Chapter 12: Winnie

Blaine’s tentative joy grew each day that went by without a transition. By the end of the week, he was beginning to believe that life without drugging himself half-unconscious without having to fear a visit from one of his alters was possible after all. He barely got to see Kurt a couple of times, but they never missed a pillow talk on the phone. There were still things they hadn’t told each other, dark secrets from their pasts, difficult topics that were better off left alone in the deepest corners of their minds, but they could honestly say that they knew each other as well as they could after just a few weeks’ acquaintance.

For the first time in his life since that day almost nineteen years ago, Blaine was waking up with a smile on his face. When he got up on Monday, Wes and Seb eyed him suspiciously as he waltzed into the kitchen for breakfast, humming happily. The following days brought no change in his morning cheeriness and, little by little, they ceased to be surprised.

‘How about dinner tomorrow night?,’ Kurt asked Blaine on Thursday night on the phone. ‘My place. I’ll fix something, but it’s not really a date date, because Rachel’s gonna be there, you can meet her at last.’

‘That’d be nice,’ Blaine said, smiling to himself. He’d heard a lot about the infamous Rachel Berry (he’d also seen her name on some theatre playbill), and had mentioned he wanted to meet her sometime.

‘She’s not too scary, I promise,’ Kurt hastened to add. ‘She can be a little intense, but you’ll get used to that.’

Blaine knew his boyfriend was worried he’d freak out again, but coming from Kurt this kind of concern was welcome, giving him a warm feeling in his chest. None of the alters had appeared in over a week, but they were both painfully aware that one word or one situation could put an end to this. They didn’t mention the DID any more than was necessary, but they knew not to fly too high up in their newfound peace and romance, otherwise, falling back down to the earth could hurt them beyond repair.

They cherished the moments of normalcy they could scrape out of the tough reality they were given, constantly keeping their guard up, in case it blew up in their faces.

***

Blaine knocked on Kurt’s apartment’s door a few minutes before six the next evening. The anxiety he was feeling was much milder than he’d feared, and he was able to plaster a perfectly nice smile to his face. He felt a little silly bringing Kurt flowers, but since he’d already received a bouquet, he wanted to give Kurt one too.

The door opened, revealing Kurt with a broad smile on his face, looking as impeccable as ever. It made Blaine wonder if he really was cooking, but the smell coming from the kitchen told enough not to question that.

‘Hi!,’ Kurt said enthusiastically and leaning to give Blaine a peck on the lips. ‘Come on in, the food will be ready in a minute.’

Blaine took a step inside and offered the yellow and red roses to Kurt.

‘These are for you,’ he said sheepishly.

‘Oh my god, Blaine, you didn’t have to,’ Kurt breathed, examining the flawless flowers in his hands. ‘Thank you.’

Their peaceful bubble was shattered seconds later by footsteps and an obnoxiously loud voice.

‘Blaine! I’m so happy to finally meet you!’

Rachel was already throwing herself at him to hug him. Kurt stopped her just a foot away, not sure if his boyfriend would be fine with getting molested by a complete stranger. To his relief, Blaine leaned forward and kissed Rachel on the cheek without any reservations.

‘Likewise, Rachel,’ he said, smiling at her.

‘I’m starting to wonder, why I’m even here, if I don’t need to introduce anybody,’ Kurt muttered.

Blaine shot him an apologetic look, but Kurt smiled at him in response. He was glad they got off to a good start.

***

‘I think it’s really wonderful Kurt has found someone musical like you,’ Rachel said, putting her fork and knife neatly on her empty plate.

It was nice to be talking about regular stuff like work and music, not even getting close to anything dangerous. Hearing Kurt’s best friend approved of Blaine as his boyfriend was even nicer. Not that an opposite reaction to him would stop the two of them from seeing each other, but knowing they had the support was comforting. There was still Kurt’s dad to worry about, but Blaine kept on pushing that thought as far away as he could.

‘I’m only glad he wants me,’ Blaine said simply, glancing at Kurt across the table.

Kurt’s lips twitched up, as he reached to squeeze his boyfriends hand.

‘Sure I do.’ He turned to Rachel. ‘And I’m glad you two seem to get along.’

Rachel nodded, faking a prominent pout.

‘I’m still offended you haven’t seen my play,’ she said.

‘I promise to get a ticket to see it as soon as there’s an un-sold-out show,’ Blaine replied solemnly, raising his hand to his heart.

‘I’ll hold you to that promise,’ Rachel warned him.

