A soft jingling of bells greeted Blaine's ears as he found himself somewhere between a sleep world and what must have been reality. Still mostly asleep, his mind was trying to comprehend the noise, and somewhere in a dream he could have sworn that Santa Claus was landing on the roof at this very moment in time.

But the moment that a heavy weight landed on his bed, sending the springs squeaking and frame shaking violently, Blaine realized that he stopped believing in Santa Claus long ago. Instantly, his eyes flew open and his heart slammed against his ribcage as his mind raced backwards in time, preparing for one of many scenarios with his father. Seeing clearly despite the darkness that still enveloped his room, Blaine could feel a relieved gasp of air whistle through his dry throat. I'm not living in the past anymore, Blaine forced his thoughts to slow down enough to coherently form a sentence in his brain. It's just Kurt, no one else. Slowly, his brain began to make sense of his previous thoughts.

The ringing sounds that he had heard was just the jingle bells that had been hung on his doorknob when the Hummel-Hudson family decorated for Christmas. Kurt and Blaine both knew that Burt had ulterior motives for the placement of those extremely noisy bells.

That was the easy part of the truth for him to face. Another reality that was floating around inside his head reminded him that whenever he heard a loud noise or if something unseen surprised him, his brain automatically reverted to panic mode. Almost every morning, at this point, he was jolted awake by some small noise that his brain had hyperactively noted. Honestly, the only reason for that was the memories that plagued his mind every time he fell asleep. There wasn't anything he could do about it anymore; he couldn't stop those unwanted thoughts from intruding on his mind while he slept.

Really, that wasn't completely why he was starting to hate sleeping. What truly scared him was that it felt like the version of himself living in those dreams, his subconscious, was slowly slipping away to something that he absolutely abhorred with every fiber of his being. Sleeping was his most vulnerable time, and something not so deep in his memories always took advantage of that. Actually, it hadn't started out that way when he first came to the Hummel-Hudson household. For the first days, he hardly slept, and when he did it was only a jump in his mind; one minute he would be staring blindly into the darkness, fighting to keep away all of those thoughts that he suppressed during the daytime, then, the next minute, he was blinking against the brightness of morning flooding his room. Those nights had come as a relief, but they hardly occurred anymore.

The change hadn't happened in one moment or one day, but gradually Blaine felt himself growing jumpier until every little sound of the wind blowing would cause his eyes to snap open immediately, expecting the worst. Expecting the last few weeks to be a dream. Expecting to wake up any day now back in that horrid place just waiting and dreading what he knew was coming. Expecting to face Kurt the next morning at school and have him not know a single thing about what really happened under Blaine's roof.

It felt like someone was squeezing his heart with as much force as humanly possible, and Blaine's thoughts skidded to a halt. What am I thinking? Haven't I wished for that exact thing a million times since I came to Kurt's house? All I want is for Kurt to be happy, so why is it painful for me to think of Kurt idolizing me as the perfect boy again, without anything soiling that persona?

There was no way that Blaine was going to admit it to himself, but somewhere in the back of his mind he knew that it was because once he had the freedom, the hope, the possible happiness that Kurt's family offered, he didn't want to let go of it. Blaine knew just how selfish that was, and every time a thought like that even crossed his mind, he hated himself for ever imagining it for even a fraction of a second. I don't deserve to make them sad just because I can't have the perfect life that everyone thinks I should. All they have done for me is too much, why can't I just let them have a happy, normal life? If only I could just disappear, not exist anymore. Suddenly, those words hit him in the stomach, more sickening than any physical blow could have been.

No! What am I even thinking? Trying to backtrack, Blaine was shoving a new lie right down his throat. I didn't mean that, he tried to convince himself. I can't mean that. Sometimes Blaine just felt like he was alone in his mind, fighting a losing battle with his thoughts as he just kept forcing himself to keep breathing.

And then there was Kurt, practically bouncing on top of his bed with a giddy excitement and a wide smile. It was unusual sight, seeing as how Kurt usually acted proper and refined. 1He was like a child on Christmas morning, because, well, it was Christmas morning. Something in those grinning lips and sparkling eyes filled with delight just made Blaine wish he could be that cheerful, courageous, perfect boy that Kurt first met. Gritting his teeth, he knew that there was something he could do about that. Like so many other times before, Blaine struggled to shove at the thoughts in his mind. Slowly, he could feel as he forced them into the back of his mind. It still shocked him that he could actually still do that. All of those thoughts and feeling felt so overwhelming most of the time, but when he looked at the angelic face of his boyfriend, he was able to choke down his memories. Yet he knew that those same memories could only be suppressed for so long before they came back with vengeance, intent on twisting his mind even more.

