The first time I saw Jeremiah, my heart sped up in a very familiar way. He offered to help Wes pick out a tie and my eyes darted straight to these familiar green eyes. I blurted out "Justin", he laughed as he pointed to his name tag and said "close enough".

From that moment, whenever I came here alone, I took the time to sit on this bench to see if he's working and imagine that he is Justin - and I was waiting for him to finish his shift. I think of uncountable what ifs that all answer to this: No. Those things will never happen because of that night that changed our lives forever. And I walk away.

Finn leaves for a while to look for snacks as I take out my Ipod and scroll through my playlist, unsure of what I want to hear. A stranger sits next to me, before I get the chance to tell him the seat's taken, Jeremiah's eyes stop me again."Hi there." he says.

I'm speechless.

"I remember you. Where are your friends?" he asks.

"Oh, they're not here." I answer, fumbling with my earphones.

"Too bad, say would you like to go out sometime...for coffee?"

"I... Uhh... sure." I manage to say.

"Cool! Give me your number and I'll give you a call."

He hands me his phone, I save my number and he walks away.

Finn comes back with a basket of nachos. I'm still flustered by the encounter. It's a good thing Finn's busy eating or else he'd notice the panic in my eyes.

After their shopping spree we go for dinner at Breadstix. Kurt notices my uneasiness as I keep checking my phone, hoping to get a call - or at least a text message from Jeremiah, but I receive nothing. The dinner is quite entertaining, the New Directions are struggling within and they have their own personal drama as well. Normally, I would feel good about the fact that our rival choir may be very distracted, but they're Kurt's friends... Friends I wish I had. I check my phone once more. By the end of the night I look in as Kurt and Rachel exchange a few more jokes and plan something for the next weekend. Mercedes hugs me again and Finn shakes my hand as they get into his car and drive back home. Kurt drives us back to Dalton as I check my phone one more time.

"Must be really important for you to check every five minutes." Kurt says.

"It's nobody." I say flatly to drop the subject. Talking about Jeremiah might lead me to talk about Justin and I feel too frustrated to even go there. I let out a deep sigh.

"I'm sorry. Just a little worn out. You had fun today?" I ask.

"Yeah, saw you and Mercedes hugging, care to share?" he asks.

"She just misses you and was wondering how you really are at Dalton. Your friends are amazing Kurt."

"You should meet the rest of the New Directions. I love our little gaggle of misfits. If the Warblers ever make it to Nationals this year, maybe we could hang out with your friends."

"I'm sure they would love that." I say looking out the window, trying to keep my voice from breaking.

I fall asleep during the drive, listening to Kurt hum some song.

"Hey sleepyhead, we're home." Kurt whispers as he nudges me to wake.

"Wha... gosh!" I sit upright. "Did i sleep all the whole drive Kurt? I'm so sorry, I mean I came along to make sure you had someone with you and I..."

"Don't worry about it. I was surprised you wanted to spend the whole Saturday babysitting my friends or Finn mostly."

How could I have fallen asleep. That was so embarrassing.

I was about to tell Kurt how I was going to make it up to him, I was distracted earlier, I fell asleep on the drive, I was the worst friend today. Before I could speak, his phone rings.

"Oh my god Rach, we just got in." Kurt gushes as he motions for me to join him in his room, I excuse myself in reply, mouthing another "sorry". I really don't feel like hanging out tonight.

After a cold shower I walk out to my balcony, phone in hand. Still nothing. I feel stupid. Why am I waiting? He probably won't call. I planned on simply crashing, but found myself opening Justin's journal, confused with Jeremiah in my head. I flip through the pages Justin stuck photos of us. I find one taken in my room back in New York. He took it while Seth and I were busy reading comic books. It was just an ordinary day.

I go slowly through the sketches, of me, of us. These moments, some I vaguely remember, immortalized in pencil and ink through Justin's eyes. Tears are welling up again. I let them flow, tired of keeping them back throughout the day. I make it to the near end of the sketches to find a flyer, neon pink, almost torn The Sadie Hawkins Dance. Also glued to the page is our tickets for that night. At the sight of them I can't help but let out sobs, my hands start shaking. That night, I can't help to love and to hate at the same time.

