It was Saturday morning, and Kurt was stuck at the Vogue.com offices, waiting for an email from Isabelle so he could get to work.  Kurt almost never worked there anymore, but Isabelle had been called away on some kind of emergency earlier in the week, and begged Kurt to come in and finish up some projects she had to abandon.  It was interesting stuff, and he appreciated the extra cash, but it ate up all his free time and had made it impossible to get together with Blaine since their date Monday night.

In some ways this may have been a good thing, he thought.  They've talked and texted a lot since Monday, and Blaine seemed more relaxed about things, less jumpy.  They haven't delved into any of the hard stuff, deciding that they really needed to have those types of conversations in person, but the playful, casual exchanges between them have been important, too.  In some ways it has been ridiculously easy to fall back into a relationship with Blaine, although it's definitely not the same as it was before.  Although they acknowledged their torn edges, it still hurt when they veered too close to a sore spot.  But overall Kurt felt like it was working well, and he was happier than he'd been in ages.  He thinks Blaine is, too.

Kurt sent a quick email off to Isabelle, asking as politely as he could manage if she was really going to have anything for him to do today or if he should just come back in tomorrow, and then picked up his phone and texted Blaine.

From Kurt:  Hey, are you awake?

From Blaine:  It's nine-thirty.  Of course I'm awake.

From Kurt:  Don't brag about your early-riser tendencies.  Some people could find that irritating.

From Blaine:  Are you one of those people?

From Kurt:  It depends on whether your bad habit affects my beauty sleep.

From Blaine:  I'd think it would depend on what I use to wake you up.  Because I seem to remember there were some methods you definitely didn't object to.

Kurt groaned.  He hadn't meant for the conversation to go in that direction, but he supposed it was just as much his fault as Blaine's.  It had been over two years since he and Blaine had done more than kiss, and since getting back together they hadn't even done that (pecks on the cheek didn't count), yet they were both all too eager to tease.

From Kurt:  I should tell you I'm at work.  So we should put this conversation on hold.

From Blaine:  I think we should get a medal, or something.  We must have set some kind of record for putting conversations on hold.  It's impressive that we have anything left to talk about.

From Kurt:  There's always the critical topic of where to keep the grapefruit spoons.

From Blaine:  That's true, I never did resolve that one.   Although I think Sam put an end to it by pointing out that we never buy any actual grapefruit, just grapefruit juice, and you don't need spoons for that.

From Kurt:  But how does that solve where to put the spoons?

From Blaine:  It doesn't, but it makes it less important, because we don't need to know where they are, since we'll never use them.

From Kurt:  Clever.  Hey, I actually did want to talk to you about conversations.

From Blaine:  That sentence would be hard to understand, if I didn't know what you were talking about. 

From Kurt:  See?  What did I tell you.  You always know.  Anyway, I made a draft of our list of hard stuff.  Can I send it to you?

From Blaine:  Sure.  Is it going to make me cry?  Because I haven't finished the embroidery on my new handkerchiefs, and I don't like to use them until they are ready.

Kurt would have been embarrassed at how he laughed out loud at Blaine's text, except that the office was deserted and no one was there to care.  He adored this man. 

From Kurt:  I hope it doesn't make you cry, because you're not allowed to cry unless I'm there to kiss you and make it better.

From Blaine: …Kurt.

From Kurt:  Okay, prepare yourself.  Here's the list:  Rachel, Kitty, the gritty details about your right leg, why it's so hard for you to talk about your leg, you thinking you can't perform, my ambivalence about my career, calling off the engagement, Burt and Carole potentially getting divorced.  Anything else I should add?

There was a long pause, and then Blaine responded.

From Blaine:  Do you want to put Finn/grieving?  I keep wanting to ask you how you are doing, but it seems so inadequate.  But I hate not saying anything.

From Kurt:  Thank you.  I'll add it.  If nothing else, it's one of those topics that will likely make me lose it, so it belongs on the list.

Another pause, and then Kurt's phone rang.

“Blaine?”

“Hi.  My hands were shaking so much even the iPhone spellchecker couldn't make any sense of what I was trying to say.”

“Okay.” 

“And I kind of wanted to hear your voice, if you can talk now,” Blaine added.

“Of course.  I can talk, no one's here anyway.”  Kurt wondered where Blaine was going with this.  He had that tone in his voice that signaled that more was coming.

