Chapter Five:  Dark Side

Thursday September 13, 2012

“We’ve got to get you to a hospital,” Blaine said, pulling Kurt to his feet.

Kurt leaned into Blaine’s chest, sobbing, “It didn’t work, Blainey, it didn’t work.”

“I know, baby, I know. Let’s find you a pair of pajamas so you don’t have to walk into the hospital in your briefs,” Blaine said, hugging Kurt with one arm while keeping pressure on his right forearm.

“I’ll find his keys,” Cooper said.

Blaine looked up in surprise, having forgotten his brother’s presence entirely. “Coop,” he began.

“Later,” Cooper interrupted. “Right now Kurt needs to get to a hospital.”

Blaine helped Kurt into a pair of pajamas before they got into the elevator and descended to the ground floor. Kurt continued to cry as Cooper maneuvered the Navigator through the city. Ten minutes later they were pulling up outside Bellevue Hospital. Cooper dropped them off at the front door of the Emergency Room before looking for a parking spot.

A nurse was already taking Kurt back as Cooper ran into the ER. Blaine was insisting he not be separated from Kurt.

“He’s my fiancé!” he pleaded with the nurse.

“You can come with him, but you’ll have to stay out here,” the nurse said, eyeing Cooper.

Blaine spun around to see his brother behind him.

“Go, Bee. I’ll be out here waiting,” Cooper told him, clasping his shoulder tightly. Blaine nodded before following the nurse as she wheeled Kurt down the hall.

The nurse took Kurt’s vital signs and then informed them the doctor would be in shortly. Blaine sat next to Kurt on the table, holding him close as he continued to cry. He held him until the doctor came in.

“Kurt Hummel?” the doctor asked.

“Yes,” Kurt answered in a small, broken voice.

“I’m Dr. Ames. What brings you in today?” the doctor inquired as he took a seat opposite Kurt.

“I cut myself,” Kurt said in a whisper.

“Let’s see,” Dr. Ames stepped over to stand beside Kurt. Kurt extended his right arm and slowly pulled the towel away. “These are self-inflicted?”

Kurt nodded.

“Have you had suicidal thoughts?”

“No,” Kurt answered quickly. “I wasn’t trying to kill myself.”

“Did you hurt yourself anywhere else?” Dr. Ames asked.

Again, Kurt nodded. He grasped the hem of his shirt and pulled it over his head. He pulled off his pants, letting the doctor examine the cuts on his stomach and thighs.

“Okay, Kurt, I’m going to stitch these up and then we’ll have our hospital psychiatrist come in and speak with you,” Dr. Ames said.

“Wait, what?” Kurt asked in a panic.

“It’s standard procedure. We can’t let you leave until we know for sure you are not in danger of a suicide attempt,” Dr. Ames explained.

“But I’m not! I told you, I wasn’t trying to kill myself!” Kurt exclaimed.

“Baby, calm down,” Blaine said, wrapping an arm around his fiancé.

Blaine was able to calm Kurt down enough so Dr. Ames could stitch up nine of his twenty-three wounds. Then the resident psychiatrist came in. Kurt talked to her reluctantly, knowing if he didn’t he wouldn’t be able to return home. Finally, he was allowed to leave. Kurt didn’t speak on the way home, and he avoided Cooper’s gaze altogether. Blaine knew Kurt was less than happy with the fact that his secret had been exposed once more, but there was nothing either of them could do about it.

Once they were home, Blaine followed Kurt up the stairs. He helped him take another shower and into a pair of pajama pants. Kurt slid under the covers, laying his head on Blaine’s chest when he had joined him.

“Will you sing to me?” Kurt asked.

“Of course, love,” Blaine said. He kissed the top of Kurt’s head as he began to sing.

You thought by now

You'd have it figured out.

You can't erase the way it pulls,

When seasons change.

It hurts sometimes

To find where you begin.

But you are perfect porcelain.

Blaine knew Kurt had expected things to get better in New York, not worse. Kurt thought New York would be everything he had ever dreamt it was, but it wasn’t. Yes, the city was amazing but NYADA was not the school he thought it was. Cassandra July was beginning to make him regret his choice to ever attend the school. And now, here he was, back where he began with fresh wounds on his body. But somehow, to Blaine, he was still perfect.

The slow and simple melody

Of tears you cannot keep from me.

It's alright if you don't know what you need.

I'm right here when

You need someone to see.

It's not speak

Or forever hold your peace.

It's alright to take time

And find where you've been.

You are perfect porcelain.

Blaine wished Kurt had come to him instead of turning to the blade. But he knew that, as always, Kurt would not talk before he was ready. No matter how long it took, Blaine would be there waiting. There was no time limit; Kurt could take as long as he needed. Blaine was never giving up on him.

The slow and simple melody

Of tears you cannot keep from me.

It's alright if you don't know what you need.

Right now, Kurt couldn’t talk about his emotions. He didn’t fully understand them himself. So he had kept them within, hiding them so deep inside that even Blaine had not seen them until it was too late. A part of Kurt wanted to break down and tell Blaine everything, but a bigger part of him didn’t want to admit just how bad things really were in his head. Until he had sorted things out on his own, he would keep them to himself.