For now, though, he could just put the mask back on; he felt safer that way anyhow, much less vulnerable and revealed. In the current day, he could just keep pretending that the smiling boy was himself and that everything had actually improved. Blaine could feeling his mouth curling into a familiar smile, one that he used to have perfected, but for some reason he just couldn't figure out how to make that light reach his eyes anymore. Instead, Blaine just ran his hands over his face under the pretense of rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

When he blinked his eyes again, Kurt was holding out a hand for him to take. This bouncing boy was so unlike the one Blaine was accustomed to, yet in was somewhat a relief to see him able to let go of his more formal personality. "Are you ready to go open some presents?" Kurt asked through his smile. Something dark twisted in the pit of Blaine's stomach, and he could have sworn that if he had just eaten a meal, his stomach would have dispelled it at this point. No! Blaine wanted to snap back, but not at his boyfriend, at himself. For a the faintest flash of time, he had felt excitement curl in his stomach at the thought of those decorated boxes all done up with bows sitting beneath a Christmas tree. Then, his brain caught up, and the satisfaction that had warmed him up turned to some sort of twisted cold nausea. Oh, God, Blaine finally realized what Christmas morning meant this year. Presents. More reasons to feel utterly indebted to Kurt's for my entire life because I don't fucking deserve even the smallest gift from them.

Feeling his throat clench closed at even the prospect of having someone give something to him, Blaine tried to swallow those revolting contemplations. The only thing worse than receiving those things that I so clearly am absolutely unworthy of is me being ungrateful for them. Luckily, Blaine didn't think that Kurt noticed the falter in his smile. Or if he did, there was no way he even understood what caused it. Within a few second, though, Blaine accomplished his attempt at stuffing everything to the back of his mind.

"Yes." Blaine's mouth tasted sour with the lie, yet he realized how much better at convincing Kurt he had become. Taking his boyfriend's hand in his own, Blaine hoped that his memories would leave him alone for just a little longer.

Please… just give me enough time to make Kurt happy.

Tugging Blaine's arm after him, Kurt could feel a swell of excitement rush over him. It's Christmas morning, and I get to spend it alone with Blaine. Well, it wasn't exactly alone, because the rest of his family was right upstairs, separated only by the few inches that created the distinction between the ceiling of ground level and the floor of the second story. Still, though, Kurt thought, there is at least some luck in the fact that Finn didn't come bouncing down the stairs to open the presents like a child. Really, he knew that he didn't have a right to make fun of the way that Finn reacted to celebrations, because Kurt was doing his fair share of bouncing and grinning like an idiot. But

As they crept down the stairs as quietly as they could, Kurt made sure that Blaine couldn't see his smile falling. There was no way the Kurt missed the haunted look that was in Blaine's eyes a moment ago, but he wasn't going to bring it up. It's not that I'm just trying to ignore the way the Blaine is feeling, it's just that I don't think either of us could deal with that this morning. Somewhere in his heart, Kurt felt guilty for not staring Blaine in the eyes and telling him that every time he tried to hide the little slips in his demeanor, Kurt could tell. The only problem was that if Kurt did bring it up, he knew that Blaine would only deny it all. Weeks ago, when Blaine had showed up at his door that night, there had only been so much that Blaine would say before he shut himself down again. Kurt knew that there was nothing more that he could do to help Blaine open up than just be there. I will be, Kurt told himself. I will be there, no matter what he thinks will happen. I will always be there, right beside him, through it all.

Pulling Blaine behind him, Kurt didn't want to let go of his boyfriend's hand. He wished that somehow, through his gentle grip, he could show Blaine just how much he loved him and Blaine would actually believe every single bit of it. But that's not going to happen, a little voice in the back of his head tried to remind him. It hurt that a piece of him found that to be so certain, because over all, he really didn't want to believe that. I'm not going to believe that, he bit back at his thoughts. I'm going to keep trying. There is no way I am ever going to give up on Blaine, and I'll make sure he knows that, too.

With Blaine's hand firmly held in his own, Kurt reminded himself of a promise he would never think of breaking. I'm never going to give up on him.

