Chapter Seventeen:  An Ultimatum

Saturday November 10, 2012

“I wanted to discuss your treatment plan.”

“What do you mean?” Kurt asked.

“Kurt, it's my recommendation that you enter in-patient treatment at a rehabilitation center,” Andrew said.

R-rehab?” Kurt stammered. “I-I can’t go to rehab! I have classes! I have a life!”

“Kurt, listen to me. You have to understand the seriousness of the situation you are in. You cut yourself nearly down to the bone, severing multiple tendons and nerves. You were clinically dead; Blaine administered life-saving CPR. And as if that weren’t already enough, you suffered two heart attacks.

“Kurt, you will never be the same and I’m not just talking about your wrist and hand. Your heart has been weakened by both heart attacks. You will have to be very careful for the rest of your life because there is a possibility if you fall victim to another cardiac arrest, you could not survive,” Andrew finished his speech.

“There’s always a chance with cardiac arrest that you won’t survive,” Kurt muttered under his breath.

“Kurt!” Blaine said sharply.

“So, what, I’m just supposed to put my life on hold for a month while I go sit in a circle and talk about my feelings?” Kurt asked. Blaine sighed. This was going exactly how he had expected.

“You have to take care of yourself first, Kurt, before you can worry about the other aspects of your life,” Andrew responded. “And starving yourself, cutting and burning yourself, this is not healthy. This is self-destructive and it has to stop.”

“Why do you make it sound like this is an ultimatum?” Kurt asked.

“Because it is,” Blaine said reluctantly. He knew this was coming, but even with that knowledge he was not prepared for the pain he felt as the words left his mouth.

“Y-you’re leaving me?” Kurt asked, his face frozen in shock.

“I’m not going anywhere. I’m giving you a choice:  you can have your razorblades or you can have me. But you can’t have both, Kurt. Not anymore,” Blaine said, finally breaking down as tears streamed down his face. “I’ve fought for you for so long, you know I have. I’ve been by your side every step of the way. But in the end it doesn’t matter because you always choose it over me. And I can’t watch you do this to yourself anymore, Kurt. I won’t.

“But I made a promise to you a long time ago that I would never leave you, and I’m not about to break that promise. So I’m giving you a choice:  you can stay with me or you can take your blades and leave.”

Kurt’s cerulean eyes were filled with tears as he looked at Blaine. He felt his heart would beat through his chest and he couldn’t slow down his breathing if he tried. But somehow he managed to get out the words, “You, of course I choose you, it’s always been you.”

Blaine fell into bed beside Kurt, hugging him tightly. They clung to each other, wishing in that moment that they could become one being.  Kurt began to cough through his sobs and Blaine jumped back, offering him a cup of water. He sipped from the cup, his eyes trained on Blaine. When he was done, he turned to face Andrew.

“Where do we go from here?”

“There is a treatment program called Self-Abuse Finally Ends otherwise known as S.A.F.E. Alternatives located in St. Charles, Missouri. They specialize in treating self-injurers over the age of eighteen.  S.A.F.E. is the only institute of its kind,” Andrew said as if this fact would distract Kurt from the geological factor. Of course, the distraction tactic didn’t work.

“Missouri! I can’t go to Missouri! What about Blaine?” Kurt exclaimed, jumping from the bed.

“Baby, please, calm down. You’re going to have an anxiety attack if you’re not careful,” Blaine said gently. He took Kurt by the hands and led him back to the bed. Blaine breathed with him until Kurt was sufficiently calmed then turned to Andrew. “Andrew, would you mind giving us a minute?”

“Of course not,” he answered, rising from his seat. “I’ll be out in the hall if you need me.”

Blaine waited until Andrew had pulled the door closed behind him to speak.

“Baby, what scares you the most out of this whole ordeal?”

“Everything,” Kurt answered softly, rising from the bed to look out the window. “The whole thing is terrifying.”

“It is,” Blaine agreed.

“I can’t be away from you for a month,” Kurt said tearfully, turning his back to the window. “I need you by my side.”

“And that’s where I’ll be. I’m going with you, Kurt. I haven’t spoken to Andrew yet but I’m going to find an apartment in St. Charles to lease for a month. As long as you’re there, I’m there. I’m not about to let you go through this on your own. You’re my fiancé, the love of my life, my soul mate. Nothing will keep us apart. Nothing,” Blaine promised.