We were happy. Justin, Seth and I. Why did we have to go through those things. Why did I love Justin? Things would not have happened if we didn't get together like that. Why am I all alone now. Why? Why? Why?

I turn through the next page to find them deliberately torn out. I cannot control it any longer. This loneliness, my grief, and a sadness that keeps returning.

It's still not over. I'm not over anything yet. No matter how much I try to move on, things keep bringing me back. Jeremiah, Kurt, and this journal. This fucking journal.

I throw the leather-bound book across the room, the torn pages probably caused the binding to loosen and pages are scattered on the floor. I throw my knees back and clutch them tightly.

I wake up Sunday morning, still undressed, head throbbing, eyes sore from falling asleep as I cried. I just lay in bed the rest of the morning. I hear footsteps as Kurt walks over to my door, I assume it's late in the afternoon. He knocks.

"Blaine, are you alright? Haven't seen you all day."

I rush to put on a hoodie and sweatpants to answer the door. I peek out slightly, seeing that he's brought some food.

"I'm fine Kurt, just a bit under the weather, but I'll be okay by tomorrow."

My throat feels dry and rough, I probably sound convincing - because he rushes to his room and comes back, placing an aspirin and some of his vitamins in my hand. I promise to take them along with the food he brought. I close the door, paper bag in hand. I feel too weak to even walk over to my desk. I slump on my dorm room floor and rest my head on the door.

I jump when someone knocks on my door again. I'd been sitting for about an hour, maybe less.

"Blaine, it's Wes, are you there?"

Oh no. If Wes sees me like this, he'll get curious, then he'll assume something's wrong and won't stop until he gets it out of me.

Before I even try to get up I hear the muffled sound of Kurt's voice. "He's sick. I brought him food and gave him some vitamins, he must be asleep."

" Oh," Wes replies. "I'll let him rest then. I was just going to remind you both, auditions are on Wednesday. We're all very excited to see what you got, Kurt."

"Really? Wow. You're asking me to audition? " Kurt replies, somewhat nervously.

"Yes, Blaine didn't tell you yet? I texted him yesterday... Well, I guess he just forgot. Anyway, I'll drop by later or look for him tomorrow when he's better. Later Kurt."

The auditions for Sectionals, of course its this week.

Shit.

A few weeks ago I decided to sing a mid-tempo version of Happy Together.

I try to sing it out halfway through, I go out of tune and stop.

There is no way I'd ever be able to sell this.

In my head this song would be perfect. The boys could add harmonies, we could do a domino of voices. I clutch my head in my hands.

No, I can't lose this too... I can't let the boys down... This could help us win.

I try to focus.

My voice breaks.

Fuck.

I feel the throbbing pain on my knuckles. It will surely bruise tomorrow. I should not have punched the wall.

No, focus, Blaine.

As I shake off the pain and press the rewind button on my player to try again, I hear my phone ringing from my bag.

"Mom?" I answer, my voice still a bit strained.

"Blaine, honey, you alright?"

I take a deep breath before I answer. "I'm fine mom, how about you? Dad? Eva?"

"We're all good dear. We miss you terribly, oh Eva wants to talk."

"Blaine?" At the sound of my sister's voice, all of my frustration melts and I am able to smile even for a while.

"Hey baby girl, Sorry I haven't called. What did you do today?"

"I got a gold star in school today and we're putting on a play!"

"Really, wow, that's my girl. What's the play about?"

"This girl named Dorothy. I'm Dorothy, Blaine. Did mommy tell you yet? I get to see you after tomorrow." What? I hear my mother ask for her phone back.

"Blaine, we're flying there tomorrow evening, the three of us. Your father has a meeting in Columbus the morning after, so we've decided to visit. I'll arrange for your excuse slips when we get there. Is that alright dear?"

"Of course mom! I'd be happy to see you, Eva and Dad."

"Well, Dad might be caught up the whole day, he might join us for dinner though. We take the red eye back home."

"Oh, alright. So you and Eva will spend the whole day Tuesday here. Right."

