Chapter Six:  Sit and Watch

Friday September 14, 2012

“We can’t stay here forever,” Blaine said, running a hand up and down Kurt’s back.

Kurt sighed, tightening the grip of the arm that was slung over Blaine’s waist. He pressed a kiss to Blaine’s collarbone. Their skin was slick with sweat from their lovemaking and Kurt found he was actually relaxing, despite everything that had happened in the past few days.

“Can’t we just lock the door and hide away from the rest of world?” Kurt asked. He was too content to even consider moving. Unfortunately, his stomach rumbled loudly. Kurt grimaced as Blaine laughed.

“I do believe your stomach does not agree with that idea,” Blaine said, kissing the top of Kurt’s head before slipping out from under him.

Kurt let his head fall onto the mattress with a dull thump. He watched Blaine pad across the room, naked, and around the corner towards their bathroom. He heard the sound of running water. Kurt sighed unhappily as his stomach grumbled again. Kurt climbed out of bed and followed Blaine, wondering if he could distract him for a while longer.

Kurt successfully managed to distract Blaine, but in the end Blaine again reminded him they couldn’t stay in the master suite forever. After their shower, the two went into their respective closets to dress for the day. Blaine was already waiting for him, sitting on the bed when Kurt walked out of his closet. Kurt took three long strides forward before launching himself at the bed. He tackled Blaine, knocking him onto his back. Blaine laughed even as Kurt groaned in pain.

“Are you okay?” Blaine asked immediately as Kurt rolled off of him.

“Fine,” Kurt said through gritted teeth. “I forgot about the stitches.”

“Let me see,” Blaine insisted. Ignoring Kurt’s protests, he rolled up the right sleeve of his shirt to expose his forearm. Satisfied that he had not pulled out the stitches there he proceeded to check his stomach and thighs.

“I told you I was fine,” Kurt said when Blaine pulled his shirt back down.

“Well now I know that too,” Blaine replied, kissing Kurt swiftly before pulling him off the bed. “Come on, it’s time for breakfast.”

Blaine led Kurt down the stairs and through the hallway. Kurt froze as he stepped into the kitchen. He pulled his hand out of Blaine’s, staring at Cooper with wide eyes. He had been so distracted by Blaine that he had forgotten all about Cooper. Blaine looked back when Kurt tugged his hand away. He followed his fiancé’s gaze and sighed when his eyes rested on his brother. Blaine moved to Kurt’s side, wrapping a supportive arm around him.

“Take a deep breath. He won’t judge you,” Blaine whispered, pressing a kiss to Kurt’s cheek. Kurt nodded, drawing in a deep, shaky breath. Blaine ushered Kurt forward, walking around the table to sit across from Cooper, who had yet to notice the couple’s arrival as he was sitting with his back to the doorway. “Morning, Coop.”

Cooper looked up from the newspaper he was browsing. He smiled when he saw his brother. “Morning, Bee. How are you feeling, Kurt?”

Kurt opened his mouth to give his standard answer of ‘I’m fine,’ but Blaine caught his eye. He hesitated, closing his eyes and taking another deep breath before he replied, “I’m feeling better. . . . Cooper, I’m really sorry you had to see that.”

“Kurt, don’t apologize. I don’t know what you’re going through but whatever it is, you found a way to cope. An unhealthy way to cope, but you’re coping nonetheless. Who am I to judge you for that? But I do want you to know that if you ever need to talk, I’m here for you. I may not be the best listener, but I’m trying, and not just for Blaine but for you too. So if you ever need someone to talk to . . . just know that I’m here for you,” Cooper finished.

Kurt blinked back his tears. He had been afraid to confront Cooper this morning, but he knew now all those fears had been unfounded. Cooper had accepted him for who he was. Without a further thought, Kurt pulled Cooper into a tight hug.

“Thank you,” Kurt said when he pulled back. “You don’t know how much that means to me.”

Cooper clapped Kurt on the back, smiling brightly. “Anytime, Kurt, and I mean that.”

Blaine smiled as he watched the exchange between his brother and his fiancé. He had to admit he had not known how to expect Cooper to react to Kurt’s self-injury. That had been the furthest thought from his mind as he had left the café with Cooper following him the day before. All he knew then was Kurt might be hurting himself and Blaine needed to get to him as fast as possible. Cooper had certainly proven himself:  driving them to the hospital and not pressing for details. Yes, Cooper was finally becoming the brother Blaine had always wished for.

“So, who wants breakfast?” Cooper asked, pushing away from the table and heading to the refrigerator.

“You don’t have to cook, Coop,” Blaine told him.

“I know, but I want to,” Cooper answered simply as he pulled out a carton of eggs and placed them on the counter next to the stove.

