Blaine had the habit of giving himself internal pep talks, sometimes he freaked himself out so much, he had to find a way to calm himself down.

Most of the time it didn't work.

Right now was when he wished it did. He had no idea what he was doing, or what he was going to say. There were so many things wrong in this situation, he didn't even know where to begin to fix it. As he walked into Kurt's apartment building, he fought the urge to just turn around and walk away.

But that was the problem, he couldn't walk away, especially from Kurt. he had been avoiding him for days, and he just didn't dare to confront him.

He was a terrible human being.

He felt bad for leading Kurt on, he also felt guilty for cheating on James. Blaine knew that no matter what he and James were going through, he never should have done that to him.

He also knew that no matter how much he wanted Kurt, he of all people had no right to play with his emotions.

But he wanted Kurt so bad. And as guilty as he felt, he would never regret kissing him. It had been right, it had been perfect, and it scared and confused the hell out of Blaine.

He had to make things right with Kurt. They were so close to rebuilding their friendship, but in a moment of weakness, he had ruined it.

He was surprised he remembered where Kurt lived, he had been drunk, but not completely blacked out.

He got out of the elevator and walked towards Kurt's door. Stopping in front of it and staring at it for the longest time, trying to muster the courage to knock. 

He decided to go see him early in the morning to catch him before he went to work, he didn't want to bother him there, and he wasn't sure if he would even see him at this point, he didn't deserve any courtesy from Kurt.

He took a deep breath and lifted his hand and knocked on the door. Hoping Kurt wouldn’t just slam the door in his face.

When the door opened, it was not Kurt.

"Hello Hobbit"

Blaine was sure his jaw hit the floor.

In front of him was Sebastian Smythe, clad in only a pair of boxers and holding a dark blue coffee cup.

"I-I uh.." Blaine was speechless, the last person he ever thought he would ever see was Sebastian.

"Don't worry, many men have been left speechless by my perfect body" Sebastian said with an amused smirk.

Blaine got over his shock and regained his composure, immediately remembering his total loathing for the person in front of him.

"Believe me it's not that impressive"

Sebastian's grin only grew wider "Is there something I can help you with or did just stop by on your way to the Shire"

Blaine was not amused, barely a few seconds in his presence and he was sick of him "No, I'm here to see-"

"Blaine!"

Both men looked back into the apartment, and as Kurt made his way towards him a look of shock and annoyance on his face.

"Hey" Blaine tried to get past Sebastian, but he was blocking the doorway.

"Bas! oh my god, put some clothes on, children do live in this building"

Kurt pulled on his arm and tried to push him into the apartment.

"Yes babe, I was just greeting Frodo over here, it's been ages," he said as he rolled his eyes at Kurt. and walked back to the apartment.

Blaine looked at Kurt with concern and perplexed look, he couldn’t wrap his head around why Sebastian was there.

"What are you doing here?" Kurt said a bit sharply, Blaine thought he looked almost embarrassed.

"I was hoping that we could talk?" Blaine tried to give him his best kicked-puppy look, he knew it worked on him, and he refused to leave without talking things out with Kurt.

Kurt finally looked up into his eyes and searched, Blaine could see the struggle in them to let him in.

In the end, he sighed heavily and walked back into the apartment, he took it as an open invitation.

He followed him into the kitchen as Kurt took a couple of cups out of the cabinet.

"I made coffee, help yourself, sugar and creamer are in the cabinet there, I'll be right back" Kurt left and walked toward where Blaine assumed was his bedroom.

He walked over to the coffee machine and poured himself some coffee and decided to make Kurt's too. He placed the cups on the kitchen table and took a seat.

Blaine still couldn't believe Sebastian was with Kurt in his bedroom while he was in the kitchen, he was confused and a little angry.

Where they back together? No. They couldn't possibly be. Kurt hated Sebastian. Or so he thought.

