Chapter Sixteen:  Awake

Friday November 9, 2012

Everything was bright white. Too bright. Kurt closed his eyes tight, trying to block out the light. His head swam as he tried to focus on the sounds around him. He realized someone was calling his name . . . no, not just someone:  Blaine. Kurt opened his eyes, slower this time. Blaine’s face swam before him, his eyes filled with tears. Kurt’s eyelids felt heavy and they began to droop once again.

“Kurt, stay with me!” he heard Blaine’s voice again. “Stay with me, Kurt!”

Kurt forced his eyes open once more and relief washed over Blaine’s countenance. Then Blaine was calling out a name that was unfamiliar, something that sounded like Cathy, or maybe Catty but that was stupid, who would name their child Catty?

“B-Blaine,” Kurt managed to speak. The word ended in a groan; his throat was dry and it hurt to speak. Kurt wanted to ask where he was, but he didn’t dare try to speak again.

Instead, he focused his eyes on his surroundings. The walls were white and bare. To the left was a door that opened to an even brighter hallway and to the right was a window with a bench underneath. It looked like someone had been sleeping there, probably Blaine Kurt concluded. A pitcher of water was on a table nearby. Blaine followed Kurt’s gaze.

“Do you want some water?” Blaine asked.

Kurt tried to nod but his head felt so heavy and everything was woozy. Instead he blinked twice. Thankfully, Blaine understood and reached for the pitcher but before he could pour water into a cup people were streaming into the room:  a man wearing a white coat, a woman in blue scrubs, and another in purple. As they swarmed around him Kurt realized they must be a doctor and nurses. The nurse with purple scrubs took Blaine by the shoulders and gently pushed him away from the bed.

"No, please, he needs me!” Blaine exclaimed, trying to reach Kurt’s side.

“Blaine, let us do our jobs. You can remain in the room just stay out of the way while we work,” the nurse who had moved Blaine said in a soothing voice.    Blaine blinked back tears but reluctantly moved to the bench under the window.

Kurt opened his mouth to attempt to speak but before he could a thermometer was thrust under his tongue. A blood pressure cuff was placed around his arm; the doctor flashed a light into his eyes, moving his finger in front of his face.

“Kurt, I’m Dr. Cartwright. Can you hear me?” he asked in a deep voice.

Kurt nodded.

“Good, can you follow my finger?” Dr. Cartwright asked.

His eyes followed the path of the doctor’s finger. Satisfied, Dr. Cartwright removed the stethoscope from around his neck and placed the bell against his chest.

“Deep breaths,” Dr. Cartwright instructed.

Kurt obliged, turning his head to look at Blaine with fearful eyes. Blaine smiled weakly.

“It’s okay, love. You’re okay,” Blaine said in his most comforting voice. Trusting Blaine, Kurt turned back to Dr. Cartwright.

“We’re going to sit you up now,” Dr. Cartwright said.

With a nurse on either side of him, they took Kurt by the shoulders and gently held him up so Dr. Cartwright could listen to his lungs from his back. After all of his vitals had been taken, Blaine was allowed to return to his side.

“Kurt, can you tell me what year it is?” Dr. Cartwright asked.

Kurt furrowed his eyebrows. Why would he ask such a stupid question? He tried to speak but all that came out was a groan as his dry throat protested.

“He needs water,” Blaine said.

He quickly poured a cup of water and cupping the back of Kurt’s head in one hand, raised his head and pressed the lip of the cup to his mouth. Kurt drank thirstily and when the cup was empty, Blaine poured another one. Kurt drank slower this time, his eyes never leaving Blaine’s face. When he had drunk the second cup of water, Blaine lowered Kurt’s head back down.

“Kurt, what year is it?” Dr. Cartwright repeated.

“2012,” Kurt answered, the loudness of his own voice surprising him.

“And who is the president of the United States?” Dr. Cartwright asked.

“Barack Obama,” Kurt responded.

“Good,” Dr. Cartwright said. “Do you remember what happened to you?”

