Chapter Twenty:  No Need to Say Goodbye

Wednesday November 21, 2012

“I’m sorry, I-I can’t . . . .”

Kurt turned and fled the room.

“Kurt!” Blaine didn’t offer his parents any explanation but took off after his fiancé.

Blaine followed Kurt into the master bathroom. Kurt attempted to open an orange medicine bottle with both hands but pain shot through his left wrist and he cried out. Blaine took the bottle from him, opened it, and placed a single white pill into Kurt’s good hand. Kurt swallowed it dry, his body continued to shake with anxiety.

“Come here,” Blaine said softly. He wrapped an arm around Kurt and led him back to their bedroom. He sat on the bed and tried to pull Kurt onto his lap but Kurt resisted. Instead, he tore off his arm sling and began to pull off his clothes. “What are you doing? We can’t have sex now.”

“Of course I don’t want to have sex now,” Kurt scoffed. “My clothes are all wrong. I can’t believe your parents saw me in this.”

“Baby, please, calm down. Give your medication time to work,” Blaine pleaded.

“I can’t calm down, Blaine. Your parents just showed up on our doorstep the day before Thanksgiving!  Not only are they going to learn about me but we didn’t buy enough food for two additional people!”

“Kurt, sit down,” Blaine said sternly. He took Kurt by the shoulders and forced him to the bed. Kurt struggled in vain, only stopping when Blaine’s hands dropped to the hem of Kurt’s shirt and pulled up.

Blaine carefully undressed him, folding each article of clothing and setting it aside with the same reverence Kurt would have used himself. When he was done he sat beside his lover on the bed, pulling Kurt into his side.

“Listen to me, okay? Everything is going to be fine. We don’t have to tell my parents anything. We can make up a lie. That is your decision and I will respect whatever you decide. What happened to you is none of their business.”

“But what about -”

“Let me finish. We are going to go downstairs and take stock of the food we have. Then I will go back to the store and buy more of whatever we need. I don’t want you to worry about a thing, understand?”

“I’m going to worry,” Kurt mumbled. “I always worry.”

“I’m well aware of that,” Blaine said. One hand came up to Kurt’s throat and he lightly pressed his thumb into the bruise he had left that morning. “But I also know how to make you stop worrying.”

“You do?” Kurt feigned ignorance. “I can’t seem to remember-”

“Hush, you,” Blaine chuckled. He pressed a kiss to the corner of Kurt’s mouth. Kurt tilted his head, pressing his lips against Blaine’s firmly. He opened his lover’s mouth, letting his tongue slip inside to taste. Reluctantly, Blaine tore himself away, pressing one last kiss to Kurt’s lips. “Are you okay now?”

Rachel knocked lightly at the door, cutting off Kurt’s answer. She stepped into the room slowly, her eyes quickly sweeping over Kurt’s body to ensure he was decent.

“Blaine, I made your parents some coffee. They’re in the kitchen waiting for you,” Rachel said. “I didn’t say anything . . . I didn’t know what to say.”

“I’m going to go downstairs now, okay, love?” Blaine said uncertainly.

“I’m fine,” Kurt said. “I just have nothing to wear.”

“I’ll help you find something,” Rachel said, rolling her eyes fondly. She knew Kurt had more clothes than her and Finn combined and if worst came to worst they could peruse Blaine’s closet for additional options.

“Thanks,” Kurt said.

Blaine pressed his lips to Kurt’s once more, allowing the kiss to linger.

“I love you,” Blaine said softly.

“I love you too.”

“Forever?” he asked with a smile.

“Always,” Kurt answered with a small smile of his own.

Blaine disappeared down the stairs. Rachel perched on the edge of the bed beside Kurt.

“What are you going to tell them?” Rachel asked.

“I don’t know,” Kurt answered honestly.

Rachel leaned her head on Kurt’s shoulder, wrapping an arm around his waist. Kurt allowed himself to be held by his best friend, resting his head against Rachel’s. They sat in silence for a few minutes until the last dregs of anxiety left Kurt.

“I should find something to wear,” Kurt said softly, pushing himself off of the bed.

With Rachel’s help, Kurt put together an outfit he deemed suitable to entertain the Andersons in. Rachel helped him dress, not even blushing when she had to button Kurt’s shirt for him. The feeling had yet to return to the fingers of his left hand and was mostly useless. Rachel slipped her hand into Kurt’s good one and they descended the stairs to the lower level of the penthouse together.

