Chapter Sixteen:  Purple Piano Project

Kurt was excited for the first day of his senior year. He hoped this school year would be better than the previous one. Blaine had still not answered his question about the possibility of him transferring, but Dalton's school year began the day after McKinley's and Blaine had another day to think. Unfortunately for Kurt, this meant he started the first day of school without seeing his boyfriend. In fact, Kurt did not see Blaine until after his own first day of school, Kurt's second. They were sitting in the Lima Bean, slowly sipping their coffees.

"Is everything okay? You're quiet," Blaine observed.

"No, I'm being passive aggressive." Kurt shook his head. "You promised you'd make a decision by the first day of school, yet there you sit, cute as ever but still donning your Dalton blazer."

Blaine sighed. "The Warblers are my friends, Kurt. I can't just bail on them. You know that."

"I do. But I also know you said you'd decide by today and you haven't. Just hear me out, okay?" Kurt pleaded. "If you stay at Dalton, we'll stay competitors."

"That's true," Blaine interjected.

"I'm just not sure that our budding love can survive that." Kurt rolled his eyes upward to the ceiling, knowing Blaine would pick up on his sarcasm.

"You're just afraid we're going to beat you at sectionals," Blaine said with a smile.

"No, I'm afraid that we're going to beat you," Kurt answered. Blaine laughed. "And I know what that does to you when I win. No, honestly I just want to see you more. I want my senior year to be magic and that's just not possible if you aren't in it as much as possible."

Blaine reached across the table and took Kurt's free hand, the other clutching his coffee cup. "I love you. You know that. I just need a few more days to think about this, okay? I promise I will let you know as soon as I decide, but that's the best I can do right now."

"Okay." Kurt nodded. "I can respect that."

Kurt enjoyed the rest of his coffee date with Blaine, though it ended much too soon as Blaine had to drive back to Westerville. Kurt returned to his empty house. Finn was at Rachel's while Burt and Carole had gone out on a date. This left Kurt to fend for himself for dinner. He cooked a quick supper, trying to push away the numbness that plagued him.

But try as he might, the nothingness would not leave him be. Kurt ascended the stairs to his bedroom. He wanted to hurt himself, to be able to feel anything. He didn't even feel alive anymore he was so numb. Instead, he pulled his phone out of his pocket as he lay back on his bed. He dialed Blaine's number and waited for him to pick up. But he didn't; the phone rang and rang until he heard Blaine's voicemail message begin. He dialed the number a second time, but again he only got Blaine's voicemail. Kurt hung up, biting his lip to fight back the tears.

Blaine didn't want to talk to him. He didn't want to be with him. That was why he was staying at Dalton, so he wouldn't have to put up with Kurt every day. Kurt pushed himself off of the bed, going to his iPod dock. He scrolled through the song list until he found the one he was searching for. He sang along with the music as he cried.

I hurt myself today

To see if I still feel.

I focus on the pain,

The only thing that's real.

Kurt allowed his tears to fall, no longer fighting them off. It was no use anyway, they were too powerful. The numbness continued to settle into his bones until he felt completely detached from reality. Kurt wrapped his hands in his hair, pulling hard. He just needed to feel something, anything. His hands moved to the tops of his arms, his fingernails biting into the skin. His flesh broke under his nails but it wasn't enough.

The needle tears a hole,

The old familiar sting.

Try to kill it all away,

But I remember everything.

Unable to take the numbness anymore, Kurt found himself in Finn's bathroom. Blaine had made him throw away his blades and the only one that remained was in his messenger bag downstairs. Instead of going to get it, Kurt stole an unused disposable razor from his stepbrother. Back in the safety of his bathroom, he tore the razor apart until he could get to the individual razorblades. He let the pieces of plastic fall in the sink, grasping one of the blades in his hand.

What have I become,

My sweetest friend.

Everyone I know goes away

In the end.

And you could have it all,

My empire of dirt.

I will let you down.

I will make you hurt.

Kurt knew he wasn't supposed to do this anymore, but what choice did he have left? He sang the next lines to the blade. He knew he couldn't think of the blade as his friend anymore. Things had changed. He was supposed to be getting better, whatever that was.

I wear this crown of thorns,

Upon my liar's chair.

Full of broken thoughts,

I cannot repair.

Beneath the stains of time,

The feelings disappear.

