Chapter 17

Gradually, Blaine's breathing evened out and he dropped off to sleep. Moving carefully, Kurt sat up and left his brand new husband in the hospital bed. He pressed Anna's hand and nodded to an uncomfortable-looking Hans, before heaving an exhausted breath and heading out into the waiting room.

He'd forgotten his own family was still there. His head down, Burt was flipping randomly and listlessly through a dog-eared, tattered copy of Good Housekeeping, while Carole leaned against his shoulder. Looking up and seeing Kurt, Burt dropped the magazine on the end table beside him and got up, hurrying over with Carole close behind. Without a word, he put his arms around Kurt, and Kurt allowed himself a moment to lean on someone else. To forget for a second that the weight of the world was resting on his shoulders, and let his Dad hold him like a little boy.

Rachel came up behind them and patted him on the back. “Kurt? Is Blaine okay? Is there anything we can do?”

“I don't know, I - - it's all just up in the air right now,” Kurt admitted, leaning his cheek against Burt's shoulder. “The main thing is, not to get him upset or stressed in any way, and just … hope for the best, I guess.”

After another moment, he put Burt's arms away gently and looked around for Blaine's Ohio obstetrician. Dr. Shelley was poring over the notebook that Kurt knew contained the notes for her book about Blaine, the world's only known pregnant cis-gendered man. She was writing notes intently and hadn't noticed him yet. He went over to stand by her chair and cleared his throat. "Dr. Shelley? Can we talk privately?"

“Of course,” she said, all eagerness. She jammed her notebook into her shoulder bag and stood up.

Throwing a quick apologetic look at a suspicious looking Burt, Kurt guided Dr. Shelley toward the elevator. “Let's go down to the cafeteria and talk a minute. In confidence?”

Dr. Shelley's brown eyes widened. “Oh, Kurt, that goes without saying. Anything about Blaine's condition is strictly confidential. He signed a HIPAA authorization permitting me to talk about his care with you, and only you.”

“This isn't about Blaine's condition.” He lowered his voice, looking back at Burt, who was staring after them with narrowed eyes. “It's … I need to consult you about a medical matter of my own, and I don't want it discussed with Blaine or my parents - - or anyone.”

“This is about you?” Dr. Shelley asked, confused. “But I'm a fetal maternal medicine doctor - - “ she stopped short and stared at Kurt, then down at his swollen belly. He reflexively crossed his arms, covering himself as best he could, but the doctor's knowing look said she was on to him. The elevator door slid open and Kurt gestured toward it. Stepping in, she waited for the door to close and then said with a hint of suppressed excitement, “You too? How far along are you?”

“I'm guessing the same as Blaine, 21, 22 weeks. I can't be sure, though, I haven't really had a workup or anything. But big enough that the school doctor could feel it.”

“My God, Kurt - - this is - - oh my God! It's … it's amazing!”

Kurt sighed and shrugged a shoulder, punching the button for the first floor, where the cafeteria was. “Yeah, amazing. Look, I … I need to talk to you about … options.”

Dr. Shelley's face fell. “What do you mean? Do you mean ... an abortion?” she hissed.

Irritated, Kurt snapped, “I realize that you were excited there for a minute to get a new Elephant Man to write your book about, now that the original's jumped ship to Dr. Ryan. But look at my situation, will you? I'm looking at the strong possibility that my husband will give birth to a severely premature baby … with major problems. And that's not the worst case scenario. If Blaine's blood pressure can't stay under control, he could have a stroke and be disabled or …” he choked “Even die. Then what am I supposed to do at 18 with a disabled husband, a disabled baby, and another baby on the way? Or … if Blaine dies ….” His eyes filled with tears, and he was unable to even finish that thought. “I need to know what would be involved if I decide … if I decide on a termination.”

“I'm afraid I can't be part of it if you make that decision,” Dr. Shelley said.

Kurt stared at her, open-mouthed, for a full minute before he found his voice. “You can't be serious. You're a doctor -- a specialist in pregnancy -- how can you be so judgmental?” he spluttered.

The elevator door slid open again and they stepped out into the lobby.

“Don't be ridiculous. It's not about judging you, it's the practicalities involved in your case. First off, it's major surgery at this point. I can't operate on you anywhere but in Ohio, at a hospital where I have surgical privileges. And the problem with that is, if you're past twenty weeks, the law in Ohio doesn't permit an abortion at all.”

“Well - - if I - - if I have to abort, then what surgery are you talking about? What would be involved?”

“Your surgeon would inject the fetus, and then do an open incision, similar to a c-section, to remove the products of conception. You'd need several weeks to fully recover, probably five or six days in the hospital post-operatively, and that's assuming it went smoothly, no complications.”

That wouldn't work, though. What would I tell Blaine as a cover story that wouldn't upset him or worry him …

Kurt shut his eyes. All he knew was he had to protect his husband. That was the number one priority, before anything else could be considered, Blaine had to stay safe. But how? How could he best shield his husband from stress and upset?

