Chapter Twenty-Three

“Rachel and I might as well get used to a life of barista work and summer stock,” Kurt said as he filled out a job application for the Lima Bean. “There’s no way I’ll get into NYADA now. If we don’t win sectionals I pretty much have nothing to live for.”

“First off, I take offense,” Blaine said with a frown. “Second, New Directions is a mess. If we can’t come together as a team we’ll lose and I can’t do a thing about it. Every time I open my mouth Finn gives me this look. I want to help but I don’t want to start anything with Finn.”

“Hey, guys,” a snide voice interrupted them. Kurt frowned. “I was sitting over there checking out this guy and then I realize it’s you, Blaine! What’s going on? I haven’t seen you online lately.” Sebastian glanced at Kurt. “Hi, Kurt.”

He gave Sebastian a curt nod, wishing he would go back the way he came. Kurt turned to look at Blaine.

“We’ve been busy with glee club,” Blaine explained.

“Practicing for sectionals together,” Kurt said as he reached across the table to take Blaine’s hand in his.

“Congrats on winning your sectional competition, by the way,” Blaine said. “We’re up this week.”

“Well if there’s one guy that can whip the New Directions into a legitimate threat it’s Blaine Anderson,” Sebastian said flirtatiously. “Right?”

“Right,” Blaine said offhandedly. “I need another coffee.”

Kurt watched Blaine approach the barista once more before he turned his attention to Sebastian.

“I don’t like you,” Kurt began.

“Fun, I don’t like you either,” Sebastian cut in.

Kurt continued as if he hadn’t been interrupted, “I don’t like the way you talk to my boyfriend. I don’t like your smirky little meerkat face. I don’t like your obnoxious CW hair. I’m onto you.”

“Let’s get a few things straight. Blaine is too good for you. New Directions is a joke. And one of us has a bad case of the gay-face and it isn’t me,” Sebastian shot back. “By the end of the school year I’ll have Blaine and a Nationals trophy and you’ll still have that face.”

“You smell like Craigslist,” Kurt said maliciously.

Before Sebastian could think of a comeback Blaine had returned. Kurt was relieved when Sebastian didn’t stick around. Blaine took a sip of his coffee before picking up their previous conversation.

“I don’t know what to do. I want to help but Finn keeps getting in the way,” Blaine said with a frown.

Kurt sighed. “I don’t know what Finn’s problem is but if he doesn’t solve it soon I’m going to solve it for him.”

Blaine chuckled.

“What?” Kurt demanded.

“I just love it when you get all possessive,” Blaine said with a smile. “But don’t worry about Finn. You have enough to worry about without adding your stepbrother on top of that. The Finn issue will sort itself out.”

“If you’re sure,” Kurt said uncertainly.

“I am.”

Kurt wished there was something he could do to solve whatever problem Finn had with Blaine, but he knew if Blaine really felt he needed his help he would ask. For now he would stay out of it and let them handle things.

K/B

Kurt was beyond anxious. He felt like his nerves were frayed and he couldn’t tie them back together. It took everything he had to sit in the choir room and listen to the discussion of which band members would be joining them for sectionals so they would have enough members to compete. Finally, enough was enough. Kurt had to get out of there. He couldn’t deal with the pain anymore. So he did what he always did, he ran, figuratively of course.

Kurt excused himself from the group, hurrying to the nearest bathroom. He approached the sink, splashing his face with cold water.

“Are you okay?” Blaine asked as he came up behind him.

Kurt jumped, spinning around on the balls of his feet. “I didn’t hear you follow me.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. I left a second after you did.” Blaine took Kurt’s hands in his. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Kurt lied. He began to turn towards the sink but Blaine stopped him.

“Don’t do that to me. You do it to everyone else and I can’t do anything about it but you can’t do that to me,” Blaine said earnestly. If Kurt lied to him about his feelings then Blaine would have no way to help him.

“I’m sorry,” Kurt said with a sigh. “I’m just used to lying about how I feel. I don’t want everyone to know. They wouldn’t understand.”

“I think they would. But I can’t make you tell them anything. That’s up to you. But you don’t have to hide from me. You shouldn’t hide your depression or your anxiety, Kurt. It’s not healthy,” Blaine said.

“Neither is cutting into my own skin.” Kurt’s words came out harsher than he meant them to. He apologized immediately, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. Just, please listen to me. Don’t hide yourself from me.” Blaine opened his arms and Kurt moved into them. He buried his head in Blaine’s shoulder as Blaine began to sing.

Over mountains and sky blue seas,

On great circles will you watch for me?

The sweetest feeling I’ve got inside,

I just can’t wait to get lost in your eyes.

And all these words that you meant to say,

Held in silence day after day.