You are someone else,

I am still right here.

Unable to think of any other options, Kurt brought the steel edge of the blade to his wrist. He pushed the metal into his skin, watching as it opened and blood flowed out. The numbness disappeared as the red spread across his porcelain skin and the pain saturated his brain. He reveled in the fact that he could still make himself feel.

What have I become,

My sweetest friend.

Everyone I know goes away,

In the end.

Staring at his bleeding wrist, Kurt slowly came back down to earth. Realizing what he had done, he felt terrible. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. He was supposed to be getting healthier, finding different ways to cope with his emotions when they got to be too much. But now he had screwed up again.

And you could have it all,

My empire of dirt.

I will let you down.

I will make you hurt.

Kurt wished he could take it back, that he had never broken into Finn's bathroom for the blade but he knew he couldn't. What's done was done, and he had to confess his weakness to Blaine. He laughed to himself, there had been a time when he had seen cutting as strength but now he knew it was weakness. It meant he had given in.

If I could start again,

A million miles away.

I would keep myself.

I would find a way.

Hating himself, Kurt dropped the razorblade into the sink with the broken plastic. He knew he should get the blood out of the sink before it caused a stain but he couldn't get his legs to move. Kurt grabbed a hand towel from under his sink and pressed it again his wound, sinking to the ground. He leaned his head against the wall, allowing his self-loathing to consume him. He deserved what he got.

Kurt didn't know how long he sat there; he had no concept of time. His cell phone rang in the other room, shaking him from his thoughts. He thought it was Blaine's ringtone but he wasn't sure. Kurt pulled the towel away from his wrist, glad to see the wound had clotted. He noted his phone had stopped ringing, but made no move to see who had called. Instead he rinsed the blood from his skin in the sink. He didn't bother wrapping the cut since it had stopped bleeding already.

As Kurt turned the water off, his phone started to ring again. This time he was sure it was Blaine's ringtone. Kurt walked into the other room slowly, not sure of what to say. But it didn't take him long to cross the room to where his phone was lying on his bed. Sighing, Kurt answered.

"Kurt, thank God I was starting to worry. Are you okay? Why did you call me?" Blaine's voice relaxed slightly as he spoke, though he was clearly still concerned for his boyfriend.

"I'm sorry, Blaine. I'm so sorry." Kurt bit his lip, blinking back tears. He waited for Blaine's anger, for him to yell, but he didn't. He didn't even sound disappointed.

"Why?" he asked calmly.

"I was numb. I couldn't feel anything and I tried to call you and I tried to sing about it but it didn't help. I just couldn't take it. I had to make myself feel." Kurt wiped away his tears.

"I'm sorry, baby. I forgot my phone in my room while I was eating dinner. I'm so sorry. I should have made sure I had it with me." Blaine couldn't help but feel like this was his fault.

"Stop, Blaine. This isn't your fault, it's mine. I should have tried harder." Kurt knew exactly what his boyfriend was thinking. Blaine heard Kurt mumble something.

"What was that?"

"I hate myself for it."

"Don't. Don't do that. How can you hate anyone as wonderful as you? You just need to see this as this is where you are in your recovery right now. You will get better. It's a fight; every day is going to be a fight but we know that. And I will be with you every step of the way, supporting you. I'll be there to talk you down or to hold you when you cry. Don't beat yourself up over this, Kurt. Cutting is an addiction just like alcoholism or drugs. But we'll get through this together, one day at a time."

"Thank you." Kurt wiped the tears from his eyes.

"I love you, no matter what happens. I will always love you."

Kurt stifled a sob. "I wish you were here to hold me right now."

Blaine's heart broke at Kurt's words. "I wish I was there to hold you too. I promise that the next time I see you I will hold you for as long as you want me to."

"Forever then."

Blaine laughed. "I'm not sure your dad would approve of that."

Kurt giggled. "Probably not, but he does want me to be happy. And you're what makes me happy."

"You make me happy too, Kurt. Now get some sleep. I love you."

"I love you too."

