Jan. 30, 2012, 6:31 p.m.
The Next Few Weeks: Being Alive
T - Words: 2,360 - Last Updated: Jan 30, 2012 Story: Closed - Chapters: 7/? - Created: Jan 30, 2012 - Updated: Jan 30, 2012 431 0 0 0 0
Kurt knew that Friday would be awkward for him. He knew it would be awkward for everyone. He was leaving, and everyone was finally hit with the fact. Within the first hour of his classes, boys he didn't even know came up to him and asked him to stay. People he didn't talk to the entire time he was at Dalton came up to him and hugged him goodbye. Everyone mourned, but nobody really cared. It was probably a tradition to mourn for every lost Warbler. Kurt took their sympathies, he took their hugs, and with each one felt a little more uneasy.
By lunchtime the entire school had said goodbye to him. The entire school other than Blaine had told him they'd miss him. Kurt walked into the cafeteria, eyes trained to the floor, books in arms. There was silence, which was unheard of. As Kurt looked up, he saw a wall of the Warblers in front of him. They stood in a row, smiling sadly. The rest of the school had formed around them, both looking to Kurt, and to the performers. Then there was a hum, and the silence broke into song.
Blaine stepped forward, his eyes sparkling as he looked at Kurt.
“Kurt, I didn't want to give you a chance to say no. The Warblers are helping me say what I need to, the only way I know how.”
His voice started to join with the others as the opening chords started to ring through the cafeteria.
The dawn is breaking,
A light shining through.
You're barely waking,
And I'm tangled up in you, yeah.
I'm open, you're closed,
Where I follow, you'll go.
I worry I won't see your face,
Light up again.
Even the best fall down sometimes,
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme.
Out of the doubt that fills my mind,
I somehow find you and I collide.
I'm quiet you know,
You make a first impression.
I've found I'm scared to know,
I'm always on your mind.
Blaine's eyes began to twinkle, a solitary tear dripped from his eye.
Even the best fall down sometimes,
Even the stars refuse to shine.
Out of the back you fall in time,
I somehow find you and I collide.
Don't stop here,
I lost my place.
I'm close behind.
Even the best fall down sometimes,
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme.
Out of the doubt that fills your mind,
You finally find you and I collide.
You finally find you and I collide,
You finally find you and I collide.
Kurt couldn't even bear to look at the older boy. His eyes dropped to the floor as everyone else began to cheer. He had seen Blaine begin to cry, and from there, he knew what was coming. He saw it a mile and a stanza away. There was no way out, and it was happening in front of the entire school. He looked up, finally, and the words came. They came like bullets, and there was no way Kurt could've avoided them.
“Kurt, I love you.”
Silence dropped through the cafeteria again.
“Blaine, not now. Don't do this now.”
“I have to. I--”
“No. We're not doing this. Not here. Not now. This is not how I wanted this. Blaine, you're embarrassing me.”
Without waiting for a response, Kurt turned his body and walked out. There was so much wrong with this situation. If Blaine thought he could win Kurt back with a song and a few tears, there was more wrong with the relationship than Kurt had thought at the beginning. He didn't need someone to hold him to close, or someone to know him too well. He just wanted an equal. This manipulation was taking it too far. Blaine wasn't doing it maliciously. It wasn't that. It was just that Kurt could feel himself not resisting, and that scared him. His father was right when he told him that sometimes the Hummels had to go it alone. He didn't sing that duet with Sam, and now he wasn't going to allow Blaine to win him back with a few notes.
Kurt broke into a run. He could hear Blaine running behind him. It took all his willpower to keep him from looking back. This was a time that he had to be strong. Blaine was an even bigger threat than the bullies at McKinley. He was an emotional tumor. A loving, hard to resist, gorgeous tumor. But one that needed to be cut out of his life. At least until Kurt could figure out what he wanted.
That was the core of the issue. Kurt wanted what Blaine did. Kurt always thought that he was the most individual person he knew except for maybe Rachel. He was always himself. Out for himself. Competitive. Personal. But now his relationship with Blaine was degrading the simple individuality that he had treasured so much. There was so much of himself that he'd lost in these last few months, and McKinley, with all its bullies, it's clich� High school drama, and it's wonderful people would help him see who he really was. Not this Blaine-Pleaser that he'd become.
The front gate flew out in front of him and he walked out to the bus station. His bus wouldn't be there for another thirty minutes or so, (he silently thanked Blaine for picking one of the three times of day that the bus ran from here to Lima) but he would wait. Blaine would know better than to come for him when he was like this. Kurt grasped his bag closer to him and looked out to the park across the street. There were birds flying in the sky, and a few ducks in the pond. Spring was in the air, and it smelled so much happier outside than Kurt felt inside.
The minutes dragged on and all the young man could wonder is what Blaine was thinking. He would be crying, of course. He wouldn't understand. He didn't do anything wrong, it's just that Kurt needed the space. He needed to be the boy that Blaine fell in love with instead of the formless lump he'd become. But deep inside, beneath all the reasons why Kurt told himself he needed this change, he was still heartbroken. Blaine had become as much a part of him as his stomach, or his heart. Taking Blaine out of his life caused him pain. But the pain, he convinced himself, would make him stronger. Blaine had been someone to crowd him with love, and force him to care. He was always there, as frightened as him. And yet now Kurt was alone. He forced himself not to think of alone as not alive.
“If I can't function alone,” he told himself, “then I'm not a person. I'm not a person, performer, or anything. I'm a blind, thoughtless servant. I am more than the part of a whole. I am Kurt Hummel, and I wont be defined by the man who loves me.”
