Chapter Three

November 2012

Blaine was curled up in the window seat in the Dalton Academy common room, his forehead propped against the pane. There was a driving rain outside, and he watched dreamily as the drops pelted the window and ran down in rivulets.  He admired the intense green of the wet leaves on the trees outside against the soft, pearly gray sky.  Everything in the world seemed more beautiful, more alive, lately. Kurt had made all the difference. He turned the world radiant and rainbow-colored for Blaine, just by being Kurt.

Blaine was madly in love, and he was fairly sure that his soulmate loved him in return. All the signs were there. Kurt had sought him out every day for nearly two weeks now, picking him up from school and often taking him out on dates to the movies or to plays. On Saturday theyd driven to Columbus for a lecture on gay rights. And even when there was nothing particular to do, when he was just allowed to hang out with Kurt and soak up his amazingness, he was happier than he ever remembered being in his life. He felt so honored that Kurt wanted to spend so much time with him.

Still, a persistent doubt refused to totally silence itself in his heart. The thing was, Kurt hadnt tried to kiss him or even hold his hand during all this time.  He certainly hadnt asked to be boyfriends. But why would Kurt spend so much time with him, if he didnt like Blaine "that way"? Why did he act so jealous and possessive with Sebastian, and go so far out of his way to discourage Blaine from dating him? He and Kurt got along incredibly well, and had so much fun together. Maybe Kurt was waiting for a signal or a move from him? Could that be it?

The door opened and Sebastian slid in to the room, shutting the door behind himself with a grin when he saw Blaine. "Hey Sexy," he murmured.

Blaine returned his grin. Sebastian was so funny, always teasing him like that. "Hi, Sebastian."

Sebastian ambled over, hands in his pockets and a cocky grin on his face. Blaine wished he had that much self-confidence. Sebastian sure knew how to get a guy's attention, and he  often regaled the Warblers with tales of his many conquests. Blaine imagined Seb could  get pretty much any gay or bi man he went after.

Of course, Blaine wasnt into all that player stuff. He was interested in just one special connection - with Kurt. But Sebastian must have some secrets to his success with men. Maybe hed be willing to pass some of that on, seeing as how theyd gotten to be good friends, eating lunch together every day and texting and instant messaging quite a lot. It couldnt hurt to ask a pro like Sebastian for some advice on how to make his big move.

"What are you doing, hiding that pretty face away in here?" Sebastian asked, still smiling.

"Well, theres a few minutes before Warbler practice. I was taking some time to think."

"Looked more like daydreaming," Sebastian observed.

"Maybe. Listen, I need some advice and youre just the guy to ask."

Sebastian raised his eyebrows  in surprise. "Sure thing, Killer. Whats on your mind?" Blaine scooted over and nodded for Sebastian to have a seat next to him.

He fiddled with his fingers for a moment, blushing. He hadnt said the words out loud yet, not to anybody. Unable to meet Sebastian's eye, he finally  whispered: "I have a secret. Im in love."

Sebastian nodded, looking intrigued. "Go on."

"Its somebody Ive been spending a lot of time with lately, and Id like to let him know that I'm ready to... take it to the next level in our relationship." He looked out the window wistfully. "The thing is, hes a few years older than me, and Im not sure hes looking for a relationship. Especially with me. Id like to show him how I feel, but Im afraid it might ruin our friendship if he isnt looking for something serious."

Blaine sneaked a sidelong look, and was encouraged that Sebastian didnt look sarcastic or amused. He was listening intently, with a soft, kind look on his face that Blaine hadnt seen before. "Would it be too much if I told this guy how I  feel  by serenading him? Would you like that, or would you think it was weird and over-the-top?"

Sebastian gave his shoulder an encouraging nudge.   "I think any guy would love it, Blaine. And I think you should go for it, the sooner the better."

Blaine blew out a breath of relief.  "Im so glad you think its a good idea! I thought I might ask you and the Warblers to back me up musically. At the Lima Bean. Would that be okay?"

"Well, its not customary. But ... as team captain, I officially approve," Sebastian smiled, pressing Blaines hand.  "Ill get the guys to go for it. Trust me."