"Are you busy? Do you want us to just drop by after your classes?"

"No, no, I'd love to see you both and spend the day."

"Okay, do you want anything from home?"

I fall silent at her words.

"No mom, I'm all good."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, mom."

"Alright, Goodnight honey, see you soon."

"Goodnight mom."

I spend the whole Monday morning straightening out my room. Any traces of the weekend hidden again. I'm trying to look okay, gelled hair and all. My mother does not need to see me like that. My sister deserves a brother who can protect her, not someone broken. My dad, if I see him, needs to see me well enough to think Dalton is not a waste. I bandage my right hand, still thinking of an excuse for my swollen knuckles.

Justin's journal is a mess, the pages are all mixed up as I hide them away into my drawer. I feel so much hatred for the thing right now.

I decide to get to my afternoon classes. On my way down the staircase I find Kurt, Nick and Jeff laughing. I try to run past them, but Kurt sees me and follows.

"Hey, what happened to your hand?" he asks softly.

"It's nothing." I say curtly. "Sorry, late for class." I leave.

The day goes by a blur, by the end of it I try to stay away from my dorm room. I go for an evening run. The night air is refreshing. I walk around after a few rounds to wind down and stop when I see a familiar silhouette on a third floor balcony. It's Kurt, walking back and forth. He must be rehearsing for the audition.

I wish you well Kurt. You'll be great. I won't make it, I'm sure of it.

I watch as he does these hand gestures. I don't hear a word but it seems something operatic. He runs by the song twice before going back inside.

Will I sing on Wednesday, knowing and feeling like I won't do a good enough job?

"There's supposed to be a wizard and a lion." Eva explains.

"Yes, there's also a scarecrow and witches." I tell her as she sits on my lap, holding me tightly.

"Really? Wow!" she screams.

"I have the movie in my room, we could watch it today if you like." I say, making her smile wider.

"Yay! Mommy, Blaine has our play in his room. We're watching!"

"Shh... Mommy's in the headmaster's office, we can't be too noisy." I whisper as I kiss her hair.

Eva continues to try to whisper when Kurt walks out of our Guidance counsellor's office. He sees us and I motion him to come over.

"Hello there, I love your shoes." he tells her.

"Thanks! I picked them out." she answers enthusiastically.

"Eva, this is Kurt. He's a good friend of mine." I say.

She pulls out a handshake and says, "Hi Kurt, I like your hair and your eyes they look like Ariel's eyes. Do you want to join us Kurt? We're watching Dorothy!"

"It's the Wizard of Oz, Eva. And yeah, do you have a lot of classes today? You can hang with us if you like." I offer. Kurt looks surprised.

"Sure. I just have to do this report this morning, but I'm free after lunch."

"Alright, cool. Call me just in case we're not in my room 'kay?"

"Okay, see you. Eva, I'll see you later."

"Bye Kurtsie." that leaves a wide smile on Kurt's face. As he leaves my mother and our headmaster finally come out.

We head to my dorm which now looks pristine and very organized. Eva jumps onto my bed while my mother fusses around my blazer.

"You look like you haven't been sleeping well. Come here." She hugs me tightly, I hug her back, fighting tears again.

"Things have just been a bit hectic. The audition for Sectionals is tomorrow." I explain. She takes my injured hand and kisses it. I try to make up an excuse about the boys trying to get me into boxing. She doesn't listen, instead she takes out a bottle of aloe from Eva's bag and spreads it onto my swollen knuckles. It's soothing.

I set up The Wizard of Oz on my laptop as Eva and I plop onto my bed. She snuggles right under my shoulder. Our mother continues to walk around my room, rearranging things. She opens my closet and finds nothing organized, just the way I meant it. It keeps her busy while Eva continues to watch and ask questions. I know she feels bad that she's not able to take care of me the way she should.

After lunch I take them both to the Aviary. Eva runs around the cages, amazed by the different birds. I hold my mother close. There's something I've been meaning to ask her.

"How is dad? How is home?"

"You know your father, he loves his job. He loves us too but has no idea how to juggle everything.