K/B

Kurt sat down on the edge of the stage next to Rachel after singing "Ding-Dong! The Witch is Dead." He was trying to think positively about the NYADA social but it was hard to when the future was so uncertain. How did they know that they would even get into NYADA? And would Blaine still want to follow him to New York if he didn't get in the best school possible? He knew Blaine had his own Broadway dreams, but he was so talented that it wouldn't be hard for him to get any job in the music industry that he wanted. What if Blaine changed his mind about New York? Kurt's thoughts must have shown on his face because Rachel nudged his shoulder.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"Nothing," Kurt answered automatically. He was so used to denying there was any problem that he didn't think twice about it.

Rachel knew better than to believe him though. She gave him a look and Kurt sighed. He pressed the cut from the previous night against the stage floor before he spoke.

"I'm afraid Blaine will change his mind about New York," Kurt admitted.

"Why? Has he said something to make you think that?" Rachel asked.

"No, but-"

"But nothing." Rachel cut him off. "Blaine loves you. He'd follow you to the end of the earth if you asked him to."

"You really think so?" Kurt asked skeptically.

"I do. But if you are so worried about this maybe you should apply somewhere else too. It never hurts to have a plan B. Maybe you should consider a college here in Ohio. You'd be close to your father that way."

"But New York is my dream."

"I know it is, sweetie. And I'm not saying that you won't make it. I'm saying it doesn't hurt to have a back-up just in case."

"Do you have a back-up?" Kurt asked knowingly.

"Well, not as far as colleges go," Rachel admitted. "My back-up consists of going to New York and forcing people to listen to me sing until they realize how talented I am."

"But you have no back-up for New York," Kurt pointed out.

"I don't need one. And in the end, you won't either. But maybe knowing you have a second option will help with your anxiety. You need to stop worrying so much."

"That's a little hard to do when you have an anxiety disorder," Kurt snapped, getting to his feet.

"I'm sorry, Kurt! Please, let's just focus on making the most out of our senior year." Rachel grabbed his arm to stop him from leaving.

"It looks like that's going to be a fulltime job," Kurt remarked. So far his senior year had been anything with perfect. Their performance in the cafeteria had ended in a food fight, only one person had auditioned for the New Directions and Sugar Motta was horrible. Then there was the fact that Blaine was still at Dalton, no one had heard from Quinn, and Sam had moved to Kentucky with his family.

"Just because things aren't going great this first week doesn't mean they're going to stay that way," Rachel told him as she took his arm and led him towards the choir room.

"I hope you're right." Kurt sighed unhappily.

Rachel gave him a look. "I'm always right."

They both laughed, though Kurt wasn't completely sure that the girl was joking. He let her lead him down the hall, sincerely hoping that things would get better soon. He had already slipped up once and the last thing he wanted was for it to happen again.

K/B

Kurt had never been more exhausted in his life. Nightmares had plagued him all night. Around four in the morning, he had finally given up on sleep. Now he deeply regretted that decision as he was forced to function off of the meager three hours he had slept nightmare free.

Standing in front of his locker, Kurt looked into the mirror and sighed. He was so tired he had forgotten to style his hair that morning. It was almost lunchtime and he had only just noticed. Glad that he kept a canister of hairspray with him at all times, Kurt quickly fixed his hair into place. He put the hairspray back in his locker and picked up his books.

"Hey you," a familiar voice said cheerfully.

Kurt turned to see Blaine. He closed his locker door and turned to face him.

"Well aren't you a sight for these sores eyes." Kurt hugged his textbooks to his chest.

"Bad morning?" Blaine asked sympathetically.

"Bad week more like it," Kurt answered. He slipped his books into his messenger bag. "Wait, why are you here? Shouldn't you be at Warbler practice?"

"Okay, for someone who loves clothes so much I can't believe you haven't noticed I'm not wearing my Warbler outfit," Blaine said with a smile as he followed Kurt down the hall.

Kurt turned on the spot. "Wait, wait."

Blaine allowed Kurt a second to process the information, tilting his head to the side.

"Oh!" Kurt flung his arms around his boyfriend, hugging him tightly. Blaine chuckled in his ear, holding him close. Kurt tried to pull away from the hug but Blaine was still holding on tight. "Blaine, honey?"

"I told you the next time I saw you I'd hold you as long as you wanted me to. And that's what I'm doing," Blaine told him.

Kurt laughed. They broke the hug at the same time. Kurt looked Blaine in the eyes, his mind whirling.

"Wait, you didn't do this for me did you? Because if you did this for me it would be very romantic for one but it could lead to resentment which could lead to anger which could lead to a horrible, horrible, nasty break-up." Kurt was visibly starting to panic.