They smiled at each other companionably for a moment before the other Warblers started filing in.

Sebastian let go of Blaine's hand and whispered, curious, "But why the Lima Bean?"

"Because the guy I like works there,” Blaine whispered back. You met him that one time there, remember? Kurt Hummel?"

There was something off about Sebastian's face for a moment, but then it settled into a cool, casual look.  “Ah, yes. Kurt.  Interesting.”

“You think he's out of my league, don't you?” Blaine asked, deflated at Sebastian's reaction.   “I know he is, but I really, really like him, Seb. If anybody can give me advice about how to impress him, it's you.  You know all about how to win the guys over, right?”

“Not everything, apparently.”  Sebastian shook his head. “So you've got Feelings, then, young gay Jedi? And you want to know where you stand once and for all with Hummel?”

“Yes, exactly.”

The grandfather clock struck four o'clock, Warbler meeting time.  Blaine gave a last pleading look, and Sebastian finally assented.  "I agreed to help and Im a man of my word. Let's ask the guys if they'll do it.  What song do you have in mind?”

“You know the Robin Thicke song, ‘When I Get You Alone'?”

Sebastian's eyes widened.  “That's … a big song, Blaine.”

Blaine sagged in his seat, discouraged again. “You think it's too much, don't you?  Maybe it's too raunchy for - -”

Sebastian cut him off.  “Not at all!  This is a go-big-or-go-home moment!  Its absolutely the perfect choice.   He'll be sure to get the message, with no room for misinterpretation … and any gay guy would love to have a hot guy like you sing him that song, in front of as many people as possible.  I'm sure he'll be totally flattered and eating out of your hand … or whatever else you want him to do to you … before you know it.”

“Really?  Gee, thanks, Sebastian.  You're a pal.”

Sebastians smile seemed a little strained, suddenly. “Don't mention it … pal,” he said. “Let's start this meeting so we can get you two on the road to becoming Mr. and Mr. Kurt Hummel.”

~ * ~

This was it.  The big day had finally arrived, and Blaine had attended to every detail.  He had worked for hours on the acapella arrangement for the Robin Thicke song, taking care to perfect all eight parts of harmony for the Warblers.  He made decoy plans with Kurt for after his shift.  As far as Kurt knew, Blaine would be meeting him so that they could go shopping for sheet music for Blaine's audition for a solo at Sectionals.    And thanks to Sebastian, The Warblers were totally on board with Blaine's plan, and had devoted an entire practice session to learning the lyrics and choreography, with the common room furniture carefully rearranged to replicate the Lima Bean's floor plan.  It had taken some convincing, but Sebastian had spoken eloquently about how it would build their sense of brotherhood and camaraderie to help Blaine, and sharpen them as competitors to move outside their comfort zone and perform publicly.  Everything was in readiness.

So why was he so sick with nerves?  

Sebastian was a great cheerleader, encouraging him at the last moment when he almost bailed on the whole spectacle, and Blaine reflected that he was lucky to have such a selfless friend.  He made a mental note to get Sebastian something awesome for his eighteenth birthday next week, to thank him for all his support.  

But so much rode on this performance.  If Kurt rejected him, it could get awkward for them as friends, and was the last thing Blaine wanted. But Sebastian kept telling him  to man up and take his shot, and he was right. It was show time.

Blaine stood next to Sebastian and gazed longingly across the Lima Bean. Kurt looked amazing, as always, so slender and poised, yet strong, and so cute in his little green apron ringing up customers at the register.  Please like me back. Please.

“Let's do this, Killer,” Sebastian said, stepping forward and conducting the boys in the opening ‘dum dum dum dum's.  Before Blaine knew it, his instincts as a performer took over.

The song went brilliantly.  Blaine  was in top form, and throwing himself into the performance and committed himself completely. He twirled around the cafe, leapt onto tables, and  and emoted with everything he had.  Even the Lima Bean patrons danced along and seemed to love it.  But beneath his show-smile, Blaine was perturbed at Kurt's reaction.

