“Shut up.” Kurt rolled his eyes and forced Blaine inside, shoving him towards the kitchen as he closed the door. “Blaine, it’s midday. Please tell me you didn’t skip school to come here.”

Blaine sat awkwardly on a chair as Kurt began slamming coffee-making equipment about.

“I had to, Kurt. I couldn’t concentrate. I feel so bad—”

“Blaine, please, stop it.” Kurt put down the mugs and walked over to the other boy, pulling him out of his chair. “I should be apologising. I can’t expect you to be here all the time.”

“Kurt, you don’t—”

Kurt cut him off again by pulling Blaine into his arms. “Can we just forgive each other and move on?”

“Aren’t we supposed be adults and talk things through?” Blaine said, head on Kurt’s shoulder.

“I expected things of you I shouldn’t have, you said things you shouldn’t have. There, done, talked about. I forgive you.”

“Kurt.” Blaine pulled back, putting a hand on each of Kurt’s shoulders. “It’s not that easy. What I said was awful and when I said it, I meant to hurt you. I knew what I was doing, Kurt, and that scares me.” He rested his forehead against Kurt’s, gripping the back of the other boy’s neck with his hand. “I was willing to hurt you because I was angry. You can’t forgive me for that when I can’t forgive myself.”

Kurt let Blaine hold him in silence for a few seconds, trying to think of a reply to that. “Why do you have to be so perfect?”

“What?” Blaine asked, laughing. “We were just talking about the horrible things I said to you. I’m not perfect.”

“But you know what to say. You know how to come back from this.”

There was something about Kurt when he was like this that made Blaine love him all the more. He couldn’t control himself when Kurt acted this way. He took one of Kurt’s hands and pressed his lips to the back of it. He wasn’t sure if his imagination invented the way the other boy’s breath caught in his throat.

“I don’t know what to say,” Blaine replied, lips still so close to Kurt’s skin that he was speaking against it, unaware of how the other boy was shaking at the contact. “I don’t know what I’m doing. Please just remember that it’s not your fault, okay? None of it.”

Kurt let himself breathe for a few seconds, trying to forget the feel of Blaine’s lips against his hand before he spoke so that he would say something coherent. Thankfully, the other boy lowered their hands, allowing Kurt to think more clearly.

“Blaine, I’m sorry for the way I acted.”

“Kurt, I just told you—”

“Stop it. This isn’t all on you. It takes two to tango, or whatever. I can’t resent you for not being like me and for wanting to share things with me.” He fussed with the lapels of Blaine’s Dalton blazer, smoothing them down as he thought out what he was about to say. “You should be able to get excited without it hurting me. Dates are just…they’re harder for me. You remember what we talked about before Christmas?”

Blaine nodded, taking Kurt’s hands to stop him from vainly straightening Blaine’s perfectly starched collar.

“So you can understand that…it’s hard for me because I won’t have that as a teenager, maybe ever.” He couldn’t look Blaine in the eye when he was avoiding the truth this way. He tugged on Blaine’s tie distractedly, pulling the other boy just a little bit closer. “That doesn’t mean I should take out my…frustration on you.”

“Nor should I on you.”

“But what do you have to be frustrated about?”

Blaine paused, realising his slip. “That…that I can’t have a normal friendship with you the way you deserve. I want to take you places, let you meet my parents and my friends. I know that I have no right to be annoyed about that, but I’m human, right?”

Kurt smiled and wrapped his arms around Blaine’s neck again. “Was that enough grown up talking for your conscience?”

“For today.”

“We have to do this again?”

“I don’t want there to be any residual anger in our friendship,” Blaine said. “We need to resolve this, but we can’t do that all in one day. I should never have said that I wasn’t connected to you and it will take both of us a while to move past that.”

“But you’re not.”

