Chapter 25

Falling asleep that night was torture for Kurt. Thankfully, it was a school night, so after skating it was just hot chocolate at the Lima Bean, a short drive to Aileen’s, saying goodbye, and another drive home. He would not be able to sleep next to Blaine now.

All afternoon Kurt was barely able to keep a poker face to cover up his confused emotions. And those kept on changing, one replacing another in a matter of minutes, if not seconds. From denial, to anger, to frustration, to jealously, to happiness, to misery. The whirlwind of feelings made his head spin.

How did this even happen? Weren’t they perfect friends? Weren’t they supposed to stay that way? Wasn’t it exactly how Kurt wanted it to be?

He was furious he was completely helpless when confronted with his feelings. After hours of going over the last year, Kurt began to realize that the first symptoms had been there for months. Freudian slips. He fought the urge to slam his head against the wall; being self-destructive would only make matters worse. But maybe if he’d understood earlier that his feelings for Blaine were developing into something romantic, he would have been able to nip it in the bud. At least such a thought crossed his mind, before another spell of euphoria followed.

Because, after all, the hard part of building a relationship was behind them, wasn’t it? They were best friends, they loved each other platonically, so Blaine loved Kurt. And he was gay, so there was still a chance he’d love him back the other way, too, right?

And then Kurt would remember that Blaine knew him better than anyone and that he’d be perfectly aware that something was up with him. Tonight he was a little distracted, but once there are no cute blondes around, he was going to notice.

And then what?

Telling him what Kurt felt would put Blaine in an impossible position. How do you react to your best friend telling you they have a crush on you? How? Do you hug them and tell them it’s going to be fine when you’re not so sure you’re even remotely close to the truth? Do you lie to them and tell them you love them back, and become a couple until you render each other utterly miserable? Or do you ignore the whole matter, going back to just being friends?

None of those options seemed right to Kurt. To be perfectly honest, he thought every new one he came up with sucked harder. There was simply no way for him to tell Blaine about this and not ruin everything they’d built.

Another reason Kurt couldn’t possibly tell Blaine anything was that he didn’t really know what was there to tell. He was only sure the feelings that were brewing inside him had little to do with a platonic relationship. They already had that, and Kurt was beginning to realize that it wasn’t enough for him anymore.

And he could tell Blaine was getting to the place where he wanted something more, too. Only apparently not from him, but from some random blond-haired stranger from the skating rink.

It only made Kurt’s heart ache harder.

His thoughts twirled in his mind, squeezing silent tears out of his eyes, and driving him into exhaustion. Finally, he fell into a restless slumber.

***

The next morning Blaine noticed. Of course he noticed.

They met at the lockers, Kurt keeping his eyes carefully glued to his, trying hard to be inconspicuous. Little had he realized it was exactly what raised his friend’s suspicions. Normally, he’d greet Blaine with a smile, looking straight into his eyes.

‘Hi?,’ Blaine said warily, when Kurt didn’t turn to him as he usually did.

‘Hi, Blaine,’ Kurt replied, still facing the insides of his locker.

‘Is everything alright?’ Blaine knew it wasn’t, but if Kurt wasn’t up to talk about something, he’d leave it and wait for him to be ready.

‘Everything’s fine,’ Kurt muttered. He hated lying to Blaine, but telling the truth wasn’t even an option.

He forced himself to look at Blaine and sent him a feeble smile. It wouldn’t convince anyone, let alone the person who knew him through and through.

‘Then why are your eyes red and puffy?,’ Blaine asked, lowering his voice and taking a step towards Kurt.

Now there was less than a foot’s distance between their faces. For a few seconds Kurt found himself dazzled by the hazel eyes in front of him, almost forgetting he was asked a question.

‘I… I just couldn’t sleep.’

‘Okay,’ said Blaine. Something was definitely up, but he was the last one to press Kurt for an answer.

‘But if you wanna talk, you know where to find me, right?’

Kurt nodded hastily, wishing the conversation to be over and yet never to be forced to say goodbye to Blaine, even if for an hour.

He did want to talk to Blaine, tell him the reason behind his strange bahaviour, get this heavy load off his chest. And he was sure Blaine would never do anything to hurt him. Not intentionally. He would never willfully hurt Kurt. That much was certain. But people’s capacity to hurt those they care about the most is far greater than any intention they may have not to do so.

Keeping this one secret to himself couldn’t do more damage than it was going to do good. Kurt knew his newly discovered feelings for Blaine would make his heart implode with each look at his best friend, but what choice did he have? He’d been lonely way too long to jeopardize the best thing that had ever happened to him, and for what? For a highly improbable relationship? For the even more improbable prospect of sex?

Kurt valued his friendship with Blaine much higher than any of that. Once that was settled, making the decision to try and keep his romantic and sexual feelings in check, and stay the best friend he could be to Blaine, was the easiest in the world.