Three of the four Andersons were waiting for them in the kitchen (Cooper was still at Yankee Stadium with Burt, Finn, and Carole). Alessandra and Pádraic Anderson looked up when their future son-in-law entered the room.

“Are you all right, Kurt? Blaine said you weren’t feeling well,” Alessandra asked in concern.

“I’m fine, Mrs. Anderson. Thank you for asking,” Kurt said politely. He busied himself with finding the mixing bowl that went with his Kitchen Aide mixer.

“What happened to your arm?” Pádraic questioned.

Kurt drew in a deep breath. He had known this was coming. He straightened his shoulders and turned to look both Alessandra and Pádraic in the eye.

“I suffer from depression,” Kurt began.

Slowly, he told his future in-laws his story as he added ingredients to the mixing bowl. Neither asked any questions, allowing Kurt to open up at his own pace. Blaine stayed by his side, his eyes not leaving Kurt’s face. He watched for any signs of panic or anxiety but saw none. When Kurt finished, no one spoke. Alessandra slowly walked to his side, took Kurt’s good hand in hers and turned him so they were eye-to-eye.

“It is very brave of you to tell us the truth, Kurt. I’m proud of you,” Alessandra said, pulling an astonished Kurt into a loving embrace.

Blaine smiled widely. He had not been expecting his parents to show up on their doorstep but with the way things had turned out, he was glad they had.

And just like that everything returns to normal. Alessandra insists on helping Rachel and Kurt with the baking. Blaine and Pádraic make a list of what food they need and go back to the store. Cooper, Burt, Finn, and Carole return from Yankee Stadium. The penthouse had never been so filled with noise since Kurt, Blaine, Finn, and Rachel moved in.

Thanksgiving Day passed without a hitch. With Alessandra and Carole’s help, Kurt and Rachel prepared a magnificent Thanksgiving feast. Kurt even managed to catch a few minutes of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade through all the preparation.

Wedding talk also began. After a long discussion the date had been set:  March 15, 2016; their fifth anniversary as boyfriends. Colors as well as different cuts for bridesmaid dresses had been discussed but nothing set in stone. Kurt knew they had a long time before everything needed to be decided but wedding planning offered a welcome distraction from his impending rehabilitation.

Yes, everything went smoothly until Pádraic asked the boys how school would fit into their month in St. Charles.

“It’s not,” Blaine answered simply, as if the answer was obvious.

“What do you mean it’s not?” Pádraic asked, fixing his son with a hard stare.

Blaine shifted uncomfortably in his chair at the dining room table. They had been enjoying a last meal together before the Andersons returned to Lima.

“You already dropped your classes for this semester, Blaine; you’re not screwing up another semester,” Pádraic informed him.

“Pádraic, please,” Alessandra tried to stop the conversation before things got out of hand.

“No, Alessa; I cannot stop Kurt from taking a semester off – he’s not my son – and he certainly has a good excuse but Blaine does not,” Pádraic said.

“I’m not leaving Kurt!” Blaine exclaimed.

“You’re not throwing your education away,” Pádraic countered. “I’m paying a lot of money for you to attend NYU-”

“Then I quit!” Blaine jumped to his feet.

“Blaine, don’t be ridiculous!” Kurt hissed.

“I’m going with you, Kurt,” Blaine said. Turning to his father he continued, “And you can’t stop me!”

“I’m not going to pay-”

“Then I will,” Cooper said, pushing himself to his feet and standing beside his little brother.

“Cooper-”

“You’ve seen them together, Dad,” Cooper interrupted. “They belong together. And Kurt will need Blaine in St. Charles more than ever. So, cut him off if you want to. Don’t pay for his education. That’s your choice. But if you do, I’ll make sure Blaine has money for tuition, one way or another.”

“Coop-”

“You don’t get a say in this, little brother. I know I don’t have to pay; I know you don’t like accepting money from others, but you’re going to accept this.”

Blaine was speechless. He had never stopped to think about his parents’ reaction to him taking an entire year off. Everything was happening so fast his brain was struggling to catch up.

“Caro, is there any chance of you attending school next semester?” Alessandra asked.

“Yes,” Kurt answered before Blaine could.

“Kurt, you don’t know-”

“I don’t know what’s going to happen, no,” Kurt said. “But next semester starts January 28th, Mrs. Anderson. We leave for St. Charles in a week.”

“We won’t have time for advisement,” Blaine pointed out.