“Maybe not the way you are, but that doesn’t mean I’m not attached to you. Just because I’m not a faerie, doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”

Kurt lifted his head from the crook of Blaine’s neck. The shorter boy’s arms were still around his waist, so they were pressed very close against each other. Kurt cupped Blaine’s face in his hands and looked right into his eyes.

“I love you,” he said. He watched Blaine’s eyes, trying to determine what emotion he saw there. He wasn’t sure whether there was a flicker as Blaine hid something or whether that was just the light of the kitchen or Kurt’s own imagination. Blaine didn’t look away, but placed his hands over Kurt’s.

“I love you,” he replied. “And I’m sorry.”

Kurt couldn’t make himself break the eye contact. They were staring so deeply that the connection was almost tangible and Kurt was sure this had to mean something. This had to be further than friendship. Then again, what did Kurt know?

I need you – K

Mercedes arrived only half an hour after the message. She hugged Kurt before he was even able to open the door properly, then pulled back and examined his expression.

“What’s wrong?”

Kurt towed her inside, keeping her as close to him as possible and sat them both on the couch.

“I need to tell you something and I need you not to be angry that I didn’t say it before.” When she just nodded, Kurt carried on. “When I touched Blaine, you know that I connected to him. I..I’ve been lying to everyone about exactly how.” She frowned, evidently not understanding. “I fell in love with him,” Kurt said in a rush.

Mercedes opened and closed her mouth a couple of times. She seemed utterly dumbstruck. Eventually, she spluttered out a few words. “But, Kurt, how? Does he–?”

“He has no idea. You’re the first person I’ve told.”

“Kurt, why didn’t you tell him the moment you realised?”

“He wasn’t in love with me, ’Cedes. He wouldn’t have forgiven himself for letting that happen and it would never have worked out. It’s better this way.”

“With him being clueless while you suffer it out alone?” Mercedes asked, shaking her head at him. “Kurt, please tell me you don’t think this is your fault. You can’t punish yourself or whatever it is that you’re doing by not telling him.”

Kurt slid off the couch, walking to the window as he crossed an arm across his stomach, resting the elbow of the other on it and placing his chin on his hand. “But it is my fault. I knew there was a chance this might happen and I went ahead and did it anyway. It was stupid. I’m not making myself pay by not telling him, though,” he said, speaking over Mercedes protests against him claiming responsibility. “I just knew that if I did, he might have left me to let me get over him. I couldn’t survive that Mercedes.”

He didn’t realise she had moved until she wrapped her arms around his waist from behind. She rested her head between his shoulder blades. “I don’t think he would have left you, Kurt. In whatever way, Blaine does love you. I wouldn’t give up on a future with him so easily. Even if your feelings can’t change, his can.”

“What if they can change?” Kurt asked quietly. “My feelings, I mean. Is that possible?”

She tightened her arms around his waist. “I don’t know. I’ve never heard of it happening and you know how much research I’ve done over the years. And you’re still my friend, aren’t you? We’re still the same.”

“Yes.” He picked at his bottom lip with the nails of his thumb and forefinger. “So you think I’ll always love him? I can never just be his friend.”

“Now that you’ve experienced being in love with him, do you really want to go back to the way you were before? I know it was probably easier that way, but don’t you prefer these emotions? It gives him a chance to fall in love with you, Kurt.”

“Being in love is amazing,” Kurt said, placing his arms over Mercedes’ and tugging her closer. “It hurts of course, but the times when it doesn’t...”

“So you won’t give up on him?”

Kurt sighed, slotting his fingertips between the backs of her knuckles. “I couldn’t if I tried.”

They made it through the end of January and into early February as well as could be expected. They didn’t fight, but Kurt thought that might be worse. The two of them ended up tiptoeing around each other. Whatever undercurrents of discomfort there had been in their relationship before were now magnified. There were more things left unsaid in an attempt not to pick at scabs. Strange things changed, like Blaine no longer doing his homework around the other boy. Kurt wasn’t sure where the Blaine did his work, although he assumed at school, considering he turned up a little later these days. Before, Kurt would have made a comment about this, but he didn’t want to come across as trying to control Blaine again. He knew the other boy was trying to spare Kurt anything that might remind him of his situation, but by doing so to such a degree, Blaine only made it worse.

