Kurt’s eyes blinked open slowly and his vision swam around him, the bright lights of the school hallway swirling as his head lolled to the side and landed against something firm. He barely registered the rocking motion as someone carried him hurriedly down the hallway, the persons strong arms supporting him.

      He struggled to get a grasp on his surroundings; everything was foggy and none of his thoughts were making sense. It seemed about that same time that whoever was holding him discovered he was awake.

      “Kurt? Are you awake?”

      Why was that voice so familiar? He’d heard it somewhere before…

      “Kurt, baby? Try to open your eyes for me,” the voice coxed.

      He didn’t understand why the voice sounded so frantic and worried.

      “Fuck,” he heard the voice mutter and the small jerky movements increased slightly as whoever carried him sped up. Where was he taking him?

      “Nurse West?”

      “Oh my! What happened to the poor boy? Quick, lay him down over here.”

      A few more steps and he was being lowered down onto a flat, hard surface with very little padding.

      “I found him like this in the hallway. Well actually, when I found him he was crying and breathing really quickly and then he passed out when I ran up to him.”

      Kurt struggled to keep up with the conversation.

      “What’s the boys name?” There was rustling and movement around him and he felt two cold fingers touching the inside of his wrist, taking his pulse.

      “Kurt Hummel.”

      “You better hurry on back to class.”

      “I’d rather stay here, M’am. He’s my friend.”

      There was a bit of silence before Kurt heard a sigh and the familiar voice said “Thank you.”

      “I’ve got to call the boys father,” the female murmured and Kurt could hear the sound of heels fading away.

      “Kurt, can you hear me?” the voice whispered.

      Cracking his eyes open again, he was glad to see that his vision was a little bit sharper, but the bright florescent lights still made his eyes squint. As the picture above him finally came into focus and his eyes adjusted Kurt realized who it was. Blaine.

      “W-what happened?” Kurt asked, his voice sounding weak and terrified to his own ears.

      “You don’t remember anything?” Blaine asked confused, leaning over to Kurt with concern.

      Kurt tried to sit up then, but was quickly pushed gently back down. “You have to rest,” Blaine insisted.

      Frowning Kurt tried to go back and remember what had happened. The last thing he remembered was being upset with Blaine for skipping class… and then grabbing his books from his locker…

      With a gasp it came back to Kurt and his heart was beating frantically in his chest all over again and his hand reached up to cup his cheek which now had dried blood all over it.

      “Whoa, whoa calm down, Kurt. Look at me. You’re okay,” Blaine tried to reassure as he reached out and touched Kurt’s hands. “Hey, breathe slowly, deep breaths,” he coached.

      Kurt stared wide-eyed and followed Blaine’s instructions. Slowly his heart calmed down and the panic subsided.

      “Now,” Blaine said after a beat. “What happened?”

      “K-karofsky. I w-was mad at you and I t-turned back to my locker and then there was a sharp pain in my back and my cheek h-hit the locker. And t-then…” Kurt’s eyes got unfocused as he started to drawn into the memory-

      “Hey!”

      His eyes snapped up to Blaine’s at the sharp tone and he quickly realized what he’d been doing.

      Frowning, Blaine tried to figure out what he was missing. “He pushed into the locker and then you passed out?” he asked doubtfully.

      “Move aside, young man,” the nurse said as she bustled back into the room and attempted to tend to Kurt. “Do you have your pills with you?” She asked Kurt quickly, practiced hands feeling over his forehead uselessly.

      Kurt shook his head, “A-at home.”

      Nurse West tutted and shook her head, “You should be more careful.”

      I know, Kurt thought bitterly.

      “Pills?”

      Kurt looked down and refused to answer Blaine, not wanting to deal with this at the moment. He felt anxious and his hands kept clenching and re-clenching, but at the same time he just want to fall asleep.

      “Okay, I let you stay for a little while, but you really should go back to class now. His dad will be along to pick him up soon anyway,” Nurse West said before shooing Blaine out despite his protests.

