March 7, 2014, 6 p.m.
Let me fall asleep: Chapter 11
T - Words: 1,242 - Last Updated: Mar 07, 2014 Story: Complete - Chapters: 24/? - Created: Nov 04, 2013 - Updated: Nov 04, 2013 127 0 0 0 0
Now, before you all start screaming at me (please dont). I want you to know that I am aware of the fact that were 11 chapters far and that you still dont know what exactly it is that Blaine has. Im pretty sure youd all thought Id state it in this chapter and in a way that was the case in the beginning.
However, I chose to change that because of a few reasons and I hope that you are not too disappointed for me doing so.
BUT, when I started writing this I DID have a disease in mind. The disease that I had originally in mind is known is mucoviscidosis.
The reasons I decided not to actually mention the diseases name in the actual story are the following:
- Even after some research and documenting, I did not feel that I knew enough about the disease to write about it and I do not want to be disrespectful or wrong about a disease that is real and other people are suffering from.
- I had found that if I would stick to the disease the way it is, it would limit some of the ideas that Id had in my mind for this story and (after researching some other diseases of which none suited my ideas either) decided that by not mentioning an actual disease it would give me a bit more literary freedom.
But, I know that some of you really were keen on finding out what Blaine had and I can tell you that this story always started off with Blaine having muco. So that if you want a labelled disease to ease your own mind then that is as much as I can give you.
Hopefully I havent let you all down too much and hope you understand my reasoning behind it.
And seeing as this has turned into a full length letter, Ill also use this opportunity to once again thank each and every single one of you for being so kind to read and review and just take the time to have a look at this story. I can not explain how much it means.
Lots of thanks,
Silke
“I see the hospital hasn't changed anything about their food, despite my complaints.” Cooper walked in, smiling. He'd quickly gone to find himself some food and had returned to Blaine's room.
“Maybe because listening to your every complaint isn't the staff's main interest.” Blaine replied not without humour.
“Well, they should!” Cooped landed in the chair next to Blaine's bed again, “I mean, I've spent here enough days to be a reliable source.”
“I don't mind the food here.” Kurt interrupted, receiving a surprised look from Cooper.
“That's because you've probably not spend enough time here.” The elder Anderson said, raising an eyebrow. Blaine coughed uncomfortably, knowing Kurt's background.
“I highly doubt it.” Kurt blushed but seemed confident and not at all shaken up, as Blaine had expected. Before anything more could be said on the subject a firm knock on the door interrupted them and then the doctor walked in. “Blaine,” he nodded and then looked at Cooper, “Mr. Anderson. Kurt.” he said, giving him a little smile. Kurt nodded back, politely, and looked from one to another. Cooper seemed to have grown tense with the doctor's arrival and had sat up, grabbing his little brother's hand to squeeze it. When he looked at Blaine, he found Blaine was already looking at him with worry and something else he couldn't quite place. Kurt could feel something icy in his chest, like broken glass shards were cutting through his lungs and a knot formed in his stomach, making him feel like he was about to throw up. He'd become a master at recognizing the facial expression the hospital staff had whenever they had any news to report. The one he was seeing right now was one that was associated with really bad news.
He turned to Kurt. “Mr. Hummel, I came here to discuss Blaine's health. Seeing as you're no family-“
“Kurt can stay.” Blaine said, his voice shaky but determined. The two boys locked eyes and it only made Kurt's chest feel even more tight. What he saw in Blaine's eyes wasn't reassurance, like he had expected, but a strong and piercing fear. “Mr. Anderson,” the doctor had switched back to using Blaine's last name, “no disrespect but Mr. Hummel is not familiar with your history and I feel it might be better for all of you if he-“
“Kurt can stay!” Blaine stressed. The doctor gave an inclining nod and cleared his throat.
“Well then,” he turned to Cooper, “I assume you are here as correspondence towards your parents?”
Cooper nodded. He cleared his throat once more and it only made Kurt feel even more nervous, knowing it couldn't be good news. “Blaine, you remember how not long ago I came to you and informed you on how the treatment had stopped showing any effect?”