Kurt looked stunned and not necessarily in a good way,  and he was shooting anxious looks at his boss.  Blaine dimly registered, even as he pushed through the second verse and into the final chorus, that Miss Althea was standing with arms crossed and an angry expression  on her face. Even though he was increasingly aware that things were going very, very wrong, the performer in Blaine couldn't resist the big finish.  He vaulted from the table where he'd been singing and dancing surrounded by the crowd of Warblers,  dropped  into a running slide, and twirled back up  to stand at the register, holding up a bag of biscotti and grinning desperately and hopefully at Kurt.

The crowd burst into applause around them. But the moment stretched into something like torture between himself and Kurt, who was leaning on the counter, his eyes squeezed shut in obvious embarrassment.  Blaine felt tears threatening to rise up, but he swallowed hard and  tried to say something, anything, but Kurt's boss was already there, silencing him before he could even begin.  “Get out,” she hissed.

“Ma'am  - - I - -“

“Get out.  You're banned, and so are the rest of you,” Miss Althea said, her eyes flashing at the Warblers, who stood abashed like a pack of naughty puppies expecting a swat on the nose with a newspaper.  “I won't have this in my shop – dancing and climbing all over the tables, acting like lunatics –“

“Althea, wait,” Kurt said, placatingly. “He didn't mean to cause a disturbance, he's a good kid –“

“And I'll talk to you in the back.  Now,” she snapped.  “Give me your apron.”

Blaine looked back and forth.  “But ma'am – the customers – they liked it,” he pleaded. “Everybody applauded— and Kurt, it's not his fault.  He had no idea I was going to do this.”

“I told you twice to get out, young man.  Don't make me have to call the police.”

Sebastian came forward and patted Blaine on the shoulder. “C'mon, Killer.  Let's go.”  Blaine glanced at Kurt, who sighed with a slight smile as he tugged at his apron strings, and tilted his head toward the door.

“Wait for me outside, okay?” Kurt murmured.  He slipped the apron off over his head and turned to follow his irate boss into the back.  Sebastian pulled at his arm again and Blaine, chastened and humiliated, allowed himself be led toward the door.

All the Warblers filed out sheepishly. The sympathetic customers applauded and patted them on the shoulders on the way out, but that was no comfort now. Blaine couldn't understand why Miss Althea  was so angry.  Or why she was  going to yell at Kurt and why she had taken his apron.  Everything was ruined; something that was supposed to be sexy and romantic was turning into a nightmare.  

The only silver lining was Sebastian, who was being a great, supportive  friend as always. He dismissed the rest of the Warblers while leading Blaine to a bench outside the coffee shop.  “I'd better stick around,” Sebastian said, deep concern written all over his face.  “I'm really, really sorry it didn't go like we planned, buddy … I can't figure why, but I think Kurt is pretty pissed off.  I've got my car here if you want to just take off.”

“I can't do that!  Kurt asked me to wait, and the least I can do is apologize.  Maybe if I talked to his manager I could make things okay again.  Do you really think he was angry at me?”

“Well, I don't know for sure, but it kind of looked like it.   I mean, I'd think he would be flattered, but he seemed really mad,” Sebastian said, shifting a little closer and patting Blaine's knee. “I'll just stay here until he's said his piece, in case you need a ride home or a shoulder to cry on afterwards.”

Blaine was thanking Sebastian when Kurt came out of the Lima Bean, looking around and catching sight of them.  Blaine jumped up from the bench and approached him.

“Kurt,” he said, but that was all his overwhelmed  brain could come up with.  He was relieved and pained at the same time to see a kind, gentle look on Kurt's face.  It meant that Kurt wasn't really mad, but it was obvious that he was preparing to let Blaine down easy. .

Kurt's face was a mixture of concern and confusion.  “Blaine, what were you thinking?  Putting on a big show like that where I work?  Stepping on tables where people are trying to eat?  What even was that?”

“Did you get into a lot of trouble?” Blaine faltered.

“I got fired, actually.”

Blaine gaped at him and started stammering an apology, but Kurt waved it off. “I was on thin ice there already, you were just the final straw,” he admitted.   “Blaine -- you were amazing.  The customers loved it, and under other circumstances … well … I'd be very flattered, but you have to realize - -”

Kurt broke off and looked over Blaine's shoulder at Sebastian lingering in the background.  “Why are you hanging around like a vulture staring at us?  Don't you have something else to do? Is grindr down for maintenance or something?  This is a private conversation.”