Words of kindness that our poor hearts crave,

Please don’t keep them hidden away.

Blaine knew Kurt was hurting and anxious. And Blaine knew Kurt’s every instinct screamed at him to pretend that he was okay, to run as far away as he could from his true feelings. But the fact of the matter was that those feelings were going nowhere. Even Kurt’s therapist, Dr. Madsen, had told him he had to stop his acting game. If he never experienced the emotions fully he would never cope with them.

For so long Kurt had coped with cutting, and now that he couldn’t do that he didn’t cope at all. He tried by talking and singing but those didn’t always help. And it was in those moments where the temptation to hurt himself was strongest.

More than anything, Blaine wanted Kurt to be happy and healthy. But he wouldn’t get that way by hiding his feelings away from everyone that cared about him.

Sing it out so I can finally breathe in,

I can take in all you say.

Holding out for something I believe in,

All I really need today.

I want to free your heart.

I want to see your heart.

Please don’t keep your heart hidden away.

Kurt knew he could tell Blaine anything, but there were days when Kurt just didn’t want to talk about his problems. But Blaine always saw right through his fake smile. Blaine wanted to free Kurt from his depression, this sickness that was taking away his beautiful smile. Blaine just wanted Kurt to stop hiding.

You’re a wonder, how bright you shine,

A flickering candle in a short lifetime.

A secret dreamer that never shows,

If no one sees you then nobody knows.

And all these words you were meant to say,

Held in silence day after day.

Words of kindness that our poor hearts crave,

Please don’t keep them hidden away.

Blaine wished Kurt would see himself as Blaine saw him. He was unique, one-of-a-kind. There would never be another person like Kurt, and Blaine was lucky enough to call him his. Yet Kurt was trying to hide himself away, and that killed Blaine. He wanted Kurt to shine so everyone else could see his beautiful light.

Sing it out so I can finally breathe in,

I can take in all you say.

Reaching out for someone I believe in,

All I really need today.

I want to feel your love.

Will you reveal your love?

Please don’t keep your love hidden away.

Kurt had calmed considerably while Blaine sang. Blaine’s voice always had a calming effect on him. He lifted his head from the crook of Blaine’s shoulder, looking him in the eyes. Blaine raised one hand to cup Kurt’s face, the other dropping to his hip. Kurt tilted his head into Blaine’s hand.

I want to free your heart.

I want to see your heart.

Please don’t keep your heart hidden away.

When Blaine finished singing, Kurt closed the distance between them. The kiss was short and sweet, but it somehow conveyed all that they felt for one another. Blaine smiled when they pulled apart.

“I love you, forever.”

Kurt smiled widely as he answered, “I love you too, always.”

K/B

Kurt was glad that Sam had made his triumphant return to New Directions, but his reappearance did nothing to calm his nerves. The fact was Sam was no Rachel. He was good but was he good enough? In Kurt’s mind, probably not. This was a singing competition not a dancing competition. Okay so Sam could dance. Dancing would not win sectionals. Blaine tried to soothe his nerves by reminding him that Sam was much better than the band recruits but Kurt was still skeptical. He was doubtful they would place at sectionals. Despite all of his worries, Kurt continued to attend glee practices. They were the highlight of his day as he could see all of his friends and spend more quality time with Blaine. He joined the group in practicing the choreography, no matter how pointless it seemed, and kept his thoughts to himself. He was shocked when Puck spoke up during rehearsal, expressing Kurt’s own concerns.

“Why does this even matter? We’re not going to win. Not without the girls,” Puck said in frustration.

“He’s right.” Kurt nodded.

“When the girls are up there dancing and bouncing around you can’t help but watch them,” Rory said sadly.

“That’s it then. We’ll take what’s most appealing about us as a group and use it to our advantage,” Will said with excitement. He couldn’t believe the idea hadn’t struck him sooner.

“How about something like this?” Blaine asked as he took several steps forward and spun around.

“Cute,” Kurt commented.

“Okay, stop,” Sam said as he pushed himself out of his chair. “Blaine, this,” Sam spun around, “is totally boy band. What we need to sell is sex.” Sam added a body roll for emphasis.

“What the hell is that?” Blaine asked.

“It’s a body roll,” Sam answered as though it was obvious.

“That’s not a body roll,” Blaine disagreed. He pointedly looked away as the other boys tried out the move.

“That is sex,” Sam said as he repeated the motion.

“Sam, that’s awesome. That’s exactly what we need,” Finn said as he got to his feet.

“This is not what we need,” Blaine disagreed. He couldn’t help but feel that Finn was only agreeing with Sam because Blaine was in disagreement. “We don’t have to resort to that. It’s cheap and it’s selling out.”