Blaine nodded, Kurt could see how he swallowed roughly. Inside he, himself, could feel the knot tighten only more, Blaine had never told him about anything before. Not about his illness or the treatment he was getting, let alone about the failing of it. He wasn't sure if he could handle this conversation. He started seeing spots as panic took over. “You said his condition was stable.” Cooper intervened, “you said he didn't seem to get better but neither was getting any worse.” Kurt looked at Cooper who was talking with a shaky voice and could only imagine how hard it must be. The doctor nodded. “It was indeed. But the latest tests have shown a significant decrease in Blaine's resistance. I'm sure you've noticed yourself too, Blaine. You've gotten more bad periods and needed more medication lately.”
“B?” Coop's question came out choked. A single consonant bringing across every unspoken question.
“It's true, Coop. I've been getting worse.” Blaine spoke silently, as if he was ashamed of admitting it. Kurt felt as if the air got knocked out of his lungs as the secrets of Blaine's illness were slowly revealed.
“What are our options then, doc?” Cooper asked, sadness clearly present in his voice but his eyes shone with a fierce battle lust, not wanting to give up on his little brother.
“I'm afraid Blaine's illness has too much progressed and he has reached the last stage of it. We can do only as much as we've done so far. I wish it were different-“ oh god, Kurt thought, “and that I had any better news to tell you,” No. Please don't. Don't say it, “But I'm afraid Blaine's condition is now terminal. I am so sorry.” Kurt felt as if his world had come crashing down, every rational thing around him stopped, with only the sound of his blood rushing in his ears. Everything around him seemed to go in slow motion, like a stupid cliché from the movies. He felt like he was about to throw up. He could hear Cooper gasp in horror, hitched noises coming from his throat. He couldn't focus on the things happening around him as his own body seemed to go in shock. His vision blurred, his ears tuning out and all he could hear was his own slow pulse. It was very unclear but around him he was slightly aware of Cooper's voice raising, sounding very high pitched, followed by commotion and the sound of a closing door. He took a few deep breaths, hearing Blaine's voice call for him, pulling him out of the darkness that was surrounding him. He looked at Blaine and felt his heart sink even lower as he saw no glint of light in Blaine's eyes at all and yet he seemed to smile at Kurt as if he had expected much worse news. Kurt's heart paused with realisation, mixed with anger and despair. There were no words needed to explain what Kurt saw. Blaine wasn't fazed, surprised or shocked. He looked like a person who'd known. He was just accepting it, accepting death.
“No.” his voice sounded choked and it hurt his throat to produce even the smallest word, “Blaine?”
“Kurt?” he smiled sadly, reaching out for Kurt's hand, “I'm sorry. If I had known this was what he'd tell us, I wouldn't have made you stay.”
“I-you-we-, no.”
“Kurt-” Blaine's voice was merely a sad whisper.
“You knew all along didn't you?!” Kurt snapped, feeling anger rise up inside. Blaine looked down, avoiding Kurt's eyes, “Didn't you!”
“Yes.” He mumbled.
“And you never thought to tell me! You never thought that maybe I deserved to know?” He knew he was being unreasonable but he couldn't bring himself to be the opposite.
“Of course I did!” Blaine's head snapped up, “I just, I couldn't stand the thought of losing that what has become the most important thing in my life.” He breathed heavily, Kurt knew it should've alarmed him but he was still too angry and hurt. He frowned at Blaine's words; confused. “You.” Blaine breathed. A silent conversation of betrayal, and hurt, and hope and understanding followed. Blaine was the first one to break it again. “I'm sorry. I never wished for you to find out like this. I've wanted to tell you so many times before that I'm not just ill. Kurt,” he swallowed roughly and in Blaine's eyes Kurt could see the inner struggle of wanting to run and finally admitting the truth. He sighed. “I'm dying.”
If Kurt had thought his world had come crushing down earlier, it was burning and breaking right now.