Chapter Twenty-Five: Finding Happiness

The death of a beloved is an amputation.

-          C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

Monday December 24, 2012

The ringing of his cell phone woke Blaine on the morning of Christmas Eve. He reached for his phone on his nightstand and groggily answered it without looking at the caller ID.

H-hello?” he answered through a yawn.

“I can’t do this,” Kurt said. Blaine could tell he had been crying and sat up straight in bed.

“What can’t you do?” Blaine asked in confusion.

Kurt sobbed something unintelligible. His breath hitched in his throat and he fought to keep from hyperventilating.

“Kurt, baby, I can’t understand you. Take deep breaths,” Blaine instructed. He climbed out of bed and pulled out the first T-shirt and jeans he found in his dresser. Setting the phone on speaker, he tugged the shirt over his head as the sounds of Kurt’s cries continued to drift down the line. Blaine thrust one leg into the jeans, tripping over the pants as he stuck his other leg in and wiggled his hips to pull them up.

“I don’t want it to be Christmas,” Kurt finally mumbled just as Blaine was reaching for the keys to the car he was renting while in St. Charles.

Blaine ran out of the apartment, barely remembering to lock the door behind him. On the other side of the line, Kurt had dissolved into tears once more.

“I know this is hard, baby, but you only have a few more days,” Blaine reminded him. He forewent the elevator in favor of the stairs and all but leapt down them. “I’m on my way,” Blaine said with Kurt didn’t respond. “Can you do me a favor and go sit in the dayroom? Why don’t you try to find Lara and talk to her until I get there?”

“Okay,” Kurt murmured. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Blaine answered. “I’ll see you soon.”

Blaine hoped Kurt would take his advice and find Lara or one of the other nurses. He didn’t need to be alone right now. He only barely obeyed traffic laws on the drive to the hospital, desperate to reach Kurt. Once he reached the hospital, Blaine all but ran across the parking lot, scarcely remembering to lock the rental car.

Blaine was surprised to see Kurt sitting on the piano bench in front of the instrument with Lara by his side. His face was streaked with tears but he had stopped crying for the moment. Blaine breathed a sigh of relief. Lara looked up as Blaine approached. She stood up, clasped Kurt’s shoulder and murmured something to him before leaving.

“Are you feeling better?” Blaine asked as he plopped down beside Kurt.

“Not really,” Kurt answered honestly. His hands continued to move over the keys. His left fingers fumbled and he missed the correct note. Kurt had some difficulties playing with his left hand as he couldn’t feel any sensations in the fingers and they remained stiff. Still, he was determined to regain the full use of his hand and wrist. “Can I play you something?”

“Of course,” Blaine replied. He pressed a kiss to Kurt’s cheek, satisfied that it brought a small smile to Kurt’s lips. Kurt began to play a familiar melody and Blaine listened as he sang.

Weather man said it’s gonna snow.

By now I should be used to the cold.

Mid-February shouldn’t be so scary.

It was only December;

I still remember the presents, the tree, you and me.

Kurt lost his mother in October of his eighth year. The holidays did not exist for the Hummels that year because the most important Hummel of all was missing. Kurt didn’t go trick-or-treating that Halloween. He stayed home with his father and they turned the porch light off to deter the neighborhood kids from visiting. At Thanksgiving, Kurt’s grandmothers from both sides of the family prepared dinner. Burt set a photograph of Elizabeth at her placemat on the table. No one had an appetite. Christmas was even worse.

But you went away.

How dare you?

I miss you.

They say I’ll be okay.

But I’m not going to ever get over you.

Two months had passed and everyone repeated that things would get better. Kurt and his father would be okay. But Christmas was Elizabeth’s favorite holiday. She prepared a grand feast every year, taking days to plan. Burt would always ask for her to wait for him to return home from work to brave the Ohioan winter to buy a Christmas tree but she never did listen. That year, Burt had forgotten to buy a tree until he saw eight-year-old Kurt hanging his mother’s perfume bottle from his window shade. Burt had bundled Kurt up and dragged him out into the night to find the perfect tree.

Living alone here in this place,

I think of you, and I’m not afraid.

Your favorite records make me feel better,

Cause you sing along

With every song.

I know you didn’t mean to give them to me.

Each Christmas following got easier; except for the current year. This year was almost as bad as that first year without her. This Christmas, Kurt was away from his entire family, excluding Blaine. Normally, he would depend on his father to get them both through the holidays. This was Kurt’s first Christmas without his father as well as his mother.

But you went away.

How dare you?

I miss you.

They say I’ll be okay.

But I’m not going to ever get over you.

Kurt longed to hide in his room and pretend Christmas had already passed. The giant Christmas tree in the dayroom only served to deepen his melancholy every time he saw it. He grudgingly passed it each time he entered the room, hoping it would magically disappear before he was forced to reenter it.

It really sinks in, you know, when I see it in stone.

Cause you went away,

How dare you?

I miss you.

They say I’ll be okay.

But I’m not going to ever get over you.

His eyes were watering but Kurt refused to cry again. He was tired of crying. Blaine pulled him up from the bench and into his arms. Kurt clung to Blaine for several long seconds before Blaine gently pushed him back. Kurt grabbed his sling from the piano bench and slipped it back over his head.

“Let’s go talk in your room,” Blaine suggested.

At Kurt’s nod, Blaine led the way. Tristan had been discharged several days prior and Kurt now had the room to himself. He missed him already, but they had promised to keep in touch. Blaine sank onto Kurt’s bed, pulling Kurt onto his lap. Kurt buried his face in Blaine’s shoulder. Blaine waited patiently for Kurt to speak.