They reached the living room sooner than either of them even noticed. Somehow, both of them had replaced their faltering smiles with something much more sweet, yet still sad. With one look at the Christmas tree sitting in the corner, boxes stacked underneath, Kurt could feel excitement bubbling up inside of him. In a few steps, they made their way over to the tree, and Kurt plugged it in. Multicolored lights filled the room with a soft, warm kind of light that Kurt could feel to the core of his bones despite the chill in the air. Reflecting the light, colorful yet fragile glass ornaments hung off practically every branch of the tree. What was underneath the tree, though, was even more exciting. It wasn't that there were piles and piles of boxes, but the shimmering wrapping paper just invited Kurt to hope for what was inside.

What's inside the presents isn't really what is making me the most excited, to tell the truth, Kurt knew. Really, I haven't had someone to come down stairs with ever since… He let his thoughts trail off, unsure of how much thinking he would be able to deal with. It's not like I need to be breaking down on Blaine. He has enough to worry about.

Then, somewhat to his own surprise, Kurt interrupted the silence with a hushed whisper. "When I was really young, my mom used to come downstairs with me every Christmas morning because I didn't have any other siblings." Slightly shocked by the little confession he had just made, Kurt tried to keep his breathing steady. "After I tore open a few of my gifts sometime before eight o'clock in the morning, she would pull me into her lap and sing Christmas carols until I fell asleep again." Kurt felt his eyes prickling at the memory, yet at the same he knew that his face must look absolutely alive. For years, he hadn't remembered it clearly, maybe because he always tried to block out the memories of his mother that he thought would hurt the most. Right now, though, he could practically hear the sound of songs being hummed softly and the comfort of a warm pair of arms wrapping around his small shoulders. The only real contact against his skin right now was Blaine's hand. It's more than enough.

When he heard Blaine's unsteady voice, Kurt dragged his eyes away from the glowing tree. "My mom…" Blaine's voice wavered a little bit over those words and trailed off at the end, as if he was somehow afraid to say them. For some reason, Kurt was enraptured by Blaine's face. Light was bouncing off of the soft angles of his face, the multicolored lights tinting his olive skin different coloreds and glinting in his eyes that wouldn't stray from the tree. But there's something else, too. In the midst of the brokenness clearly radiating from Blaine's face, there was something that Kurt couldn't exactly put his finger on. No…it's not exactly hope… it's more like a small ember that just wasn't fully extinguished… and I don't think that Blaine can even tell. That was it. There was a little bit of life left in him that Blaine just could not see. The only problem was that there was absolutely no way that Kurt could show him.

Then, the second was over, and Blaine seemed to have found his speech again. Starting out a little bit stronger this time, though with different words, Blaine continued to whisper. "Every Christmas morning I would sneak down the stairs as quietly as I could at around midnight, afraid that the loud thrumming of my heart would give me away." Blaine's eyes were almost glazing over as he stared, most likely without even seeing, straight through the tree. There was a little voice in the back of Kurt's head that told him he should make Blaine stop before he said something he would regret. It reminded Kurt that there were things that he might not want to hear, that he just couldn't bear to listen to. The voice told him that Blaine, with that far-off look in his eyes, might not even know that he was speaking his thoughts aloud. Probably, Blaine was reliving those moments of his memory, and the little voice in the back of Kurt's head told him that maybe it was time to just run. Those things going on in Blaine's memory might just be too much. Run…

No! Kurt fought back, appalled that even a small fraction of his brain would think those things. I saw that last little spark, no matter how quickly is was gone. It was there! I'm never going to give up. I'm never going to let go of the hand in mine right now. I'm never going to run, no matter how tough it gets for me to tolerate, because I know that for Blaine, it has to be so much worse than that. He can never run away from it. He can never run away from the memories inside his own head.

Somehow, these thoughts had bombarded Kurt's brain within only a matter of seconds. Next thing he knew, Blaine's voice was ringing out again, and Kurt was forcing himself to focus. "Most of the time, I could get away with it. I was a fairly light kid, so I didn't make much noise walking around. But then there were the times when he hadn't come home until an hour or to earlier than that, so he wasn't asleep." The last sentence was almost a breath of air, and Kurt strained to hear the words, but the darkness in Blaine's eyes was a dead give away. Kurt could feel himself keeping his chest tight and hardly breathing, trying to prepare himself for anything else that Blaine was going to say about his father. Really, this was the first time that Blaine had said anything else about it other than that night, and for some reason it just seemed more painful. Maybe it was because both of them had been in a kind of dream like state, neither even believing it was real for hours or days or, hell, even weeks.