Oh, when your heart releases,

You won't fall to pieces.

You'll let those old diseases lie

Oh, and your heart releases,

You won't fall to pieces.

And your breath comes crashing in,

Like perfect porcelain.

Kurt felt himself break into a thousand pieces. Blaine caught them all, but he couldn’t put the puzzle back together again. That was something Kurt had to do on his own. But maybe he didn’t want to. After all, if he was already broken he couldn’t get hurt again. Kurt closed his eyes and allowed himself to drift to sleep as Blaine’s tenor washed over him.

The slow and simple melody

Of tears you cannot keep from me.

It's alright if you don't know what you need.

Blaine slipped out from under Kurt, pressing a kiss to his forehead before he crept out of the room. He descended the stairs and entered the empty living room. There, Blaine collapsed on the couch and allowed his emotions to overtake him.

“Bee, are you okay?”

Blaine jumped, looking up to see his brother standing before him. He hastily wiped away his tears but knew Cooper had seen them. Cooper sat beside him, laying a comforting hand on his knee.

“I thought he was getting b-better,” Blaine said in a broken voice. “It had been so long . . . five m-months. I knew he was st-struggling with all the changes b-but I didn’t think he’d. . . .”

“How long has this been going on, Bee?” Cooper asked softly.

“About two years,” Blaine answered. “I’ve tried so hard to help him. He was getting better. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now.”

“The only thing you can do, Squirt. Be there for him. I obviously don’t know what Kurt’s going through, or how he got started in the first place, but I do know he can’t deal with this on his own. Kurt needs all the support he can get,” Cooper said wisely.

“I just want him to get better. I want him to be happy,” Blaine whispered.

“I know you do. But this isn’t something that’s going to get better overnight, Bee, or even in two years. Relapses happen. You just have to be there to catch him when he falls.”

Blaine began to cry harder. Cooper wrapped his arms around his little brother and let him cry into his shoulder. Cooper wished he could tell him things would get better, but he didn’t have a crystal ball or a Time-Turner for that matter. All Cooper could do was be there for Blaine and for Kurt.

K/B

Friday September 14, 2012

The next morning, Kurt and Blaine were pressed together as they slept:  Kurt’s back against Blaine’s chest. Kurt’s head was pillowed on one of Blaine’s arm while Blaine’s other arm was draped across Kurt’s waist. One of Blaine’s legs was slung over Kurt’s own and his gentle breath tickled the back of Kurt’s neck. Kurt woke slowly, blinking his eyes as they adjusted to the subtle sunlight shining into the room through the curtains. He glanced at the clock on his nightstand, surprised to see it was already ten o’clock. Blaine must have turned the alarm off so they could sleep in, not surprising considering how late they had returned from the emergency room the night before.

Kurt slipped out from under Blaine, groggily walking down the stairs and to the kitchen. He made a cup of coffee one-handed. Kurt peered down the hall towards Finn and Rachel’s room. The door was open meaning they had both left for school. As Kurt walked down the gallery to the staircase, he glanced down the hall towards the guest room. The door was closed. Kurt interpreted this as Cooper was still asleep. Relief washed over him. He didn’t know how much Blaine had told his brother but he was not ready for whatever conversation was sure to come.

He stumbled back up the stairs and into the master bedroom. Blaine was still asleep. He had pulled Kurt’s pillow over to take his place and his face was buried in the pillow. Berlioz was curled up in a ball, asleep in the crook of Blaine’s knee. Kurt chuckled at the sight before turning back out of the room and walking out onto the south outdoor room.

Kurt walked over to the edge, looking out over Manhattan. The city was always busy and this morning was no different. Kurt wondered if they were happy, content with their lease in life. He wished he was like that. He was so distracted he didn’t hear the door open behind him and jumped when two strong arms wrapped around his waist from behind. Kurt relaxed into his fiancé’s hold, turning his head to kiss him softly.

“Good morning,” Kurt said softly.

“It would be if you were still in bed. I missed you,” Blaine said with a frown, pressing a kiss to Kurt’s shoulder before moving to look out over the city beside him.

“I noticed,” Kurt said with a laugh. “You had your face buried in my pillow. Berlioz seemed happy though.”

“He’s not hard to please,” Blaine agreed. He paused before asking, “How are you feeling?”

“Fine,” Kurt answered quickly. Blaine gave him a look. Kurt sighed. “I’ll be okay.”

“But you’re not okay,” Blaine insisted. “Not now.”

“Do we have to have this conversation?” Kurt asked, turning away to walk back into the master suite in exasperation.

“Yes, we do,” Blaine said, following him as he walked into their bedroom. “You can’t do this to yourself, Kurt, not again.”

“Then what am I supposed to do, Blaine?” Kurt exclaimed. “Please, tell me if you are so knowledgeable about my feelings!”

“Kurt-”

“No, don’t! Don’t you dare, Blaine Anderson! You don’t get to tell me how to deal with my emotions. You don’t get to tell me how I’m supposed to feel!” Kurt fought back his tears as his emotions bubbled over.