Kurt had broken up with Sebastian almost a year before he met James. They had been together a little bit over a year before Kurt walked in on Sebastian receiving a blow-job from his assistant.

The break-up had been quiet, Kurt didn't tell anyone until Blaine got it out of him when he didn't see Sebastian at the apartment for a couple of weeks. Blaine had been furious, he hated Sebastian for doing that to his best friend, because Kurt deserved so much better.

Kurt had taken the breakup absurdly well, there were no tears, no yelling, no screaming, nothing, he had seen more emotion out of Kurt when Finn had accidentally spilled chocolate milk on one of his cashmere sweaters.

Blaine had met Sebastian through mutual friends. he has flirted relentlessly with Blaine, but he turned him down because at the time he was in a relationship. he wasn't interested, he found him to be arrogant and a little predatory.

One night Blaine had taken Kurt out with him to a bar and Sebastian was there like he always was. He came over to greet him and immediately took interest in Kurt, he acted like Blaine had never even existed.

Sebastian was forward with intentions with him, but Kurt turned down his advances with his signature eye rolls and snarky comebacks

So Blaine hadn't worried about Kurt falling in Sebastian's games.

A few weeks later he noticed that Kurt was going out more, he came back home late and was always on his phone Texting. Blaine asked him about it and Kurt just shrugged his shoulders and said it was 'some guy' he was just seeing once in a while. Blaine tried to push for more details, but Kurt was stubborn and wasn't budging, and no one could make him talk if he didn't want to, so he dropped it and didn't worry about it.

That was until Sebastian came out of Kurt's bedroom clad in only his boxers, he greeted Blaine with a smirk and a wink, grabbed two water bottles from the fridge, and walked back into Kurt's room.

Blaine had been at the kitchen table with his mouth hanging in shock, eyes wide and a spoonful of cereal halfway to his mouth.

Of all the people in New York he didn't expect Sebastian to be the type Kurt dated.

When Blaine confronted Kurt about him, he asked him if Sebastian was just sex or if there were dating. Blaine wouldn't have been happy about either. But Kurt just told him that Sebastian had asked him to be his boyfriend a few days before and that yes, he was the one he was sneaking around with.

Kurt seemed to be genuinely happy with Sebastian, so Blaine put aside his dislike and opinions about Sebastian to the side and just be happy for Kurt.

That was until Sebastian did what Blaine always thought would break Kurt's heart.

That's why he was shocked that Sebastian was currently in Kurt's bedroom.

A sick twisted feeling developed in his stomach as he realized why Sebastian was there, in the morning, almost naked.

The sick feeling was pure jealousy.

He heard a door close waking him from his thoughts, he looked down and noticed he was gripping the coffee cup tightly, he released it and looked up when Kurt walked in Sebastian followed him, now fully dressed In a suit and tie.

Sebastian place the coffee cup in the sink and leaned over to Kurt to place a kiss on his mouth.

"See ya later babe, it was a pleasure as always" he placed another kiss on his lips and looked over at Blaine. who was trying not to glare at the sudden affection.

"I would say it was a pleasure seeing you again Blaine, but it wasn't"

“Seb...” Kurt warned.

Sebastian chuckled and winked over at Blaine and left.

Kurt grabbed the coffee that was across from Blaine and took a sip, he leaned on the counter and crossed his arms.

Blaine could feel the tension in the kitchen rise. After a moment of awkward silence, Blaine spoke first.

"So you’re back with Sebastian?" Blaine said as he looked down at his coffee cup, fearing what his answer might be.

"of course not" Kurt scoffed.

Blaine felt a little relieved but tried to control his emotions, but he couldn't stop the little bit of anger and jealousy from escaping into his words "Then why was he here?"

"We were just catching up"

He didn't know what it was, the anger, the confusion, the jealousy, Kurt's short cold answers, or a mixture of all, but he wasn't able to control what came out his mouth next.

“So by catching up you mean sleeping with him.” Blaine looked up and saw Kurt's shocked expression, it quickly turned angry.