Kurt closed his eyes, trying to recall the last moments before the blackness overtook him. He remembered Blaine dragging him to Andrew’s office; he remembered Blaine and Andrew insisting he was underweight, that he had an eating disorder; he remembered fleeing. Then the worst memory returned to him:  the cool press of metal against his skin, his flesh parting beneath the sharp edge of the blade, and blood, so much blood.

In a shaky voice, Kurt repeated his memories to Dr. Cartwright. Blaine squeezed his right hand comfortingly. When he was finished, Dr. Cartwright spoke up.

“Kurt, when Blaine here found you, you had already lost a lot of blood. You were clinically dead for two minutes before Blaine could revive you.”

Kurt’s eyes snapped to Blaine’s face. There were tears in both their eyes as Kurt gasped out, “I’m so sorry, Blaine; I’m so sorry.”

“I know, baby. You’re fine now. You’re okay,” Blaine replied. He raised Kurt’s hand to his lips and pressed a tender kiss to each knuckle.

“Kurt,” Dr. Cartwright said, waiting for Kurt to give him his attention once more before continuing. “Your wounds were so deep they were almost to the bone; you cut through several nerves and tendons. You required over eleven-hundred sutures. By the time you arrived, you were in severe hypovolemic shock. En route to the hospital, you had a heart attack in the ambulance; you suffered another one during surgery. We’ve been taking EKGs every day and so far everything is normal. You won’t be able to use your left hand for several months though while those tendons and nerves heal.”

“My left hand,” Kurt asked. Horror washed over him. “I can’t feel my left hand!”

K/B

Burt burst into Finn and Rachel’s room without knocking. The couple was still asleep; Burt seized Finn’s shoulder and shook him roughly.

“Finn, wake up!” he ordered.

“Huh? What’s going on?” Finn asked sleepily, opening his eyes to see his stepfather towering over him.

“Kurt’s awake.”

K/B

Blaine and Kurt looked up as Burt literally ran into the room, Carole following close behind him. Burt froze on the spot when he saw his son sitting up in bed, cuddled against his fiancé’s chest. His left arm was in a sling, ensuring he couldn’t use his wrist or hand. Blaine immediately slipped off the bed, dropping into the seat by Kurt’s side.

“Kurt.” Burt exhaled in relief.

“Hi, Dad,” Kurt said with a bright smile.

Burt knew people looked at him and assumed he was a tough man, but the truth was he was a big softie. And now, looking at his son, he dissolved into tears.

“Dad, don’t cry,” Kurt said with a frown.

Burt enveloped his son in his arms, holding him tightly.

“Kurt, you don’t understand. I didn’t know if you’d ever wake up,” Burt said tearfully. “I almost lost you.”

“But you didn’t,” Kurt said through his tears. “Blaine saved me.”

Kurt looked at his fiancé over his father’s shoulder.

“Blaine always saves me,” Kurt said with reverence.

“And I always will,” Blaine returned.

Burt smiled fondly at his two sons; and that’s what Blaine was, regardless of blood. He had saved Kurt’s life more than once and this time Kurt had died but Blaine brought him back. Burt could never repay Blaine for that.

“I’m so glad you’re okay, Kurt,” Carole said.

“I am too, Mom,” Kurt said.

Carole pressed a kiss to Kurt’s forehead.

“Your brother wanted to come but as visiting hours haven’t started yet they’d only allow us to see you,” she told him as she straightened up.

“I’m sure he and Rachel are waiting in the parking lot now,” Kurt said with a chuckle.

“And Cooper,” Blaine interjected. “He came in from Los Angeles.”

The nurse dressed in purple scrubs, who Kurt had learned was named Cathy, entered the room before Kurt could ask any questions. She was pushing an empty wheelchair in front of her.

“I’m sorry, folks, but I’m here to take Kurt for his MRI,” Cathy said cheerfully. “Do you think you can manage the wheelchair or should I wheel your bed down there?”

“The wheelchair is fine,” Kurt assured her. He swung his legs over the side of the bed but before he could stand Blaine was standing in front of him.

“Let me help,” Blaine said.

“I can do it, Blaine,” Kurt said. He didn’t want to be treated like an invalid.

“Please,” Blaine insisted, giving Kurt his best puppy dog eyes.

Kurt melted instantly, smiling as he consented, “Fine.”