The bus finally came, its silvery siding shining in the afternoon sun. Kurt stepped up the metal stairs and deposited his change in the slot. The driver nodded him on.
There were two other people riding that bus that afternoon. An old woman, her eyes focused ahead, a yellow cardigan covering her stout frame. She was smiling with a serenity that can't be achieved by anyone under the age of seventy. As if all the cares in the world had passed her by. The smile was one that implied that she had accepted her lot in life and moved on. She swayed slightly to the classical music playing from the speakers. As Kurt passed her, he couldn't help but thinking how lucky she was. She had so much acceptance in her. Her situation, her life. She could be alone without children for all he knew, and she sat there, smiling at a stranger on the bus. He envied her more than he would allow himself to admit. All he'd done the past few days was worry. Worry and think.
The second passenger was a man. He was in his late thirties, and looked to have seen better days. His suit was a bit threadbare in places, and his shoes were in need of a good polish. He looked glumly out the window, watching as the countryside passed by. Kurt thought about the humor of the other two passengers. One being obviously happy with her lot in life, the other seemed to be luckless in every venture. The lettering on his briefcase was peeling off. From what used to be RLE there now was only a bit of the R remaining. LE was still clear, if not a bit beaten. Nothing about the man screamed money, or happiness, or luck. Kurt frowned at him and took a seat to his left.
The man looked over as Kurt took his seat and gave him a nod. There was something familiar in his face and his eyes. The face shape was like a memory, but Kurt was sure he'd never met this man before. Turning away, Kurt wracked his brains. He was sure that he'd seen the man somewhere. Or at least someone that looked like him. Mentally running through the role of McKinley, Kurt came up short. He had no idea.
The bus pulled into a stop and the old woman in the yellow cardigan got out. She smiled and gave Kurt a wave as she stepped off the bus. He returned it before looking at the man. He didn't seem to be paying much attention before Kurt spoke, his voice shaky from an hour of misuse.
“Uh, sir. This is the last stop before Lima. Should you be getting off?”
Nobody went to Lima that didn't live there. There was nothing to go to. The man turned and looked surprised. He studied Kurt's face for a few moments before replying. He pulled a cigarette out from his inside pocket and opened a window. His blond hair blew up in the wind, and he gave the cigarette a light.
“No, kid. I'm going to Lima. It's where my family lives.” He blew a puff of smoke out of the window and closed his eyes for a clutch of heartbeats.
“Do you have kids?” Kurt's curiosity was peaked, even if he hated the stench of cigarette smoke.
“Yeah, I've got three. Two boys and a girl. The boy's about your age. His name's Sam. Sam Evans? He goes to McKinley.” The man took another drag.
Kurt's eyes lit up. The blond hair, the face. It made sense. This was Sam's dad. But why was he out by Dalton? And why was he looking so down on the dumps. Sam had said his father moved his family out here for a new job. Deciding to ask Sam when he got back to McKinley on Monday, Kurt moved the conversation onto Sam.
“Oh yeah! I know Sam.” Kurt said pleasantly. Trying not to stare at the burn hole on the right breast of Mr. Evan's suit. “He's in the Glee Club. Such a great singer. Really talented. I'm sure he gets it from you.”
Mr. Evans gave a non-committal grunt and threw his cigarette out the window. The bus pulled to a stop and Kurt got off, Mr. Evan's behind him. Kurt waved to him, and almost told him to tell Sam he said hello, but decided against it, knowing that Sam wouldn't want Kurt to see his dad like that. The man seemed so defeated, as if all the hope had been sucked out of the world. Maybe Sam had changed, but when Kurt left, Sam was still happy-go-lucky. Kurt wondered how he did it day in and day out. The strength it must have required.
A blackbird cawed from the front of a nearby building. Kurt took a left turn and took the well-known route back to his house. His father would still be at the shop, and Finn's mom would probably be at her work as well. The house would be to himself, and there would be silence for a few hours. The bus had given him enough silence, and all Kurt wanted to do right now was take all these feelings. The doubt, the hate, the self-loathing, the sadness, the anger, the happiness. All of them, and just pour it into a song. The auditorium would be open right now, so Kurt directed himself to McKinley instead.
The highschool seemed so quiet as he walked down the hallways. There was noone in the halls, and as he walked past the classrooms, nobody noticed him. It was almost as if he never left. The doors to the auditorium were open, as normal. Kurt climbed the familiar stairs and looked out at the empty seats. Kurt smiled, thinking about how much he'd missed this stage. How much power there was in a solo, without any backup Warblers weighing him down. He opened his mouth, and a song poured out.
When he started to sing, he began to realize that it wasn't just Blaine. It was never just Blaine.
�never dreamed of this sorrow,
I never thought I'd have reason to lament,
I hoped I'd never know heartbreak,
How I wish I could change the way things went!
I wanted nothing but goodness,
I wanted reason to prevail,
Not this bare emptyness.
I wanted Days of Plenty.
But I refused to feel tragic,
I am aching for more than pain and grief.
There has got to be meaning,
Most of all when a life has been so brief.
I have got to learn something,
How can I give her any less?
I want life to go on.
I want Days of Plenty
You have to Believe,
There is reason for Hope.
You have to Believe�
That the answers will come.
You can't let this defeat you.
I won't less this defeat you.
You must fight to keep her there,
Within you!
So Believe that she matters!
And Believe that she always will!
She will always be with you!
She'll be part of the days you've yet to feel!
She will live in your bounty!
She will live as you carry on your life!
So carry on,
Full of Hope,
She'll be there,
For all your Days of Plenty.
The tears rolled down his face. He missed his mom. She'd know what to tell him.