"Excuse me?"

"God Kurt, of all the people in this town you let Sebastian worm himself back into your life.” Blaine knew he had to stop, he was there to apologize, not to make things worse.

"I don't think it's any of your business...is there a reason your here?"

Blaine dropped it and let out a frustrated sigh "I was here to apologize..."

He looked back into the kitchen table in shame "...about the other night...I, I'm sorry for leaving like that..."

Kurt tilted his head to the side in confusion "What are you talking about?"

Blaine looked up his brows lowering in confusion "The night we went out"

Kurt looked at him still a little confused but curious "Yes, what about it?"

Blaine looked at Kurt in disbelief, did he not remember?

"That night, we uh...we kissed"

Kurt's eyes widen in surprise "What? we did" he gave Blaine a small smirk "I guess I was drunk out of my mind because I don't recall that"

Blaine couldn't believe it, he was acting like he didn't remember, like it didn't even happen, he was certain Kurt remembered, he was sure Kurt was soberer than him. It broke his heart that Kurt was denying it, and sad that Kurt was lying.

"Were you drunk out of your mind when Sebastian fucked you last night?" Blaine wasn't going to let Kurt just pretend that nothing happened. If pissing him off would get him to react, then so be it.

Kurt's smirked "actually I fucked Sebastian, but no, I wasn't drunk"

Blaine sat up from his spot on the table, he ran his hand through his hair in frustration "God Kurt, what is wrong with you? it's like I don't even know you anymore"

Blaine could tell Kurt went into his full ice queen mode when he placed his cup down, he crossed his arms and looked at Blaine with cold blue eyes. it was a defense thing, he was getting ready to fight.

"Well that's what people tend to do, they change," he said in a cold hard voice that cut through Blaine's heart.

"What happened to you, who is this person, this shell of whatever you've become, the Kurt I knew was warm, was funny, that Kurt cared about himself"

"As I said, people change Blaine, sorry if it doesn't convenience you"

Blaine searched for anything in those blue orbs, anything, but found nothing.

"I thought you had a little more self-worth, that you valued yourself a little more, the one thing I never thought you would do is throw yourself around."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Kurt snapped at him.

"Do you care what people would say, things spread so easily here, do you want to have that kind of reputation?"

"And why would I care what people think about me, Blaine? I never had, so why should I start caring now?”

Blaine shook his head "do you want people to say that you're willing to go to bed with anyone? you know how much it would hurt to hear that." He knew that was a low blow.

Kurt looked almost a little hurt “So is that what you think of me? That I'm just the cheap neighborhood whore?”

"No, of course not...do you even remember the sex talk we got from Burt?"

Kurt laughed humorlessly "Really Blaine, the sex talk from my dad? you're bringing up that now? that was just some foolish little talk my dad gave us so he felt like he was helping us"

"It did help, I felt so fortunate, as awkward as it was, I felt lucky that he was willing to do something that my father would never do for me"

Blaine walked over to Kurt still standing a few feet back "I wish you didn't throw yourself around, because you're worth so much more than that."

Kurt looked up, his eyes blue turning into gray "Maybe I like this person, maybe I like sleeping around, maybe that's who I am"

The words cut through Blaine's heart, before he could say anything Kurt continued.

“I've never been good enough, have I? Not for anyone in Lima, not Sebastian, not for anyone I ever show the slight bit of interest to-”

“Kurt, Lima didn't have the greatest dating pool-”

“But you managed to date, you had boyfriends and I never did, all I could manage was getting assaulted by a closet case jock.”

“Kurt”

"This is who I am now, if everyone says I'm a whore, then maybe I should live up to it" the coldness and the finality in his voice scared Blaine, he was so sure that he was worthless.

"Kurt that's not who-" sometimes Kurt's stubbornness drove him insane.

