“Kurt,” Blaine’s voice used to always sound so soothing to his ears. Now it just grated on his mind, pulling out things Kurt thought were better left forgotten. 

Kurt closed his eyes, trying in vain to stop the tears from welling there. 

“Kurt, what’s wrong?” The words hurt him, why did they hurt so much?

Kurt felt hands on his shoulders, “Please, Kurt. Talk to me.” 

It was too familiar. Was Blaine doing this on purpose, saying the same things he had that first time? Was he trying to hurt Kurt, time and time again? It felt like it, because god how could someone unintentionally cause pain this severe, this heartbreaking, this deadly.

A whimper slipped from Kurt, and he brought a hand to his face. He began to cry in earnest now, and Blaine wrapped his arm firmly around Kurt’s shoulders, ushering him inside and whispering words in his ears. Words of comfort, Kurt supposed they ought to be, but it just made everything worse. Last time, everything was just horror and shock and the awful sadness. Now this was his depression: the feeling of rejection, isolation, like no one cared, the inability to forgive, to forget. 

Kurt soon found himself sitting on the couch (the same couch as the last time, he realized somewhere in the back of his mind) and it wasn’t until he felt the warmth of his ex-boyfriend’s arms around him did he regain control of his voice and body. And it was so hot, so horribly hot, wrapped up in Blaine’s arms, it made Kurt wonder how it had ever felt good before. He ripped back from the embrace, standing up and stumbling backwards, as Blaine watched on with shock in his eyes, “Kurt. Kurt? I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean... I’m sorry. Please, just... please, talk to me. Talking will help.” 

Blaine was standing now as well, eyes searching Kurt’s face. 

Kurt wanted to scream. Why was being around Blaine so agonizing- why did it have to injure him so? What did Kurt ever do to deserve this?

“You.” His voice caught in his throat, coming out low and scratchy, distressed from the tears that still were falling from his eyes. Kurt looked up to meet Blaine’s gaze, everything suddenly making sense, like when you were trying to figure out a puzzle and you found that one piece and everything else just built off of it. 

“W-what?” Blaine stuttered out, confused.

“You, Blaine.” 

All the color drained from Blaine’s face, and that felt so good, and then it felt twice as awful because Kurt had thought that hurting someone else felt good. But he continued on anyways, “You left me. And I thought that it would be okay, I thought I would be fine, because I had my own life and my own friends and my own family, I had my dad and my dream job and everything was going so well and then my dad died,” He was sobbing now, voice rising, “And for a while everyone wanted to be there for me, everyone wanted to help me. But then they all got sick of me, and no one cared anymore. They forget, because they don’t have to care. But I do, I don’t have a choice, because it’s my father!”

“I care, Kurt, I’ve always cared!” Blaine’s arms reached forwards, like he wanted to hold Kurt again, but they dropped back before getting too close. 

“That’s the problem, Blaine!” Kurt shrieked back, voice soaring up an octave, “You cared! You were the only one who cared! You try so hard and you care so much and being around just makes everything worse but all you do is push and push and try to be around me and it hurts, it hurts so fucking much sometimes I feel like I can’t even take it anymore!”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, please, Kurt, you have to believe me, I didn’t--” Blaine was crying now, too, but Kurt cut him off, “Stop it! Stop it now! You can’t do that, it’s not fair! You were the first person to leave me, you can’t come back now, that isn’t how it works! You can’t- you can’t.... all you do is remind me,” Kurt pauses, breathing heavily.

His voice falls to a whisper, “All you do is remind me how happy I used to be. Of how I’ll never have that back. I hate being around you. I hate you for doing this to me. And I hate myself for pulling away from everyone, hate myself that I regret whenever I get the slightest chance at being happy, and I hate myself for blaming you. But I don’t... I don’t know how...” 

Kurt choked on his words, bringing his hands back up to his face and sinking to the floor. 

Blaine didn’t know what to do. Kurt was angry and sad and in so much pain and he had just admitted that all Blaine did was make it worse. All he wanted to do was cry, cry and cry and never have to think about any of this ever again. He wanted Kurt to be better, he wanted to go back in time and change everything. 

But he couldn’t. And Blaine was done just thinking about himself. Maybe Kurt didn’t want to be comforted by him, but Blaine was the only one there, he always was the only one there when Kurt needed his friends most, and he wasn’t going to sit and watch as Kurt fall apart on his floor. 