“Everyone, please, just sit down!” Kurt exclaimed, tired of the fighting. Shocked, Blaine dropped into his seat beside his fiancé and Cooper returned to his beside his mother. “Mr. Anderson, I know that I screwed up very badly. I know that I’ve tossed an entire semester of college down the drain and Blaine’s along with it. I hate that. But Cooper is right, I’m going to need Blaine more than ever in St. Charles. I promise that I’m going to do my best to get better and not just for my own sake, but for Blaine’s as well.” Kurt turned away from Pádraic to look deep into his beloved’s eyes. “I’ve caused you a lot of pain and fear and a thousand other negative emotions. Knowing that kills me. I promise that I’m going to get better and I promise that I’m going to be the fiancé, the lover, the husband that you deserve.”

Blaine blinked back tears. Ignoring his family, he pulled Kurt into a passionate kiss, one hand cupping the side of his face. He didn’t care what his father thought about the semester of school he had lost. Blaine didn’t care. All that mattered was him and Kurt and the life they were building together. Blaine forced himself away from his fiancé, stroking his cheek with his thumb.

“I love you so much,” he said.

“I love you too,” Kurt answered.

“Forever?” Blaine asked with a grin.

“Always,” Kurt promised. “Always.”

K/B

Friday November 30, 2012

“I can’t do this,” Kurt said aloud in the dark room. He didn’t know if Blaine was awake but he had to get the words out before the fear completely consumed him. He felt he would implode with the force of the emotion.

“You’re going to be fine, love,” Blaine’s voice assured him from the other side of the bed. He rolled over to face Kurt, opening his arms. Kurt immediately moved into them.

“What if we don’t make it?” Kurt asked fearfully.

“What are you talking about?” Blaine asked confusedly.

“What if we can’t handle the separation?” Kurt asked, tears threatening to fall.

“Love, there won’t be any separation. We’ll see each other every day,” Blaine promised.

“What if I don’t have time to see you? You heard Andrew. There’s a strict schedule I’ll have to follow as well as writing assignments and-and support groups for you.”

“Which are weekly,” Blaine reminded him.

“We won’t be able to share the same bed for a month. You won’t be able to hold me and we can’t make love and what if the nights get really bad and I need you because you know nights are the worst for me and-”

“Baby, please calm down,” Blaine pleaded. Kurt’s tears were now falling in earnest. He buried his head in Blaine’s chest, muffling a sob. “We’ve talked about this, remember? I will be able to visit you every single day, and I will. I will hold you for as long as you like when we’re together, I promise. No, we won’t be able to make love but it’s only a month. And if the nights get bad you’ll have someone there to talk to twenty-four/seven. You will be okay. I promise. I wouldn’t let you go if I thought otherwise.”

Kurt wiped away his tears, sniffling. He didn’t speak for a while and Blaine didn’t push him to.

“I’m scared,” he finally said.

“I know. I can’t promise that this is going to be easy. In fact, I can promise you it won’t be easy. But I can promise that I will be there for you every step of the way and no absence of cuddling in bed or lovemaking will change that. I will love you until my dying day, and after.”

“Just like the song?” Kurt asked.

“Just like the song,” Blaine said. And then he began to sing.

Never knew I could feel like this,

Like I've never seen the sky before.

Want to vanish inside your kiss.

Seasons may change, winter to spring,

But I love you until the end of time.

Come what may!

Come what may!

I will love you until my dying day!

Kurt knew Blaine meant every word that he sang. It showed in the way that they kissed:  sometimes soft and tender, sometimes hard and lustful, but always, always, filled with love. Theirs was a love unlike any other. A love they had fought for and a love they had won. There were hard times, and easy ones too, good times and bad, but above all there was Kurt and there was Blaine. They were meant to be together and they always would be. Kurt wiped away a tear, harmonizing his voice to Blaine’s.

Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place;

Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace.

Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste;

It all revolves around you.

And there's no mountain too high, no river too wide.

Sing out this song and I'll be there by your side!

Storm clouds may gather

And stars may collide.

But I love you

Until the end of time.

Come what may!

Come what may!

I will love you!

I will love you!

They didn’t speak. No words were needed. Blaine lowered his mouth to cover Kurt’s. He kissed him softly, almost without any pressure. Kurt sank into the kiss, opening Blaine’s mouth with his own. The passion between them built as did the pressure of the kiss but the love was the same.

