Chapter 19: Going Crazy

Carole listened carefully to her husband’s story, unsure how to react. She’d known all along how profoundly good Burt was, and now she felt like she got the ultimate proof. At the same time, her heart was breaking for that boy she hadn’t even met yet. From what Burt told her, it seemed Blaine had never lost consciousness, not for a moment, which meant he saw half his family die in front of him.

‘No wonder it messed with his brain, no normal person would get out of something like that without some damage,’ Burt concluded. He was still overcoming the shock that struck him with Kurt’s revelation.

For a second he had wanted to tell his son he had an overactive imagination and dismiss the whole thing. But then the terrified face of that little boy came before his eyes and he could immediately tell where the similarities with Kurt’s boyfriend lay. Those funny eyebrows, the hazel irises shaded by long lashes, the dark hair that now seemed unnaturally neat, and then had been a huge tangled mass of curls.

Blaine was the boy from that car, and the only thing Burt could do was ask if Kurt intended to talk to his boyfriend about it. Kurt didn’t know.

‘Poor thing,’ Carole said, shaking her head at the boy’s fate. ‘I can’t imagine what he must’ve been through.’

‘You know, I guess it’s even worse that I can,’ Burt told her with a deep sigh. ‘Having lost Ellie like that, and seeing their car then. I mean, it was like half of it was gone. They almost wrapped around that tree. It's a miracle that kid didn’t have more than some scratches after that.’

‘I suppose what he got out of it is much worse,’ his wife pointed out. ‘If he had broken bones, a concussion, anything like that, he’d heal, and the illness that he has...’

Burt nodded thoughtfully. Kurt and Blaine had been on his mind constantly ever since his return from New York. He’d been wondering if he had done everything right, if he hadn’t say the wrong things, if he hadn’t made a mistake by inviting them to Lima for Thanksgiving. Kurt’s phone call gave him the answers to all of his questions.

‘I’m just sorry I didn’t know this earlier,’ he said. ‘I could’ve done things differently, you know?’

‘I know, honey.’ Carole smiled at him. ‘We’ll make it up to him on Thanksgiving.’

***

Ever since putting the pieces together, Kurt’s mind had be consumed with the ultimate question whether or not to tell Blaine about it. He was quite certain that with the absence of memories from the accident, it would be an entirely new bit of information for Blaine. He also had already learnt that talking about the crash was extremely stressful for his boyfriend.

For once he was glad they didn’t manage to see each other for a couple of days.

And by the time Saturday rolled around, and Kurt showed up at Blaine’s apartment for their lunch date, he’d made up his mind to keep what he’d figured out to himself. At least for now.

‘Hi,’ Blaine greeted him, surprised slightly by the grocery bags Kurt was carrying, and stepped aside to let him through. ‘I thought we were going out.’

‘I know, but I thought that maybe we could stay in and I could fix us something,’ Kurt explained, before stealing a kiss from Blaine.

‘Sure, I’d like that.’

They exchanged smiles and made their way to the kitchen. Kurt unloaded his shopping, revealing a few types of vegetables, chicken breast and olive oil, followed by a choice of spices.

‘I had no idea what you had home,’ he said, ‘and usually you only have light in the fridge, so I got everything we’re gonna need.’

‘So what are we doing?,’ Blaine asked. ‘I can help you, you know.’

Kurt shook his head firmly.

‘No, I’m cooking, you can watch. And it’s nothing big, just a salad dish.’

‘Okay, if you say so.’ Blaine sat down at the counter, raising his hands in surrender. ‘But if you need anything, I’m at your service.’

‘I’ll keep that in mind,’ Kurt replied with a soft smile.

He began preparing the chicken, so it could cook well before putting it into the salad, and Blaine watched him closely. There was no way for him to remember what his boyfriend was doing, he was so consumed by Kurt’s graceful movements and the way he glanced at him from under his lashes. Blaine noticed for the first time how beautiful and delicate Kurt’s hands were.

He was watching those hands as Kurt chopped the cucumbers, and as he went on to the tomatoes. For a split second, Kurt looked up at Blaine to smile and maybe tell him lunch would be ready promptly. That split second was enough for the knife to slip to Kurt’s finger, slicing it.

In a reflex, Kurt dropped the knife, suddenly distracted by the tingling in his shallow wound and the surprisingly big amount of blood that oozed out.

‘Shit,’ he muttered, jumping to the sink to rinse the cut.

It took him a short moment to realise Blaine hadn’t said a word. Kurt jerked his head around to look at his boyfriend and all the air left his lungs, leaving him breathless.

Blaine as still sitting at the counter, frozen apart from the visible movement of his chest, up and down, up and down, hyperventilating. His eyes were fixed on the half-cut tomato, it’s leaking juice mixing with the darker red of Kurt’s blood.

Kurt grabbed a piece of paper towel and wrapped it closely around his injured finger to stop the bleeding. Hiding the blood along with the wound from Blaine was probably also a good idea. Then he leapt to his boyfriend, and with all his force, he turned Blaine around on his stool, forcing him to look away from the bloodied tomato.

‘Look at me,’ Kurt said. ‘Blaine, look at me.’

His breathing was still frantic and too deep, but at least he obeyed, locking his gaze with Kurt’s.

