Chapter 8

The service was even more of a torture than usually. The boys were sitting just a few yards apart, stealing glances at one another every other minute. Sometimes they would exchange a tiny smile, other times they would have to clench their fists to stop their hands from aching to touch the other boy. Even though they were so close, they felt as if a great distance separated them.

Kurt was still unsure it was prudent for them to be together at all. If Blaine chose being an Amish over him, his heart would break into a million pieces, and no glue could ever be able to put it back together.

At the same time, Blaine was trying to make sense of his feelings. Only no matter how he tried, some things couldn't agree and he was left with an even greater mess in his head than the one he'd started out with. The one things that was certain was that every time he saw Kurt, his heart would flutter and his lips would arch upwards.

If Kurt was a girl, Blaine wouldn't hesitate to call this feeling love. They would probably be courting by now, with a bright Amish future ahead of them.

But the way that they were, they had nothing. They couldn't court one another, they couldn't be together and stay in the congregation, even if they both wanted to. Blaine wished he could call this love, he truly did, but he kept convincing himself that he had no idea what that kind of love felt like.

At lunch, the boys were still forced apart, but Kurt promised Blaine in passing that they would hang out together at the sing later in the afternoon. Blaine was seated next to his oldest brother and his family, and a thought crossed his mind. Cooper's wife Anne was busy talking to her mother-in-law, so Blaine took advantage of the moment when nobody would be listening.

'Cooper?,' he said timidly.

'Hm?' The oldest of the bishop's children raised his eyebrows in question.

'How do you- How did you know you were in love with Anne?'

Cooper chuckled seeing Blaine's unease.

'I don't know, I just knew.' He shrugged. 'Why are you asking? Is there a girl?'

Blaine pursed his lips, regretting not having thought this through.

'Um- Not really. Sort of, but not really,' he stuttered.

His brother sent him a smile.

'I can see there's someone,' he stated. 'But if you don't wanna talk, fine by me, I'll know sooner or later anyway.'

Blaine swallowed loudly in horror. No, you won't, not ever, he thought.

'And love is strange, it's this fuzzy feeling that fills you up and makes you happy and miserable at the same time,' Cooper went on. 'It's hard to describe, but when it hits you, you know it.'

'Just like that?,' Blaine asked. His throat clenched uncomfortably.

Cooper shot him a dubious glance.

'What did you expect? Fireworks? Bolts of lightning? I mean- Sometimes it is like that, but normally you just- You look at that one person and you know. This is who you want to spend the rest of your life with. And you look at that person and see the most beautiful human being to ever walk the earth.'

Throughout Cooper's elaborate explanations, Blaine was trying to keep his face as blank and devoid of emotion as was possible with the panic that struck him together with giddying happiness.

He had his answer. He knew. He had something to tell Kurt. Maybe not the big poignant L-word yet, but a promise of commitment that could last longer than the few weeks they had left. Maybe he wasn't ready to decide if he wanted to leave the congregation, but he was beginning to consider it a valid option.

Most of all, he was beginning to grasp that the feeling that had been budding in him for months, that now was providing him with the greatest amounts of bliss and hardship he'd ever known, was love. Whether it was wrong or right, sinful or sacred, it was love, plain and simple. Gentle, soft and kind love, filled with understanding and pulling him closer to Kurt than he had ever been to anyone.

***

Kurt shoved his hands into his pockets angrily, kicking the dirt of the Andersons' driveway up on his way to the front door. There was no way for him to decide what he hated more about this situation: the ridiculousness of asking a girl out for his brother, or the inability for him to come to the very same house to pick his boyfriend up for a date. Both drove him crazy. Why couldn't everyone just let everybody else make their own decisions, without judgement and backbiting? Why was it so hard for these God-abiding Christians, the truest of them all, to live by the simple rule of love thy neighbour?

It crossed Kurt's mind that the only neighbour the Amish loved was one that never stepped his toe outside of the fossilised set of rules the religion put on them.

He ran up the porch steps, wishing to have all of this behind him. He rapped at the door impatiently, before putting his hands together and twisting his fingers. All he hoped was that Rebecca would be the one to answer the door.

The door swung open, revealing a different, much dearer curly head.

'Kurt? What are you doing here?,' Blaine hissed, glancing nervously around. 'I thought we were going to see each other at the sing.'

Kurt grimaced.

'We are. And I didn't come to see you. I came to see Rebecca.'

