Chapter Twenty-Five:  Yes/No

A month had passed since Christmas break, and Kurt found himself longingly looking back at the days spent carefree relaxing with his boyfriend. The new school semester had brought all of Kurt’s anxieties to the surface once more. And again, NYADA was at the forefront of his mind. The highlight of his day remained, as always, glee club. So when Will ran into the room Monday afternoon Kurt was eager to get practice started.

The club read aloud as Will wrote “Marry Me?” on the whiteboard. He turned around when he was done.  A huge grin was plastered on his face as he announced, “Yes, I am proposing to Miss Pillsbury.”

Will allowed the club a few minutes to cheer and offer congratulations before he continued. “This is the kind of news you share with family and you guys are my family. Guys, this has got to be perfect. So your assignment for the week is to come up with a proposal number.”

When the club was dismissed, Kurt headed towards his locker to drop off several unneeded textbooks before heading home. Blaine followed him, eyeing him carefully.

“Are you okay? You haven’t spoken much since Mr. Schue’s announcement,” Blaine finally said.

“I’m fine. Just jealous,” Kurt admitted as he unlocked his locker.

“Jealous?” Blaine asked, raising an eyebrow.

Kurt opened his locker door, pausing to look at Blaine. “I just wish we had the option of marriage.”

Blaine sighed, reaching for Kurt’s hands. “I know, love. And one day, when the time is right and we’re old enough, we will have the wedding of our dreams.”

“Legally,” Kurt stressed. He sighed unhappily. “I hate how unfair the world is. Who is the government to say who we can and can’t love?”

“I know. I wish things were different too. But I know nothing will stop me from being with you for the rest of my life,” Blaine said as he brought Kurt’s hands to his lips.

Kurt smiled, returning his attention to his locker. One day, he would marry Blaine Anderson. Blaine was right. Nothing could stop them from being together forever.

K/B

The week was passing quickly what with the excitement over Will’s proposal. Thursday evening found Kurt at Breadstix with Finn and Rachel. Kurt’s depression had returned and Rachel had hoped to cheer her friend up with dinner. Her efforts were failing though as Finn seemed almost as down as Kurt was. Kurt only wished Blaine had been there, but his parents were hosting a cocktail party and Blaine’s presence was mandatory.

“No wonder none of my dreams ever come true. I come from loser DNA,” Finn said morosely. He was still trying to cope with the news that his father had not died a war hero as he had thought but instead a drug addict.

“If you’re throwing a pity party, I want in,” Kurt said glumly. “I have as much chance of getting into NYADA as I do playing Stanley in Street Car.”

“The letters came out today saying who the finalists were,” Rachel told him. “Some people have already gotten theirs.”

“Did you get one?” Finn asked.

“No and I’m not going to. Not with the suspension on my permanent record,” Rachel said.

Kurt listened to her, his mood only worsening. “Screw this I’m getting a whole cheesecake.” He snapped his fingers for a waiter. “The future used to be some abstract idea that seemed so far off. The dream used to be enough. But now the future has the nerve to show up and it’s expecting us to do something and it isn’t interested in giving a lending hand.”

The evening continued much the same way until Kurt finally announced it was time to call it a night. He was struggling enough as it was and listening to Finn and Rachel whine was not helping him fight his urges to self-harm. He knew Rachel had meant well in inviting him to dinner, but it hadn’t helped.

K/B

The proposal went off without a hitch, and of course Emma accepted. The glee club left Will and Emma after offering words of congratulations, knowing the two would want a moment alone. After changing out of their swimsuits, Finn, Kurt, Blaine, and Rachel met in the parking lot.

“So what are the plans for tonight? It’s Friday night,” Blaine asked as Rachel joined them.

“Dad and Carole are going out on a date so I was just going to hang out around the house. We can all have dinner together,” Kurt suggested.

“That sounds perfect,” Rachel said with a smile. “We need some relaxation after all the excitement this week.”

“Great. We’ll meet at the house,” Kurt said. He turned to open the car door for Blaine, giving him a quick peck on the lips before closing the door behind him. Kurt noticed Finn giving him a weird look but chose to ignore it.