At that, the conversation stalled. Kurt and Blaine were fine with just exchanging long looks, which made Rachel feel like a third wheel. The two of them were undeniably adorable and a cute couple, but just sitting there with nothing else to do than averting her eyes from their lovey-doveyness was plainly awkward. She did a quick review of what they’d been talking about all evening, and decided upon the easiest topic that they’d skipped before.

‘So, Blaine, you haven’t said anything about your family,’ she began, making Kurt’s heart stop for a split second. ‘Do you have any siblings?’

Kurt didn’t manage to stop her in time. She was too focused on Blaine to notice the horror in her roommate’s eyes when she mentioned family. However, looking at him helped her realize immediately that she had made a terrible mistake.

Blaine tensed and gulped, his hands began trembling as he quickly clasped them together in front of him, trying to concentrate on nothing but the air flowing in and out of his lungs. He couldn’t lose it, he just couldn’t lose it. A flash of images went through his mind, old, random memories from forever ago. Happy and frustrating ones, yet somehow he’d never want to forget a single one of them.

But now they were too much. He fought to keep on breathing, to stop the pictures from appearing. Nothing worked. He could feel he was losing control, and no matter who was taking over, he just wasn’t strong enough to fight them off.

So he gave in.

When Boo looked up, he grew even more scared than he already was. He’d never been in this place, and he didn’t know that woman that was staring at him with an expression of confusion mixed with fear.

‘What’s going on, Kurt?,’ she asked.

Boo knew Kurt. He was nice the last time they met, but Boo couldn’t just trust him, even though Blaine apparently did.

‘He transitioned. You triggered him!,’ Kurt replied angrily. ‘God, Rachel, I told you to be careful!’

‘And what did I do? I asked about his family, what is wrong with that?’

Kurt threw his hands up in the air helplessly.

‘If he doesn’t mention something, don’t go around asking! I told you, Rache!’

They were trying to keep their voices down, but it was still upsetting. It was like hearing Mommy and Daddy fight, and reminded Boo he didn’t have anyone. He just had his Winnie, but Winnie clearly wasn’t here with him. Hot tears came up to his eyes and streamed down his cheeks. A sob broke out, drawing the others’ attention back to him.

Kurt examined the hunched posture, the hands clenched tightly into fists, the wet eyes and red cheeks. He was sure he still hadn’t met at least one alter, but if he wasn’t wrong he knew this one.

‘Boo?,’ he asked hesitantly. ‘Sweetie, it’s okay, you’re safe.’

The boy looked up with his huge, wet eyes and sniffed hugely. He didn’t seem convinced; there was fear and misery swimming in the hazel irises.

‘I want Winnie,’ he said as clearly as the tears allowed him.

Kurt nodded, reaching his hand out to Boo.

‘Okay, we’re going to go get Winnie.’

***

Holding Boo’s hand felt different. Maybe because they didn’t intertwine their fingers, maybe because the boy’s grasp was timid and gentle. If not for the size of the hand and the familiar texture of Blaine’s skin, Kurt would readily believe he was accompanied by an actual toddler.

Boo hadn’t said another word since his demands to have his toy. Kurt helped him put Blaine’s jacket on, repeating reassurances and the boy stopped crying, even though the corners of his mouth were still pulling downwards. After a while, Kurt started to feel silly talking when he didn’t get an answer, so he shut up. He decided they should walk, rather than use the subway; people would be staring at them either way, but the train could scare Boo even more. Walking seemed like a better idea, with more control on Kurt’s part in case anything happened. There was no telling what could possibly make Boo flip out, and if he lost it and ran away in the subway, he could get lost, hurt... All the possible negative scenarios came to Kurt’s mind.

The walk seemed much longer than it really was, the anxiety of being out in the streets with Boo making Kurt’s heart pound nauseatingly fast. With every car that passed a little too close to them, Boo shrank in himself, his hand squeezed Kurt’s more tightly, and his eyes were casting frantic looks just to make sure they were safe. Kurt wasn’t sure he’d learn why that was, so he didn’t ask the question that kept echoing in his mind.

He knew someday Blaine would tell him what happened. For now, all he had to be satisfied with, were all the theories that he couldn’t stop from forming in his brain. Even if the alters knew something, he wouldn’t torment Boo to get his answers. Insisting on finding out what had happened from the poor frightened boy was indisputably cruel, and was the surest way for Kurt to lose the little trust he’d earned.

After what felt like eternity – and several strange looks from people in the streets – they arrived at Blaine’s apartment. To Kurt’s surprise, Sebastian was the one to answer the door. (He’d expect Seb to be out clubbing or something of the kind on a Friday night.)