“I love hearing your voice, you know,” Blaine continued.  “I love how you can put so much meaning into what you say to me, even if you're not saying very much at all.  As good as you are with words, when you speak to me, it's never just words.  It always makes me feel better.”  Kurt heard Blaine take a deep breath.  “Kurt, there's something I've wanted to tell you for a while, and if it's okay, I'd like to do it now,” Blaine explained.

“That sounds serious.  Shouldn't it go on the list?  I mean, we can put it on the list,” Kurt protested, feeling vaguely panicky.

“It's not bad, I promise.  And we can't put everything on the list.  Just listen, okay?  And try not to take this the wrong way.”

“Okay,” Kurt agreed reluctantly.  This was sounding better and better, he thought dejectedly.

“I just want you to know that it always helped when you talked to me.  After the accident, all those times when you called me, and texted me, I wasn't very appreciative.  Hell, half the time I don't think I said very much to you, no matter how hard you tried.  But it did help, Kurt.  Talking with you, even if I was just listening, it always made me feel better.”

“But it didn't help.  I didn't know what to say, I couldn't…” Kurt trailed off, his throat tightening up.  Thinking about Blaine in the hospital, in pain and withdrawn, made him feel sick to his stomach.  Blaine was right, there had been many phone conversations that were so one-sided they could hardly be called conversations, where Kurt tried valiantly to engage Blaine, and he just sighed or gave one-word answers in return.  Then Blaine would say he was too tired to talk, and they'd give up until the next night.  Then the next night would come and it would happen again, and Kurt would get angry at Blaine for not showing any interest, and then Kurt would say he was too tired and ring off.  It made him ache to remember.  “Why are you telling me this now?” 

“Because I think you feel guilty about it, about not doing enough or something.  And I just want you to know that regardless of what happened afterwards, every time you reached out to me, I felt your love.”

Holy crap, this man is going to be the death of me, Kurt thought, taking deep breaths and trying hard not to cry.  “Thank you,” he said softly, a few tears falling despite his efforts.  “I'm, um, I'm really glad to hear you say that.  I felt so useless, like I couldn't do anything to help.”

“I know.  But you did.”

“Until I didn't,” Kurt said sadly, sniffling hard.  Was it worse to know that he was helping at all?  Didn't that just make it breaking off the engagement that much more cruel?

“Our break-up was a mutual decision,” Blaine said quickly.  “We both thought it was the right thing to do at the time.”  Kurt could hear Blaine taking deep breaths over the phone, and wondered if he was crying too.  “Kurt, I'm so sorry.  I really didn't mean to make you cry.  I just wanted you to know….”

“No, it's okay.  This whole list thing is kind of bullshit, isn't it.  Or at least, we can't necessarily compartmentalize everything.  Some of it's bound to get mixed up together.”  Kurt huffed out a laugh.  “I guess we've reached the ‘not minding when we burst into tears' part of the conversation.”

“I guess so,” Blaine replied, and Kurt imagined he was making that little smile that meant he recognized the humor in the awkward situation.  “I'm still sorry I upset you,” he said seriously.

Kurt paused, choosing his words carefully.  “I think it's important that we tell each other what we're feeling.  We know some of it is going to hurt, but that's not why we're saying it.  I'm glad you told me.” He glanced over at his computer as he heard it ding.  “Figures.”

“What?”

“I just really want to see you right now.  But of course Isabelle finally emailed me, and she's got a list of work for me to do.  However…” Kurt hadn't planned on bringing this up with Blaine yet, but didn't want to end the conversation with both of them so bummed out.  “Speaking of how much you love my voice,” Kurt said teasingly, “there's something I wanted to ask you.”

“Oh?  I'm curious.”

“Tuesday night I'm performing at a NYADA alumni event, a fundraising thing.  Would you come with me?”

“Tuesday night?”

“Mm hm.  I think it starts at seven.”

“I'm supposed to volunteer at the hospital that night, but I can try to move it.”

Kurt tried not to sound disappointed.  “No, don't do that.  Those little kids need you.”

“I'll still go, I'll just go in the afternoon instead.  I think it will be fine, I'll just double check with the head nurse and let you know.  I'd really like to go with you.”

“You would?”

“Yeah.  And who knows, you might even be better in person than on You Tube.”