“I came back to win,” Sam said heatedly. “When you’re desperate you have to use your assets and this is our asset.”

“Of course you think that. You have to think that in order to sleep at night,” Blaine said angrily.

Kurt couldn’t believe Blaine had said that. He knew things were about to get ugly but he knew Blaine would not want him to fight his battles for him so he stayed put despite how badly he wanted to fix the situation.

“What the hell does that mean?” Sam asked though Blaine’s meaning was clear.

“It means that I’m not for sale,” Blaine said angrily.

Sam shoved Blaine but Finn and Will were there to push them apart before things got out of hand. Blaine walked out of the room after yelling back, “Forget it!”

Kurt’s instinct was to go after Blaine but as he moved to do so Finn stopped him. He looked up in confusion when he felt Finn’s hand on his arm.

“Let me go,” Finn said, not releasing Kurt’s arm.

“I don’t know,” Kurt said hesitantly.

“I know things haven’t been great between me and Blaine but let me go now. I can fix this,” Finn said earnestly.

Kurt sighed heavily. He wanted Finn and Blaine to have a good relationship but he needed to make sure Blaine was okay. Finn noticed this and squeezed his arm slightly in reassurance.

“If he needs you I’ll text you immediately,” Finn told him.

Kurt bit his lip but nodded. “Okay. But if I don’t hear from either of you in ten minutes I’m coming after you.”

“Okay,” Finn said with a smile before he started after Blaine. He found Blaine in the locker room, beating a punching bag. “Is that Sam’s face?”

“Yeah, yours too,” Blaine added as an afterthought. He glanced over at Finn, amused to see the surprised look on his face. “After being bullied for years I took up boxing. I also started the Dalton branch of fight club, which I obviously can’t talk about. What is your problem with me anyway? Ever since I transferred you’ve given me nothing but crap.”

“Honestly, I was jealous,” Finn admitted slowly. “I felt threatened by your talent. You made me question whether I was good enough. Look, I’m sorry. I’ve been acting horribly towards you and you did nothing to deserve it, especially after everything that you’ve done for Kurt. All of us need to be on the same page or we’re going to lose this competition.”

“What do you need me to do?” Blaine asked as his anger faded.

“We have the opportunity to be remembered at this school for the rest of our lives for doing the impossible. That begins right here with us. I want to be able to look across the stage at you and know that we did everything we could with no regrets,” Finn said.

Blaine pulled a glove off one of his hands, raising it to bump against Finn’s. “Let’s get back to work.”

“All right,” Finn said with a smile. “But you should probably shower first.”

“Good idea.” Blaine chuckled. “Kurt, you can come in now!”

Kurt poked his head in around the door. “How did you know I was out there?”

“Where else would you be?” Blaine asked affectionately.

“I’ll leave you two alone,” Finn said as he backed out of the room.

“Thank you, Finn,” Kurt said before the boy made it out the door.

“No problem,” Finn answered.

Kurt turned to Blaine, pulled off his other glove before unwrapping his hands tenderly. He pressed a kiss to each hand before steering Blaine towards the showers. Blaine turned the water on, letting it get warm as he undressed. He slipped under the stream of water, sighing as the warm temperature helped him to relax.

“Do you want to tell me what that was all about?” Kurt asked from where he stood across the room.

Blaine pushed his hair back from his eyes, reaching for the soap. “Finn apologized for being a jerk.”

“That’s not what I meant and you know it,” Kurt said.

Blaine didn’t answer until he was out of the shower, a towel wrapped securely around his waist. He dressed quickly before taking Kurt’s hands in his, looking him deep in the eyes as he spoke. “The way that Sam was talking about sex so casually bothers me. I don’t want sex to just be about fun for us because it never has been. It’s special and I don’t want anything to take away from that.”

Kurt’s expression softened. He wrapped his arms around Blaine’s neck before he responded. “Nothing will ever take away from that, Blaine, because it’s not just sex for us. It’s showing each other how much we love one another. We love each other and every second we spend together is special, even if it’s just lying around the house watching TV with my dad.”

Blaine smiled widely. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too. Now we should probably get out of here before someone comes to find us,” Kurt said as he pulled away from his boyfriend.

Blaine laughed but followed Kurt out of the locker room.

K/B

Kurt watched in horror as Harmony performed “Buenos Aires” with her glee club. He felt things were hopeless now more than ever. Blaine pulled him back in his seat from where he was whispering with Rachel and squeezed his thigh reassuringly.

“Don’t worry. We’re going to win this. We have one thing they don’t have,” Blaine said confidently.

“What’s that?” Kurt asked curiously.

"You,” Blaine said affectionately.

