“Dad! I’m losing it!” I say walking in circles, “you will not believe what happened today.” I keep pacing back and forth, not knowing what to do with myself.

“I don’t understand it myself. The one minute he’s making my life hell, calling me names, and the next we’re bonding over a song on stage, actually having a good time. And then..., argh! Dad, I’m confused.”

I sigh and sit down on the grass, crossing my legs. I try to calm myself down, my hands pulling out the grass around me. I take in a few deep breaths, closing my eyes, trying to concentrate. “He told me he was sorry.” I sigh, still not believing what happened earlier today. It had all confused me so much that immediately after school I raced here, “he told me he didn’t mean to make me feel miserable.” I run my hands through my hair in frustration.

“Dad, he seems as hurt as I am. He’s torn. I had noticed it before, but I always chose to ignore it because he annoyed me so much but...it’s different now. Do you think I should help him?” I wonder.

“No,” biting my lip, “he doesn’t even like me, he told me he didn’t want to talk about it.” I mumble my train of thoughts going so fast that they don’t even make sense to me. I came here to deal with what happened earlier but actually it isn’t helping at all.

“Dad, I’m clueless. What do I do now? I can’t just ignore everything that’s been said today...can I? Doesn’t that make me just as ignorant as everyone else? Maybe I’m not the right person for this though? Should I talk to someone else about it? Maybe they can help him.”

“No.” I sigh, “I wouldn’t want that either, if I was in his place.”

I sit in silence, still pulling the grass, thinking it all over. Thinking about how torn Blaine looked. I hadn’t noticed it when I was raging but now that I think back about it, I remember the look on his face. It made me feel sad. I even prefer having him verbally abuse me than looking so sad.

“Dad, I think I like him.” I sigh, hating to admit it, “something happened during that sing-off. I’m not sure what but it felt like for the first time I could really see him. It’s not actually helping that he admitted not actually hating me.” I raise my hands in frustration.

“Oh, and guess what?! Since I’m his understudy now, we’ll be working together a lot, I guess. Why can’t I catch a break?” I sigh.

-

And I was right. Blaine and I have to work quite closely. It’s been quite awkward, we haven’t shared a word anymore since the toilet accident. It is hard though, the not talking, as I always have to be in rehearsals when he is, too. What makes matters worse is that Rachel’s usually there too, as she and Blaine have quite some scenes together, and she keeps giving me these glares. I’ll admit, even I caught myself throwing Blaine –more specifically, his bum- some glances, so I have no doubt in my mind Rachel noticed it too.

I don’t know if Gina had thought of this understudy thing as a nice consolation price for the loser of the sing-off, but if she did, she was wrong. No one else, not even Maria, has an understudy. Then again the reason for that might be that even if Rachel was dying, she’d still stand on this stage and play Maria. But it’s already hard enough to focus on my own role and give it personality without having to worry about another part.

-

It’s about the fourth day of rehearsals, it’s this big dance routine and oh my God it is exhausting! I do love doing it, especially considering officer Krupke isn’t originally doing this. Still, it’s once again all for Blaine and his Tony that I’m busting my ass off.

“Kurt!” Gina yells, “stay focused!!”

“Sorry.” I apologize to everyone on stage, feeling a dozen eyes on me. I quickly smile. I ignore Blaine’s gaze on me and stare at the floor.

“Kurt, stay close to Blaine during this practise! It’ll make it a lot easier.” Josh says and Sarah nods in agreement.

            Josh and Sarah, they’re Gina’s helpers with this musical. Sarah’s doing a lot of the choreographies for the show, mainly the big dance numbers. Josh is, together with Gina, taking on the role as director. They are nice and I like their vision of it all. We can be proud of the team we have for this musical. It’s already nicely coming along.

“Kurt!” Gina yells again, making me snap out of my own thoughts, “focus!”

“I’m sorry.” I say again, feeling myself blush. I meet Blaine’s gaze, I didn’t plan to but it accidentally happened, and he gives me an encouraging smile. I ignore the weird feeling in my stomach and smile back.

-

I open my locker, placing the books that I don’t need for next period in it. I let out a deep troubled sigh and rub my temples, trying to relax. I don’t handle all this stress and worry well. It’s starting to show on my face.

“Kurt.”

I jump, covering my mouth to keep the scream from escaping my mouth. I didn’t notice him coming to stand next to me. I look at him in surprise.

“Oh, sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.” He says, a soft chuckle escaping his lips. His eyes are soft, really soft. He’s leaning casually against the wall, looking as good as ever. My eyes quickly glance at his lips, the dream playing around in my head. Hot saliva fills my mouth. I swallow. Back to his eyes “It’s fine.” I shrug, “what can I help you with?” I ask, expecting something musical related.

“I was wondering if...well uhm...”, he leans in a bit closer, “could we have that talk now?” he whispers.