Blaine slipped under Kurt’s good arm, holding him tightly around the waist as he helped him to stand. After lying in bed for a week, Kurt’s legs weren’t used to bearing his weight; Kurt stumbled, falling into Blaine’s chest.

“I’ve got you,” Blaine said. Ignoring Kurt’s protests, he swept Kurt off his feet and deposited him in the wheelchair.

“This shouldn’t take long,” Cathy assured the group. She began to wheel Kurt out of the room, laughing when Blaine tried to follow. “Blaine, I’m sorry but you have to stay here.”

“But-”

“No buts,” Cathy cut off his remonstration.

“Blaine, I’ll be fine,” Kurt assured him. “It’s just an MRI to make sure everything’s still intact with my arm.”

“I can’t leave you,” Blaine said seriously.

Kurt eyed him carefully, raising one eyebrow.

“You haven’t left since I was admitted, have you?”

Blaine didn’t bother lying; he knew Kurt would see right through it. Instead he said, “I didn’t want you to wake up alone.”

“Baby, I will be okay, I promise.” Kurt took Blaine’s hand, tugging him forward. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“Forever.”

“And always,” Blaine finished.

Kurt smiled, pulling Blaine down for a kiss before Cathy shooed Blaine out of the way and disappeared with Kurt. Blaine sighed heavily, turning back to face Burt and Carole.

“It’s just a routine MRI, honey,” Carole assured him.

“You should’ve known Kurt wouldn’t let you stay with him 24/7 once he woke up,” Burt said, clasping Blaine on the shoulder. “That son of mine is too headstrong. Then again, so is his fiancé.”

Blaine chuckled. With a smile he said, “Thanks, Dad.”

Blaine froze, his eyes widening comically. Burt didn’t hesitate before pulling Blaine in for a hug, blinking back tears that he hoped Blaine wouldn’t notice.

“You’re welcome, son.”

Blaine relaxed in Burt’s embrace. Carole smiled at the two of them. Seeing her watching them, Blaine pulled her into the hug. Carole threw her head back, laughing gleefully. When they broke apart, Blaine was struck with a thought.

“I’m going to go down to the gift shop and get Kurt some flowers. Do you need anything?” he asked.

“We’re fine, sweetheart. Take your time,” Carole said with a smile.

Blaine patted his pocket to make sure he had his wallet before leaving the Hudmels with one last smile.

K/B

When Blaine returned to the room, Kurt was sitting up in bed talking with his father and stepmother. Blaine strode into the room. Kurt smiled when he saw him, narrowing his eyes as he realized Blaine was hiding something behind his back.

“What are you hiding?” Kurt asked.

Grinning widely, Blaine pulled a red and white bouquet of flowers from behind his back. Kurt smiled brilliantly, accepting the bouquet from his fiancé.

“Blaine,” Kurt breathed.

“There are snowdrops for hope, Chinese chrysanthemums for cheerfulness under adversity, red sweet Williams for gallantry, and roses of red and white together for unity,” Blaine said.

“Come here,” Kurt said, tugging Blaine down onto the bed beside him. He wrapped his good arm around his fiancé, kissing him deeply.

Burt cleared his throat; the boys pulled apart.

“I have a vase,” Blaine said, producing one in his other hand.

Carole took the vase from Blaine and the flowers from Kurt, saying, “I’ll put these in some water.”

Kurt settled himself in Blaine’s arms, listening to the beating of his lover’s heart. Carole pulled Burt to his feet, ushering him towards the door.

“We’re going to see if Finn, Rachel and Cooper are here,” Carole said.

Kurt and Blaine both knew she was giving them an excuse for a moment alone, and they were grateful. The morning had been very overwhelming and they had scarcely had a moment alone as the hospital staff were constantly bustling in and out of the room.

Once they’d left, Kurt looked up at Blaine.

“I don’t deserve you.”

“What’re you talking about?” Blaine asked in confusion.

“I’ve put you through so much already, and now this. . . . It’s not fair to you, Blaine. I hate myself for hurting you,” Kurt said, his eyes filling with tears.

“Don’t you dare say that, Kurt Hummel. I would do anything for you; you know that,” Blaine said.