Kurt blushed but turned back to the stage as the Troubletones began to sing. The rest of the night was a blur and soon Kurt found himself parked outside of his house. They had won, just as Blaine had predicted. But Kurt was still worried. Blaine could tell but he let Kurt take his time in broaching the subject. He hadn’t been surprised when instead of driving him home Kurt drove him back to the Hudmel residence.

“Will you stay? I really want to cut and I don’t trust myself to be alone,” Kurt said softly. He didn’t turn to Blaine but spoke instead to the windshield.

“Hey,” Blaine took Kurt’s chin in his hand and gently turned him so they were facing one another. “Of course I’ll stay. But you need to talk to your dad.”

“I know,” Kurt said with a sigh. He pushed open his car door and waited for Blaine to do the same before they walked into the house. Burt was waiting for them in the living room as they had taken separate cars to the competition.

“Good job tonight, boys. I’m proud of you,” Burt said with a smile.

“Thanks, Dad,” Kurt said tiredly. Blaine squeezed his hand, reminding him that he was still there. “Can Blaine stay the night, Dad? I’m still really anxious and I don’t trust myself to not do anything.”

Burt’s smile disappeared as it was replaced with concern. He was glad that Kurt had the strength to know when he needed help but he still wished his son was well enough to not need help. But with all the stress the boy had been under lately, he wasn’t surprised that it was affecting him. Burt nodded.

“Of course he can stay. Just leave the door cracked and let me know if you need anything.”

“Thank you, Dad.”

“Thanks, Burt.”

The two boys disappeared into Kurt’s room. They changed quickly, Blaine finishing first and laying down on Kurt’s bed. Kurt climbed up next to him, laying his head down on Blaine’s chest.

“Why are you so anxious?” Blaine asked. The competition was over and he had expected Kurt to feel better after winning. His boyfriend’s anxiety continued to surprise him.

“What if Mercedes doesn’t want to come back to the New Directions even though her glee club lost? What if she doesn’t want anything to do with me?” Kurt asked.

“She will,” Blaine assured him. “Just give her time. I don’t know why anyone would ever walk away from someone as amazing as you.”

“Thank you.” Kurt pressed a kiss to Blaine’s collarbone. “Will you sing to me?”

“Of course, love. Any requests?” Blaine ran a hand through Kurt’s hair.

“Something happy.”

“I can do that.”

Blaine pressed a kiss to the top of Kurt’s head before he began to sing.

They didn’t have you where I come from.

Never knew the best was yet to come.

Life began when I saw your face.

And I hear your laugh like a serenade.

Blaine wished there was a time when Kurt could truly relax. Now was an example of when he should be happy, but instead he was anxious and depressed. Blaine knew Kurt couldn’t help his emotions but he just wanted to see his boyfriend happy.

How long do you want to be loved?

Is forever enough, is forever enough?

How long do you want to be loved?

Is forever enough?

‘Cause I’m never, never giving you up.

One thing Blaine knew for certain was no matter what happened in the future, Blaine would love Kurt forever. That would never change, no matter how Kurt’s illness affected them both. Blaine would always be there, until Kurt asked him to leave.

I slip in bed while you’re asleep,

To hold you close and feel your breath on me.

Tomorrow there’ll be so much to do.

So tonight I’ll drift in a dream with you.

Kurt began to relax as Blaine’s voice washed over him. He loved lying next to Blaine, resting his head on his chest. He felt safer in Blaine’s arms than anywhere else.

How long do you want to be loved?

Is forever enough, is forever enough?

How long do you want to be loved?

Is forever enough?

‘Cause I’m never, never giving you up.

Blaine smiled as he felt the tension leave Kurt’s body. He could see them cuddling similarly five years from now in their own apartment in New York City. He could see them in the future, married with children. They would be happy and healthy, the past no longer haunting either of them.

As you wander through this troubled world,

In search of all things beautiful.

You can close your eyes when you’re miles away,

And hear my voice like a serenade.

Blaine knew Kurt had drifted off to sleep, could tell by the way his breathing had evened out, but he continued to sing as he imagined their future together. Their pasts were both dark and filled with pain. But their future was bright and new.

How long do you want to be loved?

Is forever enough, is forever enough?

How long do you want to be loved?

Is forever enough?

‘Cause I’m never, never giving you –

How long do you want to be loved?

Is forever enough, is forever enough?

How long do you want to be loved?

Is forever enough?

‘Cause I’m never, never giving you up.

Is forever enough?

‘Cause I’m never, never giving you up.

Blaine pressed a kiss to Kurt’s hair before he allowed slumber to pull him under. The day had been stressful for them both with the competition but tomorrow would be better. The next day, Blaine’s words would ring true as Mercedes returned to the New Directions with Santana, Brittany, and Sugar Motta in tow. Things were beginning to look up.