"Hey, hey, calm down. I came here for me. Because I can't stand to be apart from the person I love," Blaine told him earnestly.

Kurt smiled widely. "Well, I guess we will have to find a way to ease you into the New Directions."

"I already have that figured out," Blaine said with a wink. He pulled Kurt out the door into the courtyard.

Kurt watched Blaine perform "It's Not Unusual" with a smile. He knew Blaine would fit in fine with the glee club, but the rest of the school was another matter completely. He knew how harsh their peers could be, and while he was nothing but ecstatic about his boyfriend's transfer, he knew the other students would not feel the same way. Especially the jocks.

He was torn from his thoughts as the piano went up in flames. Blaine put a hand on his shoulder, knowing it had shaken Kurt. There weren't any comforting words, but just the touch of his hand was enough.

K/B

Kurt felt numb, completely and totally numb. The NYADA social had been disastrous. This was not supposed to happen. He listened to Rachel as they sat in her car, still parked in the lot.

"I've never been so humiliated in my life." Rachel sobbed.

"Me either," Kurt admitted. "And that's a really high bar."

"They were so. . . ." Rachel's voice trailed off.

"Fabulous," Kurt finished the sentence for her. "Rachel, we might be hot stuff at McKinley but outside those walls we aren't even stuff. Have we been so deluded and arrogant? What if we're not good enough to make it?"

"We'll be stuck performing in community theaters." Rachel turned to face him. "Face it. This is our future. Not everyone's dreams come true."

"Okay, this is ending right now." Kurt adjusted Rachel's rearview mirror so they could both see their reflections in the smooth surface. "Look at yourself. What do you see?"

"Dashed hopes and dreams," Rachel answered.

"You're Rachel Berry," Kurt told her. "You're one of a kind. There's no one like you out there and there never will be."

"That's really funny because it seems like there is," Rachel disagreed.

"Okay, so you've never been in a high school production because Cabaret and Rocky Horror were cancelled. Maybe they have more experience. They have more talent. But you are fierce, Rachel. Your ambition does pushups while you sleep. Nobody wants more than you. Nobody. And you're not giving up, because I won't let you. You are getting into that school," Kurt told her passionately.

Rachel looked at him seriously. "You make me want to be your boyfriend."

Kurt laughed.

"You're getting in too. I know it," Rachel said.

"I doubt it." Kurt shook his head. "I have almost no extracurriculars."

"Well, it's not too late. You have an entire year left. There are plenty of other clubs, like student council." Kurt turned to her in disbelief. Rachel smiled. "I'm not the only fierce one. Swear it. We're going to do this."

Kurt smiled slightly with a nod. He extended the pink of his right hand, offering it to Rachel. Rachel wrapped her own pinky around his. They released the hold into spirit hands while they both laughed.

"You realize we just did the gay high five," Kurt said through his laughter.

"Yeah." Rachel giggled, wiping away her tears. "We did."

Kurt listened to Rachel sing along with the radio on the way back to his house. Maybe there was still hope for this year after all.

K/B

Blaine walked into the choir room the next morning, followed by Will. Will clapped his hands on Blaine's shoulders and addressed the group.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the newest member of the New Directions: Blaine Anderson!"

The group clapped, listening as Blaine made a little speech about making it to nationals that year. Everything was going great, until Finn had to open his mouth.

"What's wrong, Finn?" Will asked, seeing the look on the boy's face.

"I just want Blaine to realize we're not the Warblers," Finn said.

"I'm sorry. Did I do something wrong?" Blaine asked as he took a seat next to Kurt.

"Yes, actually. You set our piano on fire in the courtyard," Finn answered.

Santana leaned forward to look at Finn around Rachel. "Actually, that was an act of political protest."

"Which leads me to the next order of business," Will said as he walked towards the Cheerio. "Santana, you need to leave. You and the Cheerios set fire to our piano."

"Sue made me!" Santana protested.

"Brittany didn't do it." Will pointed out. "You're banned from glee club, Santana. Don't come back until you can be as loyal as the rest of the people in this room."

Kurt watched in disbelief as Santana stalked out of the room. He could tell she was trying to act like the ban had not upset her, but it clearly had. He listened to the banter between Rachel and Mercedes as Rachel suggested West Side Story for the annual school musical.