“You’d really do that for me?” Kurt asked, amazed that Blaine would go to such lengths to keep them together.

“That and more,” Blaine promised.

“Because I’m really going to need you now, more than ever,” Kurt said, stepping forwards so he was standing in between Blaine’s legs. Blaine took Kurt’s hands in his, running his thumb over the engagement ring that adorned Kurt’s left ring finger.

“When are you going to realize that I’m not going anywhere? Five months ago, I got down on one knee and told you that I had one certainty in my life and that was you. And today you proved that nothing has changed. Now, you just have to believe it.”

Kurt smiled, walking away backward so Blaine could hold onto his hands until the last second. Then he turned to look out the window and began to sing.

Lately, I’ve been the quiet one

Waiting, searching the lines of the songs you played for me.

Sailing into the misty air

Fading, bound for I don’t know where;

When I’m there I’ll see.

Kurt watched the people walk by on the sidewalk below, all oblivious to the troubles of the patients of the psychiatric unit of Bellevue hospital above them. The city was always so loud, but in here it was quiet; too quiet. Kurt was used to being surrounded by music but in the hospital his life had been mostly void of that pleasure. His life was void of most things:  stagnant.

And if I walk away,

Please follow me.

If I walk away,

Please follow me.

He turned to face Blaine, slowly walking towards him. Blaine seized Kurt’s hands when he was near enough and pulled him even closer as they began to sway to the sound of Kurt’s beautiful countertenor.

Weightless, drifting through stars I got,

Faithless, woke in the dark and I made this from my dream.

Play me all your sweet rhymes,

Recreate me, now comes the time when I’ll need your truth to see.

As Kurt held the last note out of the first stanza, Blaine echoed after him to join him in harmony for the second stanza. They repeated this again with eyes only for each other. Kurt felt fear threatening to overtake him but he refused to let it. Blaine had promised to never leave him, and he had just proved that he did not take that promise lightly.

And if I walk away,

(Walk away)

Please follow me.

If I walk away,

(Walk away)

Please follow me!

Kurt didn’t know how the rehabilitation facility would take to Blaine’s presence in St. Charles but he didn’t care. He couldn’t do this without Blaine; it would be hard enough to be without his dad, Carole, Rachel, and Finn.

Walk away,

Let the fear fall away

Into the fire you made,

Scarlet and gold!

Blaine held Kurt close as they danced around the room, joining him to sing the first line in unison. He caught Kurt’s eye and was so captivated in all the emotion he saw there that he was too startled to sing the first half of the second stanza but came back to himself for the second half.

Walk away,

Head for the light of day!

Follow a brighter way

Out of the cold and dark,

Down to the one bright spark,

Futures that all might start

Someday!

Kurt felt as if his entire future had been put on hold. So much had to be done before their departure. Classes had to be dropped and Blaine had to find an apartment that would accept only a month’s lease. Kurt would never have asked Blaine to join him in Missouri, but he should have known he would never let him go alone. Kurt wondered if Blaine realized his future had also stalled out.

So if I walk away,

(Walk away!)

Please follow me!

If I walk away,

(Walk away!)

Please follow me!

Blaine could tell Kurt was beginning to feel fatigued and led him towards the bed. Kurt sank onto the mattress, singing the last lines of the song softly.

Fragments shells of a long ago lifetime,

Faces that once were mine

Thrown down by the sea.

If I walk away,

Please follow me.

If I walk away,

Would you please follow me?

“I will always follow you, no matter where or when. I would go to the end of the earth for you if you asked,” Blaine said as he poured Kurt a cup of water.

Kurt drank deeply before saying, “So we’re really doing this? Dropping our classes, going to Missouri for a month?”

“That’s up to you, baby,” Blaine answered softly. His eyes were filled with hope; hope that Kurt would agree to seek treatment because if not, Blaine knew he couldn’t continue to watch Kurt self-destruct.

Instead of offering a clear answer, Kurt asked, “Can you find Andrew?”

Blaine furrowed his eyebrows but nodded. True to his word, Andrew was waiting in the hall outside Kurt’s room. Blaine led him back inside. The two men looked at Kurt expectantly.

Kurt swallowed past the lump of cold fear that had formed in his throat. He drew on all of his courage and asked, “When will I be admitted to S.A.F.E.?”