Chapter 4

Kurt really tried to contain his happiness, but no matter how much effort he put in it, a broad smile adorned his face. He could barely force himself not to dance his way back to the house, and to stop himself from singing on top of his lungs, he had to actually bite down on his knuckles. When he swung the back door open, he almost bumped into his brother Joe.

'What happened to you?,' Joe asked, raising his eyebrows. 'Did you get a girl to kiss you?,' he added conspiratorially.

Unable to hold back his amusement at the irony of the situation, Kurt laughed out loud. But what else could he have expected from Joseph? The guy wanted to start courting when he was in first grade. Of all the straight Amish men, he was the straightest.

'Nothing happened,' Kurt said as soon as he managed to control his laughter. 'It's spring. I love spring. I'm happy it's spring.'

He shrugged his shoulders, sneaking out of the kitchen and into the dining room where his adoptive mother and sister were just finishing setting the table for dinner.

'Kurt, dear, could you go get your father?,' Ruth asked him sweetly.

If he had to choose one of her qualities that he hated the most, it would be her sweetness. There was something painfully unnatural in always being this nice to everybody. Even the way she put her hands together in prayer was stickily, nauseatingly sweet. And that dumb little smile she always seemed to have plastered to her face made her look deranged.

Kurt rolled his eyes and obeyed the order. There was no need to ask where Abraham Hershberger could be right before dinner. It was obvious to all the family members that was the time he spent in the stable, either brushing the horses or giving them hay to graze on. He was a man in his mid-forties, with a shiny bald spot on top of his head and a carefully trimmed beard. Unlike his wife, he was full of genuine kindness, and unlike her, he had his moments of weakness to which he actually could confess.

If there was one person in the Hershberger family that Kurt could honestly call his family, it was Abraham. He was the only person who never made him feel worse or unloved because of being adopted. All three of Ruth and Abraham's children, on the other hand, had become quite skilled at ignoring or dismissing him as a second-class family member.

Kurt stopped at the threshold of the stable, unwilling to get himself soaked in the stench. Whenever it was possible, he preferred admiring horses from afar.

'Father,' he said, watching Abraham brush the coat of their black mare. 'Dinner's ready.'

The man looked up, smiling at him and putting the brush away.

'How was your day, son?,' he asked, walking up to him and putting an arm around Kurt's shoulders.

'Good,' Kurt said, the big grin returning to his face. 'It was beautiful out today.'

'Still is.' Abraham tugged playfully at the brim of his son's straw hat. 'But it must have been particularly wonderful, 'cause you look like you've swallowed the sun.'

'Do I glow?' A tone of scepticism coloured Kurt's voice.

'Yeah, you do.'

And with that, he pushed the front door open, leaving a dumbfounded Kurt on the porch.

***

Blaine hoped his confusion would ease up after that second meeting under the oak tree. Instead, he felt like it was growing stronger. His conflicting emotions were battling within him, not letting go. He went from being euphoric to being miserable within seconds. His siblings eyed him with suspicion at the dinner table that night as he barely mumbled through grace and stayed silent for the rest of the meal.

He snuck upstairs as soon as his plate was more or less empty, claiming tiredness. His biggest hope was that sleep would give him relief from the mess that his thoughts had become.

But the moment he turned the gas lamp off and curled under his blankets, it was clear he wasn't going to get the peace and oblivion he was counting on. He was tossing and turning, remembering Kurt's soft lips on his and the tender touch of Kurt's fingertips on his face. His heart would begin to race anew, evoking that strangely pleasant burning sensation somewhere in his lower belly. He groaned, feeling how his pants get too tight.

This was not supposed to happen! He was thinking about a guy for Christ's sake. Didn't he remember what the Bible said? Of course he did. Why was it happening, though? How could he feel that way about a guy?

What did Kurt tell him, though? That they were normal? A part of him wanted to reject that, tell himself there were Adam and Eve for a reason, but another side of him couldn't disagree with Kurt. As much as he felt different, he didn't feel abnormal, only misunderstood.

The tightness in his pants became almost painful and he bit his pillow, as he slid his hand down his belly to relieve that sensation. Another thing he wasn't supposed to do. Another sin that was going to get him to an eternity in the pit of hell.

But at this moment the thought of never-ending suffering and lack of salvation got pushed into the back of Blaine's mind. There was no way to stop him from thinking about Kurt. His eyes, his hands, his touch, his kisses. And that was enough for Blaine to come hard, barely choking the scream that wanted to escape his lips.

And in front of his eyes he could see Kurt smiling at him with satisfaction, his pupils blown, his lips moist and tempting. Blaine sighed, disappointed it was nothing but an illusion.

A creak at the door brought him back to reality, reminding him he was supposed to be asleep. His brother Joshua tiptoed into the room and towards his bed. He stopped uncertainly in the middle of their shared bedroom, his attention drawn by his little brother's uneven breathing.

'Blaine? You sleeping?'