‘Good, that’s right,’ Kurt went on soothingly. ‘See? Nothing happened. I’m here, see? It’s okay.’

Slowly, Blaine’s breath evened, and he squeezed his eyes shut to push the image of the blood out of his head.

‘I’m sorry,’ he mumbled. ‘It’s just that blood- freaks me out.’

Kurt nodded, taking Blaine’s hand in his uninjured one.

‘It’s fine, really.’

‘Would it still be fine if I told you I lost my appetite?’ Blaine winced; he hated being a disappointment.

‘We can eat later. Now I guess I have to clean this up.’

Insisting he didn’t need help, he settled Blaine on the living room couch. Then he went on to remove the blood stains and threw out the spoiled tomato. He cleaned everything that came to any contact with his blood thoroughly, and found a BandAid to put on his cut in the first aid kit in the bathroom.

When everything was clean and only the BandAid reminded of Kurt’s klutziness, he returned to the living room to find Blaine curled up with his arms around his knees. It was difficult to say if he was more depressed or mad.

‘I always have to screw things up,’ he said angrily.

‘You didn’t screw up, I did,’ Kurt disagreed. ‘I could’ve known about this, I could’ve guessed. I should’ve been careful, that’s for sure.’

Blaine shook his head impatiently, raising his eyes helplessly at his boyfriend.

‘You couldn’t have known, I don’t even know why exactly I react like this. I know it’s because of the PTSD after the- But I don’t know anything more.’

Kurt perched on the edge of the couch and put a hand on Blaine’s shoulder in comfort. The decision he’d made before wavered.

‘I could have known,’ he said slowly. ‘I could have known and I think I do know why.’

Blaine was almost on the edge of breaking down, trying to do anything not to cry or transition.

‘You can’t know that. There’s just one person who knows what exactly happened, and I’m pretty sure Boo didn’t tell you, ‘cause he doesn’t say anything about it.’

‘Actually,’ Kurt began cautiously, ‘there is another person that was there. And I have talked to him.’

‘How? You talked to my father? Anyway, he was unconscious, he knows nothing more than I do-‘

‘Not your father, mine.’

Blaine stared at him blankly for a moment, stunned by the revelation. He could feel his jaw drop open, but couldn’t close it again.

‘But- how?’

‘Someone called 911, right? Someone got you out of the car. Someone stopped to help. And that was my Dad. That was us.’

‘Us?,’ Blaine asked, his throat clenched.

Kurt nodded sadly.

‘I was there, too.’

Silence fell for a moment, as Blaine processed the news. The coincidence was unbelievable, but it did explain why Burt’s voice sounded familiar, why it seemed so calming to him. His appearance could’ve changed through the years, but his voice remained the same, and Blaine’s subconscious recognised it somehow.

‘When did you figured out it was that crash?,’ Blaine asked weakly.

‘I figured it out after you told me when it happened. The date seemed significant for some reason, and I put it together.’

‘And your dad?’

Kurt shook his head and pulled Blaine closer.

‘He didn’t recognise you, but he remembers everything,’ he said.

A thought crossed Blaine’s mind, terrifying and intriguing at the same time. He turned it around in his head before speaking again.

‘Do you think I could talk to him about it?,’ he asked in a small voice.

‘Do you want to talk to him about it?’

Blaine shrugged helplessly. His eyes felt wet from the unshed tears that seemed to be choking him.

‘I don’t want to. It wouldn’t change anything. I’ve just had this need to know what exactly happened. What it was like. How I got this thing. And I’m not sure if Boo will ever be willing to show me that again, so there’s no way for me to know.’ He sniffed hugely, rubbing away the two lines of tears that silently streamed from his eyes. ‘And all my father’s ever told me about the accident was that it was my fault.’

Kurt traced his fingers soothingly down Blaine’s arm, but his boyfriend was still upset, unable to stop the emotions he’d kept bottled up for too long from pouring out.

‘It wasn’t your fault, Blaine, you were a child, you didn’t drive the car into that tree,’ Kurt told him softly.

‘But I was the reason why we were there in the first place. If it hadn’t been for me, we wouldn’t have turned back, just because I forgot a stupid toy.’

‘Winnie?,’ Kurt asked in a whisper.

Blaine nodded sharply.

‘Apparently, I couldn’t fall asleep without him, and we were going away for a couple of days, so I needed him. And now dad will never stop reminding me that I killed Mom and Cooper over a toy.’

He started to hyperventilate again, setting the room in a circular motion in his head. Kurt tried calming him down, but without much success. It took him long minutes to force Blaine to look at him and stop the whirling, as his breathing evened.

‘You did not kill them, do you hear me?,’ Kurt said firmly. ‘It was an accident, a set of bad circumstances, a coincidence. Just like it was a coincidence that I was there. It wasn’t your fault. You are not the villain here, Blaine, you’re the victim.’

Blaine nodded without much conviction, and covered his puffy face with his hands for a moment.

‘Do you know what’s strange?,’ he asked, looking up at his boyfriend again. ‘That you’re the one who gets me through this. And that if somehow we had met back then- maybe there would be nothing to get me through at all. Maybe if we’d met, I wouldn’t have got this thing.’ He put a fist to his forehead with a glum chuckle. ‘Maybe wouldn’t have been so alone, maybe I wouldn’t have gone crazy.’