 “I just want you to be happy,” Blaine said with hurt-filled eyes as his voice broke.

“But I’m not. I’m not happy! Can’t you just accept that? I can’t help it. It’s not something I chose. You know that as well as I do! I can’t do this, Blaine. I can’t deal with this. I’m coping the only way I know how,” the fight was slowly leaving Kurt. He suddenly felt very tired, but he wasn’t done yet. He had to make Blaine understand, here and now, or he knew he would never let it go. “I just hope I don’t lose you because of it.”

“Kurt, please-”

“No, don’t, just . . . just listen,” Kurt interrupted. He couldn’t express how he was feeling, not through words alone, but he could tell him in the best way he knew how:  through music. Kurt drew in a deep breath before he began to sing.

There's a place that I know,

It's not pretty there and few have ever gone.

If I show it to you now,

Will it make you run away?

Blaine had seen Kurt at his darkest, a place that virtually no one had seen before. Kurt had shown Blaine of his own volition, something he had never done before. Kurt’s deepest fear was someone else would discover this part of himself. He was afraid it would scare people away.

Or will you stay?

Even if it hurts,

Even if I try to push you out,

Will you return?

And remind me who I really am.

Please remind me who I really am.

Even more than he feared the discovery of his secret, Kurt was afraid of losing Blaine. What if he decided that this was too much? What if he couldn’t deal with this anymore? Where would that leave Kurt? He couldn’t live without Blaine. Kurt had been pushing Blaine away, he knew that. He had hid his feelings deep inside himself, afraid he would lose Blaine if he made them known. Kurt felt he had lost himself as a consequence. He just wanted Blaine to find him in this mess and bring him back.

Everybody's got a dark side.

Do you love me?

Can you love mine?

Nobody's a picture perfect.

But we're worth it.

You know that we're worth it.

Will you love me?

Even with my dark side?

Kurt loved Blaine more than he had ever loved anything. He had seen the darkest side of Kurt, and he had stayed despite everything Kurt had put him through. But how much was too much? Kurt knew he was falling again. Would Blaine love him still? Would he embrace Kurt:  hardships and all?

Like a diamond,

From black dust.

It's hard to know,

What can become,

If you give up.

So don't give up on me.

Please remind me who I really am.

If Blaine left him, Kurt didn’t know how he would survive. If Blaine gave up on him, how would Kurt find the strength to continue on? He needed Blaine to believe in him, because Kurt didn’t believe in himself. Blaine was his strength, his rock, his protector, his everything.

Everybody's got a dark side.

Do you love me?

Can you love mine?

Nobody's a picture perfect.

But we're worth it.

You know that we're worth it.

Will you love me?

Even with my dark side?

No one was perfect; Kurt had proved that to Blaine time and time again. Blaine had accepted his flaws, knowing they made Kurt who he was. Yes, Kurt’s depression and self-injury made things harder than most relationships, but Blaine knew their love was worth the fight. Kurt was worth the fight.

Don't run away.

Don't run away.

Just tell me that you will stay.

Promise me you will stay.

Don't run away.

Don't run away.

Just promise me you will stay.

Promise me you will stay.

Kurt prayed Blaine wouldn’t run away as a result of his latest relapse. He wanted to know that he would stay by his side despite it all. But even if Blaine promised he would never stray, Kurt’s fear would stay. He didn’t feel worth the fight and he worried Blaine would one day come to see that.

Will you love me? Oh!

Everybody's got a dark side.

Do you love me?

Can you love mine?

Nobody's a picture perfect.

But we're worth it.

You know that we're worth it.

Will you love me?

Even with my dark side?

Blaine didn’t know what he could do to make Kurt believe that he was in this for the long run, he was in this forever. Kurt had lived with this fear for so long and it wouldn’t be easy to let that go. But Blaine was willing to do whatever it took for Kurt to see that Blaine would never leave him. Nothing could ever make Blaine leave him.

Don't run away.

Don't run away.

Don't run away.

Promise you'll stay.

The second he finished singing, Blaine pulled Kurt into his arms. Kurt cried into the crook of his neck, again amazed with how cathartic singing could be. Blaine held him until his sobs quieted and his body ceased to tremble. He gently pushed Kurt back to look him in the eyes, taking his face between his hands.

“I am never leaving you, Kurt. Never. I love you more than I ever knew was possible to love someone. You are the love of my life, my soul mate, and I’m never going anywhere, never,” Blaine promised.

“I love you too,” Kurt said softly, his eyes glistening from the tears he had shed.

Blaine wiped away his tear tracks with his thumbs, asking, “Forever?”

“Always,” Kurt vowed.

Blaine captured his lips in a loving kiss. Kurt deepened it immediately. Their tongues tangled together and Kurt’s left hand came up to tangle in Blaine’s curls.

“Make love to me,” Kurt requested.

Blaine smiled, guiding Kurt to the bed. He would always love Kurt, physically and emotionally. He meant it when he said he was never going anywhere. Kurt was his forever.