“How did I get here? How did I become this person?” Kurt asked through his tears.

“Kurt-”

“Don’t, please, just let me. . . .”

Kurt wiped his tears away as he began to sing.

I open my eyes;

I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light.

I can’t remember how;

I can’t remember why

I’m lying here tonight.

When Kurt had first hurt himself, he never could have imagined how bad things would become. He never thought he would die from blood loss. He never thought Blaine would have to save his life by administering CPR. He never thought he would have possible permanent nerve damage to his hand. But all of that had happened and there was nothing Kurt could do to change it.

And I can’t stand the pain;

And I can’t make it go away.

No, I can’t stand the pain.

Kurt knew he had to stop hurting himself; he just didn’t know how. Self-harm was the only way he could control the pain he felt every day. Without it, who knew where he would end up? Kurt was afraid of the answer to that question.

How could this happen to me?

I made my mistakes.

I’ve got nowhere to run;

The night goes on

As I’m fading away.

I’m sick of this life.

I just wanna scream.

How could this happen to me?

Kurt hated the person he had become. He used to be happy; now he was miserable. With everything he had been through the past few years, Kurt doubted he would ever be happy again. Of course Blaine made him happy but there was only so much even Blaine could do. The fact of the matter was Kurt had made his mistakes and he couldn’t run from them. Now he had to find a way to live with them without hurting himself.

Everybody’s screaming;

I try to make a sound but no one hears me.

I’m slipping off the edge;

I’m hanging by a thread.

I wanna start this over again.

Inside, Kurt felt as if he was screaming for help. But no one heard him, not until it was too late. By the time Blaine found out the extent of Kurt’s self-destructiveness he had already slipped over the edge of despair. He was scrambling to find a rope to climb back up but there was none to be found.

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered.

And I can’t explain what happened;

And I can’t erase the things that I’ve done.

No, I can’t.

Kurt wished there was a rewind button on life. He would go back to that faithful night and stop himself from ever cutting into his own skin. But Kurt had no explanation for why things had happened the way they had. Some may say it was God’s will but Kurt didn’t believe in God. If there were a God, he could easily erase everything that had happened. Nothing would ever be erased.

How could this happen to me?

I made my mistakes.

I’ve got nowhere to run;

The night goes on

As I’m fading away.

I’m sick of this life.

I just wanna scream.

How could this happen to me?

His entire life was falling apart before his eyes and he couldn’t stop it. Not only was Kurt’s Broadway career over before it began, the reality of being a NYADA student was harrowing. Kurt was tired of this life. He didn’t feel he could live it anymore, but what other choice did he have?

I made my mistakes.

I’ve got nowhere to run;

The night goes on

As I’m fading away.

I’m sick of this life.

I just wanna scream.

How could this happen to me?

Tears were spilling down Blaine’s face when Kurt finished singing. He tilted Kurt’s head up, brushing their lips together softly.

“I love you so much, Kurt. You’re the love of my life, and no matter what, I’m going to help you get better. I promise you that,” Blaine said.

Kurt was too touched to speak. Blaine smiled softly before sealing the promise with a kiss.

K/B

“I’m hungry,” Finn said from his seat under the window.

“You just ate,” Kurt said in disbelief. He would never get used to his stepbrother’s appetite.

“That was like twenty minutes ago,” Finn answered.

“Mom, I don’t know how you could afford to feed him as a single mother for so many years,” Kurt said jokingly.

“I managed somehow,” Carole said with a laugh.

Kurt shifted, jostling his arm in the sling. He groaned in pain, causing Blaine to jerk upright from where he was leaning back against the raised bed beside Kurt.

“What’s wrong?” he asked worriedly.

“Relax, my arm just hurts,” Kurt answered.

“Should I get a nurse?” Blaine asked.

Before Kurt could say no, Cathy was entering the room with an EKG machine. Blaine immediately slipped off the bed, moving out of the way so Cathy could reach Kurt.

“His arm hurts!” Blaine said hurriedly.

“It’s not that bad,” Kurt said exasperatedly.

“On a scale of one to ten, how bad is it?” Cathy asked, moving the machine over to Kurt.