This meeting he's in is very important, for all of us." She puts her hand on my face. "Home, is different. Come home for the holidays this year. It's alright Blaine."

"I don't think I'm ready." I'm far from ready.

"Take all the time you need, dear." She says as she hugs me tightly once more.

"Kurtsie, kurtsie!" Eva screams as she runs to Kurt. She sees Pavarotti in his little cage and immediately asks Kurt if she could pet him. "I'm sorry dear, he might fly way if we open the little door."

"Oh... Okay... Blaine where's your pet bird?" She asks.

"Well, I used to have one, but someone else had to take care of him."

I introduce Kurt to my mother, he compliments the white laced sun dress, her grey pea coat and the teal beret my father gave her that she wore today. I took it as a cue to leave them to talk endlessly about fashion and decide to race Eva around the Aviary.

We lie around the grass after a round of hide and seek.

"Blaine, will you be home for Christmas and my play?" She asks as we stare at the clouds. "Of course, I wouldn't miss it for anything."

I cannot let her down. My bright, innocent, loving sister, I have to suck it all in, she is more important to me than any of my fears, than any of the threats. I'm going back to New York this year.

I walk them over to the gates as we wait for the car my father sent to arrive. Eva is worn out and falls asleep on our mother's lap. I sit on the bench across theirs, thankful for the day, but still hoping for my father to make an appearance.

"Blaine?" My mother asks.

"Mhmm?"

"Has Justin ever tried to get in touch with you?" I am shocked by her question.

Does she know where he is? Why is she even asking me this?

"No, he hasn't. I don't want him to." Maybe. "I haven't tried looking for him either."

"This came in the mail." She takes out a white envelope, I reach out to take it from her. I feel my chest tighten at the sight of his handwriting.

"There's no return address..."

I stay silent. Justin's letter in my hand.

A car pulls into the driveway, I carry Eva into the back seat.

"You father is sorry he couldn't take us out to dinner tonight. I want you to take care of yourself here, and never forget that we love you very very much." She kisses my forehead and gets into the car.

I walk back to the dorm with a heavier heart than before.

What does he think he's doing sending letters? Where is he? Do I even want to know?

I step into the threshold, Andrew is on his way out. "Auditions tomorrow man, I got one that's gonna blow you away." I try to smile and rush to my room.

Pretend time is over. I throw the unopened envelope onto my bed.

I don't feel like rehearsing, or moving so I sit on my floor once more, head in my hands. I fall back into my emotions. I feel them flowing through my body, like lava, like I'm close to exploding. My heart starts racing. The heat from my feet to my fingertips slowly rising to my head.

When will it end?

My phone vibrates in my pocket, a text message:

Hey there! - Jeremiah

That does it. I throw my phone across my room, it's screen breaks. I get up, walk heavily to my bed and rip the envelope open. I take out about three pages of paper folded together. The left side broken, like the pages have been ripped out. As I open the torn pages from Justin's journal, three dried petals fall to the floor, I read the first line:

Sorry,

Look at the stars,

Look how they shine for you,

And everything you do,

Yeah, they were all yellow.

"Won't we get in trouble for this Justin?"

"Trust me, you'll love it."

He opens the door and walks out to the school rooftop. Taking my hand, he leads me to the edge. The city lights are stunning.

I came along,

I wrote a song for you,

And all the things you do,

And it was called "Yellow".

So then I took my turn,

Oh what a thing to have done,

And it was all "Yellow."

"Did you have fun tonight?"

" Yes, I can't believe this is happening"

"I can."

His hand cups my face, those mesmerizing green eyes catching mine and not letting go. His lips start to move with mine like a dance, going through fast and slow caressing motions. I move my hands through his hair, onto his chest. I feel the heat from his touch and as he breaks our kiss for air, leaving the scent of his corsage on my skin.

Bang! The roof door slams open revealing five seniors, one of them, my attacker's brother.

Your skin,

Oh yeah your skin and bones,

Turn into something beautiful,

"No! Justin! Please, please stop. Stop we''ll leave, please!"

Two jocks hold onto Justin's arms as I watch him become a human punching bag.

"Not so tough now ,are you?"

"Please! Please, stop! Please!"