So he slipped down next to him, wiped away his own tears in vain, and murmured, “You don’t know how to do what, Kurt?”

“How to make it stop!” He sobbed out from behind his hands. 

“Is it okay if I hold you, Kurt?” Blaine said softly. He had to ask, just in case, but Blaine wasn’t sure if he’d be able to take it if Kurt said no.

Thankfully Kurt nodded, and Blaine wrapped his arms loosely around the older boy, waiting until Kurt leaned into his touch before he held him more firmly.

“It’s okay, Kurt,” 

The words made Kurt want to scream. Why did everyone say it was okay? It wasn’t okay, he wasn’t okay.

“It’s okay to cry.” 

Oh. That was different.

So cry he did, leaning into the smell of Blaine and sobbing and feeling like he would never stop.  It took a long time for his tears to dry, and even when they did, soft noises of injury still escaped his mouth, he still trembled, clenching his eyes tight. It felt like hours, or maybe seconds, but it was only when he finally quieted and only the occasional tremor shook his frame did Blaine finally speak softly, “Why do you always do that?”

Kurt felt Blaine’s hand atop of his own, covering his face, pulling it away to reveal his red face and swollen eyelids, “Why do you hide behind your hands?” 

Kurt looked away, but Blaine continued quietly, “You don’t have to, you know. If you wanted to cry into my shirt, I wouldn’t mind. You don’t have to always do things for yourself, Kurt. It’s okay to let other people know you need them.” 

Blaine’s soft touch was on his face again, this time lifting his chin and drawing Kurt’s eyes to Blaine’s. 

“Okay?” Blaine asked.

He sniffed, “O-kay.” Kurt’s voice cracked. 

He glanced down at Kurt’s lips. Just a for a moment. He couldn’t help it. They were so close. Blaine felt himself look back to Kurt, before slowly, slowly leaning in. Both boy’s breath came shaking and loud, but when Kurt didn’t draw back or flinch away like Blaine half expected him to, Blaine closed his eyes and suddenly there was warmth on his mouth and it tasted like tears and air and Kurt. It was all breathy touching and soft, slow movement, open mouths and it felt like Blaine was breathing in Kurt and out Kurt and Kurt Kurt Kurt Kurt, he was everywhere and everything and it was so tragic and wonderful and beautiful.

And then a hand was on his cheek and another snaked through his hair, and Blaine copied the motions, and it felt so much like returning home that it hurt, it hurt like a lonely, infected old wound that was being pulled open once more so that it could heal properly. 

Blaine had never been more fond of pain before. But suddenly something cold graced the tip of his nose, against Kurt’s cheek, and his eyes slowly blinked open.

Kurt’s eyes were open too, and he was crying again.

Blaine pulled back, and Kurt looked away from him, “Oh my god, fuck, god, I’m so sorry, Kurt, I’m so, so sorry...” What had he done, what had he done?

But Kurt didn’t respond, pulling Blaine closer and wrapping both arms firmly around his neck. And he leaned into Blaine’s shoulder and cried, and Blaine panted, a little unsure of what to do now. Because this was Kurt showing him that he would try. It both broke his heart and made him feel complete, because Kurt was trusting him. So Blaine settled with wrapping his arms tentatively around Kurt, and resting his chin on the top of his head, allowing Kurt to nuzzle his face into Blaine’s shoulder and cry unashamed.

“I’m sorry about your shirt.” Kurt whispered a few hours later, as the pair cuddled on the bed in Blaine’s room, watching a movie, “I probably shouldn’t have done that, but-” 

“Hey, no.” Blaine interrupted, turning to face the other boy fully and grasping his face gently in his hands, “You can’t do that. I asked you to, and the fact you did it all made me feel like I actually did something right for once. So no apologies from you. If anything, I should be apologizing.” 

Kurt’s eyebrows crumpled in confusion, “For what?” 

“For everything. I can never apologize enough to you. For what I did.” Blaine pulled back then, dropping his hands back onto the bed, but Kurt reached over, intertwining their fingers. 

It was a few minutes later when he spoke again, “This is... hard for me, Blaine.”

Blaine looked to him, about to say something, but Kurt continued on, “Just let me finish. I- I know that you probably think things are going to be different after this. And they are. But I can’t...” He sighed, frustrated with himself, glaring at their clasped hands. 

