Looking back, Kurt realized that things seemed so much simpler then. With a blinding clarity, he knew how much he had always taken for granted. Things hadn’t been perfect. He and Blaine had still been split up. His father had been sick. But Burt had seemed to be slowly getting better- everyone thought that the chemo had done its job. Kurt had truly believed that in a year, things would finally be getting back to normal. He’d be off to Nyada, over Blaine once and for all, and his dad would be up and at it again. Kurt’s dreams would all come true. It was only a matter of time. 

But one ever expects these sorts of things to happen, for life to fall apart and make you watch as all your aspirations and hard work tumble down into an abyss of your own creation. The worst part was that Kurt couldn’t even find it in himself to care. For those days and weeks that followed, he let himself view his own life as an outsider. Nothing seemed to matter anymore.

When he’d first heard of his father’s death, Kurt thought that was the lowest point of his grief. The shock of it- the painful tightening of his chest, ragged sob that ripped from his throat... what could ever be worse than that? But that sudden burst of horror and pain was natural. And they stopped him from thinking too much. Depression, however, takes its time with him. It slips in when he’s smiling and tells him that it’s wrong. It drags up Kurt’s happy memories with his father, just to remind him that eventually he’ll forget them. It poisons each day slowly and carefully, numbing him with familiarity until he feels so cold that nothing else matters. That’s when the importance of life starts to slip away.

That scared Kurt more than anything, when the rhythm of his days suddenly seemed to mean so little to him. He found it incredibly difficult to crawl out of bed in the morning, and even harder to force himself back to sleep at night. His friends started to slip away. They couldn’t ever possibly comprehend that feeling of loss, the feeling of losing a parent, having never experienced it. He received sympathy, but no empathy. And after a while, Kurt started to believe they just got tired of having to try so hard. His friends wanted to believe he was okay, so they assumed he was. They pretended he was behaving like normal and he accepted this. 

“I’m off Kurt! Don’t bother waiting up, I’ll just have to fill you in on all the details tomorrow.” Rachel grinned at him, hoisting her purse into the crook of her elbow. She’d been looking forward to her date all day, and he couldn’t find it in himself to give her something to worry about. So he did as expected, raised the corners of his lips in a smile and nodded goodbye. 

“Have a good time for me. God knows I need it.” He was alluding to the fact that he hadn’t been out on a date since Blaine and he broke up, nearly six months ago now, though he did sense a double meaning behind his own words. She didn’t seem to notice it, though. 

The door to their shared apartment closed with a loud click behind her, and he listened for the sound of her heels clicking off into the night before breathing a sigh and leaning back into the couch where he was currently positioned. 

His phone vibrated against the smooth palm of his hand, and Kurt brought it to his ear, “Hello?” 

“Hey, Kurt. It’s Blaine.” 

Shit. He should have checked his caller ID. He swallowed, smiling because he knew that there was no other way to force that kind of tone, “Oh, hey Blaine.” 

“How have you been?” He sensed the hesitancy in the other boy’s voice, very much aware that he wasn’t looking for a simple little answer that really had no meaning. 

He said it anyways. “I’ve been fine. I was just heading on my way out, actually. I have class in a few minutes.” 

“Kurt.... Look. I need to tell you-”

He interrupted, “Blaine, I really have to be going. I’m sorry. We can always talk later, okay?” 

“Yeah, ...yeah, I guess. Look, can you call me back when you get out of class?”

“Yeah, of course. No problem. I really have to go now though, so I’ll talk to you later!” He hung up quickly, drumming his thin fingers on the counter and sighing before heading into his room. He hated lying, but these things had to be done. He just really wasn’t in the mood for talking to anyone, let alone Blaine. And he did have classes in a few hours, so it wasn’t a complete lie. 

He could sense it. That momentary pause in conversation, quick as a skipped heartbeat. But it was there all the same. It happened every time he brought his father up, casually, nonchalant, as if he didn’t even realize that he would never see him again. The overlapping strands of chatter broke apart for just that split second, before rewinding back together. Things continued on as normal. Except his words were ignored, the subject was changed, and while everyone else around him continued on, he was stuck on the outskirts, wondering why he would’ve said anything in the first place. It was strange, how guilty his own friends could make him feel without even trying, and about something he had no control over. So he stood, leaving the coffee shop with a whispered apology to Rachel, saying he had homework. 

Despite that being true, Kurt ended up finding himself inside of a different, much smaller coffee shop. This one reminded him much more of Ohio, and despite loving New York in all its glory, sometimes small town could have a home-y feeling to it that he missed. Pulling a book out of the stylish messenger bag that seemed to be permanently hanging off of his shoulder, Kurt flipped through it while waiting, figuring if he was going to sit in here alone for a while he could at least pretend to be preoccupied. Letting the soft sounds of white noise wash over him, he paused in his reading when he heard something very familiar. 

Medium drip. That would be Blaine’s order, of course, but it wasn’t what it had drawn his attention. There was something just far too familiar about the speaker of those words. Kurt looked up. Standing just a few feet in front of him, and casually leaning over the counter, was Blaine. With a fitting black jacket, bright red scarf, and his typical slicked back curls, Kurt wondered in the back of his mind how he hadn’t noticed him earlier. But then it really sunk in that Blaine was there, right in front of him, and Kurt shoved his book back into his bag, questions shooting through his mind at a lightning pace. First of all: why the hell was Blaine in New York? Only one answer came to mind, and that was enough to make Kurt spin on his heel and hope for a hasty escape.