Once they had regrouped at the Hudmel house, Kurt and Blaine set about cooking dinner while Finn and Rachel chatted from the kitchen table. After everyone had served themselves, they made their way to the table. Kurt pulled Blaine’s chair out for him, smiling as Blaine sat down and Kurt pushed the chair in. Again, he noticed Finn watching them but tried to ignore it.

“Wasn’t the proposal perfect?” Rachel asked after several minutes of silence.

“It was perfect for them,” Kurt agreed. He turned to Blaine, winking as he spoke. “I think I’d prefer something more private. Just the two of us.”

Blaine laughed. “One day, you will get your dream proposal to go along with your dream wedding,” Blaine promised him.

“I know. I already have the dream guy,” Kurt said as he leaned over to kiss Blaine quickly. He stood from the table, taking Blaine’s empty plate from him and placing it with his own plate in the dishwasher. When he returned to the table, Finn was watching him once more.

“It’s funny,” Finn said after Kurt had sat down. “But I always thought you were the girl.”

“What do you mean?” Kurt asked slowly, though he had a good idea of exactly what Finn meant.

“I just always thought you were the girl in your relationship,” Finn said before taking a sip of water.

Blaine looked up at Kurt, not surprised to see his eyes brimmed with tears. Kurt wrapped his arms around his middle, trying to hold himself together. Blaine turned on Finn.

“Do you know how offensive that is? Do you even realize how much you just hurt your stepbrother?” Blaine asked harshly.

“There’s nothing wrong with being a girl,” Finn said, confused.

“Of course there isn’t! But he’s not a girl!” Blaine shouted. “There is no girl in a relationship with two guys, Finn!”

“Isn’t there?” Finn asked, not catching on. “I mean someone has to be the bottom.”

“Not that I want to go into any details but sex with two men doesn’t always have to have a standard. You’re allowed to have your preferences and you’re allowed to switch. There are still two men in the relationship!” Blaine exclaimed.

Kurt wasn’t listening to Blaine and Finn anymore. Finn’s comment had stirred up a lot of feelings in Kurt that he thought were long gone. Once again, he was reminded that he was too feminine. Too imperfect. Too weak. But Kurt remembered how to make himself strong and there was only one way to do so. Kurt pushed back from the table, hurrying out of the room before anyone could stop him. Blaine was too busy screaming at Finn to notice immediately but Rachel had watched him leave. Rachel acted on instinct.

“Kurt, don’t!” she yelled. She took off after him, not waiting on the other two to catch up with what was happening.

Blaine heard Rachel yell and knew immediately what Kurt was about to do. He flew up the stairs just as Rachel was entering Kurt’s room. Kurt was sitting on the floor next to his messenger bag, razorblade already in hand. Blaine hurried to his side, trying to pull the razor out of Kurt’s grasp.

“No!” Kurt screamed. He managed to wrench himself free of Blaine’s grasp, running into his bathroom. He tried to shut the door but Blaine jammed it with his foot. He pushed the door open, making another grab for the razor as Kurt brought it down to his skin.

Blaine grasped Kurt’s hand in his, pulling the blade away from his wrist. Kurt was holding on tightly. Rachel and Finn were unable to do anything but watch in horror as they wrestled for the razor. Kurt was trying to pull it towards himself as Blaine pulled it away from him. Finally, Blaine overpowered him and managed to fling the razor across the room.

“No! Don’t, please! Just let me fix it!” Kurt screamed. He fell to his knees, completely broken. “I can’t. I’m weak. Just let me make myself strong again.”

Blaine was crying now too. He hated seeing Kurt in so much pain. He knew what Finn had said had hurt him and brought him back to all the times he had been bullied. Blaine pulled Kurt into his arms, holding him as tight as possible without hurting him. Kurt sobbed against his chest, his hand clutching Blaine’s shirt.

“Please, just make it go away,” Kurt pleaded. He began to struggle against Blaine again, but Blaine wasn’t giving in. He continued to hold Kurt close, not letting him escape his arms.

“I can’t, Kurt. I can’t. Watching you hurt yourself kills me. I won’t let you do it,” Blaine said through his tears.

Kurt stopped struggling but only to move his hands to his upper arms under the sleeves of his shirt. He dug his nails into his arms, breaking the skin easily. Too late, Blaine realized what he was doing and took Kurt’s hands in his, holding them away from his body. Kurt struggled for a few seconds before collapsing against Blaine. Blaine pressed his cheek to the top of Kurt’s head as he began to sing.

