felt like there was no other way to make everything fade away. And after he had done the deed he curled into himself, only paying attention to the fact that his pain was gone. What he didn’t notice was the pain his actions caused to the people around him.

From what you do, because of you.

You know I can’t be there,

Each time that you call.

I swore not to come, but I’m here after all.

I know by the look that I see in your eye.

I won’t stand around and I won’t watch you die,

From what you do, because of you.

What’s become of you?

What you do, what you do.

What’s become of . . .

Finn was tired of Kurt hurting himself. He was tired of getting hurt in the process. Kurt needed to accept that he couldn’t always be there to comfort him. Finn was so tired of seeing Kurt do this to himself that he had almost refused to go to Blaine’s house, but for some reason there he was.

Now that you did this, you ask for forgiveness.

Doctor, could you be my priest?

You say you’re mistaken, but look what you’ve taken.

You laugh as you lie through your teeth.

Finn knew Kurt felt guilty after each time he did it. He had heard him beg for forgiveness, which was always granted to him. Even when he had landed in the hospital, he was forgiven. Kurt didn’t realize how lucky he was that the doctors had saved his life. He didn’t think of how it affected their family to see him laying on that hospital bed. Instead he tried to keep each time he hurt himself a secret.

From what you do, because of you.

You know I can’t be there,

Each time that you call.

I swore not to come, but I’m here after all.

I know by the look that I see in your eye.

I won’t stand around and I won’t watch you die,

From what you do.

What’s become of you?

What you do, what you do.

What’s become of . . .

From what you do . . .

The second he had walked into the room he knew what Kurt had done. Finn wanted to leave the second he realized that but he didn’t. He stayed around, if only to let Kurt know how his actions affected him. Kurt was slowly killing himself and Finn wasn’t going to sit around and watch him do it. Kurt had changed from the person Finn had met two years ago. Now he was just a broken shell of that boy.

Hands on the mirror, can’t get much clearer.

Can’t make this all go away.

Now that you’re bleeding you stare at the ceiling,

And watch as it all fades away.

Finn didn’t understand why Kurt didn’t just stop. If he really wanted to quit he would. He didn’t understand that it was an addiction. He didn’t know that Kurt fought with himself every day to stop himself from cutting. Finn only saw Kurt giving in.

From what you do, because of you.

You know I can’t be there,

Each time that you call.

I swore not to come, but I’m here after all.

I know by the look that I see in your eye.

I won’t stand around and I won’t watch you die.

From what you do.

What’s become of you?

What you do, what you do.

What’s become of you?

Because of . . .

Kurt was crying by the time Finn finished. Blaine went to him, cradling his head against his chest. Nobody spoke for a long time. Finally, Kurt broke the silence.

“I’m sorry, Finn,” he managed to gasp out through his tears. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

Finn sat down beside him on the bed, placing a hand on his knee. “I know you didn’t mean to, Kurt. I just want you to know that it’s not easy for me to see you like this. I’ll be there for you when I can.”

Rachel placed a hand on Finn’s shoulder, speaking to him silently. Finn nodded. They gathered their belongings and left the room without another word. Kurt continued to cry even after they left. Blaine lay down with him on the bed, rubbing his back comfortingly. He wasn’t surprised when Kurt’s breathing evened itself out. It wasn’t the first time he had seen his boyfriend cry himself to sleep. Blaine didn’t have the heart to wake him. He watched over him in his sleep, trying to push Finn’s words out of his head. He needed to focus on Kurt, making sure he wouldn’t hurt himself again. No matter how much it hurt Blaine to watch Kurt hurt himself, he would always be there to help him. He loved Kurt and he wasn’t going to abandon him to himself.