Perhaps it hadn’t been wise, not telling his ex-boyfriend, the love of his life, the person he had cheated on (he winced internally every time he thought it) that he was going to the same college as him, living within walking distance of his apartment, and possibly going to see him on a daily basis. No, it certainly had not been the wisest decision on Blaine's part. In all sincerity, Blaine had truly wanted to tell Kurt. But there never seemed to be a proper moment. Kurt was going through so much, why bring up something that could possibly make things even harder for him?

In his defense, Blaine had tried calling him earlier, but Kurt always seemed so intent on brushing him off. He knew he shouldn’t take it personally. They weren’t even friends anymore, really. But it wasn’t like they were strangers, either. Blaine couldn’t help but think, sighing before giving a smile to the barista of the small coffee shop as she handed him his drink. He turned then, intent on giving himself a few minutes of relaxation before trying to call Kurt again. It had been three days since they last talked- and he had yet to receive a text or call back, so he was going to have to take matters into his own hands once again. That’s when he saw him. Kurt.

Kurt, with his perfectly styled hair and deliciously tight jeans and that way about him when he walked that drew all eyes to him, because he screamed importance and intelligence and grace. Kurt, who was halfway out the door when Blaine realized who he was and let his name slip out of his throat, raspy with surprise, “Kurt!” 

Almost immediately he felt his anxiousness sweep through him like wave- it was enticingly exciting, letting the single word have all that power, but he could feel that edge of panic coming dangerously close when Kurt paused, before slowly, slowly turning around. It became obvious by the look on the other boy’s face that he had already saw Blaine, and had tried to leave without being noticed. 

Blaine felt like he was drowning. He breathed in once, and again, trying to get his bearings as Kurt seemed to reluctantly reenter the shop. After another heartbeat Blaine spoke again, “I think we need to talk...” He hated the tone of unsureness that seemed to take over his usually confident and smooth voice whenever he was around Kurt. But things weren’t supposed to be this way, and it just didn’t feel right. Blaine hated being out of his environment, but even more hated that Kurt was now considered one of those few places. 

Waiting until Kurt had slowly walked to a table and slid into a seat, Blaine went and sat across from them. Their knees brushed underneath the small table, but Kurt pulled back, crossing his legs as he usually did and seeming very content to glare at the wood. 

Blaine sat, silent, letting everything just sink in for a moment. Somehow, he ended up staring at Kurt. He had missed this, just being able to look at him. His light colored eyelashes, framing soft blue eyes, pale skin, careful curve of his jaw. Everything about Kurt always seemed so subdued and elegant, like an artist had drawn him with a particularly light hand because even they were afraid of his innocent perfection, of what it would mean to make the lines that made him up too harsh and jarring. 

Blaine saw now, though, that things had changed him. Kurt seemed thinner, and always being on the smaller side of things, he appeared to almost be on the verge of sickly. The light layer of tinted moisturizer he used each morning couldn’t cover up the darkened circles under his eyes, and there was just a way he held himself that was different... it was obvious his father’s death had taken a toll on him. Pretend as Kurt might that things were fine, Blaine had finally learned to look past the walls the other boy put up. Blaine wasn’t nearly as naive as he used to be- he could tell Kurt was having a much more difficult time than he was acting.

“Blaine?” 

He looked up, realizing he was openly staring and Kurt had noticed. Under normal circumstances, Kurt would have made some sarcastic, witty joke, and Blaine would have laughed at himself because that’s just how he was. But nothing between the two was normal anymore, so he simply blinked, and then said, “Oh, sorry. I was just... never mind.” 

He reached up to run his fingers through his hair, remembering too late that it was gelled and he was going to mess it up. Oh well. 

“Okay, can I just say what you know I’m thinking? Why the hell are you in New York, Blaine?”

“I’m going to school here.” He answered. 

Kurt didn’t look surprised, just slightly bitter as he asked, “Where are you going to school?”

Blaine sighed, rubbing two of his fingers over his temple and closing his eyes for a moment. When he opened them, he said, “I got accepted to Nyada, Kurt. And it was just such a good opportunity, and my parents were just so proud for once and I was going to tell you, I really was, but I just didn’t know how to bring it up and-”

“Blaine.” 

“-but I didn’t mean to lie to you, and I tried to call you but you never seem like you want to talk to me and I get it, I really do, but I just can’t stand this-”

“Blaine, I-”

“-I really can’t! You were my best friend, Kurt. I can’t stand losing my boyfriend and my best friend all in one go. I know you probably hate me and I know what I did was awful, but I feel so fucking bad about it, and I just feel like a bad person Kurt. All the time, I just feel like a bad person for what I did to you and with everything else going on in your life I just-”

“I could never hate you.” 

Blaine stopped rambling. Around most people, he would have managed to do so earlier. But he was always one to be very open with his emotions, especially with Kurt. Feeling a blush spread up from his neck he stuttered out, “W-what?” 

“You said I probably hated you. But I couldn’t ever hate you, Blaine. I thought I did. For a while. But then after... after what happened, I realized that you can’t waste time hating people. It doesn’t get you anywhere.” 

Blaine gaped at him, before realizing he was staring, again, and finally breathed out a shaky sigh that almost sounded like a laugh, “Oh. Oh- well, um.” 

“And I wouldn’t expect you not to come to an amazing school just because I was here. God, Blaine, do you really think I would do that to you? I just wish you had told me. Though, it is my own fault for not listening, I suppose.”

Kurt continued, checking his phone as he scooted out of his chair, “I have to go, but... we’ll talk later? For real this time. Rachel’s waiting for me at home, so. I’ll- I’ll see you around, Blaine.” 

And then Kurt left, leaving an incredibly confused Blaine in his wake. Because it didn’t feel like he had just talked to Kurt. It felt like he had talked to a stranger in his beautiful, lovely Kurt’s body. And he didn’t like it. Not at all.