"look Blaine, like I said it's not your business who I decide to fuck every night, so I think it's time for you to go"

"I just wished-"

"I don't think its a good idea for us to see each anymore"

“What? Kurt, don't do this...” Blaine looked at Kurt with as much compassion and love as he could muster.

“I think we've outgrown each other, I have no idea why we tried to be friends again”

Blaine was hurting now, he felt like had been punched in the stomach “so, our friendship means nothing to you?”

Kurt shrugged “Maybe at one point it did, we helped each other in difficult times, but I think it's time to move on, you can keep living happily with your husband, and I live my life.”

“How can you say that, it was so much more than that...”

They both stood silent for a moment, soaking each other's words.

“you told me you loved me... was that real?” he whispered as he looked up to see Kurt's reaction.

Kurt stared at Blaine, he pursed his lips as he thought for a moment “That, that exactly is where the problem lies, that is the reason why our friendship never worked”

“Because you loved me?” Blaine said confused.

“you just don't get it, do you? I practically handed you my heart the day I saw you on that staircase in Dalton, and since that moment you've broken it more times than I could count, yes I loved you and it has been the most idiotic thing I have ever done.”

Blaine was speechless, it was like the dam had broken and Kurt was pouring his heart out to him.

“That day at your wedding, I meant everything I said to you, and I felt like the biggest fool because I had hoped that you felt the same way...” now tears were falling freely down his face, and Blaine had never seen something so beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time.

Blaine got up from his chair and stood in front of Kurt, he didn't know what to do or say, the words were on the tip of his tongue I love you too, but he couldn't say it, it didn't feel right, not yet.

He lifted his hand and placed it on his face as he wiped a tear with his thumb, He didn't want to lose Kurt again, one time was enough.

“Tell me that you don't love me and I'll go” Blaine knew he wasn't being fair, but he needed to know.

Kurt choked back a sob and pushed Blaine's hand away from him. He shook his head and looked down avoiding Blaine's eyes.

“Can you please go”

Blaine nodded, he would fix this, he had to, but something was holding him back, something in his mind was pulling him away from the things he wanted to say to Kurt.

He needed time to think.

But he didn't want to leave without saying something, he said the first thing that came to his mind that moment as he looked into Kurt's beautiful tear-stained face.

"I wish you could see how remarkable you are because you are the most beautiful, compassionate, and talented person I have ever known, and never let me or anyone make you believe otherwise"

Because Kurt did, Kurt deserved the world, he deserved happiness, he deserved someone who loved him.

He wished that someone was him.

Kurt continued to stare at the floor, saying nothing.

Blaine walked away, sure that he had never felt the heartbreak he felt that very moment.

--------------------------------------------------

The rest of the day Blaine decided to take it off, he called Kevin at the studio and told him he was sick and wanted to rest his voice. Kevin wished him better and told him he would see him in a couple of days.

Blaine didn't feel like doing anything, so he lounged around the house and ate ice cream while he watched mindless television.

But his mind was just filled with thoughts of Kurt.

Things had not gone the way he had hoped for, actually, they were much worse.

Blaine was frustrated about what to do. He wanted to just hold him and kiss him and tell him he was the most beautiful person in the world. That morning in Kurt's kitchen he had confirmed what he had felt all along for his best friend.

He was in love with Kurt.

He had been in love with Kurt longer than he had realized. He knew that Kurt had loved him once, and when he asked him, he didn't exactly say no.

Blaine was a fool and knew it, that day of his wedding he should have taken Kurt in his arms and left, he should have left everything behind and lived his life with his best friend. But he didn't, and he didn't blame Kurt for hating him now.

He started thinking about leaving James, something he had been thinking about even before Kurt had come back into his life.

But he didn't know if he could do it, he cared about James. If it wasn't for him, Blaine probably wouldn't have everything he did now.

He needed to figure out what to do, sooner rather than later.

Divorce was messy and especially when they were in the public eye. The tabloids would have a field day, maybe he could talk to Wes or Rachel, and his friends might be able to help him.