“I'm here to support Blaine as a friend.  And I drove us here, so I'm staying to give him a ride home.”

Kurt's eyes narrowed at Sebastian.“Yeah, well, there's no need, Timon.  I can take him home.  C'mon, Blaine.”  He took Blaine by the arm and clicked his car key toward his nearby Lincoln.  “Let's go.”

Blaine looked back miserably at Sebastian, who mouthed, “call me later.”  Blaine nodded and climbed into the passenger seat of Kurt's car.  They drove in silence for the short trip to Blaine's house.  

Once there, Blaine walked toward the house beside Kurt, feeling like it was the Green Mile instead of his dads' neatly landscaped lawn.  His heart was  leaden and heavy with dread.

Once inside the house, he automatically opened the door to the kitchen and drew up abruptly.  Rachel was in there, taking a sheet of oatmeal cookies out of the oven, while watching Les Miserables on the kitchen TV and humming along.  Blaine winced; in all the lead-up to the Lima Bean Attack, he had forgotten his sister would be home for the weekend.  He started to back up, but it was too late.  She saw Blaine and Kurt and smiled her brightest smile.  

“Hey guys,” she chirped.  “Grab a glass of milk and dig in.  Just let ‘em cool for a couple minutes first, okay?”  

“Rachel, can we have a few minutes in here, please?” Kurt asked, sitting down at the kitchen island.  “Blaine and I were having an important conversation about … well, a gay thing.  You wouldn't understand.”

"Hey. I have two gay dads, a gay brother, and a gay best friend.  I may not be gay myself, but –“

“Trust me, Rachel, this isn't something you'd understand.  Please.”

Rachel shrugged, and threw her dishtowel on the counter.  She scraped three cookies onto a plate and flounced off, tossing a “Fine” along with her hair over her shoulder.  They heard her feet patter up the stairs and the door to her room slam.

Blaine sat opposite Kurt at the kitchen island.   Naturally, Rachel's movie had to be at “On My Own”.  Perfect. “All my life, I've only been pretending/ Without me, his world will go on turning - -” Eponine sobbed. Blaine reached up and silenced her heartbreaking voice with a sharp click of the power button.  I feel you, Eponine, he thought drearily.  When he'd fallen  in love with Kurt, he had noticed that all the songs about finding your true love finally made sense, and seemed to be written specifically about how Kurt made him feel. He had finally learned what they all meant, from loving Kurt.  And he supposed his education was complete, because now he truly understood the sad ones, too.  This was what it meant to have a broken heart, and even that hackneyed term made all the sense in the world now.  It really felt like shards of his heart were piercing his soul.  

They sat in silence for a second more.   “Thanks for not saying what happened,” he finally murmured.  “To my sister.”

“Unfortunately she'll probably hear about it at some point,” Kurt said, reluctantly.  “You were really great, Blaine, from a performance standpoint - -  and, well, some of the customers taped you on their phones.  It's probably on Youtube by now.”

“Great.”

Kurt reached and took a cookie on a napkin, turning it around in front of him idly.  “Blaine, what were you trying to accomplish exactly?  What did you expect would happen?”

Kurt looked up and Blaine met his gaze steadily.  “I just… was trying to let you know.  That I love you.”   Sometimes the truth just barreled out of Blaine uncontrollably, and what was the point of being coy now, really?  

“I see.”  Kurt pushed the uneaten cookie away and reached across the counter  to take Blaine's hand, sending Blaine's heart into his throat for a brief moment of wild hope.  Even now, he wanted so much for Kurt to love him back that he could almost believe it might happen.  But Kurts next words sent his fluttering heart into his stomach.

“Blaine, honey.  You have to know that nothing can happen between us.”

Blaine sat there, feeling like he was frozen solid and motionless at the bottom of the ocean, while Kurt talked kindly at him in the flute-like, musical voice that Blaine loved so very much.  He caught words here and there:  “Not even legal.”  “Like a brother.”  And the last and worst, “You'll forget this in time.”  Blaine jerked his hand away like it was burned.

