Chapter Twenty-Four: Changing Plans

Tuesday December 18, 2012

“Do you feel this?” Dr. Cameron asked, touching Kurt’s wrist at his tendons.

“No,” Kurt said sadly. “It still feels numb.”

The doctor frowned. She turned to look at Kurt’s MRI once more.

“The nerves are growing back together, as are the tendons. But I don’t want you trying to move your wrist yet. You could still injure your wrist further. I’ve heard you’ve been playing the piano in the unit,” Dr. Cameron stated.

“Yes, I didn’t think it would be a problem,” Kurt said.

“How is your motion in your fingers?” Dr. Cameron asked.

“My fingers are stiff and numb,” Kurt said. “It makes it harder to use them.”

“Try not to overdo it but I don’t see why you can’t play every once in a while,” Dr. Cameron said, brushing back her long blonde hair. “If you have any problems let one of the unit nurses know and they’ll tell me. Otherwise, you can follow up with your doctor in New York upon your release.”

“Thank you, Dr. Cameron,” Blaine said, shaking the woman’s hand as she exited the exam room. He helped Kurt slide off of the table and led him back towards the unit. “Are you okay?”

“Disappointed,” Kurt answered. “I was hoping there was an actual reason I don’t have feeling back yet.”

“Well you did completely sever the nerves and tendons in that wrist,” Blaine pointed out.

“Thanks, like I could forgot,” Kurt snapped.

“Hey, I’m just trying to be supportive,” Blaine said. “You don’t know what it was like for me. Your heart stopped, Kurt. I brought you back to life. And even after that you had two heart attacks.”

“I know,” Kurt said, squeezing Blaine’s hand. “I’m sorry. This is just hard for me. I feel like everything has changed. I wanted to be a performer but now I can’t even use my left hand.”

“Wanted?” Blaine asked in surprise. “As in the past tense?”

“I’ve been thinking about it,” Kurt said shyly, “and I don’t know if that’s what I want anymore. I’ve been teaching Tristan to play the piano during our free period and I really enjoy it. Maybe I could be a music teacher. Either way, I can’t go back to NYADA.”

“You know I’ll support you no matter what you decide,” Blaine said. “I just hate to see you give up on your dream.”

“Dreams change,” Kurt said simply. “And as long as I have you, I have my dream.”

“I love you,” Blaine said.

“I love you too,” Kurt answered.

“Forever?”

“Always.”

Stopping outside the door leading into the unit, Blaine presses a kiss to Kurt’s lips. Kurt’s good hand curled at his side and he lifted that arm to wrap around Blaine’s neck. Blaine stepped closer, mindful of Kurt’s bad arm between them where it rested in a sling. Kurt didn’t care and moved even closer, his hand tangling in Blaine’s curls as he deepened the kiss. The sound of a throat clearing had them jumping apart with furious blushes.

“Sorry,” Blaine said to the nurse technician.

The woman merely smiled before she opened the door to the unit. She motioned for Kurt and Blaine to enter first. Blaine laced his fingers with Kurt’s and pulled him through the doorway. They walked into the dayroom, which was empty as group therapy was being held (Kurt had been excused so he could attend his appointment with the neurologist).

“What did you mean when you said you couldn’t go back to NYADA?” Blaine asked.

He lay down on his back on the most comfortable couch in the room. Kurt joined him, lying on his side with his head pillowed on Blaine’s shoulder. Blaine’s arms immediately wrapped around him, causing a wide grin to grace Kurt’s face. He pressed a kiss to Blaine’s jawline.

“I can’t go back there after what happened,” Kurt said simply.

“Are you afraid everyone will know?” Blaine asked knowingly.

“Partly,” Kurt admitted. “But I’m not ashamed anymore, Blaine. I have a problem and I’m getting help. But I refuse to be bullied any longer. I’ve been a victim my entire life and I’m not going to be another statistic. Not anymore. I’ve tried fighting but nothing helps. I only ever end up feeling invisible.”