When Kurt handed Blaine the outfit he had been working on for the last few weeks, it was not as momentous a moment as he had hoped. Everything they did was tinged with awkwardness as they figured out the boundaries of their friendship and whether they had changed, while remaining afraid to push too hard. Kurt passed over the garments a little too hastily; Blaine accepted them with a smile that was a little too wide. They were skewed now, friendship not aligned the way it had once been. They were pinned and well and truly sprawling, unsure which way to twist to make everything fit again.

Kurt frequently stopped himself from asking about Jeremiah, the beautiful GAP manager. He not only wanted to save himself the pain of listening to Blaine rave about the man, but he also wasn’t sure how to broach the subject that had caused such a rift between them. There were days when Blaine didn’t come over, but he always texted Kurt as to why. He was taking every measure that he could not to incite jealousy while also attempting to assure Kurt that being jealous was okay; that it was expected of someone who lived the way he did and he shouldn’t be ashamed of it.

Mercedes continually asked Kurt if she could come over while Blaine was there. He refused too many times, resulting in her turning up uninvited one day.

“What are you doing here?” Kurt hissed.

“Visiting my best friend.” She pushed past him. “Hey, Blaine.”

The other boy looked up from his book, which he was reading while curled up on the couch. He smiled as he greeted Mercedes and Kurt noted that that was one of the most genuine smiles he had seen from Blaine since their argument. Mercedes settled herself beside the boy, pulling his legs across her lap and forcing him to close his book and chat to her. Kurt sat in the chair opposite them, glaring at Mercedes every time he caught her eye. He didn’t know exactly what she was doing, but he could tell it was something he wouldn’t approve of.

“So, Blaine,” Mercedes said with a squeeze to the boy’s foot. “Anyone special in your life right now?”

Kurt stared at her, unable to believe she was actually doing this. He wanted to jump up and distract Blaine or do something violent to Mercedes, but his curiosity made him sit still. Unwillingly, he kept his mouth shut and let his eyes slide to Blaine. The other boy looked at Kurt before he answered. Kurt knew he was wondering whether this would be too painful a conversation for him, but Mercedes squeezed his foot again and raised her eyebrows at him.

“Er...” He glanced at Kurt once more. “No. There...I went on a date about a week ago, but it...it didn’t work out.”

“Oh? That’s sad.What happened?”

“He just wasn’t right, you know?” Blaine said, scratching his head in his discomfort. “He was way older than me and I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t fit with me.” Blaine forced himself not to look at Kurt again. He would just give it away if he did that and now really was not the time. Even if Kurt could love him back, they were in too bad a place right now.

“Of course,” Mercedes said, thankfully helping Blaine to keep his eyes fixed on her by speaking. “Nobody wants to be stuck in an imperfect relationship.”

Blaine nodded and curled into the back of the couch. “I don’t think I ever really liked him. I was just distracted by his spectacular head of hair.”

Mercedes giggled and Kurt couldn’t stop a smile from working its way onto his face. Blaine did look at him then and grinned when he saw that Kurt was finding humour in this conversation. It was the most carefree glance they had shared since the week before and Kurt felt his heart warm at the idea. He watched Blaine interact with Mercedes with less of a weight in his chest. He knew that they weren’t perfect yet. They were still stuck in the in-between stage, not quite fighting but not in perfect harmony. He knew that as soon as Mercedes left there would be a noticeable change to the conversation; that it would become more stilted and careful. He didn’t find himself as worried by that idea as he would have been before. They had smiled at each other and it had been real. Blaine was not spending all his time away from Kurt with store managers, folding sweaters while they whispered sweet nothings to each other. For now, Kurt thought he might be able to live with that.