      Getting picked up by his father and the ride home were kind of a blur to Kurt. Burt rushed in and immediately swept him up in his arms, crushing him to his chest. Kurt was glad that the nurse had allowed him to clean up his cheek and put a bandage over it, it looked a little less severe without all the blood.

      Burt was completely ready to sit down and have the whole story out right there in the nurses office but Kurt practically begged to go home first. He relented only after seeing how hard it was for Kurt to even sit up on his own.

      In the car, Kurt leaned his forehead against the cool window and closed his eyes, letting the sound of the engine calm some of his anxiety. Being in the presence of his dad helped somewhat with that as well.

      “Now you gonna tell me what happened?” Burt asked after Kurt had been tucked into bed with a glass of water and some crackers on his beside. Kurt fiddled with the edge of his comforter and went through what had happened, trying to put more emphasis on the fact that it was his old memory’s fault for his strong reaction and not the guy that had pushed him. He also left out the fact that he knew which jock had pushed him.

      Burt’s jaw clenched as he listened and he cursed the school for its treatment toward bullies but he was more concerned with Kurt at the moment than the school. He reached up and touched his sons cheek carefully, wary of the bandage.

      “I didn’t take my medication today,” Kurt mumbled guiltily.

      His father only nodded, as if he expected that response.

      “Things have been better,” Kurt said, his voice hitching slightly on the last word. “I thought… maybe they weren’t necessary anymore.”

      “How about the next time you want to skip taking the pills you talk to me or Dr. Dalton about it first?” Burt asked.

      Kurt nodded and looked down at his hands.

      “Get some rest, Kurt. Call if you need anything.”

      Burt pressed a kiss to Kurt’s forehead before getting up and walking to the door.

      “I’m just glad you’re okay, kiddo,” were his parting words before he disappeared downstairs.

      Kurt got up and went to the bathroom and found his pills sitting beside his sink. He grabbed a pill and took it back over to his nightstand before swallowing it down with a gulp of water. As much as he hated taking pills, he hated his anxiety even more. And at that moment all he wanted was some peace.

      He laid down after making sure his room was as dark as he could make it, lights off and blinds shut. Slowly, he found his way to sleep and let it take him.

***

      Kurt didn’t know what time it was when the light knocking on his door woke him up.

      “Kurt? You up?” his dad asked, just a silhouette against the light coming in from the hallway as he opened the door.

      “I am now,” Kurt said.

      “Sorry, Bud. You’ve got a visitor. His name’s Blaine?” he asked a slight edge to his voice that told him his father was perfectly willing to turn away a random boy that showed up on his doorstep.

      “Blaine?” Kurt mumbled to himself. “Uh, let him in,” Kurt said, moving to sit up and turn on his bedside lamp.

      Burt disappeared and he could faintly hear him tell Blaine he could go on up. Kurt hastily tried to use the reflection from his phone to check on his hair and push it back into it’s normal state but he gave up as he heard footsteps on the stairs. His back straightened up and he looked expectantly at the door.

      Blaine knocked on the side of the already open door and asked Kurt with his eyes if he could come in.

      “Come in,” Kurt said softly, clearing his throat as quietly as he could when it sounded slightly rough around the edges.

      Blaine’s eyes darted around Kurt’s room quickly, taking in as much as he could as he moved into the room. He stopped awkwardly halfway between Kurt’s bed and the door, trying to decide if he should sit on the edge of Kurt’s bed or just stand there.

      “You can grab my desk chair and move it over here,” Kurt said once he realized the dilemma.

      Moving quickly Blaine was soon seated beside Kurt’s bed, his back hunched over slightly as he threaded his fingers together.

      “How did you find out where I live?” Kurt asked when it didn’t look like Blaine was going to start the conversation.

      “Wasn’t that hard, Nurse had your file sitting right on the desk,” Blaine mumbled.

      Just as Kurt was about to respond Blaine cut him off.

      “You have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder,” Blaine stated, his hands clenched tightly, leg bouncing up and down with unused energy.

      Kurt gasped, “You read my file?”

      “If it makes you feel any better, I didn’t mean to. All I wanted to know was your address. The words just kind of jumped out at me,” Blaine said, actually looking quite flustered and apologetic.

