Chapter 33

The first day at school after Christmas found Kurt and Blaine standing in front of the main entrance with their hearts in their throats. They hadn’t felt this nervous about going in in long weeks. It almost seemed to them that events that took place only in November were an entire lifetime ago.

Kurt glanced at his friend by his side, and shivered. The thought of Karofsky’s return dragged out the memories of the multiple ways in which they had been hurt. It made him want to turn around and run for it, and for Blaine to never leave his side.

Blaine caught Kurt’s gaze in his peripheral vision and turned to face him.

‘Scared?,’ he asked quietly.

‘Shitless.’

With a weak attempt at a smile, Blaine put his arm around Kurt, but even that couldn’t make him feel much better. He tired to smile back, but his lips immediately curled downwards again.

‘Let’s go,’ Kurt said, his voice trembling slightly. ‘Waiting won’t make anything go away.’

As they entered the bright and buzzing building, the normalcy of the happy chatter and hubbub surrounding them weakened their knees. It seemed nobody else remembered, nobody else cared. As soon as something stopped being the latest piece of gossip, it was pushed into oblivion, the storage room of all bits of high school scandal. It could be retrieved from the bottomless pit of collective consciousness of the student body, but who would bother? There was always new stuff to dish about, new people to backbite.

Neither of the boys crossed paths with Karofsky until the break after second period.

They didn’t notice him, busy with their books at their lockers, until the tiny, barely recognizable voice spoke behind Kurt, making him jump up a couple of inches into the air.

‘Kurt, could I have a word with you?’

It took Kurt a couple of seconds to realize who was talking to him, but he couldn’t believe it until he saw the boy. Dave looked like a shadow of his old self. His shoulders were slunk, his expression hesitant and fearful. The confidence and firmness Kurt had remembered from before was entirely gone. The “no” that was split seconds from escaping his mouth promptly turned into a quiet “yes”.

They made their way to the nearest empty classroom, Blaine following on Kurt’s heels and casting wary glances at Dave. Karofsky didn’t object to Blaine joining them; he knew “you” with these two usually meant plural.

Kurt perched on one of the desks, Blaine taking a spot to his left and folding his arms on his chest. In front of them, Dave was shifting on his feet and his eyes were wandering around the room, staying carefully clear off the two boys. Silence pervaded for a moment, all afraid to speak first.

‘You wanted a word. So speak,’ Kurt finally mustered the courage to start.

Another half minute passed as Dave tried to raise his eyes and put his thoughts in order. It seemed all of them were equally terrified of the conversation they were about to have.

‘I wanted to… I wanted to apologize,’ Dave mumbled at last. Neither of the other two boys responded; they felt they should let him continue. ‘After everything I did, I know it’s not gonna be enough, because what I did… I was just… I really am sorry for everything I did to you.’

Kurt glanced at Blaine to check whether they were on the same page. There was a forgiveness beginning to rise in him and he was almost ready to accept the apology. Blaine, however, seemed to be more reserved and skeptical.

‘Why should this make any difference?,’ Blaine asked.

Dave nodded sadly. He’d expected this to happen; why should either of the boys forgive him for the amount of suffering he’d caused them? Why should he expect anybody to treat him any better? He’d been a brainless brute all this time, he tried to make everything right, change what he was and knew he shouldn’t be. And now he’d failed, hurting the only people that could be a support system for him in the process. And the people that should be there for him were telling him he needed fixing… Every second of every day he was just wishing he could go back to what his life used to be.

‘I know it doesn’t,’ he said with difficulty. ‘I’m not gonna try and make you forgive me, but I’m leaving. I’m transferring and I wanted to say it, so maybe someday…’

Not waiting for a reply, Dave turned to leave. Even though he’d known it was the most likely scenario, he still felt disappointment washing over him.

‘I forgive you,’ Kurt’s quiet voice sounded in the classroom.

‘Kurt…,’ Blaine started.

‘I mean it.’ He paused, biting his lip. ‘It sucked what you did to us. I hated it, I hated every single day you bullied me- us. But- in a way I was you. I never took my own self-loathing out on anyone else, but I know what it’s like to hate myself for something that was never up to me. I can only hope that you won’t do any of that again.’

Fighting with the tears threatening to fill his eyes, Dave nodded curtly.

‘Thanks,’ he choked out, his gaze turning to Blaine, who still looked unsure.

‘If it was only about me, I’d forgive you,’ Blaine said, shrugging his shoulders. ‘Kurt’s forgiven you for what you did to him, but I don’t think I can. I was there all this time and I saw every ounce of pain you caused him.’

He paused to let the words sink in. If it was possible for Dave to seem even more miserable, he did now.

‘It doesn’t mean that I’d want you to suffer,’ Blaine continued. ‘I hope everything’s going to work out for you at your new school. And at home,’ he added hesitantly. Dave hadn’t mentioned anything about his family, but if the way he looked was any indicator, he didn’t have much support from those closest to him.

Pain flashed through Karofsky’s face, telling Blaine he was right in his assumptions.

‘Thanks… It’s much more than I hoped for,’ Dave said quietly, futilely attempting to smile.

The bell rang, announcing the end of the break, and Dave left in haste, leaving the other two alone in the classroom.

‘Are you sure it was the right thing to do?,’ Blaine asked.

Kurt shrugged with a sad look on his face. He couldn’t recall ever feeling this bad for anyone. Despite the hurt he’d suffered on Karofsky’s hands, he only wished there was a way to make sure the guy could find happiness. Someday.

‘I guess it was,’ he answered, straightening and taking a deep breath. ‘Don’t you?’

‘I hope it was.’

Kurt smiled joylessly at his friend.

‘It’s gonna be fine in the end, we have to hope it is.’

With that, he carefully removed all worry from his expression and started towards the door. It was strangely comforting what Blaine had said about forgiving Karofsky. It was one of those rare moments in his life, when he felt he truly mattered.