“Are you sure this is what you want?” Blaine asked, turning onto his side to properly face Kurt.

Kurt rubbed his nose against Blaine’s. “There’s nothing to talk about. It’s not like I had any friends at NYADA other than Rachel and I don’t think I could handle the stress of being a performer. I really think I want to be a teacher.”

“If you’re doing this because of the stress of performing, you’re not giving yourself enough credit,” Blaine said sternly.

“Blaine, I’m doing this for a lot of reasons. Can’t you just trust me?” Kurt asked.

“I do trust you, more than anyone or anything,” Blaine said. He pressed a kiss to Kurt’s lips. When he pulled away he asked, “You know you’re not invisible. You outshine every star in the sky.”

“To you,” Kurt said with a fond smile.

“To many people,” Blaine disagreed with a shake of his head. He kissed Kurt again before moving to the piano. With his hands poised over the keys, he looked back to Kurt and began to sing.

Crowded hallways are the loneliest places

For outcasts and rebels,

Or anyone who just dares to be different.

And you've been trying for so long

To find out where your place is.

But in their narrow minds,

There's no room for anyone who dares to do something different.

Oh, but listen for a minute.

Even before Kurt had come to terms with his sexuality, he had known he was different. And his peers knew it too. Kurt had never honestly felt like he belonged until he met Blaine. Then there was one place he knew he belonged: in Blaine’s loving arms.

Trust the one

Who's been where you are wishing all it was

Was sticks and stones.

Those words cut deep but they don't mean you're all alone.

And you're not invisible.

Hear me out,

There's so much more to life than what you're feeling now.

Someday you'll look back on all these days,

And all this pain is gonna be invisible.

Oh, invisible.

Before transferring to Dalton, Blaine went through similar circumstances to Kurt. He had spent nights crying himself to sleep after enduring hurtful words from his peers. Unlike Kurt, Blaine had not been alone. He had another friend who was also out, not that it mattered much to the bullies. But to Blaine it made all the difference in the world. Sometimes Kurt still felt alone even though he knew he had Blaine and the others.

So your confidence is quiet;

To them quiet looks like weakness.

But you don't have to fight it.

'Cause you're strong enough to win without a war.

Yeah, every heart has a rhythm.

Let yours beat out so loudly

That everyone can hear it.

Yeah, I promise you don't need to hide it anymore.

Oh, and never be afraid of doing something different.

Dare to be something more!

To Blaine, there was no one more beautiful – inside or out – than Kurt. He carried himself with such grace and he was confident but not to the point of being cocky. Other people, Kurt included, saw him as weak but Blaine knew just how strong his fiancé was. The fact that Kurt had come to St. Charles proved that. Even though Kurt had never been more terrified in his life, he still boarded the plane and came to S.A.F.E. Alternatives.

Trust the one

Who's been where you are wishing all it was

Was sticks and stones.

Yeah, the words cut deep but they don't mean you're all alone.

And you're not invisible.

Hear me out,

There's so much more of this life than what you're feeling now.

And someday you'll look back on all these days,

And all this pain is gonna be invisible.

Despite their peers, they had found each other in a small town in Ohio. They had both been tormented horrendously but it was worth it to find each other in the end. They knew that if given the chance they would go through it all again just so they could find each other.

These labels that they give you

Just 'cause they don't understand.

If you look past this moment,

You'll see you've got a friend,

Waving a flag for who you are

And all you're gonna do.

Yeah, so here's to you.

And here's to anyone who's ever felt invisible!

Things would not always be easy, even if they did live in one of the most accepting cities in the United States. There would still be people who looked down on them for simply loving someone of the same sex. But those people were small-minded and ignorant. Those people didn’t matter. Because love is love and above all the important thing was that there was a little bit more love in the world because of them.

Yeah, and you're not invisible!

Hear me out,

There's so much more to life than what you're feeling now.