      Setting his mouth a straight line, Kurt looked at Blaine unimpressively.

      “What else did you read in there?” Kurt asked through his teeth.

      Blaine looked even more uncomfortable and his eyes flickered around the room nervously.

      “Spit it out, Blaine.”

      “You… you were a-assaulted?” Blaine’s voice wavered slightly and he looked so uncomfortable that it almost made Kurt feel bad for him.

      “Are you asking if my paperwork was lying to you?” Kurt asked stiffly. This was not something he wanted to talk about.

      “N-no, I just- fuck.” Blaine ran his hands through his hair and tugged slightly at the rogue curls. “Kurt, why didn’t you tell anyone?”

      “Why would I do that?” There was a bite behind those words, warning Blaine to stay out of his business.  

      “So that way Karofsky doesn’t push you into lockers every chance he gets!” Blaine said as he looked at Kurt directly for the first time since entering his room.

      “I doubt me telling the whole world my problem would fix that,” Kurt said quietly.

      “At least tell your teachers or s-someone!” Blaine stammered slightly.

      “You know as well as I do that those teachers don’t do anything. They barely even see half of what happens in those hallways,” the young man fired back.

      “All this time and the only thing that’s been keeping Karofsky away from you is me,” Blaine mumbled.

“That day that I was sick and missed school, what happened?” Blaine asked quickly, his eyes wide and bright.

Kurt became very interested in his comforter as he shrugged, “Nothing.”

“Kurt,” Blaine said warningly.

“He pushed me a little, that’s it. Your crazy sister stepped in before he could do any real damage,” Kurt said.

“The nurse said you have to take pills, what are the pills for exactly?” Blaine asked. Kurt wondered if he’d come with a pre-constructed list of questions.

“None of your business!” Kurt said indignantly.

“Fine then I’ll just look it up when I get home, I already know the name of the pills, it was in your file.”

Kurt huffed, “they’re anti-anxiety pills. Happy?” Kurt asked sarcastically.

“If you take those pills why did you react the way you-“

“I didn’t take them today, okay, Blaine?” Kurt was getting really tired of being interrogated.

“Wh-“

“Because for the last couple months with you being around it hasn’t been so bad. I hate taking the stupid things and I thought maybe I could get away with not taking them for a day,” he said quickly. “Clearly, I was wrong,” his voice was laced with bitterness.

“But I wasn’t expecting you to skip class, and I don’t know if Karofsky knew that you were seemingly gone of it he just stopped caring, but he was there again and he shoved me into the locker and it just… it brought up… stuff,” Kurt finished lamely, looking away from Blaine.

“Then I guess I owe you more than one apology,” Blaine mumbled.

      “What?” Kurt looked over at Blaine who looked extremely guilty. “Why?”

      “Have you noticed anything… strange about me lately?” Blaine asked, his hands rubbing along his thighs through his jeans nervously.

      Kurt’s mouth opened slightly before understanding cleared his eyes and his mouth closed. “You’ve been distant. Why?” he asked shortly, a little bit cautious.

      “I’ve been, uh, avoiding you for a reason. One that I’m not very proud of, and looking back I know that it was stupid. You see… I have a reputation at school-“

      “-you’re a badass” Kurt cut in.

      “Exactly. And the more I started sitting next to you and talking with you-hell, I even joined Glee Club.”

      “Blaine,” Kurt said, warning him to get to the point.

      “Right. Well the more I did all that the more people started to whisper. Rumors were starting that I was turning soft. I can’t have them thinking that. I need to uphold my reputation. So I start cutting down my time with you. I made myself look less engaged in conversation when I was around you. I was trying to find some sort of balance that could work.

And then I decided to try spending a whole class period away from you, just to really make my point, so I went to the gym instead and worked out for a while. And when I was on my way to the bathroom later I saw you in the hallway and you were sobbing and panting, but it didn’t look like you were breathing and then you just passed out as soon as I ran up.

