I woke up a few hours later, my eyes are sore and red. It is always bad to fall asleep crying. But I did so it is my own fault. Everything is my fault. Its my fault mom is dead. Its my fault my dad is dead. Its my own fault I got kicked out. Its my own fault that I got bullied. Its my own fault I'm not perfect, or skinny. Its my own fault I am gay. Oh no, bad thoughts Kurt, don't think about it. Don't, don't, don't. I tell myself.

I get out of bed and put some clothes on, walk downstairs and make breakfast. I stand in the kitchen staring at my breakfast. Those bad thoughts come back. Well one of them. But I try to not think about it. The thought is coming after me. Telling me not to eat my breakfast. Just throw it in the trashcan and don't look back. No I can't. I need food to survive. One meal don't care. All those thoughts are following me but one is sticking in my head all morning. Its my own fault I'm not perfect, or skinny. Skinny. Skinny. Skinny. Skinny, maybe it will help?

I stare for some more minutes at my breakfast before throwing it away. I don't look at it. Blaine isn't home, he went to soccer practice a few hours ago. Why the hell does he need to play soccer so damn early. I get away from the kitchen. From food. I go to my room to see if Mercedes want to hang out. She was my only friend in high school. But after graduation we grew a little apart, what was a little over a month ago. So I still have a month of summer, and then maybe I am going to new York even if I have nowhere to study. Because of my dad who was in the hospital for so long I didn't look into schools. But I know want to go to new York so maybe I can go with him. With Blaine. I felt the need to eat. My stomach needs food but I can't, I need to stay skinny. I know its wrong to think like this but I can't handle it. I don't know how to get those stupid thoughts out of my head. I hate that they are there, they have always been there. I need to do something to keep my mind of things, but I don't know what...

After a few hours of doing nothing and eating one little cookie I hear Blaine walking in. I turn around to look at the door and see him standing. Looking at me. “Hey babe, how was your day?” He asked me. “Fine, how was yours?” Lies, always lies. Deep dark lies. “Great, we won. Justin got hurt but it was a great game.” He hugs me from behind. I hope he doesn't feel my skinny, uh fat body. “You're beautiful.” He whispers in my ear. I shook my head. But I say: “Thank you B, but you're the gorgeous one here.”  He laughs. We talk a little before settling down on the couch. 

After a few minutes of kissing I lie my head down on his chest and play with his fingers. His fingers are long and tan. I love it when his hand is in mine, our hands fit perfectly. I love him, I love him so much. Do I really need to get skinnier? He loves me for who I am right? 

“Babe,what are you thinking about? I can almost hear you.” “Noting B, nothing.” He looks at me, he knows Im lieing. He always knows. “Tell me, baby.” He stares into my eyes. “You love me right? I don't have to be skinnier right? Am I fat? You love me, so I don't need to be skinnier right? Or do I? Am I fat? I think I am.” I don't look him in his eyes. After a few minutes I look up. I seehis face, his lips are not smiling, a tear drops from his face, his eyes look sad. “Am I fat?” I ask.