And someday you'll look back on all these days,

And all this pain is gonna be invisible.

It'll be invisible.

Kurt pulled Blaine away from the piano. His right arm wound around his neck as their lips met. Blaine’s hands fell to Kurt’s hips, pulling him closer. Kurt forced himself to take a step away from Blaine, laughing when Blaine chased his mouth with his lips.

“Let’s take this to my room,” Kurt suggested.

When Blaine smiled, Kurt took his hand and led him down the hall to the room Kurt shared with Tristan. They had practice arranging themselves in the small twin bed; Kurt stretched out on his back and their lips met when Blaine draped himself over his fiancé’s body. They missed the intimacy of making love but as they were constantly being watched they made themselves content with making out like teenagers.

Tristan found them that way thirty minutes later. Blaine had been allowed to join them for lunch that day so the three of them walked over to the cafeteria together. As they filled their trays up, Kurt could feel Blaine’s eyes on him. He watched everything that Kurt put on his tray. Kurt did his best to ignore him but once they were seated and eating Blaine continued to watch every morsel that moved from the plate to Kurt’s mouth.

“Will you stop watching me?” Kurt finally snapped. “It’s bad enough that all the nurse techs are watching everything I eat. I don’t need it from you too.”

“I’m sorry,” Blaine said guiltily. “I just wanted to make sure you’re eating. I haven’t eaten a meal with you in two weeks.”

“It’s not your job to ensure that I’m eating. That’s why the nurse techs are here,” Kurt reminded him. “It’s hard enough to eat as it is without you watching me.”

“It hasn’t gotten any easier?” Blaine asked. He made sure to avert his eyes to his own food as Kurt ate.

“Not really,” Kurt said with a heavy sigh. “Every bite I take, I can feel myself getting fatter and fatter. It makes me anxious to eat and that makes me want to hurt myself.”

Blaine placed a hand on Kurt’s knee, squeezing it.

“Two more weeks, love,” Blaine reminded him. “Then we’ll be home.”

“I can’t wait,” Kurt said honestly.

K/B

Friday December 21, 2012

“I did as you asked and we were right,” Blaine said when he walked into Kurt’s room that day.

Kurt looked up from the papers he was poring over. He was almost done with the latest writing assignment. He used his good hand to push himself to his feet and kissed Blaine chastely.

“It’s too late for next semester?” Kurt asked, already knowing the answer.

“I’m afraid so,” Blaine answered. They settled on Kurt’s small bed, curled around one another.

“Well it gives me time to explore my options. I still haven’t chosen between NYU and Columbia and there are other schools that I could still apply to,” Kurt said.

“I caught Jamie Tworkowski on the news the other day talking about his non-profit organization, To Write Love on Her Arms,” Blaine stated. “It got me thinking of your story and how many people you have connected to while you’ve been here. With your permission, I’d like to share your story with others.”

“What do you mean?” Kurt asked quizzically.

“Well, when you changed your mind about performing it got me thinking too. I’m not sure that I want that anymore either. But I’ve always enjoyed writing and according to the creative writing teacher at Dalton I was quite good at it. I want to write a book about your experience,” Blaine said. “Aren’t you the one who always said if you didn’t share your story others couldn’t benefit from it?”

“You’re not doing this because of me, are you?” Kurt asked uncertainly.

“What? No!” Blaine assured him.

“Because if you still want to perform I’m perfectly fine with that,” Kurt continued.

“I love to perform. We both do. And while a life as a performer would be fulfilling, I want to leave this world knowing that I helped others. How can I do that if I spend all of my time on the stage?” Blaine asked.

“You really want to do this?” Kurt inquired.

“I really do,” Blaine answered.

“I think it’s a wonderful idea,” Kurt said after a while.

“Really?” Blaine asked, surprised.

“Really, really,” Kurt said with a smile.

Blaine kissed him gently. They had not known that their futures would change so drastically when Kurt agreed to rehabilitation, but neither regretted it one bit.