“A six,” Kurt answered. “Honestly, it’s nothing I can’t live with.”

“I’ll go get you some pain medicine anyway to pacify your fiancé,” Cathy said with a smile.

“Thank you,” Blaine said.

As soon as Cathy left the room, Kurt turned to glare at Blaine.

“Why did you do that? I’m fine.”

“You’re in pain.”

“I’ve had worse.”

“That’s beside the point. You’re hurting now,” Blaine stressed.

Before Kurt could argue further, Cathy had returned with a syringe. Kurt’s IV had been removed as he no longer required antibiotics or fluids. His feeding tube and urinary catheter had also been removed. He was still on a liquid diet as he had gone so long without solid food in his stomach but the doctors had assured Blaine it was only for the time being.

Cathy inserted the syringe into Kurt’s PICC line and injected the medication. No sooner had Cathy administered the medication than her pager went off. She looked at the screen, furrowing her brow.

“I have to take care of this. I’ll be back to change your dressing and take an EKG in a few,” Cathy said before leaving the room.

Kurt felt the cool liquid of the medication spreading through his veins and couldn’t suppress a shiver.

“Do you need another blanket?” Blaine asked, already looking for one.

“Blaine, please, stop worrying so much. I promise if I need something I will tell you,” Kurt told him.

Blaine looked at him sheepishly. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. I know you’re concerned.”

“We all are,” Rachel interjected.

“And I wish you wouldn’t,” Kurt said, trying to hide his frustration.

“You stopped breathing, Kurt,” Blaine reminded him.

“Okay, everybody, let’s calm down,” Cooper said before things could escalate. “Let’s focus on the positives here. Kurt is going to be okay and soon he will be back home where he belongs.”

A strange look crossed Blaine’s face but before Kurt could ask any questions the medication kicked in and he was suddenly very tired. He blinked his eyes sleepily, fighting off a yawn.

“Feeling better?” Blaine asked, reaching out to take Kurt’s good hand.

“Yeah,” Kurt said dreamily.

Cathy reentered the room, laughing when she saw the dazed expression on Kurt’s face. She said, “I gather the medicine’s working.”

“It certainly appears that way,” Blaine answered.

“I’m going to change your bandage first, Kurt,” Cathy said.

“Okay,” Kurt answered, allowing Cathy to slip his arm out of the sling.

Cathy removed the bandages from Kurt’s wrist. She washed them slowly, trying to be as gentle as possible. Still, the pain of a wound so deep remained as Cathy cleansed it and Kurt hissed in pain. His mind was cleared from its drug-induced fog instantly.

“I’m sorry,” Cathy said. “I’m almost done.”

She rewrapped his wounds, tossing the old dressing in the trash.

“Now for the EKG. I’ll have to remove your gown. Are you wearing underwear?” she asked.

Kurt paused, answering slowly, “I don’t know.”

Finn laughed loudly. “You don’t know if you’re wearing underwear?”

“He’s on pain medication,” Blaine said, moving to Kurt’s side once more. He pulled the gown away from Kurt’s chest, peering down at his boyfriend’s body. “Yes, he’s wearing underwear.”

“Dude, really?” Cooper said as Finn asked, “Seriously?”

“Oh, come on. They’re engaged and they’re living together,” Burt said, shocking everyone. “It’s hardly surprising that they’re comfortable seeing each other naked.”

“Okay, moving on,” Cathy interrupted. “Kurt, can you sit up so I can untie your gown?”

Kurt complied, moving his arms to help Cathy slip the gown off of him. He let his gaze wander around the room as she stuck the electrodes to his torso and then attached the leads. As Cathy began to fiddle with the machine, Kurt’s eyes met Finn’s.

“You’re staring,” Kurt said matter-of-factly. Normally, he would try to hide his body away from anybody that wasn’t Blaine but under the influence of pain medication he couldn’t find it in himself to care.

“I’m sorry,” Finn said automatically.

“I know they’re ugly,” Kurt said, looking away.

Blaine opened his mouth to speak but Finn was already saying, “They’re not.”

Kurt turned to look at Finn in surprise. “What?”