What happens to a man when,

He spills his heart on a page and,

He watches words flow away then.

His feelings lie on the page alone,

There waiting,

For someone who cares to read them.

To open their eyes to see them,

To see if they can make his thoughts their own,

To find out that maybe your life's not perfect.

Maybe it's not worth what he gives away.

For Blaine, it was never a struggle to be with Kurt. It was never a struggle to love Kurt. But it was a struggle to watch Kurt when he was in so much pain. Blaine knew it was selfish, but he wished Kurt knew how much it hurt Blaine to watch him put himself through this. Seeing Kurt fresh with his own blood, a blade in his hand, trying to stop the pain – that hurt Blaine more than anything else ever could.

You can see that this broken soul is bleeding.

So you concede your feelings inside yourself,

And wander through my heart.

Letting you see through me,

Now only consumes me.

Forget your pain, watch me fall apart.

Hearing Kurt beg for the blade broke Blaine’s heart. He hoped Kurt would understand in the morning why he had done what he had done. But for now he knew Kurt was likely to be upset with him for stopping him. But if it kept Kurt from hurting himself, Blaine would take it.

What happens to a soul when,

It's trapped inside his emotions.

And all of these words he's spoken,

They bind him to the life he's left behind.

And every new step he takes,

He knows that he might not make it.

To all of these dreams that he has yet to find.

Blaine wished Kurt would reach for something else before he reached for the razor. And sometimes he did. Sometimes Kurt would sing out his feelings, or talk them out. But tonight something had snapped inside Kurt’s mind and he needed the razor more than ever. And he had been willing to do it in front of Blaine, which had only happened once before. That fact alone scared Blaine more than anything.

Maybe your life's not perfect,

But maybe it's not worth what he gives away.

You can see that this broken soul is bleeding.

So you concede your feelings inside yourself,

And wander through my heart.

Letting you see through me,

Now only consumes me.

Forget your pain and watch me fall apart.

As I fall apart.

In the morning, Blaine would attempt to talk to Kurt. They would have to schedule an emergency session with Dr. Madsen. But that was a small price to pay for Kurt not hurting himself. He knew Kurt had learned to cope in this way, and now that he had the damage was done. Blaine was just trying to undo that damage without getting hurt in the process.

You can see that this broken soul is bleeding.

So you concede your feelings inside yourself,

And wander through my heart.

Letting you see through me,

Now only consumes me.

Forget your pain and watch me fall apart.

As I fall apart.

Kurt was reduced to small whimpers as he continued to cry. Blaine held Kurt for a while longer before he got to his feet, lifting Kurt easily into his arms. Finn and Rachel moved out of his way so Blaine could deposit Kurt on the bed. Finn took a step towards them.

“Dude, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset him,” Finn said. “I honestly didn’t think it would bother him.”

“That’s the problem, Finn. You didn’t think,” Blaine said, trying to keep his temper in check. “But I don’t think this was completely your fault. He’s been having a hard week. What you said probably brought up a lot of old memories that he could have done without remembering.”

“That’s the point. I should have seen he was having a bad week. Hell, I never should have spoken to him that way to begin with,” Finn said guiltily.

“Kurt’s emotionally fragile, Finn,” Rachel said from his side. “You just need to try to remember that.”

“Let’s talk about this tomorrow,” Blaine said before Finn could respond. “For now, let me take care of Kurt.”

Finn and Rachel both nodded, leaving the room together. After they left Blaine went back into Kurt’s bathroom. He found hydrogen peroxide under the sink as well as some cotton balls. Returning to the bedroom, Blaine pulled Kurt up to a sitting position. He grasped the hem of Kurt’s shirt, pulling it over his head. Blaine cleaned Kurt’s scratches gently. They had already stopped bleeding but he wiped the dried blood away. When he was done, he found a pair of pajama pants in Kurt’s dresser. He grabbed two pairs, one for Kurt and one for himself. He helped Kurt out of his skinny jeans and into the pajama pants. Blaine made sure Kurt had laid back down against the pillows before changing himself.