Knowing there was no point in arguing with his headstrong brother Blaine turned his attention to Kurt. He was surprised to see his eyes were filled with tears. Blaine framed his face with his hands.

“How are you feeling? Overwhelmed, anxious, hurting?” Blaine guessed.

“All of the above,” Kurt said. The dam broke and tears streamed down his face.

Blaine pulled him into his arms, whispering comforting words in his ear. Kurt’s knees buckled and Blaine lifted him easily into his arms. He sat in a chair at the table, settling Kurt on his lap. Kurt pulled his legs up to his chest, curling into Blaine’s torso as he buried his face in the crook of Blaine’s neck. Blaine felt hot tears fall on his skin along with the warmth of Kurt’s breath. He looked up to see Cooper watching them with a strange look on his face. Blaine turned his attention back to Kurt, cupping the back of his head in one hand as he pressed a kiss to his chestnut hair.

Observing his brother and his fiancé, Cooper was again struck by how Blaine knew exactly how to comfort Kurt. He knew exactly what he needed and gave it to Kurt without him having to ask. Cooper was proud of his brother and the man he had become. His only regret was he had not been there to see it. Cooper walked over to the couple, sitting next to them he began to rub Kurt’s back in a soothing manner. Kurt stiffened at first but then relaxed. It took a while, but his tears finally subsided and he slightly pulled away from Blaine.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“Don’t apologize,” Cooper said in unison with his brother. They shared a grin but Cooper quickly sobered as Kurt’s sleeve slipped up as he wiped at his tear-streaking face. He couldn’t help but stare at the multitude of scars marring Kurt’s wrist. Kurt noticed his gaze and quickly pulled his sleeve down, blushing furiously as he averted his eyes. Cooper recovered quickly, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what you’ve been through-”

“I was bullied,” Kurt said suddenly, surprising both Andersons.

“Kurt, you don’t have to-” Blaine began.

“I know, but if I don’t start telling my story I can’t help other kids who are still suffering,” Kurt interrupted. He continued, “I’ve been bullied my entire life, but it got even worse when I began high school. And after I came out. . . . Every day I was tortured, and one day I finally broke. . . . After I started self-injuring, I couldn’t stop. I’ve been trying for two years and I still can’t stop.”

“But you will,” Blaine said in his most reassuring voice, and Cooper could tell he truly believed it. “You will get better. You’ve come so far already, baby. You can’t just give up.”

Kurt nodded, but didn’t reply. He didn’t have the heart to tell Blaine he had already given up.

K/B

Sunday September 16, 2012

Kurt was no longer himself. He had found the mask he used in high school and slipped it firmly back into place. Finn and Rachel didn’t notice anything, though both were sincerely worried after Kurt’s latest relapse. Kurt always assured them he was fine with a false smile before subtly changing the subject. And if Blaine noticed anything, he said nothing to Kurt.

But Blaine did notice. He had kept a close eye on Kurt over the past two days. Thankfully, he was good at hiding it and no one noticed anything, not even Cooper who had spent almost the entirety of the past forty-eight hours with his brother before he returned to Los Angeles. But now Cooper was gone and Blaine could focus his attention on Kurt one hundred percent. Blaine was determined he would discuss his change in demeanor with Kurt soon, but for now he was sitting on their bed pouring over his music theory textbook.

Kurt was tired of hurting. He just wanted to forget for a little while. But he couldn’t hurt himself, not when he hadn’t even gotten his stitches removed yet. Kurt just wanted to focus on something else, anything else, just for a little while. He smiled when he exited the bathroom and walked into the bedroom to find Blaine on the bed. Kurt climbed up behind him, sliding his arms around Blaine’s waist as he pressed kisses to his fiancé’s neck.

“Kurt, I’m trying to study,” Blaine protested.

“You’ve been studying for four hours,” Kurt pulled back to reply. He reattached his mouth to Blaine’s throat, sucking hard on his pulse point.

“Kurt, I’m serious,” Blaine said, trying hard to ignore the feeling of Kurt’s mouth on his neck.

“Come on, Blaine, take a break,” Kurt said persuasively. He slipped his hands under Blaine’s shirt, sliding his hands up Blaine’s chest.

“Kurt, stop. What’s going on?” Blaine demanded, turning to face his lover. “You’ve been distant the past few days and now you want to have sex? I’ve been patient with you but you keep pulling away. I can’t help you if you won’t tell me what’s wrong and I’m not going to let you distract me with sex when we need to talk about this.”

“I’m not trying to distract you,” Kurt said.

“Please, just talk to me!” Blaine pleaded.

“There’s nothing to talk about! I’m fine!” Kurt exclaimed, jumping to his feet.