“I’ve always heard suffering is a part of life,” Kurt finally said. “I just can’t understand why.”

Blaine sighed. “Because we love. If we didn’t feel anything for another person then we wouldn’t care when they left us.”

“I’m just so tired of feeling this way. It’s been eleven years. Shouldn’t I be coping better than this?” Kurt asked, pulling away to look Blaine in the eyes.

“There is no black and white way to grieve, Kurt. Every person grieves in their own way. There is no right or wrong way in which to grieve, as long as you are grieving,” Blaine answered.

“When did you get so smart?” Kurt asked with a small smile.

"It’s the pants I’m wearing,” Blaine replied.

“What?” Kurt asked in confusion.

"They’re smarty pants,” Blaine explained.

“You’re ridiculous,” Kurt said with a laugh.

“I got you to smile,” Blaine said.

“You did,” Kurt agreed. “Thank you.”

Blaine didn’t answer but pulled Kurt’s head down to kiss him. Christmas Day would not be any easier. But Kurt was able to enjoy decorating the Christmas tree with the other patients, even if he did tear up once or twice. Blaine was there for him to lean on. He always would be. But the most important thing was Kurt had finally learned to stand on his own.

K/B

Monday December 31, 2012

“Are you ready to go?” Blaine asked when Kurt met him at the nurse’s station with his luggage.

“You know it’s funny but I’m actually going to miss this place,” Kurt said.

Blaine wrapped an arm around Kurt’s waist and pulled him into his side. He pressed a kiss to Kurt’s temple.

“I’m proud of you. You’ve come a long way since you’ve been here. Most importantly, you’ve learned a lot. Now we can go home and start on the rest of our lives together.”

“I thought we had already started on our life together,” Kurt countered as he led the way out of the unit.

“You know what I mean,” Blaine said. “So much has changed over the past few months and now we can finally relax a bit.”

“And by relax you mean apply to colleges and look for part-time jobs,” Kurt said. “Sounds cathartic.”

“Why are you already worrying about that?” Blaine asked. “We have plenty of time before the deadlines for Columbia and NYU.”

“I’m always worried about something. It might as well be as important as our educations.”

“You still feel guilty,” Blaine realized.

Kurt didn’t answer, only held the door open for Blaine to exit the hospital. Blaine froze in place, turning Kurt to face him.

“This is not your fault,” Blaine said earnestly. “I made the decision to drop out. I made the decision to skip classes and stay with you. That’s on me.”

“But if I hadn’t cut too deep-”

“Then you wouldn’t have come to S.A.F.E. and who knows what would have happened,” Blaine interrupted. “Losing a semester of school was worth you coming here. Hell, if we hadn’t come here neither of us would have changed our majors.”

“What is your dad going to say,” Kurt continued. He walked past Blaine and out into the St. Charles sun.

“You let me worry about my father. I think I made it very clear to him that he has no say in my decisions anymore. I’m nineteen years old. He can’t do anything, legally or otherwise,” Blaine said as he followed Kurt to the rental car. He held the passenger door open for him. “Everything is going to be fine. I promise.”

K/B

Kurt and Blaine took a cab from the airport to the penthouse. The cab pulled up outside the Gramercy Park Hotel and Blaine grabbed the suitcase before Kurt could, ignoring his protests. They took the elevator to the upper floor of the penthouse. Blaine had talked Rachel and Finn into going out for dinner so he and Kurt could have some alone time.

The second the entered the dressing area of the master suite, Blaine dropped the suitcase to the ground. He pulled Kurt into his arms and kissed him passionately. Kurt responded immediately, running his right hand through Blaine’s loose curls. He tugged lightly, pulling Blaine’s head back to give him access to his neck. He pressed kisses to the sensitive skin, only stopping when Blaine pulled his shirt over his head.

Blaine lifted Kurt up and carried him into their bedroom. Everything was the way they had left it thirty days prior. Blaine laid Kurt on the bed and stretched out above him. Their lips met again. Kurt pushed him away slightly.

“Make love to me,” he requested.

Blaine smiled before lowering his mouth to Kurt’s once more.

K/B

Blaine sat with his back to the armrest of the sectional in the living room. Kurt leaned against him, between his parted legs. The TV was on but neither were paying attention. They were listening for Rachel and Finn who were due to arrive any second.

“They’re here,” Kurt said when he heard the lock turn to the front door.

Rachel and Finn burst into the room. Rachel squealed when she caught sight of them. Kurt laughed, jumping to his feet to hug them both in turn. Blaine did the same before collapsing back against the sectional, pulling Kurt to take up his previous position. Blaine wrapped his arms around Kurt, holding him close.

“I missed you so much,” Rachel said, sitting beside Kurt’s feet.

“We missed you too,” Kurt answered.

“So, do you feel any different?” Finn asked.

Kurt thought for a second. “I feel like the same person, just healthier. I learned healthy ways to cope with anxiety and depression and that doesn’t include hurting myself.”

“I can’t believe you dropped out of NYADA,” Rachel said.

Kurt sighed. “I know what you’re going to say, and yes I’m sure. I’m going to apply to NYU for their music education program. I don’t think I could take the stress of performing every night.”

“And I’m going to apply to Columbia for their English program,” Blaine told them. “I want to write a book about our experience. Maybe our story will help someone else.”

“Writing is a lot different from being on the stage,” Finn commented.

“Not really,” Blaine answered. “I’ll still be performing, but it will be on paper.”

“As long as you’re both happy,” Rachel said.

“We are,” Kurt said, sharing a smile with Blaine. And for the first time in a long time, he was happy.