Now, though, everything had finally sunk in, and there was something so raw, so real about not just Blaine's words, but also the expression on his face. It was as if Kurt was finally seeing a small piece of Blaine's mind and his heart, and to be honest, he was a bit terrified.

This time when Blaine spoke, his words didn't have the same harsh edge anymore. "But the other Christmas mornings, I would wait," Blaine's voice sounded as if it could crack to pieces, yet there was still no sign of tears. "I was always trying to see Santa Claus, yet I never could stay up. I would just sit under the warmth of the Christmas tree lights and wait, sometimes for only a few minutes, sometimes for hours, but I always fell asleep. Almost every time, my mother would gently wake me up not much later, telling me that Santa Claus had brought me gifts. Over the time that I had slept, about three or four gifts just materialized out of thin air." Looking over at his own pile of gifts underneath the Christmas tree, Kurt could tell that he always had received definitely more than three, and that left him with a twinge of guilt. As his voice shook slightly, Blaine continued, "My mother would watch as I quickly opened each present, with one of her happiest faces I could ever remember. As I grew older, when I brought down a present for her, too, it was kind of a tradition that we kept up. Even last year…" Blaine's words choked off into a silence that Kurt was afraid to break.

You miss her, don't you? Kurt wanted to ask his boyfriend, and he wanted to tell him that he understood. I know what that feels like. I know just how difficult it is to wake up every morning, not just on Christmas, and wanting everything to be absolutely perfect. Wanting it to be just like the year before, but knowing that past year may end up being a distant memory, almost like a dream that you can't fully remember the next morning.

Waiting for a moment, trying to see if Blaine was going to say anything else, Kurt tried to gauge his expression. It was obvious just how hard Blaine was trying to hold together the cracks in his façade. His trembling radiated out from the core of his body and all the way down to the hand was grasped securely in Kurt's. They just stood there for a few minutes, one of them fighting to hold on as tight as he could to everything he had been building for so long, trying to keep the cap on everything he had constantly bottled up.

"Blaine?" Kurt cursed his high, weak voice. I need to show him that I can do this, that I can be the strong one for once. In this moment, I need to take care of him, to comfort him. Yet Kurt was still afraid, and when he tried to speak again, it came off just as feeble. "Blaine?" Untwining his finger from Blaine's, Kurt brushed his fingertips up his boyfriend's arm and rested his hand in between Blaine's quivering shoulder blades.

Kurt didn't miss the faint twitch away from his hand that Blaine gave in response, and it sent a painful chill right through his stomach. When he met Blaine's eyes, there was the familiar wall up, safeguarding all of his feelings behind the dam. "Can we just…" Blaine spoke carefully, annunciating each word as if trying to prove to himself that everything was perfect and that he wasn't going to fall apart. "Can we just open the presents now?" Gesturing towards the boxes underneath the tree, Blaine tried to put a smile on his face that didn't do a thing to fool either of them. If anything, it just made Kurt worry even more.

Yet he didn't say anything as the cold filled his chest. Kurt knew that there wasn't anything he could say right now. Stepping towards the tree and away from his boyfriend, Blaine left Kurt's hand hovering in mid-air behind him. Quickly, Kurt moved after him, catching Blaine's hand in his own again. Though there was still a chill prickling at his heart, Kurt felt a wave of relief wash through him as Blaine gave a gentle squeeze in acknowledgment.

Someday, Kurt knew, Blaine just won't be able to deal with it anymore, and he's just going to break down. That wasn't the way that Kurt wanted it, yet he knew it was true. He would do or say absolutely anything if it would help. But it won't. There is no way I can fix right now. If it would work, Kurt would practically force Blaine to just let something out. But he has to be the one to choose that, but there is no way he will until he finally just breaks, and his walls come crumbling down. It inconceivably distressed Kurt to think about Blaine just deteriorating underneath the burden of his past. Kurt felt absolutely helpless as he gripped Blaine's hand in his own, and for the millionth time that day, he just reminded himself of the promise he wanted to say aloud to Blaine.

I won't ever let go or give up. I swear, I'll just keep holding on.