“I said they’re not ugly. Your scars, I mean. You shouldn’t be ashamed, Kurt. They tell the story of your past and how you survived through it all,” Finn said wisely.

Maybe it was the drugs, but Kurt was too stunned to speak.

“He’s right,” Cathy said as she unhooked Kurt from the EKG machine.

No one else spoke, but no words were needed. They were comfortable in their silence.

K/B

“You’re going home,” Kurt said with finality.

“I’m not leaving you,” Blaine persisted.

“Blaine, you haven’t been home in a week. Go home, shower, and sleep in your own bed.”

“Our bed.”

“Fine, then go sleep in our bed.”

“I’m not leaving.”

“Blaine Devon Anderson, if you don’t go home tonight I won’t let you in this room tomorrow.”

"You’re not serious,” Blaine gaped at him.

Kurt gave him his best bitch glare.

“Fine, but I’m calling you before bed and first thing in the morning,” Blaine finally gave in.

“I’m sure you’ll call more than twice,” Kurt said teasingly.

“Shut up,” Blaine said fondly before kissing him.

“Mm,” Kurt groaned when Blaine ended the kiss, pulling him back for another one. When they broke apart again, Kurt pushed him away. “Okay, go before I change my mind.”

“I love you,” Blaine said with a smile.

“I love you too.”

“Forever?”

“Always.”

Blaine reluctantly left his fiancé in the hospital. It felt weird walking into the penthouse with his friends and family, especially without Kurt. After all, he hadn’t been home in a week and hadn’t been away from Kurt for just as long. Blaine bid everyone goodnight, trudging up the stairs to the master suite. He froze when he entered the bedroom. Blood. He had forgotten about the blood.

Their formerly white comforter was stained with dried blood. Blaine slowly walked around the bed, staring at the trail of blood that led from the bed to the bathroom. Moving quickly, Blaine grabbed the first cleaning agent he found in the bathroom and began to scrub at the floor with a sponge. He scrubbed harder and harder but still the blood wouldn’t disappear from the formerly white carpet. Frustrated and hurting, Blaine crumpled inward. He couldn’t restrain loud sobs from escaping his throat as he lay on the floor that was stained with his fiancé’s blood. He heard footsteps but didn’t acknowledge whoever entered the room.

“Blaine, what’s wrong?” Cooper asked, kneeling beside his brother on the ground.

“Blaine?” Rachel asked when he didn’t answer.

“His blood,” Blaine said helplessly.

Cooper and Rachel exchanged a look, knowing they couldn’t allow Blaine to stay in the room until the carpet and comforter had been replaced. Cooper lifted Blaine to his feet, guiding him from the room.

“Come on, little brother, you can sleep with me tonight. Just like old times, right?” Cooper said, remembering when Blaine was little and snuck into his bed after a nightmare.

Blaine didn’t speak as Cooper guided him through the house to the guest room. (Burt and Carole had insisted on getting a room in the hotel beneath the apartments.) Rachel followed several minutes later, having searched through Blaine’s dresser until she found a pair of pajamas for him to change into.

“He’ll be okay,” Cooper assured her when she was reluctant to leave.

“If you need anything I’m right down the hall,” Rachel said. She pressed a kiss to Blaine’s forehead before slipping out of the room.

“Come on, Bee, let’s get you ready for bed.”

Cooper managed to rouse Blaine to change and brush his teeth before he collapsed into bed, falling asleep instantly. Cooper slid into bed next to him, watching his little brother as he slept. He knew he had made the right decision coming to New York.

K/B

Saturday November 10, 2012

“Hello, Kurt. How are you feeling?” Andrew asked as he entered the hospital room.

“The pain isn’t too bad right now,” he answered.

“That’s good. I was worried when I spoke to your roommate, Rachel I believe,” Andrew said, sitting opposite Blaine on Kurt’s other side. “I’m glad you’re okay.”

“Thank you. You didn’t come here just to make small talk, did you?” Kurt asked insightfully.

“No, I didn’t,” Andrew answered. “I wanted to discuss your treatment plan.”

“What do you mean?” Kurt asked.

“Kurt, it’s my recommendation that you enter in-patient treatment at a rehabilitation center.”