Kurt, I didn’t know what the hell had happened to you. I saw the blood and I was so worried,” Blaine trailed off, sounding so upset with himself and he couldn’t even find the right words to describe what had happened.

Kurt leaned back against his pillows and tried to process everything he’d just heard. “You didn’t come to class because you didn’t want to ruin your reputation?” Kurt asked rhetorically.

“I know and I’m so sorry, Kurt. It was a stupid thing to do,” Blaine started to say.

“Why are you here, Blaine?” the words seem to make Blaine come up short, like he didn’t quite understand the question.

“Why did you come here?” Kurt asked again.

“I wanted to know if you were okay,” Blaine said slowly.

“Alright, well I’m fine. You can leave now.”

“Kur-“ Blaine tried to say.

“No, Blaine. I’d like to rest now so you can go home and tell your sister that I’m doing fine too. I don’t want anymore visitors.” With that last statement, Kurt rolled over and laid down on his side, his back facing Blaine.

Blaine sat there for a moment in surprise and tried to figure out if there was a way to salvage the situation, but Kurt wasn’t rolling back over and so Blaine got up awkwardly and left.

Kurt was lucky Blaine left when he did because he didn’t think he could have kept his sobs quiet any longer than it took for Blaine to get up and close the door behind him. Kurt rolled over and pressed his face against the pillow as the tears fell down his face. Of course, Blaine didn’t really care about him. His reputation mattered more, he’d said so himself. Kurt had thought that maybe he was done getting hurt by stupid boys, but clearly that wasn’t the case. He should have never gotten a soft spot for Blaine.

***

      “I didn’t know you took house calls,” Kurt said as he watched Dr. Dalton walk in and take a seat at a chair by Kurt’s bed.

      “I don’t normally, but your dad seemed to think it’d be better if I come visit you here rather than wait for our session later in the week. Now, he told me what happened, but I’d like to hear it from you,” Henry said as he opened up his folder.

      Bit by bit Kurt went through his day and recounted how upset he’d been that Blaine was avoiding him, the shove into the locker, and then waking up later when Blaine was carrying him. All the way to Blaine’s visit the day before and how he’d felt about that.

      Henry nodded and took some notes as Kurt talked, offering a question here or there.

      “So,” he said when Kurt was finally finished, “when you were shoved into the locker, that triggered you?”

Kurt nodded cautiously, not liking where this was going.

“Do you want to talk about that memory?” Dr. Dalton asked.

“I only saw part of the memory after I was shoved. The rest of it… I passed out before I could get to it,” Kurt said slowly.

“How about you tell me about that part of the memory?” he asked gently.

“Um,” Kurt looked around his room awkwardly. He really, really didn’t want to do this.

“You can just tell me one thing about the memory, Kurt. It doesn’t have to be the whole thing,” Henry prompted.

Kurt swallowed and looked down at the blankets on his lap.

“When Kar- when I was shoved, he must have elbowed me in the back because I felt a really sharp pain in the middle of my back. And, um… there was a small rock digging into the middle of my back… that night,” Kurt said slowly, treading mental ground as delicate as ice.

“Good,” Henry congratulated Kurt for the small step, nodding for him to continue. “Anything else?”

Frowning, Kurt forced himself to remember the small things. “The man smelled of cigarette smoke. It was everywhere,” Kurt took a deep breath and his heart picked up at the memory.

“Deep breath, Kurt. Stay with me,” Henry said as he leaned forward.

Kurt nodded and kept his eyes on Henrys, trying to control the reaction.

“Anything else?”

Kurt shook his head quickly, already to afraid to go any further.

Henry nodded once he realized he wasn’t go to get any further at the moment. “That was good, Kurt. You should be happy, that’s a big improvement.”

And yet, somehow Kurt only seemed to feel even more unstable than he was before the Doctor came over. He took the rest of the day to nap and rest. There was only one other time Kurt had ever felt so mentally and emotionally exhausted and he didn’t want to think about that either, for fear of crying, but the picture on his nightstand was a constant reminder.

Why are you so far from me?

In my arms is where you ought to be

How long will you make me wait?

I don't know how much more I can take

I missed you