‘Blaine, why so soo- Oh fu- fudge,’ he stammered out as soon as his eyes fell on his roommate’s posture. ‘What happened?’

He stepped aside to let them in. Kurt could feel Boo relax in the familiar environment, but he hadn’t let go of his hand.

‘My roommate said something that triggered him,’ Kurt explained in a hushed voice and winced. It was his fault. Everything had been going great in the last few days, and he screwed it up by not giving Rachel a specific list of things she couldn’t mention.

‘Is she an idiot?,’ Sebastian asked hostilely.

‘No, Seb, I fucked up, okay? I know I did.’

Seb folded his arms over his chest and sent Kurt a glare.

‘Sure you did. So now what? It got tough, so you brought him back for safe keeping?’

It was Kurt’s turn to give him a dirty look.

‘No,’ he said firmly. ‘I brought Boo here, because he wanted his Winnie.’

Sebastian nodded, not letting Kurt see his anger disappear. Let’s show him how serious this is.

‘I’ll get it.’

Turning back to Boo, Kurt noticed another change in the boy’s demeanour. His lower lip was trembling like he was about to start crying again, and the hand that wasn’t in Kurt’s was clenched in a fist.

‘What is it, sweetie?,’ Kurt asked as subtly as he could.

‘I don’t like it when people fight,’ he mumbled and sniffed.

‘We won’t fight anymore, I promise.’

The moment Boo caught Sebastian in his peripheral vision and saw his toy carried to him, his face lit up. He grabbed Winnie and hugged it tightly to his chest.

‘I missed you,’ he whispered in the bear’s fabric ear. ‘But nothing bad happened today. We’re safe, Winnie.’

Without paying any more attention to Kurt or Sebastian, Boo snuck into the living room and settled on the sofa with his knees pulled up to his chin and the toy placed right in front of his eyes.

Kurt followed him with his gaze, slightly less agitated at seeing how the stuffed bear clearly made Boo feel much safer. It still made Kurt wonder what made Winnie so special, but he wouldn’t dare asking. Sebastian, however, wasn’t as tactful and reserved.

‘It’s Blaine’s from when he was little,’ Seb said, guessing where Kurt’s thought had wandered. ‘Winnie, I mean.’

‘I figured it’s important,’ Kurt replied quietly.

‘He hasn’t told you, has he?,’ Sebastian asked, scanning Kurt’s expression with care.

Kurt shook his head.

‘He tried telling me what happened, but- I guess it was too much.’

Another moment passed, as they watched Boo talking to Winnie urgently in a small voice. Finally, the flood of words stopped and Boo hugged the toy one more time, burying the side of his face in the worn out yellow fabric.

Kurt took a step into the room, glancing at Seb to check if it was okay. A curt nod told him to go on.

‘Boo, sweetie?,’ Kurt asked hesitantly.

The big hazel eyes looked up at him, much more peaceful and happy than earlier.

‘Yes?’

‘Would you like some hot chocolate maybe?’

Boo’s face lit up.

‘With marshmallows?’

Kurt frowned, and glanced queryingly at Sebastian.

‘We’ve got marshmallows,’ Seb chuckled. ‘We keep some in case this guy appears.’

‘With marshmallows, then,’ Kurt told Boo.

There was an ounce of uncertainty in him as he leaned to place a gentle peck on Boo’s forehead. The boy didn’t flinch away from the touch like Kurt had expected, though. Instead, Boo gravitated towards Kurt. The soft kiss reminded him of how his Mommy used to kiss him when he still had her.

It felt strange for Blaine. The experience was entirely different from being co-conscious with Cooper. He knew he hadn’t regained full control, but he was there, he could tell where he was, what was being said, who he was with. Boo was still there, Winnie clutched in his hands, but he wasn’t fighting Blaine to stay. Boo’s memories were laid out in the open for Blaine to see, if he only dared. He was given a way back to being himself and he wasn’t going to let it pass. How could dwelling on things too painful to even think about help?

Boo’s memories were better off left alone.

Blaine blinked a few times, feeling he was back to being himself, but a dead tired version of himself. He dropped his feet to the ground and looked up at Kurt with a weak smile.

‘Hi,’ he said.

Kurt hadn’t taken his eyes of his boyfriend since he backed out from kissing his forehead.

‘Blaine?,’ he managed to choke out.

‘Yeah, it’s me.’ Blaine caught Kurt’s hand in both of his, squeezing it reassuringly. ‘And I could really use that hot chocolate.’