If he had the baby, that meant he would have to quit NYADA. Blaine would be worried and upset about that, and about Kurt's pregnancy in addition to his own. And how could they care for two babies and each other, without college degrees or in Blaine's case, even a high school diploma, even if everything miraculously turned out well for Blaine and both their babies? With no real jobs, it was going to be tight even with one baby, and now … he felt so overwhelmed.

But how could he keep the truth about an abortion from Blaine, especially if it was going to be that involved of a procedure? Blaine would surely suspect something if Kurt disappeared for a week or more and then came back looking different and recovering from a surgical incision. 

“I don't know,” he said weakly. “I don't know what to do, actually.” He leaned against the hallway wall.

“Kurt, you really do need to make up your mind one way or another soon. If you're terminating the pregnancy, you're very close to the viability line, the third trimester. It won't be easy to find a doctor who'll help you at all, once you pass that line. And if you're having the baby, you need to start prenatal care as soon as possible - -”

“I fucking know that, Doctor!” he shouted. Some passersby stared at him, and he quieted.

Dr. Shelley stroked his arm to calm him, and then sighed. “I don't think you do, Kurt. Dr. Tiller was murdered in Kansas five years ago for doing late-term abortions. Since then, there's only four doctors left in the whole country who do third-trimester abortions at all. None in New York, incidentally. Your best bet would probably be a doctor in Nebraska who still does them, but this is complicated by the fact that you need full-blown open abdominal surgery to remove the fetus. I'm not sure where you can go for this procedure after a few more weeks. If you're less than twenty-four weeks, maybe Dr. Ryan could do it, but ...”

Kurt closed his eyes and leaned against the wall, clutching his belly. “I have to do what's best for Blaine,” he whispered. “I have to. He comes first. I'll talk to Dr. Ryan about an abortion.”

“What are you talking about? An abortion?” an astonished, familiar voice came from behind him. Kurt slowly turned to face it.

“We need to talk, Kurt. Now,” Burt said.

X X X X X

Kurt took his dad to a coffee shop down the street from the hospital, and they sat warming their hands around their cups. Kurt ordered a hot chocolate, and stirred it listlessly as the silence lengthened between them. Finally he set the spoon down with a clink.

“So. I take it you don't approve of my having an abortion.”

“Kurt, I'm all for a … a person's right to choose. You know that. I'm just taking all this in, you've known about this for a while and I just heard it.”

Kurt took a sip of the cocoa. “I found out this afternoon. Blaine doesn't even know.”

“Wait. So you made this decision that fast? While all this was going on with Blaine? Kurt, are you sure about this, have you given yourself enough time to consider everything?”

Kurt turned his face toward the window, but his eyes were too full of tears to see. “I'm afraid any more stress is going to kill my husband. What else is there to consider?”

“You don't know that. Dr. Ryan told Blaine's parents that Blaine's fine, the baby's fine, as long as his blood pressure stays low.”

“My point exactly. How do you think Blaine will react when he finds out I'm pregnant too? That I have to drop out of NYADA, when he was so proud and happy for me, when it was my dream? He's going to freak out, and … and I can't let that happen. But … I can't see a way that I can hide an abortion from him, either,” he admitted miserably. “I'm between a rock and a hard place.”

Burt was quite a minute. “So we've established that for Blaine's sake, he's going to have to be kept in the dark for a while, no matter what you choose. Let me ask you this, then. Back up the truck, and let's start at the most important question. If he were well and that weren't an issue, then what would you want? Because having a choice means making a choice, and from what I know about the law, you've got to make one soon. I think you need to take a step back and think about what you really want, and then go from there. And Kurt?”

Kurt looked up at his dad's honest, serious eyes.

“No matter what you choose, I will love you exactly the same and help you exactly the same. I mean it, Kurt. I will do anything I can to help you with whatever choice you make. Whether it's finding you an abortion doctor, or helping cover with Blaine, or … later, if you need financial help with college or just until you two can get on your own feet, you'll have it. My grandchild or grandchildren will have it, count on that. But in return, I just want you to take a breath, look inside yourself, and just answer that question. Do you want to have this baby?”

Kurt blinked hard. Quinn flashed through his mind, and he guiltily recalled that she had no such support from her parents, who taught her that abortion was a sin and that pregnancy was a scandal, and turned her out of their home at just sixteen to deal with it alone. He was so lucky.

He shut his eyes, trying to put aside everything else, and figure out what he truly wanted. Tried to visualize it. And the vision that came to his mind was a simple one. He and Blaine, married, a year from now … with two beautiful babies. Blaine finished with high school … both of them in college, together. Raising their family. That was the dream ...

It might not happen. Things could always go wrong … it would be complicated. He would have to try to protect Blaine from the truth as long as he could, and then break it to him as gently as possible. His father's promise about helping him with NYADA, and helping the two of them and their family, heartened him immensely. It could work. Couldn't it?

His dad put his hand over Kurt's. “What are you feeling, Kurt? What do you see?”

He opened his eyes and squeezed his dad's hand. “I saw what I want.”