'Trying to. You talking's not helping,' Blaine mumbled, faking sleepiness, even though he was still wide awake.

'Where did you go off to before dinner?,' Josh asked in a whisper.

'I-' Blaine hesitated. Lying didn't seem like a good idea. Just another sin to add to the already too long list. He wouldn't tell the whole truth, but not all of it was harmful. 'I was with Kurt Hershberger.'

'What for? I didn't know you two were friends.'

'We are.'

The mattress of Josh's bed groaned under his weight and his blankets rustled.

'What were you doing then?'

'Nothing. Talking about- stuff.'

'Girls?,' Josh asked mockingly.

'No. Nothing special. Just- stuff.'

'Talking's for girls. Unless it's about them.'

With that, Josh turned onto his side, wishing his brother goodnight and leaving him alone with his thoroughly mixed-up thoughts and guilt.

***

The sun was still shining brightly when they met under the oak tree the next day. They sat cross-legged on the ground, keeping their eyes away from each other and their hands put together in their laps. This way no one could suspect anything. They seemed to be just a couple of friends enjoying the free Saturday afternoon. Ironically, it was more acceptable for them to spend time together than it would be if they were a boy and a girl sneaking around.

'I told my brother I was seeing you,' Blaine said suddenly.

'What? I thought you didn't want anyone to know.'

Blaine shook his head vigorously.

'Not like that. I told him we were friends. Is that okay?'

Kurt's lips tugged up at the corners.

'Sure. I'm glad you did. I told my family I was going to see you today, too. They were being nosy.' He shrugged his shoulders. 'But I'd probably tell them everything, if you wanted that and if it didn't mean getting disowned on their terms instead of mine.'

'You'd risk being shunned for me?,' Blaine asked, unsure if he should feel touched or disconcerted.

'It's not like I'm not gonna be shunned after I leave anyway. I just don't want to get kicked out.'

The thought of Kurt leaving in just above two months made Blaine choke up. It had been only two days of their stolen kisses and half-secret rendezvous, and he already found it terrifying to think that would end. But then he tried telling himself it would be better that way. In two months he'd be free again, free of that sinful desire that was possessing him. He would be back to being a good Amish. He'd find a girl that would make him feel the way he was supposed to feel and they would get married. And before that could happen, he would be baptised this fall into the Amish faith.

For now he was ready to accept this, this strange bond he was developing with Kurt, his Rumspringa. He didn't need to taste alcohol, civilisation or English life, as long as he got these few sweet moments with Kurt. So he was going to enjoy it while it lasted.

The sun was beginning to set, casting reddish rays and basking them in the last of the day's warmth. Blaine put his hand gently on both of Kurt's that he had intertwined in his lap. It made him look up with wondrous eyes and the happiest little smile on his lips.

'Where are we going with this?,' Kurt asked in a whisper.

'We don't have to go anywhere. Can't we just stay the way we are? Seeing each other and stuff?'

'Stuff?' Kurt's eyes glinted mischievously.

Blaine rolled his eyes at him with a short giggle.

'You know what I mean.'

Kurt shifted to his knees, casting a glance at the deserted fields around them. It was growing darker and nobody could see them clearly from any of the houses in sight.

'Did you mean this?'

He cupped Blaine's cheek in his hand and kissed him deeply, his tongue brushing the other boy's lips and causing them to open. Their kisses were becoming less and less timid, more and more hungry. After a moment they lost their balance and Blaine's back hit the soft ground, as Kurt landed over him, breaking his fall with his hands.

They stared at each other with burning eyes for a long minute, gasping for breath and amazed.

'You're beautiful,' Blaine choked out finally.

Kurt blushed.

'I guess you should say handsome,' he teased.

'No, it doesn't cut it. You're beautiful, nothing else fits.'

'Thank you then,' Kurt said. 'So are-'

Before he could finish, though, Blaine's mouth on his cut him off, pulling him down, until their chests were almost flush against each other.

Suddenly, Blaine gasped in horror, pushing Kurt away. This felt much more embarrassing when somebody else could feel it too.

'What?,' Kurt asked with a frown.

'Nothing, I-' Blaine glanced down, feeling his face burn. 'God, this is bad.'

'What is?'

'That.' He squeezed his eyes shut, pointing towards his crotch.

Kurt chuckled, hiding his face in the nape of Blaine's neck.

'This is not funny,' Blaine said indignantly.

'I know.' Even though Kurt's voice was muffled, it was easy to tell he was amused. He was still laughing when he looked up. 'Should I be embarrassed too, then?'

'You too?,' Blaine asked. 'This is so wrong. So embarrassing.'

'It's not. It's biology.' Kurt shrugged. 'We're human.'

'Is that supposed to absolve us?,' Blaine said dubiously.

'Who's talking about absolution? If this is how God made us, why should we be ashamed?'

Blaine smiled at the words. That night was the first when he slept well in a week.