Slowly, they were both divested of their pajamas. Blaine mapped Kurt’s body with his hands and mouth, committing every sigh and every moan to memory. Then it was Kurt’s turn, his turn to press kisses into every inch of Blaine’s skin. He knew every spot that brought Blaine pleasure and he was careful to pay close attention to them.

Blaine kissed Kurt deeply, rolling them over so Blaine’s body was pressing Kurt’s into the mattress. He took more care than was necessary in stretching Kurt, opening him up slowly. When Kurt was reduced to begging, writhing against him in pleasure, Blaine slid inside. They made love slowly, wanting the moment to last forever. Blaine kept a slow rhythm until Kurt was begging for more, begging for whatever Blaine would give him. And Blaine gave him everything. They came together, stifling moans with the other’s mouth.

When they returned to earth, Blaine cleaned them with a warm washcloth. He climbed back into bed and Kurt instantly curled into his side. And before Blaine could pull the covers up over them, Kurt was asleep.

Friday November 30, 2012

Kurt was scared. He had been interviewed by the staff of S.A.F.E. Alternatives along with Andrew. He underwent a screening process to ensure the staff that he was entering the program of his own volition and that in his heart of hearts he wanted to recover. With the screening successful, Kurt had been scheduled to arrive at S.A.F.E. Alternatives for admission the first of December.

Of course Kurt had read about the program and the success that it boasted, but he was still terrified. And he wasn’t the only one. Standing in the airport, surrounded by his family, he knew they were all scared. Rachel had been fighting back tears all morning and was continuing to do so, now joined with Carole and Burt. Even Finn was beginning to tear up.

“This isn’t goodbye,” Kurt said. “I’ll call you every day and Blaine will be able to Skype with you from his apartment. Don’t think of this as goodbye for a month. Think of it as an I’ll-see-you-later.”

“Oh, Kurt!” Rachel cried, throwing her arms around him.

Kurt hugged her tightly. He pushed her away, wiped away her tears and kissed her cheek. Kurt and Blaine hugged everyone in turn:  Burt, Carole, Finn, Rachel, and Cooper. They were all there to see them off. Kurt knew they had to go. He looked at Blaine, who squeezed his hand tightly. Blaine could tell Kurt wanted to say something but wasn’t sure what. So Kurt showed his emotions in the best, most honest way he knew.

It started out as a feeling

Which then grew into a hope;

Which then turned into a quiet thought,

Which then turned into a quiet word.

And then that word grew louder and louder,

'Til it was a battle cry.

I'll come back when you call me.

No need to say goodbye.

Listening to his son’s voice, Burt couldn’t fight his tears any longer. His entire life he had tried to keep Kurt safe . . . and he had failed. Kurt had not been safe at McKinley, he had not been safe at Lima, and now he was not safe in New York City. But Burt knew his son would get better. He knew that Blaine would watch out for him. Burt regretted not being able to fly with the boys to St. Charles but he knew they would take care of each other, like they always had. Unable to contain himself, he threw his arms around them both. Carole joined the hug and soon the seven of them had formed a group hug in the middle of the airport.

Just because everything's changing

Doesn't mean it's never been this way before.

All you can do is try to know who your friends are

As you head off to the war.

Pick a star on the dark horizon and follow the light.

You'll come back when it's over.

No need to say goodbye.

You'll come back when it's over.

No need to say goodbye.

Blaine knew the time had come for them to leave and gently pulled at Kurt’s hand to get him to move. Kurt took a step away from his family and towards the awaiting aircraft. He drew in a deep breath and nodded. This was it. Kurt offered his father one last smile before he turned and walked away from him, his hand clasped tightly in Blaine’s.

Now we're back to the beginning.

It's just a feeling and no one knows yet.

But just because they can't feel it too

Doesn't mean that you have to forget.

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger,

'Til they're before your eyes.

You'll come back when they call you.

No need to say goodbye.

You'll come back when they call you.

No need to say goodbye.

They stowed their carry-on bags in the overhead compartments before taking their seats. Kurt stared out the window. He knew this was a turning point for him. Now was when he walked away from self-harm and left it behind for good. Kurt knew the possibility of relapsing was very real. He knew he couldn’t promise Blaine yet that he would never hurt himself again. Kurt couldn’t promise that he wouldn’t fall but he could promise that he would get back up again.

“Are you ready?” Blaine asked, drawing Kurt from his thoughts.

Kurt turned to face him and offered his fiancé a genuine smile.

“I’m ready.”