'Rebecca?' Blaine's eyes widened in horror. He had just made up his mind to basically forsake his principles for Kurt and now it was Kurt who was going back on his word.

'Relax.' Kurt rolled his eyes. 'It's for Joe. You know, the thing that you have to send a brother or a cousin, or a friend to ask someone out?'

Relief swept over Blaine and he let out the breath he didn't know he was holding.

'Right. I guess I forgot about it, 'cause we- we don't really do that.'

The blush that crept onto Blaine's face was so endearing Kurt had to bite down on his lip to stop himself from kissing every inch of the other boy's face.

'Will you get her for me, please?'

***

Everything had been moved from the centre of the barn at the Hershberger farm to make room for a long table. For Kurt, sings had always been a rare occasion to have at least a little fun in this miserable place. The sings were hosted by the family who housed the church on the given Sunday. They were aimed at unmarried youth, particularly in their mid and late teens. The songs were performed at all such events were – not surprisingly – traditional Amish songs, filled with praise for the Almighty God, though more energetic than those sung at the morning service.

Kurt took advantage of Joe courting an Anderson and got Blaine to ride with them in the Hershbergers' buggy back to the farm. Joe was the one actually driving, while the other three squeezed inside, the boys' sides flush against each other, despite the fact that there was still some room left for them to sit more comfortably. They still didn't dare touch in any other way, even though Rebecca was preoccupied with her clearly joyful thoughts.

When they arrived at the barn, the place was already full, with just a few empty seats at the darkest end of the table. Kurt pulled Blaine by the elbow towards the spot, eagerly leaving an empty space for Joe to his left. To his right-hand side was the dimmest part of the barn, and some things could go unnoticed. As soon as Joseph and Rebecca were settled opposite each other, they were too wrapped up in stammering and blushing to notice anything else. Kurt rolled his eyes at his adoptive brother's poor attempts at flirting.

Those, however, gave Kurt the exact opportunity he needed. With no watchful eyes on them and semi-darkness to give them cover, he was free to slip his hand under the table to find Blaine's hand. They didn't even glance at each other as they locked their fingers together. Everyone around them was busy, singing or talking, and the two stayed virtually motionless, relishing in the peace they had at that moment that was so fleeting.

Gradually the sing grew louder and more enthusiastic, bursting the boys' bubble of quiet. Finally, Blaine nudged at Kurt, pointing in the direction of the door, and they snuck out into the yard without speaking.

They went a little way around the barn, to a spot where they couldn't be seen from the house or the road, even if it was still daylight. As soon as they were out of sight, Blaine took Kurt's hand back into his, startling him.

'You know this is what couples do, right?,' Kurt asked uncertainly.

'Yeah, I do. I thought this was kinda what we were.'

Kurt eyed him with suspicion; he would really hate to misconstrue, but was Blaine saying...?

'So we're a couple.' He paused, picking his words carefully. 'Now, does this relationship have an expiration date?'

'That I still don't know.' Kurt was opening his mouth to cut in, but Blaine wouldn't let him. 'But what I do know is that I- I l- I like what we have. I've been trying to see it the way I've been taught, but there's something in how you make me feel that makes it impossible. Like it wasn't wrong.'

He raised his eyes at Kurt hopefully to discover a bright smile on his boyfriend's face.

'Something like that can't be wrong.'

'No?,' Blaine asked.

'No.'

On the other side of the barn the gate opened and a peel of a girl's laughter echoed in the air, followed by a muffled male voice. They couldn't make out the words, but the other couple had clearly snuck out to get a little alone time too.

Kurt put a finger to his lips and tug Blaine closer.

'You know what's funny?,' he whispered.

'I don't,' Blaine replied, matching the other boy's voice in volume.

'That most of them will never be as happy as I am with you.;

Blaine dropped his gaze shyly, inching closer to Kurt.

'Or like I'm with you.'

'You're happy with me? Even though it's against your faith? Even though we have to hide?,' Kurt asked hopefully.

'I don't really care about these things when I'm with you.'

There was no more than half an inch between their faces now, eyes boring deeply into each other, glasz into hazel.

'What do you care about, then?'

'I just want to see you smile,' Blaine said. 'It's like you light up with that smile. I don't know if I could ever forgive myself if I took that smile away.'

Kurt's breath hitched.

'Then, I guess, why not agree not to ever find out?'