“Right now, I’m kind of ignoring everything. But real life doesn’t go on hold for anyone, I’ve figured that out by now. And I can’t promise that the next time I see you I’ll want to talk to you. Hell, I can’t even promise that I’ll want to look at you.”

Kurt bit his lip, sighing. He whispered,  “I have good days and bad days, and today was a bad day that turned into a good, and while I’m okay now, next time I see you I might not be, and this,” He clenched his fingers tighter around Blaine’s, “Will only be another thing to haunt me. I can’t help it. I just, I just can’t forgive you. It’s not anything to do with you, at this point.” 

Kurt took a deep breath, “It’s me.” 

This was so much harder than it should be. He’d never had a problem talking about what he was feeling with Blaine before. But Kurt was just so cautious now, so wary of getting himself even more hurt than he already was. He had a feeling if he did, he wouldn’t survive it. He just couldn’t take any more pain and suffering, not now. That was why opening up like this was so difficult, why he couldn’t meet Blaine’s eyes and why he was having trouble raising his hushed tone.

“If we never know when we’ll have another good day, can I at least kiss you once more?” 

Kurt glanced up, eyes widening. That was the last thing he had expected Blaine to respond with, and it caught him off guard. ‘No’ was halfway out of his lips before he caught himself. Kurt knew how much it could hurt him later if he agreed, but with that hopeful look on Blaine’s face, and the fear of being rejected coloring his tone, Kurt felt like he had no choice. So before he could convince himself what a bad idea this was, Kurt thought, do this for him. He’s done so much for you. And then he leaned in, pressing his lips firmly to Blaine’s. 

He hadn’t expected it to be anything more than that. But Blaine’s mouth gave to his just so and suddenly Kurt was really kissing him, tongue slipping out of his lips and past Blaine’s, caressing the top of the other boy’s mouth. The last kiss had been airy, soft and warm and painfully gentle. This one was just as slow but so much more passionate and burning than the last. Kurt shifted so he was hovering over Blaine, kissing him in earnest now, and he had forgotten how good kissing felt, and now he didn’t have to think about anything except Blaine and how he smelled and how wonderful he tasted and the way he liked to catch Kurt’s lower lip between his own. 

The kiss didn’t end suddenly, it crested and peaked and then began to slower teeter out until finally Kurt was pulling back even though it felt like entirely too soon. But then that feeling of dejection started to seep into his veins, and it was then Kurt realized what a huge mistake he had made. He couldn’t be here, he couldn’t do this. Every time he got the slightest bit of happiness, it came back to haunt him, to remind him that things couldn’t go back to how they used to be.

“I should leave.” Kurt pulled away from Blaine completely, standing up and slowly backing out of the room. He felt so torn, still half caught in the blissful ecstasy from kissing the boy he loved, and dear god when did he decide he still loved Blaine? But then his other half was descending into the darker corners of himself, and he felt dark things pulling out of his very own Pandora’s box, his inner monsters laughing at him because he had opened himself up so completely to this new kind of torture.

“What? Wait, Kurt...” But Blaine didn’t say anything else. He didn’t say why Kurt? Why are you leaving? Why do you do this to me? Please, please don’t go. Because he couldn’t, because Blaine understood now. There would be a time to go after Kurt, to beg him to stay, but now was not that time. So Blaine stood as well, “Okay, okay. I... I’ll miss you, Kurt.”

He honestly didn’t expect a reply back, but when Kurt clenched his jaw and cast his eyes down and mumbled, “I’ll miss you too,” so sadly, Blaine wished Kurt hadn’t replied at all. Blaine wasn’t sure who he disliked more: angry Kurt or sad Kurt. Both were utterly terrifying, both gave him a glimpse into what Kurt was truly thinking, and both made Blaine wish he could take all of the pain Kurt felt and whisk it away.

But all he could do then was watch Kurt leave him alone once more, feeling conflicted and confused. What the hell was he supposed to do? How could he ever fix this?

That was when the thought occurred to him: maybe it wasn’t fixable. Maybe Kurt had been right when he’d said the same thing months ago. Or maybe Kurt just wasn’t his to fix anymore. Maybe all Blaine could do was hope that someone else would be there for Kurt, because perhaps Blaine had just fucked things up too much this time.