Blaine was brought out of his thoughts as the front door opened.

It was almost 7 and was confused why James was home, he was always home late especially during the week, hoping he could have gone to bed before he arrived, he had no desire to talk to his husband.

James walked in into the living room and place his briefcase on the floor. he looked over to Blaine with an annoyed look on his face.

"Why are you not dressed?"

Blaine looked at him confused "What do you mean?"

James let out a frustrated sigh “For fucks sake Blaine, I've been talking about dinner with the partners for fucking weeks!”

Blaine's eyes widen, he had forgotten the dinner “I, I'm sorry, I just forgot...”

“You just forgot? Why the fuck do I even bother, one simple thing I ask you to do and you can't even do it!”

Blaine felt ashamed, yes he remembers James telling him about the dinner, he just forgot. He hated how James could reduce him to feeling like a misbehaved child.

“James I said I was sorry, I'll just go get ready and we go ok, just calm down.” Blaine started to get off the couch, but James kicking a side table stopped him.

“Calm down? Why the hell would I want to do that, it's your fault I'm pissed!”

Blaine stayed on the couch and looked down he could feel James' angry eyes on him.

“I said I was sorry, what else do you want me to say?” his day had been already so emotional, and this was just getting to be too much.

“That you’re an idiot”

“Don't, don't call me that” Blaine couldn't take James treating him like dirt right now.

“Whatever, I'm going to change” he walked to their room as Blaine sunk back into the couch. 

Blaine was so tired, he was so tired of feeling, he was tired of James treating him like he was an idiot. But maybe he was, he had been so caught up in all his issues he had forgotten one simple thing James had been talking about for weeks.

He suddenly got a sick feeling in his stomach, why couldn't he do anything right?

James walked out of the bedroom in a suit and tie, his hair slicked back with an annoyed look on his face.

“I'm leaving, and thanks to you, alone, I'll just tell them your sick or something” he grabbed his keys and wallet.

Blaine felt awful, he didn't know what to do to make it right “James, I am sorry, it, it won't happen again”

James gave him an angry look “It better not” and with that, he left, he heard the door close and Blaine let out a breath he didn't know he had been holding.

He turned off the TV and took his dishes to the kitchen, he washed them, dried them, and cleaned the already spotless kitchen.

He moved to the living room and did the same, then the bedroom and the bathroom.

Blaine knew he didn't have to, they had a maid come in a few times a week to clean the penthouse, but Blaine needed to feel like he was doing something right.

When he finished he went into his office, it was the one place in the house where he felt some sort of comfort, the one place that felt like home.

He picked up his guitar and sat down, he played random cords, not putting attention, just thinking.

And he had a lot of things to think about.

He hated how he felt, how James made him feel like everything he did was wrong. He believed it too, he just manages to ruin everything, he's just a fool that manages to ruin all his relationships.

He could never keep any of his relationships together, not with any of his boyfriends, not his marriage, and especially his relationship with Kurt.

He remembers the fight with Kurt and his heart breaks, Kurt had loved him.

Loved.

Because who could stay in love with someone who ruins things?

He looked at the clock and saw that it was almost two in the morning, James was not coming back.

He kept playing until all that he felt, all his frustrations, and his heartbreak bled out in words.

When will I see you again? 

You left with no goodbye, not a single word was said 

No final kiss to seal anything 

I had no idea of the state we were in

I know I have a fickle heart and a bitterness 

And a wandering eye and a heaviness in my head

But don't you remember? Don't you remember? 

The reason you loved me before 

Baby, please remember me once more

Blaine stopped playing when tears were clouding his vision, he hadn't even realized he was crying, it was too much already, he just hated how everything was just so complicated, he wished things could be so much more simple.

Sometimes he wished he could just give up and stop fighting for happiness.

But he couldn't give up on Kurt.

no.

he couldn't give up on the single most amazing thing to ever happen to him.