Blaine slipped into bed beside Kurt, trusting Finn to explain the situation to Burt and Carole when they returned home. Blaine smiled when Kurt curled into his side, laying his head over Blaine’s heart on his bare chest. He knew Kurt found the skin-to-skin contact comforting which was why he neglected to find shirts for either of them. Kurt would fall asleep not long after, but Blaine stayed awake for hours, watching over his boyfriend.

K/B

The next morning, Kurt woke before Blaine. He watched Blaine sleep for a while before he couldn’t resist any longer and pressed their lips together in a soft kiss. When he pulled back, Blaine slowly opened his eyes.

“Hey,” Blaine said softly.

“Hey yourself,” Kurt answered.

Blaine sat up, stretching his arms high above his head. Kurt twisted his hands in his lap nervously.

“I’m so sorry about yesterday,” Kurt finally said.

“I know. But you didn’t do anything. That’s what matters,” Blaine told him.

“I did though. I scratched myself and I tried to cut. I would have if Rachel hadn’t followed me. If you hadn’t stopped me . . .” Kurt’s voice trailed off.

“It’s hard for me to see you like that,” Blaine said after a while. “I’ve only seen you like that once before. And, honestly, it scares the shit out of me.”

“I’m sorry,” Kurt said. “It was like I couldn’t control myself last night. I just felt so horrible and weak and imperfect. And I knew how to fix it.”

“You shouldn’t have to depend on cutting anymore. I wish you would depend on me,” Blaine said sadly.

“I’m trying.” Kurt looked away.

“I know you are. I just want you to be happy.”

Blaine tilted Kurt’s head so he was looking him in the eyes as he began to sing.

No more talk of darkness,

Forget these wide-eyed fears;

I'm here, nothing can harm you,

My words will warm and calm you.

Let me be your freedom,

Let daylight dry your tears;

I'm here, with you, beside you,

To guard you and to guide you.

Blaine’s greatest wish was for Kurt to be able to leave the past behind him. He wanted Kurt to be free from his painful memories. He wanted Kurt to rely on him instead of the razor, to come to him instead of the blade. Kurt smiled at Blaine’s song choice before picking up the chorus.

Say you love me every waking moment,

Turn my head with talk of summertime.

Say you need me with you now and always;

Promise me that all you say is true,

That's all I ask of you.

Blaine started the next verse as Kurt finished the chorus. Kurt knew from the beginning that recovery would be a long and hard road. He knew there would be many bumps along the way. But even now, with the events of last night fresh in his mind, he felt he could get through it with Blaine by his side. Blaine gave him strength when he was weak. Blaine loved him and never judged him. Blaine was his light in the darkness. And he always would be.

Let me be your shelter,

Let me be your light;

You're safe; no one will find you,

Your fears are far behind you.

Blaine knew Kurt was scared. But he would help him get through this. They would make it, one step at a time. And they would have their happily ever after. Blaine smiled at the thought as Kurt began to sing the next verse.

All I want is freedom,

A world with no more night;

And you, always beside me,

To hold me and to hide me.

Kurt gave his voice a rest as Blaine picked up the chorus this time. He took Blaine’s hands in his, brushing his knuckles against his lips. He could see them five years down the road, living in New York City. They would be happy and healthy. They would have each other and a bright future to look forward to.

Then say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime;

Let me lead you from your solitude.

Say you need me with you, here beside you,

Anywhere you go, let me go too,

Christine, that's all I ask of you.

Blaine stopped singing to let Kurt pick up the chorus, listening to his boyfriend’s beautiful voice.

Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime;

Say the word and I will follow you.

Smiling widely at his best friend and lover, Blaine lifted his voice up to harmonize with Kurt’s.

Share each day with me,

Each night, each morning.

Kurt looked deep into Blaine’s eyes as he sang the next line.

Say you love me!

Blaine brought up a hand to cup Kurt’s cheek as he answered him.

You know I do.

Again, their voices mingled together in a beautiful harmony.

Love me, that's all I ask of you.

Anywhere you go, let me go too!

Love me, that’s all I ask of you.

“I’m going to beat this, Blaine. I promise,” Kurt vowed.

“I know you will,” Blaine answered confidently. He lowered his lips to Kurt’s, kissing him deeply. And they both knew they spoke the truth. Kurt would get better, in time. And even if it took all the time in the world, Blaine would be by his side. Forever.