“Bullshit! Something is wrong here, Kurt, you just don’t want to admit it. Dammit, I can’t sit here and watch you go through this again! You were supposed to get better, not worse!”

Kurt gaped at him. Blaine immediately realized his mistake. He had pushed Kurt too far. Kurt had heard similar sentiments from his stepbrother about his recovery progress, but never from Blaine. His eyes brimmed with tears. Kurt shook his head before fleeing the room.

“Kurt, wait!” Blaine called after him but it was too late. Kurt was gone.

Blaine sighed. He had really stepped in it this time. He knew he had to apologize but as usual, he wasn’t good with words. Blaine wracked his brain. An idea came to him quickly and Blaine descended the stairs. He peered into the living room, not surprised to find Kurt standing by the window looking out. Kurt loved the view of the city from their apartment.

Satisfied that Kurt couldn’t see him, Blaine backtracked and entered the library from the galley. He strode across the room to the piano. Blaine sat on the bench, hoping Kurt would know he meant every word he was about to sing. Blaine lifted his hands over the keys and began to play.

Can you forgive me again?

I don't know what I said;

But I didn't mean to hurt you.

I heard the words come out.

I felt that I would die.

It hurt so much to hurt you.

Blaine couldn’t believe how stupid he had been. He knew Kurt wasn’t ready for this conversation but he pushed him anyway. It was entirely Blaine’s fault; he was the one to blame. And now, because of his stupidity, Kurt was hurting. Because of him, Kurt was in pain.

Then you look at me.

You're not shouting anymore.

You're silently broken.

I'd give anything now

To kill those words for you.

The hurt that had flashed across Kurt’s face haunted Blaine. He was the cause of that pain. Blaine had regretted the words the second they left his mouth. And Kurt hadn’t said anything; no, he didn’t speak a word. He ran.

Each time I say something I regret,

I cry, "I don't want to lose you."

But somehow I know that you will never leave me, yeah.

'Cause you were made for me.

Somehow, I'll make you see

How happy you make me, oh.

Movement from the living room doorway caught Blaine’s eye. Looking up, he saw Kurt standing there, his arms hanging limp at his sides. His eyes were red and tear tracks stained his cheeks. Blaine was the cause of those tears. He had hurt the love of his life, the man that he was going to build a future with, the man that made him whole.

I can't live this life

Without you by my side.

I need you to survive.

So stay with me.

You look in my eyes

And I'm screaming inside that I'm sorry.

Kurt stepped into the room. He knew Blaine was truly sorry. He could see it in his face. Kurt’s own pain was reflected in Blaine’s eyes, hurting because he had brought Kurt pain. Kurt took the few steps remaining between them and lowered himself on the piano bench.

And you forgive me again.

You're my one true friend.

And I never meant to hurt you.

“That was beautiful,” Kurt said softly as Blaine let his hands fall from the piano keys. Blaine took both of Kurt’s hands in his, rubbing his thumb over the smooth skin.

“I’m so sorry, Kurt. I didn’t mean what I said,” Blaine began to apologize.

“No, stop,” Kurt interrupted. “You were right. I’m not getting better. I relapsed . . . badly. There’s no pretending that it didn’t happen. . . . I know this is hard for you. I ask so much of you. And, Blaine, if this is too much for you-”

"I’m never leaving you,” Blaine said quickly. “Never.”

Kurt smiled a watery smile, tilting his head down to brush his lips against Blaine’s. When they broke apart, Blaine pulled on Kurt’s hand. They made their way back up the stairs to their bedroom. Kurt fell back onto the mattress, pulling Blaine down on top of him.

“Please,” Kurt said softly. “I just want to forget for a while.”

Blaine nodded. He divested them of their clothes before lowering his body so he was pressed flush against Kurt. Kurt moaned at the feel of skin on skin. He pushed all of his worries out of his mind, focusing on the here and now, focusing on Blaine. Blaine slowly worked him open, and then he was sliding inside Kurt. They were as close as two persons could be. Kurt’s mouth sought Blaine’s and as their tongues snaked together Blaine began to move. Kurt lost himself in their lovemaking. Everything ceased to exist except the two of them. And then they were coming together, wave after wave of pleasure crashing over them. Blaine collapsed beside Kurt, breathing heavily. Kurt immediately curled into his side, resting his head over Blaine’s heart.

“We’ll get through this,” Blaine said after a while.

“I know,” Kurt replied, though he didn’t know. But he couldn’t tell Blaine that. Not now, not ever.

“I love you,” Blaine told him, carding his hand through Kurt’s chestnut hair.

“I know that too,” Kurt said with a sleepy smile.

“Forever,” Blaine promised.

“Always,” Kurt answered as he drifted off to sleep, dreaming of a future that seemed so far out of reach.