Finn nudges me, keeping me from dozing off, I sit up again. “Kurt, did you actually sleep last night?” he whispers.

I shrug “Not really.” admitting. I’ve had a horrible night’s sleep. I kept dreaming that I was on stage and that Blaine was harassing me. Boo’ing me, calling me names and even throwing stuff at me.

It was horrible.

 I eventually gave up on sleep and stayed awake the rest of the night.

I shoot a quick glance over my shoulder, observing his actions. I feel caught when his eyes catch mine. I quickly divert my gaze back to the school board and feel my cheeks flush. Of course that one time I look his way he catches me. I should’ve known better.

I hear scraping of a chair behind me and swallow. I have a feeling I know who it is.

“What is it, Hummel?” he hisses as he walks past. He bends and throws some stuff in the bin. I don’t take note of what it is because my eyes are fixed on his bum. I immediately realize what I am actually doing and refocus my gaze on my hands. Fool. I tell myself. What are you doing!? I yell at myself in my head. It’s basic instincts. Another voice yells back. I groan trying to block out the voices inside my head. Blaine turns with a smirk and nudges me as he walks past me “Liked what you were seeing, Hummel?” he murmurs with a mocking tone.

“Not really!” I snap back, even though I’m lying.

“Leave him alone, Blaine!” Finn defends me.

“Oh dear, oh dear. Touchy subject I see.” He chuckles before walking away.

“What’s going on there!” the teacher barks from the back of the room, “I turn my back for one second and there’s already trouble in my class.”

Finn and I apologize, keeping our heads low. I notice out of the corner of my eye how he sits down with another huge smirk on his face. Stuck up, idiot.

-

I patiently wait for Rachel to walk out of the auditorium, I wanted to go spy again but Rachel had forbidden me to do so. And she had told me that if she saw me sitting there she’d take some scissors and let them loose in my wardrobe.

AS IF!

But it’s Rachel and I don’t want to take the risk, so I just wait outside instead. The door flies open and before I’m able to process the blur that appears to be Rachel, she’s already around my neck. “I take it went good.” I smile.

“We’re so going to own that stage, Kurt.” She says, “Gina was crying when I finished.”

I smile, feeling happy for her, but at the same time trying to ignore the knot in my stomach. Gina had told Blaine how amazing his performance had been, she’s cried with Rachel’s and all she said to me was ‘thank you Kurt.’ Every last piece of hope I had left is truly gone now. I swallow bitterly realizing that, once again, I failed at something I’d fought for.

“Let’s go celebrate your unofficial victory.” I say, annoyed with myself for feeling this bitter about it all when I should be happy for my friend. I’m just so sick and tired of the constant disappointments. How many times have I been fighting? How many times did I get back up and tried again? I lost count. And how many times did any of them pay off? None. I am sick of fighting and not getting anything in return. I’ve been told my whole life that I’m worthless, I don’t even know why I thought otherwise.

--

“Rach...” I wait for her to put her drink down. After school we went to my place, she doesn’t come here very often mainly because I prefer much more spending time at her house. “I’m really not confident about my audition anymore.” I sigh.

“Kurt...I need you to believe me. I’ve never seen you give yourself so much in a song before. You absolutely nailed it. It was passionate and perfect!” she smiles, “stop worrying. You worry way too much.”

“It’s just...,” I don’t want to tell her about the dream, but I also feel like I have to tell someone, “I’ve been having nightmares. The same one over and over again.” She doesn’t say anything, waiting for me to go on. I swallow, “so I’m on stage, doing my song and then Blaine appears. He’s booing me and calling me names and sometimes, if it gets really bad, he starts throwing stuff at me.” I sigh.

“Kurt...you’re letting this whole thing, and Blaine, getting to you too much. The nightmares are just because of the stress. I have nightmares about my auditions, too. But you have to believe in yourself.”

I stare at a crack in the floor, silence filling the room. “Do you want something to eat?” I ask her, changing the subject. I open the fridge and see how there’s still barely any food in it. I’ve bought some essentials for me to get around but am at the same time trying to keep the costs as low as possible. “I don’t have much but...” I pause and bite my lip, I feel ashamed of my current situation. Rachel’s seen me at worse times than this but I’ve been trying so hard lately to pretend that I’m doing better, that I’m fine. So her seeing now that I’m actually not, isn’t easy.

“Do you need help?” she whispers, barely audible. I appreciate the fact she’s saying it so quietly. It’s like as if she knows that I would never ask anyone to help me but that I might consider it if someone suggests it. And she didn’t say it in a pitiful tone either, because I don’t need anyone’s pity. I turn and look at her. She takes in a breath, “I know you’ve had it tough, ever since you’ve been on your own.”

I look at her and I can feel that my whole expression begs her for a hug. She runs to me and holds me tight. “You’re not alone.” She whispers.