“No, I won't.  And don't talk about this like it's some stupid kid's crush.  It's not.  It's real.”

Kurt looked at him with pity, and Blaine felt a brief rush of irrational anger that Kurt was belittling his  feelings.  He might be only fourteen, but he knew his love was just as real and intense as anyone older might feel, maybe even more, and not even Kurt had the right to diminish it.  But that brief resentment swiftly melted away to nothing as Kurt continued.  Kurt was so kind, so compassionate and wonderful and patient.  So impossibly out of reach.  He kept making Blaine love him even more all the time, even when it felt like Kurt was pulling Blaine's heart out of his chest and handing it back, bleeding and broken and rejected, with a polite and considerate no thank you.

Kurt continued, his voice understanding.   “I can tell you from experience that as real as your feelings may seem, time will fade them.  I've been exactly where you are, many times, thinking I was in love with someone who didn't feel the same way. I know it hurts like hell.  But … with every one of those guys, I got over it, and we stayed friends.”

Blaine frowned.  He knew his own feelings for Kurt wouldn't fade; that was just crap and nonsense.  What struck him, though, was that someone had turned Kurt down?  It didn't seem possible.  “Who –“

Kurt opened his mouth to answer, but then seemed to change his mind.  He just shook his head.  “I'd rather not get into that, if you don't mind … but the first time, it was someone a lot older.  Just like you and me.  And they were all straight,” he admitted, shamefaced.

Well.  That explained it.  Blaine was thoroughly convinced that Kurt could have anyone he wanted if they were gay.  

And he didn't want Blaine.  

“I hope you and I can stay friends,” Kurt said, squeezing Blaine's wrist softly.    “It would break my heart if we didn't.”

“Join the club.  My heart's broken too," he choked, trying not to look at Kurt directly.  

An awkward, painful pause filled the room.  “I see,” Kurt responded finally.  “I'm sorry, Blaine.   If you change your mind …”

Kurt stood up to leave, and Blaine shook himself, jumping down from his own stool and clutching at Kurt's sleeve.  “Wait.  Wait, I'm sorry.  I know this is my fault, I misunderstood, I thought we were … kind of dating.  I wanted to think so, anyway,“ he admitted.  “I guess I made it up in my head.”  He dropped Kurt's arm and stood helplessly in front of him, shoulders drooping.

“That's probably my fault,” Kurt sighed, looking down at him with kind eyes.  “I didn't mean to mislead you, but I can see how you got the wrong idea from all the time we've spent together lately.  I was … well, I was trying to be a good friend to Rachel and look out for you.”  Seeing Blaine's sickened expression, he hastened to add: “I like you for your own sake, of course, and I was happy to spend time with you!  But only as a friend, or, like, a big brother.  It would be so wrong for anything more to happen between us. You're fourteen and I'm eighteen.  Please try to understand.”

But Blaine didn't understand. He knew he loved Kurt, that he belonged to and with Kurt, and he knew it in his very bones and with every beat of his broken heart.  Numbers and laws meant nothing.  

But Kurt was being clear.  There was nothing Blaine could say to change the fact that it wouldn't happen for them; not now, probably not ever.  

Kurt's face had turned sad and  worried, and Blaine couldn't bear that.  And he found that he also couldn't bear the thought that Kurt wouldn't be in his life at least in some way.  “I understand.  If you can forgive me for getting you fired, I – I want to still be friends too.  I promise I won't bring this up again if it makes things weird.  I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't see you every day.”

If possible, this just made Kurt look even sadder. “About that.  I meant to tell you something today.    I'm re-applying to NYADA and I got an internship at Vogue.com.  I'm traveling back to New York with Rachel next week.”  Blaine just stared at him.

“Can you try to be happy for me, Blaine?” Kurt asked gently after a moment.

Blaine nodded through  the blinding haze of brimming tears that  he'd been fighting since the Lima Bean.   He felt Kurt pull him into a hug, and he clung to him unashamed, the tears raining softly onto Kurt's shoulder.  It felt so right, so perfect to finally be in Kurt's arms, but that was no real comfort when Kurt was going away and taking every dream and hope and ray of sunshine out of Blaine's world with him when he went.