"Make him shut up! Someone might hear." He commands.

One of the two clutching my arms punches the side of my head, leaving a ringing sound in my ear, almost knocking me out. I manage to see Justin kneel down and fall face first onto the roof floor,blood coming out of his nose. I'm next.

He holds my head up, "We told you not to mess with us. We warned you. You had the nerve to get him expelled. That was a stupid thing to do."

I hear a crack as he punches my side. I gasp for air. His class ring scrapes my face as he smacks me with his heavy hand.

"I don't see how you two fags even have the nerve. You're disgusting."

He knees my abdomen and ends it with elbowing my chest. I fall into the ground, my heartbeat pounding, warm, wet blood trickling from my head. I fight to gasp for air.

You know, you know I love you so,

You know I love you so.

Beep

Beep

Beep

I swam across,

I jumped across for you,

Oh what a thing to do.

Cos you were all "Yellow",

"I know who did this! Listen to me, you have to find them, I know where they hang out. We have to get to them now before they hide." Seth screams as he holds my hand, crying.

"Blaine, I promise we'll make them pay for this."

Beep

Beep

Beep

I drew a line,

I drew a line for you,

"No! You're lying! Seth can't be! That's not true!" I scream as the tubes on my hand and skin sting.

Oh what a thing to do,

And it was all "Yellow."

"Where's the other boy? Where's Justin?" I hear my mother ask as I feign sleep, her voice tired and weary.

"His parents moved him to a different facility for rehabilitation, with the suspects still at large we advised them to seek treatment somewhere else. We ask you to do the same, ma'am. We cannot lose another young life."

I hold on tightly to my hospital bed.

This can't be true.

Your skin,

Oh yeah your skin and bones,

Turn into something beautiful,

"We are gathered here today to remember a boy who gave his life for justice, for truth. Seth Fletcher was a kind young man, a good son and a great friend."

And you know,

For you I'd bleed myself dry,

For you I'd bleed myself dry.

It's true,

Look how they shine for you,

Look how they shine for you,

Look how they shine for,

Look how they shine for you,

Look how they shine for you,

Look how they shine.

Look at the stars,

Look how they shine for you,

And all the things that you do.

I open my eyes, the Warblers applaud my audition. I take the time to stand from the piano and bow, wiping the tears that fall swiftly before anyone sees. Wes motions for us to leave while the council deliberates. I make sure I'm the first out and run to deep into the the south gardens. It's staring to get dark and almost everybody is on their way to dinner, no one will hear me .

Catching my breath and letting out uncontrollable sobs, I scream til my throat hurts.

I loosen my tie, throw my bag to the side and, losing any strength I had left, I fall to my knees on the grass.

Seth is gone, Seth is dead, because of me, because of us, because of...that 's all my fault..Justin, what did we do. Why did I?

I walk back to the dorm, my shirt stained with green, it's way past curfew. I climb onto one of the windows on the east side of our building. Wes probably took cue from my absence after the audition and left our rehearsal room window open. I have to thank him for covering for me again. I sneak in, walking slowly, my head down. The halls of Dalton at midnight are hauntingly peaceful and the eerie silence makes for great cover as I sneak past my friends' dorm rooms, trying my hardest to not make a sound.

As I keep going, I try and think about Eva and her being Dorothy and how I don't plan on letting her down. It doesn't help... The weight on my chest fails to diminish at the thought of my baby sister in a blue and white frock, saying iconic lines. As I turn right into the hallway that leads to my room, all thoughts of my sister and her first play are gone, leaving me feeling even more hollow and weak than before.

I stop before I reach my room, to find Kurt fast asleep on the hallway floor by his bedroom door.

A/N: Hey everyone! Thanks for reading this far. Parts of this chapter have been running through my head since the beginning and I'm glad and quite surprised they're out. It's the chapter I was scared to write, because it dealt with a lot of emotions and revelations, and I wanted to do them right. And I'm rambling. Anyway, If anyone is wondering how Blaine's version of "Yellow" sounds like, check out Sarah Bareilles' cover, it's very close to that.

As always, I'm very very thankful for each person who reads this.