"Kurt, didn't you have something you wanted to say?" Will asked.

Kurt jumped to his feet. "I've decided to wade into McKinley's shark-infested political waters and run for senior class president! I thank you in advance for your votes."

Rachel applauded with a smile on her face. Kurt looked to Blaine, and could tell his boyfriend wanted to talk to him. They didn't find the chance until after they had joined in with the group, singing "You Can't Stop the Beat." Once everyone trickled out of the auditorium, Blaine confronted him.

"So you're running for president." It was a statement, not a question.

"Is that going to be a problem?" Kurt asked confusion evident on his face.

"I'm just surprised you didn't talk to me about it first. I don't think you should be adding to your stress level, Kurt." Blaine frowned.

Kurt sighed, taking Blaine's hand in his. "Look, if things get too intense I will drop out of the race but I promise it won't come to that. I wish you wouldn't worry about me so much. I need something to help me get into NYADA and this is it."

"I'm just afraid you're going to relapse from all of the stress and the pressure."

"I wish I could tell you that I won't, but we both know that I can't do that. Not yet. I don't know what's going to happen in the future. But right now, I want to get better. I don't know how long it's going to take, and I know there will be bumps along the way, but I will get better."

"I see everything that you've gone through, and are still going through. I just . . ." Blaine trailed off, shaking his head. He could feel himself about to break but he had to tell Kurt how he felt. So he did it the way he knew best.

Take a breath.

I pull myself together.

Just another step until I reach the door.

You'll never know the way it tears me up inside to see you.

I wish that I could tell you something

To take it all away.

Kurt listened as Blaine sang, knowing he meant every word. If only it were as simple as a magic word that would fix everything. But there wasn't one. There hadn't been one when his mom had first gotten sick, and there wasn't one now.

Sometimes I wish I could save you.

And there're so many things that I want you to know.

I won't give up till it's over.

If it takes you forever I want you to know.

Blaine had run away to Dalton to avoid his problems. And it had worked. But Kurt had not been able to escape until things finally escalated to his life being threatened. And by that time, Kurt had already learned how to fix his problems for himself. Now, Kurt was stuck. He was trying so hard to get better and to ignore the urges, but it was not always that easy. They both knew it would take time for Kurt to recover completely, but Blaine would be there with him every step of the way. No matter how long it took.

When I hear your voice,

It's drowning in the whispers.

It's just skin and bones.

There's nothing left to take.

And no matter what I do I can't make you feel better.

If only I could find the answer

To help me understand.

Blaine understood why Kurt had turned to cutting. He had never done it himself, but he knew that it was something many people struggled with. But that did mean he wasn't able to understand completely. Blaine didn't know how it felt to want to physically hurt yourself just so the emotional anguish would give you a second of reprieve. All he wanted was to take that pain away from Kurt and make it his own. And knowing that was impossible killed him.

Sometimes I wish I could save you.

And there're so many things that I want you to know.

I won't give up till it's over.

If it takes you forever I want you to know that

If you fall, stumble down,

I'll pick you up off the ground.

If you lose faith in you,

I'll give you strength to pull through.

Tell me you won't give up cause I'll be waiting if you fall.

Oh you know I'll be there for you.

Blaine knew Kurt was right when he said there would be bumps along the way. Recovery was not going to be easy, that had already been proven true. But no matter how many times Kurt would fall, Blaine would set him back on his feet and help him to continue on his way. Blaine knew there would be times when Kurt would just want to give up on recovery, but he would not allow that to happen. Kurt had to get better. He had to.

If only I could find the answer

To take it all away.

Sometimes I wish I could save you.

And there're so many things that I want you to know.

I won't give up till it's over.

If it takes you forever I want you to know.

I wish I could save you.

I want you to know,

I wish I could save you.

Kurt wrapped his arms around Blaine's neck as the song ended, brushing their lips together. Blaine's hands dropped to Kurt's hips, holding him there. When they pulled apart, Blaine took Kurt's right arm. He unbuttoned the sleeve and rolled it up until he could see the cut Kurt had inflicted upon himself earlier that week. The cut was healing properly, but had yet to heal completely.

"This was who you were. It doesn't have to be who you are." Blaine traced the wound with his finger.

"It won't be," Kurt assured him. "It won't be."